Categories
Social Dynamics

3 Lessons I Learned From Speaking at the 2014 SHRM Annual Conference

shrm annualEarly in June I received a phone call from a friend asking if I would like to speak at SHRM’s Annual Conference in Orlando. Of course I said yes.

A few days ago I flew to Orlando for the speech, and although I was happy with how it went, the process leading up to the talk was challenging for me. I had a lot of trouble figuring out what I wanted to talk about, anxiety and self-doubt.

Here are 3 lessons I learned from the experience:

  1. Lean on your friends who believe in you.
  2. A few days before the speech I was really struggling to figure out what to say. I reached out to one friend who said I was in over my head. Ok, not what I needed. The next day I spent a few hours on the phone with three different friends who would help me in different ways, but each reminded me that I could do it. Reaching out for help was the best decision I could have made.

  3. Use the “Yes. Fuck!” technique.
  4. When I got the call asking me if I was interested in speaking in Orlando, I said yes immediately, then I hung up the phone. As soon as I hung up, I said fuck out loud. This is the Yes. Fuck! technique. How it works is you say yes to make the commitment, and then you get to say fuck when you realize you have to go through with it. Knowing I was 100% committed to showing up on stage forced me to push through, especially in times when I was anxious about it. If I would have waited for a few days to commit, I would have never made it.

  5. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Invest in your relationships.
  6. The opportunity for the speech came from Alexi Panos’ podcast I was interviewed on. A friend of mine had listened to the podcast and it so happened that she was also in charge of the stage at the event. Both the podcast interview and the speech came from relationships I’ve had the opportunity to invest in.

Special thanks to Jessica for inviting me to Orlando, Cara, Dan and Priscilla for their insights into the speech, and Ginger for dealing with my craziness beforehand.

Categories
Social Relationships

3 Reasons To Call Your Mother (Even If You’re Not a Mama’s Boy!)

phone rageHave you ever heard “why don’t you ever call me?” or “you know I won’t be around forever” or my personal favorite: “IT’S NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU!” in a slightly aggravated and relieving tone.

Chances are this has happened to you more than once!

After a recent call with my Mother, I had the realization of hidden value she was bringing to my life.

You don’t have to necessarily call your mother; it could be your aunt, father, sibling, grandparent etc. The idea is that the person you call is a close family member that cares and loves you unconditionally.

Next Time You Neglect To Pickup The Phone… Keep These In Mind:

Reason #1: Your Mother Provides Reference Points.

“[Your] family gives you reference points.”

The quote above is from the TED Talk by Lemn Sissay illustrating the idea that your family provides you with consistent milestones that allows you to measure your progress as a person and in life. Without the reference points on a tape measure, how could you take a measurement?

…I hung up the phone and compared the last time I had talked to my Mother for at least 30 minutes. The conversation we had two weeks prior was about condensing a direction from the many life options I have on the table.

The ladder conversation served as a milestone. I can remember the emotional state I was in (upset, confused, frustrated, and antsy) and my indecisiveness.

My more recent conversation served as a testament to the amount that I had grown over the two-week period I was feeling on top of the world. In two weeks I had noticed a definable difference in my emotional state, personal wellbeing and decision-making ability.

What’s significant is without the phone call to my Mother to reflect on my past two weeks I would have continued on my life neither being aware nor appreciating the growth those two weeks served as.

In coaching multiple students there are specific challenges like people growing at different speeds or being motivated by different things. One focus we have in mentorship coaching is in being self aware of your own growth and using it as a motivator to continue growing.

I can recognize my Mother for this trait being within myself as our 30-minute conversations throughout my life have forced me to learn how to reflect on my development, even when there were no measurable results.

This is a lesson for coaching yourself. Get in the habit of calling your mother on a semi-frequent basis. This will give you reference points to compare yourself to from the low points and the high points in your life. Also referred to in Ben’s post as a “range of performance”.

Reason #2: Your Mother Shows You The Nature Of Women.

I am a guy. As a guy I think in a way that does not quite par up with that of my opposite sex. After reading, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray I realized that I had to stop trying to talk to my Mother as if she thinks the same as I do.

For example I’m sure every one of you has had your mother excessively worry about you (my Mother does this happily and unapologetically). As a guy I see this as wasted energy and emotions, after all why would someone worry if it will not change anything? What I have learned from John Gray is that women worry more than men because this is one way they show their LOVE.

Having my Mother around to talk to served as a consistent, and long-term relationship for me to test this hypothesis.

John Gray inspired the second reason to call your mother: by having a closer relationship with her, you can observe and learn how women think. Though I don’t think this will ever be fully understood by men, the data does serve purpose to prepare you for what to expect when someone cares about you immensely.

Reason #3: Your Mother Acts As a Gauge of your Independence.

As talked about in the second reason, based on my experiences women worry more than men – they voice their concerns more then men do in the moment. My Mother (and grandmother) has the uncanny ability to pickup when something is amiss in my life. Talking to many women about this observation and my personal dating experience, women are very good at picking up on your emotional state.

A “catch-up” conversation on the progress of the week’s prior is always my Mother’s way of gauging where my head is.

For most of my life I have avoided these conversations because I’ve needed space to grow (Yes, I am a mama’s boy). I did need to take time away from my Mother to find myself and define my own purpose. This period of time is what I refer to as my success amputation of my umbilical cord.

The separation allowed me to forge my own independence and find out who I truly wanted to become. The semi-frequent calls have now resumed and I know that my Mother is all too happy to have me back frequently into her life.

The third thing that I observed from my relationship with my Mother was that I could gauge my independence on how I felt around my Mother. My Mother will always encourage me to become independent, while simultaneously smothering me with concern and love. This obviously sends mixed signals and forces you to think of what side of the line you stand: independent of your mother or dependent on her?

Test this by asking yourself: “how confident do I feel in handling drama in my life?” or “do I have a backup plan for my life (financial or other) if things backfire?”

If your answer is more confident or more secure than the last time you talked to your mother then pat yourself on the back, as the feedback is that you are becoming more independent.

One Last Thing

From my personal experience as a man, you will have a tendency to want to be closer to your family at certain times and at others times you will want to be more distant.

You will always be in some “range of performance” when it comes to being independent or growing. Sometimes you will be on cloud nine, other times you will be siting in a dirt trench. Having reference points through close relationships with your family will empower you to be more motivated and happy in every part of your life.

I am a slow walker, but I never walk back. -Abraham Lincoln

So, give your mom a call, and post in the comments section below how it made you feel.

P.S. If you want to accelerate your success in implementing these strategies and reaching your goals, we’d love to help you. Apply today to our Mentorship Coaching program and we’ll gladly offer you a free coaching session to see if we’re a good fit.

Categories
Relationships

Lesson 4: Understanding Value

understanding value kingpin socialIf relationships are all based of an exchange of value, then understanding the types of values we exchange is essential for understanding the types of relationships we ultimately create.

Since we are never taught how to build relationships or taught what types of values relationships are based upon, most people attempt to build relationships without any type of idea on the direction it is going or how to progress the relationship in a positive direction.

Here’s the video for Lesson 4. Check it out and let me know what you think in the comment section below.

A relationship based off of short-term value will only last a short-term period of time, while a relationship based off of long term value will last a long term period of time.

Short-term value = Short-term relationship
Long-term value = Long-term relationship

When looking at the best ways to create value in a relationship, we can draw parallels to the best ways to create wealth (another form of value). Long-term investing and other similar types of investments are far more likely to create significant value than short-term investing. Obviously you have to be smart in the ways you invest but this parallel is also very relevant to the investment of time and energy into relationships.

If mathematics is an exchange of numerical value, then what exchanges of values are relationships with people based off of?

To answer this question we have to understand that there are two fundamental concepts upon which value can be defined as a person. These are the fundamentals that need to be understood when building relationships with people. These two foundational concepts can be seen as the “axioms” or starting points of this logical system.

  1. Human Need – What people need they will value
  2. External needs – Needs that we can perceive, interact with, quantify, consume. (Examples: food, shelter, water, sleep, resources, health, etc.)

    Internal needs – Needs that we cannot perceive, cannot interact with, and cannot quantify. (Examples: self esteem, confidence, creativity, respect, trust, morality, etc.)

  3. Emotion – Humans beings are emotional beings, in which case they will value the emotions they connect with most. (Examples: happy, sad, excited, etc.)

What we connect with in any relationship, as emotional beings, are the emotions that the relationship allow us to experience and connect with.

In the next videos we will go more into depth about the specific types of needs and how these exchanges create specific types of value. We will also be talking about how to achieve and develop more emotional awareness so that we can be in more control of the emotions we are exchanging in all of the relationships we ultimately develop.

P.S. If you want to accelerate your success in implementing these strategies and reaching your goals, we’d love to help you. Apply today to our Mentorship Coaching program and we’ll gladly offer you a free coaching session to see if we’re a good fit.

Next lessons:

Lesson 5: Human Needs
Lesson 6: Value vs. Relationships
Lesson 7: Coming soon…
Lesson 8: Coming soon…
Categories
Curriculum Relationships

Lesson 3: Relationships = Math

Relationships and MathMath is a universal language. By developing the ability to understand relationships by building parallels to the relationship nature of mathematics, much can be learned.

In the previous lesson we talked about building parallels between different skills, concepts and relationships to learn and develop anything. By taking that same concept and building the parallels from mathematics to relationships we can develop a deeper understanding of both applications.

Math and it’s parallels is a great way to understand what a relationship actually is.

Here’s the video for Lesson 3. Check it out and let me know what you think in the comment section below.

Math is referred to as relationships or relations. All of these relations or interactions can be broken down into different exchanges of values. The values we choose to use in math are based on the problems that we choose to apply it to. The values in math are a spectrum of value that encompasses infinity in both the negative and positive direction. The values leading up to infinity can all be quantified, however infinity itself cannot. Outcomes in math are either positive, negative, or zero. The values in math are also completely relative. One million is only a large number compared to numbers smaller than it, but compared to infinity it is nothing.

Interestingly enough all of these same parallels can be drawn back to the nature of relationships with people. All relationships with people can also be broken down into different exchanges of value. Value is something defined by the individual. We choose what we value, what foods we like and what colours we love! The values we choose can be anything and everything. Values like money, food, homes, jobs, cars, etc. can be easily quantified, however there are also values that cannot be quantified like trust, confidence, self esteem, creativity, spontaneity, etc. The outcomes in the relationships that you build will be either good, bad or non-existent. The values in relationships are also completely relative to the individual. iPhones and sports cars are only valuable when if you have food and shelter, but compared to creativity, self esteem, confidence, it is nothing.

Many different parallels can be drawn when building parallels between the relationship building process and the mathematical process.

  • Math: Relationships based on an exchange of value (numerical)
  • Math value: Relative
  • Math: Value is a spectrum covering +/- infinity
  • Math : +/-/0 Outcomes
  • Math value: infinite potential (+/-)
  • Relationships based on an exchange of value (human need and emotion)
  • Relationships value : Relative
  • Relationships: Value is a spectrum also covering +/- infinity
  • Relationship : +/-/0 Outcomes
  • Relationship value: infinite potential (+/-)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein

Even the definition of math and relationships are interchangeable.

Define Math:

  1. The study of numbers, equations, functions, and geometric shapes and their relationships. Some branches of mathematics are characterized by use of strict proofs based on axioms. Some of its major subdivisions are arithmetic,algebra, geometry, and calculus.
  2. The systematic treatment of magnitude, relationships between figures and forms, and relations between quantities expressed symbolically.

Define Relationship:

relationship (rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp)
— n

  1. The state of being connected or related
  2. Association by blood or marriage; kinship
  3. The mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries, people, etc: a business relationship
  4. An emotional or sexual affair or liaison
  5. Logic, maths another name for relation

Relationships and math are the same, as they use each other in their definitions.

Simply put: Relationships = Math

Now, let’s look more in-depth into the parallels of relationships and mathematics.

A relationship is an exchange of value.

Mathematics is an exchange of numerical values.

The type of value being exchanged will dictate the type of relationship that is being created.

For example a relationship built upon shallow values will ultimately turn into a shallow relationship, however a relationship built upon deep values will turn into a deep relationship.

Types of Relationships Kingpin Social

We will be exploring this concept more in depth as we learn more about the different types of value and how to exchange them.

If mathematics are exchanges that are based off of numerical value, then what values are the exchanges we have with other people, or skills, or ourselves based off of?

These are some of the ideas we will cover in the next videos.

P.S. If you want to accelerate your success in implementing these strategies and reaching your goals, we’d love to help you. Apply today to our Mentorship Coaching program and we’ll gladly offer you a free coaching session to see if we’re a good fit.

Next lessons:

Lesson 4: Understanding Value
Lesson 5: Human Needs
Lesson 6: Value vs. Relationships
Lesson 7: Coming soon…
Lesson 8: Coming soon…
Categories
Curriculum Relationships

Lesson 1: The Importance of Relationships

kingpin social relationships“If I had 60 minutes to save the world, I would spend 55 of those minutes defining the problem, and 5 minute creating solutions to that problem”
– Albert Einstein

The world has a lot of problems, everybody knows it.

You can either stand on the sidelines or get involved and be proactive.

What do I see myself as? A problem solver. This is why I like this quote by Albert Einsten so much.

If part of being proactive comes down to being a problem solver, than problem solving is a concept worth thinking about…

… So how do you problem solve? What does the process to solving a problem look like?

I believe relationship building, alongside math, to be the two greatest problem solving tools that exist for problem solving. Can you think of anything greater? I also believe relationships and math to be one in the same and thus, the most important thing someone could ever learn – the ability to build relationships applies universally to everything.

I made a video explaining this concept further, check it out, or continue reading below.

Now back to Einstein, let’s define what a relationship is:

relationship (rɪˈleɪʃənʃɪp)
— n
1. The state of being connected or related
2. Association by blood or marriage; kinship
3. The mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries, people, etc: a business relationship
4. An emotional or sexual affair or liaison
5. Logic, maths another name for relation

Through our understanding of Social Dynamics we have defined relationships as an exchange of value. Where there is an exchange of value, there is a relationship. If you can love it, hate it, like it, dislike it, you can build a relationship with it. Can you think of anything this doesn’t apply to? I can’t, which is why I believe it’s the most important thing you can learn.

Relationships are an exchange of value. Everything is a relationship.

Let’s look at some examples:

Biology – Relationships between living things, the way they interact with each other. The human body is great example because it’s made up of many intricate systems that are all inter-related. The relationship/exchange between organs, systems, bodily functions, motor functions etc. The values that are exchanged in biological relationships are information, or nutrients, or energy.

Chemistry – Relationships between elements and compounds, actions and reactions etc. Looking at the breakdown of all things to the fundamental elements and compounds that all things are ultimately made up of.

Math – Relationships between numbers, equations, functions, geometric shapes, problems, etc. The values that you exchange in math are numerical.

People – Relationships between people are based off of an exchange of needs (survival) or emotion.

I believe the most important thing anyone could ever learn is the understanding and ability to build a relationship. If everything is a relationship, and the greatest problem solving tools also come down to relationships… why is it this is never taught? Why is it that there are no resources to learn such an amazing concept?

How do we learn how to build a relationship?

This is one of the questions my next videos will be based on.

So what do you think? What’s a relationship in your life you have trouble exchanging value with? Leave your comment below. Let’s continue this conversation.

Next lessons:

Lesson 2: Building Parallels Between Relationships
Lesson 3: Relationships = Math
Lesson 4: Understanding Value
Lesson 5: Human Needs
Lesson 6: Value vs. Relationships
Lesson 7: Coming soon…
Lesson 8: Coming soon…
Categories
Lifestyle

How to Achieve Freedom (And Why Your Idea of Freedom is Wrong!)

freedomThe idea of freedom is an important one. It’s something everyone wants, strives for, craves, and ultimately needs in order to fulfill their passions and dreams! While freedom is an extremely important idea, I have recently realized that the idea of freedom is only ONE side of the coin. And without it’s counterpart, the value of freedom diminishes substantially. So what is freedom’s counterpart, and how can combine the two to live a more fulfilling life? This is precisely what I will be talking about today.

Freedom’s counterpart is purpose, passion and direction. The idea or pursuit of freedom alone, without purpose, is incomplete. It will ultimately limit the potential depth and overall value that any relationship has to offer. However freedom with purpose is surely necessary to feeling fulfilled and live the life you want.
 
Obviously freedom is something we all want, and it comes in many forms: financial freedom, freedom from oppression, freedom of speech, freedom from illness, freedom of relationships, freedom of thought, freedom of education to name a few. However the “side of the coin” that most people miss is the idea of purpose, passion and direction. To have one without the other does not actually create value. In fact it can be dangerous in some cases to have only one. How can you have freedom without a purpose or direction to apply it to? How can you have a purpose or direction if you are not free to pursue it?
 

Here’s an Example:

Travelling is a great example because it’s what many people would choose to do if they had “freedom”. However when you are travelling there is actually only one point throughout the journey of your travels where you are truly free. This is the point at which you decide where you ultimately want to go, which destination you wish to travel to. This is when you are completely free to travel anywhere you would wish. The moment you select a destination and buy your ticket you are now bound to that choice, that decision and that destination. 
 
Infact if you look at areas of life where only freedom exists, it’s actually not anywhere we would want to be:

  • At which point in your job are you actually free? At the point at which you have yet to select a job. When you are unemployed.
  • At which point in your speech are you actually free? At the point at which you have yet to select a topic of conversation. When you are in silence.
  • At which place in your travels are you actually free? When you have yet to select a destination. When you are in limbo.

 
What many people are not aware of is the fact that they are free or can be. Everyone has the choice. The problem occurs when people forget to attach a purpose or direction to their freedom.

If I had an hour to save the world I would spend 59 minutes defining the problem and one minute finding solutions.
-Albert Einsten

 
The real problem is that people don’t have purpose. They are trying to find solutions to problems that don’t exist.

So how do you create purpose, passion and direction while achieving freedom? How do you utilize them both? The place where you start, like with most things, is through developing awareness. How can you walk the path if you do not have the map? Well first you have to realize that purpose, passion and direction is the map!
 

First: How to Achieve Freedom.

Freedom is simply independence within a relationship. Remember that you can build a relationship with ANYTHING. To be independent is to simply be without dependence.
 
Define your dependencies:
 
Are you dependent on money to create options? On another person for support? On your boss for approval to move a project forward? Are you dependent on anything for your motivation?
 
If so then this is where you start. Taking ourselves to an independent level in the relationships/areas of life that we wish to pursue. It is only when you have reached independence in the relationships you value most that you are truly free.
 
Once you have freedom, you have reached the pinnacle of independence, what’s next? The Map.
 

Second: How to Achieve Purpose, Passion and Direction?

 
spacePurpose/passion/direction are all the by-product of a deep, connected, internal relationship. Before something can be your purpose it must be your passion, before it can be your passion you must love it, before you love it you must like it, and before you like it you must experience it. These progressions towards purpose are the same progressions seen in the development of a relationship.
 
Passion is the intensity of the emotion you feel directly paralleled to the rate of growth you experience in a relationship. When you are growing very quickly you are very passionate, however passion is virtually non-existent when you have plateaued.
 
Purpose is when the potential of the relationship has no end. As an example, a purpose cannot be about one’s self because eventually even that relationship will end. However relationships with positivity, growth, spirituality, energy, the universe or good karma are all examples of relationships that could potentially last forever, and thus, have the potential to be your purpose. These are only a few examples of many, many types of relationships that have infinite potential without an end.
 
Direction is simply the pursuit of both purpose and passion.
 
The way you achieve purpose, passion, and direction is by developing a relationship to as deep of a level as possible. Naturally the relationships will be what each individual finds most valuable. So how does someone develop relationships to such a deep level when nobody is ever taught? This is our mission with the Social Dynamics Movement. To finally open you up to the option of learning how to develop healthy, long-term relationships. To finally have the option of social education. To finally be able to find purpose, passion and direction. To finally achieve freedom.

If you want to find out more, contact me. I’d love to talk with each of you on these subjects more.

Categories
Relationships

Codependency & The Road To Self-Love

depressed girl

THAT Girl

You’re sitting home alone on a Friday night, extremely irritated, checking your phone every two minutes with your hair and make up all done with no where to go. No plans except the one you thought you had.“Why hasn’t he called?”, “Why hasn’t he texted?”, “Doesn’t he want to see me?”, “We always hang out.” – You all know that girl, or you are THAT girl. And believe it or not, I was that girl too.

The typical ‘nice girl’ who will bend over-backwards, the one who is constantly available,  and always waiting around for him. She has a life of her own but she doesn’t live it and it slowly deteriorates along side her social life and ambition. She loses her sense of self and starts to mold herself into him and his life. His house, his family, his friends, and all on his time… all of the time.

Hello Codependency

So this all started when a girlfriend of mine and I went for coffee not too long ago and we got on the topic of how we used to be pretty co-dependant on the men in our past relationships and how we love being single because of how much time we get to focus on ourselves. We see who we want, whenever we want. We also get to be selfish, and become more productive and happy than when we were in a relationship. This made me think: “Why was there such a disconnect?” We should still be able to focus on ourselves while finding a healthy balance in our relationships. We came to the conclusion that it was because we were always focused on the other person in the relationship, and not on ourselves. It came from a lack of knowing who we were so we became the permeable membrane and moulded ourselves into the shape our partners to feel safe and secure. It was also a great way to escape our own problems and the things we needed to work on internally. Which kind of gives me the image of those little fishies that swim on the underbelly of a large shark or whale, you know, just going along for the ride. Little did we know then that we were getting further and further away from really figuring out who we were and ending up depleted and depressed.
cuddling

I can only speak for myself and say that I was insecure, impressionable, and lacked self-esteem. I wasn’t self-approved or really understood why loving myself first was the only way to bring anything to a relationship or to live a great life. I was always focused on being the “best girlfriend” and not being the “best me” and therefore constantly lost myself in the other person.

Being self-approved

We all want love, and we are all capable of giving it. But it first needs to start with loving yourself. It was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I actually didn’t love who I was because I didn’t really know who that person was all along. It wasn’t until I started doing different things and was constantly faced with challenges that I grew to understand what I was passionate about and what made up the components of my personality. If you don’t have a hobby, I really suggest you get one!

Let me paint you a picture of what a self-approved girl looks like: A girl who is self-approved doesn’t lose herself in her partner or in people in general (some people lose themselves in friends or family members as well.) She does what she loves to do every day and doesn’t clear her schedule for a guy just because he wants to hang out. She schedules everything on HER time and makes sure she doesn’t lose balance. She doesn’t wait around for a phone call or a text because she is out living her life with friends, family and the things she loves to do. She makes plans and actively participates in her life and takes responsibility in her relationships by making coffee dates, girls nights, etc. She doesn’t tolerate disrespect from anyone and walks away from all unhealthy situations. She sets boundaries and sticks to them. She does all of this because she loves herself and she knows her worth. She is her number one, and rightfully so.

Being Self-Approved Improves Your Relationships

I learned this the hard way. No one wants to be with someone who is codependent. If you are always available and always doing everything your guy wants to do he will lose interest very quickly. What mystery is left in a woman who doesn’t know who she is or a woman who is always there. Yes you love him, but you should love yourself more. If you don’t love who you are, how do you expect him to fall in love with you? Relationships work when two people know who they are, love who they are, and have a lot to bring to the table. They can give freely without feeling drained and don’t lose themselves in the relationship because they can hold their own end. When both partners are living their own lives, they are always growing, and are always bringing value to each other through their experiences.

Being self-approved improves your life exponentially and not just in your partnership. With it comes the feeling of being balanced, fulfilled, and whole. You become confident in who you are and you grow so much more every day. Self-empowerment improves your well-being and makes you a more successful and happy person. It will drastically change all of your relationships, your career, and your health.

you sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found

Making The Transition

Every persons transition will look different and I only know of my own. I started with a list of all the qualities that I admired about myself and built up my self-esteem slowly. I became physically active to help get some seratonin in my blood stream to boost my mood and with that it altered my view on my body (bonus!) Then I did goal-coaching, mirror work and daily mantras/affirmations. Goal-coaching for me started with reading materials like Brian Tracy and writing down all the things I want to accomplish. I started to write out daily, weekly, and monthly goals and it introduced me to new people through different social activities and hobbies that I had as goals. Socializing is a big part of building up self-esteem and confidence plus it keeps you busy and your schedule full! I would also talk to myself in the mirror (sounds goofy but seriously effective) and sometimes I would write with chalk markers on my mirror a mantra that would motivate me. The mantras would remind me how awesome I really am AND it was an amazing way to start my day.

An example of mirror work: “I really like my eyes.”

An example of a mantra or affirmation: “Joy and beauty abounds in my relationships.”

I also used creative outlets like writing. These are all things that worked for me: find what works for you! My girlfriend kept herself busy with volunteering and getting involved with her school since it was her last year before graduating. She met tons of people and found herself in the work she was doing. So find what works for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment or think outside the box.

I would love to hear any similar stories about codependency and finding self-love. Please comment or message me! 🙂

In light and love,

J

Categories
Attracting Women Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

An Exercise: How To Attract THE One

RelationshipsWe date people for companionship, to find THE ONE. Whether or not you like to admit it, we are all searching for that one person who makes the madness more bearable, someone whom we can share our triumphs and downfalls with as we walk through this beautiful thing called life. We want to share our journey, discuss ideas and beliefs, learn new things, and well… not be alone.

We don’t date for the sake of dating; we date because we want to get closer to that one particular person who makes everything that much more exciting and fulfilling. Hence the title of this article. Today I’m here to talk to you about attracting THE girl or THE guy. If you are starting to get sweaty palms and heart palpitations don’t fret- this isn’t as scary as it may seem to be.

We tend to attract people who mirror our personality whether they be desirable qualities or not. We attract people who have the same emotional insecurities or attract people who have similar backgrounds in heartbreak or success. This is why we tend to be friends with people who have similar beliefs, habits, or like the same things as we do, we are attracted to people who are like us. We admire our own positive qualities that others have. Have you ever taken inventory on the kind of men or women you attract in to your life and why? Are you attracting the right people? Are you meeting girls or guys that you are legitimately interested in and would want to build a deeper connection with? I’ve talked more about the why behind this in my last article, “Why You Date Crazy People,” but today I want to focus more on taking a proactive approach in attracting the person you desire.

I have a series of questions or exercises to get you started on discovering what you truly want in a partner and from there I can lead you in the direction of learning how to attract them. Now, before I get started you need to know this: I can ask the questions but you have to do the hard work. You have to be the one to put in the effort of digging deep within yourself and being honest with each question (and actually doing the damn exercise!)

Grab a notebook, pen and get started. What have you got to lose? 😉

What you ARE is what you ATTRACT

First we need to start with YOU, after all we are looking for what you want and the kind of person that would add to your life in a positive way. Who are you? This way we can grasp a better idea of the man or woman that would fit into your life.

Question #1: What are your CORE VALUES?

  • What is important to you?
  • What are the major components that make up who you are and who you want to be?
  • What do you appreciate?
  • What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?
  • Are you family oriented? Independent? Artistic? Passionate? Driven? Quiet? Do you value Education? Politics? The Environment? Balance? Growth? Health? Stability? Conversation? Traveling? Religion? Spirituality? Etc.

I like to think of it as your mission statement. If you were a business and you wanted to explain to a prospective client who you are and what you represent, you would have a list of core values or a manifesto. Make a list in point form of your core values and the things you are passionate about. Write down your hobbies and the things you want to learn or experience before moving on to Question #2.

Question #2: What is your ideal partners CORE VALUES?
(Ie: The Perfect Man or Woman for you)

Be The Person You Would Want To Meet

I want you to paint a little picture for yourself. I want to know the core roots of this woman, not her looks or her cup size. That goes for you too ladies… no chiseled abs or a brawny back that makes the hulk look like a little boy. What does she/he do? What are her/his values? What kind of lifestyle does she/he have? What does she/he like to do in her/his spare time? Does she/he like sports? Is she a girly girl? Is he a guys guy? Does she like fast cars and video games? If you don’t know what kind of woman or man you are looking for, you will never be able to find her/him because you yourself don’t know what you are looking for. How do you look for something you don’t even know you want?

I want you to literally write out a list of qualities you are seeking in a partner. I have a small checklist in a notebook that helps me choose whether or not someone is going to be a match for me or not. Let me clarify: there is a big difference between a list of 10 core values that you would like to have in a partner than a list of 20 things you want your future boyfriend/girlfriend to have. Ie: A six pack, nice hair, he has to be a firefighter, etc. None of that useless crap, we want to know WHO they are. So write out the REAL juicy stuff: What are their core values: Family? Growth? Health/Fitness? Fine Luxuries? Travel? Education? Etc.

Does she/he make up where you lack? Do you have similar strengths and weaknesses or are you opposites?

Be The Person You Want To Meet

Question #3: Are you the person your ideal mate would want to meet?

Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about: I am a huge animal lover, so dating a guy who doesn’t appreciate animals wouldn’t work. The guy I end up with needs to love animals since I value the companionship of a dog or cat. I need a guy who sees the value in animals just as much as I do otherwise it would take away from the life I want to live. Another example is that I’m very active and like to maintain a healthy lifestyle so dating a couch potato who spends 5 hours playing video games every day will just aggravate me. We all want to find someone whom we can share our experiences with. What I’m really asking is: Do your core values match? Does your ideal partner see you as a match to their core values? Would they be actively seeking you out as much as you are of them? This is a very important question and it gives you the opportunity to see if you are able to attract the person you want to attract in to your life.

Attracting the oneFinding the perfect partner means having similar core values. It doesn’t mean that everything has to be perfectly matched but it means that the important things, the ones that you aren’t willing to compromise on, are also important to your partner. I’m not talking simply about passions and hobbies as we can have different passions and hobbies and still have similar core values. If you value growth than you would want someone who is also growth orientated and ambitious. If you value religion than you would probably want someone who has similar values in the religion you practice. If you value affection than you would want someone who is affectionate and emotionally mature to show their affections.

So would your ideal partner be interested in you? Would they want to meet you and get to know you? Would they see you as someone they could potentially be with long-term? I like to break up a page into two separate sections and compare notes of my core values and my ideal partners values to see where I either need to grow or where I need to be more authentic with myself. Sometimes we create an image of the person we want to be with in order to be a certain person, to be seen a certain way or be accepted. Does something need to change on your end or do the expectations or standards you are holding others have to? Be real.

Once you have compared both sides start to brainstorm on where you would meet these type of people? If they are artistic- try an art gallery opening, museum, or pottery painting class. If they are athletic maybe try meeting new people in the rock climbing centre or at a co-ed kick-boxing class. If they love comic books than maybe at a convention or a creative writing workshop. You’re not going there to meet the ONE. You are going there to meet new people with the potential of meeting a desirable partner and who knows maybe one of your new friends has a single friend who may be “perfect for you.”

Stay true to yourself, follow your intuition and be the best YOU that you can be with this exercise and with life in general. The rest will follow if you live an authentic life. If you have any questions feel free to shoot me an email!

In light and love,

J

Categories
Social Dynamics Social Relationships

3 Simple Steps to Forming Better Relationships with Yourself & Others.

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. – Epictetus

beautiful dayEvery day is beautiful. There was a time in my life that I never would have accepted that sentiment, nor uttered it myself, but that time has long since ceased – so much has changed.

Change. I’m the first to admit that change is a fear of mine: it’s hard and sometimes feels out of my control. But it doesn’t have to be.

Over the last several months, my life has changed inexplicably. I didn’t think I was ready for it but the funny thing about opportunities is that they don’t thrust themselves upon you – you have to seek them out and embrace them. Stepping out of my comfort zone was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made but, in point of fact, it was MY decision. And I was much more ready for it than even I understood.

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice. – Wayne Dyer

Throughout my life, plenty of things have impacted my identity but none more-so than the important people in my life. This came to my attention the other day – and a beautiful day it was. The sun was shining overhead; I had lemonade in my hand that kept dripping cup-sweat onto my leg – across from me sat Kevin Choo. Sitting on the patio, discussing the idea of personal identity and out pops the question: “Who or what do you identify with?” To be honest, I had never given much thought to it; I’d always known what I love and who I am, to an extent.

I answered without thinking: “To me, my family has always influenced who I am but so have my passions. I guess I’m a mixture of everything and everyone that I love, and then some.”

Family. Passion. Love. All three of these things have a variety of different definitions so to define them in this context seems prudent.

Family: A collection of people that may or may not be genetically related; people who love, respect, and cherish each other without question.

Passion: Something a person feels strongly about that is integral to one’s view of self.

Love: A feeling of positive personal attachment or deep affection.

There are plenty of common misconceptions about these three terms. Family, for example, does not simply include blood relatives. Close friends are commonly deemed family, as well. My family is not nuclear, by any means: it does not consist of just my brother, parents and grandparents but also ranges to include those that I deeply respect and care for. One thing is clear though: Family is forever.

Passion can include anything that is important to your identity – something you cannot imagine life without. My best friend’s passion is music and she would most certainly not be complete without it.

Love is where things can get a little complicated… (or do they?) Many people use this term freely and thus the meaning behind it has morphed a bit. Love is not just a series of biological and chemical reactions, as I once believed. Love is one of the very few human emotions that are inexplicable and for this reason; it is an incredible source of internal validation.

What is internal validation?

internal validationInternal validation stems from positive reinforcement and it makes people feel great for extended periods of time. Think of someone you respect, a mentor for example. When this person gives you a compliment, it’s usually about something you’ve worked hard for so you feel almost euphoric.

On the flip side, external validation is short-lived and usually superficial. Meeting someone at a bar that tells you how “hot” you are isn’t nearly as satisfying. Not to mention, “hot” is a temperature, not a flattering state of attractiveness. 😉

Internal validation accompanies internalized or personal relationships whereas external validation is characterized mostly by strangers and acquaintances.

So why does this matter?

Understanding the types of validations that we can receive from others allows us to understand the types of relationships that we are forming with the people around us. If most of our lives are filled with external validation, the types of relationships being formed are also based on the external. External Value will never be as good as Internal Value, so thus, building your relationships based on these external factors predefines the exchange of value within the relationship to be less than optimal.
Relationships require effort but they should not be work. The people in your life directly influence your mood, energy levels, environment and overall state of mind. This means that if you’re constantly striving to reaffirm yourself through external validation, you’re losing energy that you could be spending doing something you actually enjoy. Having said that, the most important relationship, and the hardest to build, is the one you have with yourself.

Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: Now. – Denis Waitley

lonelyI used to have a very difficult time letting my personal defenses down. I was convinced that people were out to damage my mindset so I always protected my Inner Self with layer upon layer of an Imaginary Me. What I didn’t understand was that if you never let people know who you are; you can never have positive internalized relationships. This left me feeling isolated and very lonely. I constantly uttered “Nobody understands!” but how could they? I overlooked the fact that I was inflicting that upon myself but it occurred to me that I had no idea WHY I was isolating myself. Upon intense reflection, reality hit home: I hadn’t entirely figured out who I was yet and my ego couldn’t handle the potential rejection.

Since then, I’ve spent the last year and a half or so improving the relationship I have with myself and I’ve noticed that every single relationship I have in my life now has a specific purpose and is of significant value to me because the exchange of value and importance is equal, hence Win-Win relationships.

Internalizing relationships is something that people do not do nearly enough. Most people don’t realize that aspect of their life is missing; or if they do, they don’t know how to go about fixing it (which is where Kingpin Social comes into play.)

Three Simple Steps:

  1. Evaluate.
    Learn the difficulties you have in forming relationships and relating to people. Who and what is important in your life and are those relationships Win-Win?
  2. Set Goals.
    Understand what areas in yourself or your life need attention but be sure to keep balance and not to neglect other areas or relationships. Start small: opening up a bit at a time is easier for everyone. Tell stories, share experiences, and compare ideas. These are stepping stones to exchanging more value and learning to understand and appreciate everything as much as possible.
  3. Keep It Up.
    This part usually takes care of itself. Once your Inner Self gets out, it’s really hard to confine again. Real People enjoy the company of other Real People – it’s as simple as that.

HINT

Life isn’t black and white – it is a plethora of grays, too. Good isn’t always good for everyone, nor is bad always bad for everyone. All of the previous steps above must be done in order for you to acknowledge who you are as an individual and what works for you. Don’t just focus on things that you perceive as negative. Although our first instinct is to “fix the bad” as our first priority, even the best things in life can always be better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or advice if you need it. This is an overwhelming process at first and another perspective is rarely a terrible idea.

My biggest piece of advice is this:

Learn to appreciate yourself. If you don’t understand who you are and what’s important to you, neither can others. Stay true to yourself, always, and the people in your life will too. Inspire and motivate others by setting an example: It is only you that keeps you from reaching or exceeding your goals so don’t hold back.

The best thing people can do is practice what they preach, so from here on out, that is my goal. It’s never too late to learn to live the life you want to have. Take control. The time is now.

Wish it. Will it. Do it. Be it.