An Exercise: How To Attract THE One

RelationshipsWe date people for companionship, to find THE ONE. Whether or not you like to admit it, we are all searching for that one person who makes the madness more bearable, someone whom we can share our triumphs and downfalls with as we walk through this beautiful thing called life. We want to share our journey, discuss ideas and beliefs, learn new things, and well… not be alone.

We don’t date for the sake of dating; we date because we want to get closer to that one particular person who makes everything that much more exciting and fulfilling. Hence the title of this article. Today I’m here to talk to you about attracting THE girl or THE guy. If you are starting to get sweaty palms and heart palpitations don’t fret- this isn’t as scary as it may seem to be.

We tend to attract people who mirror our personality whether they be desirable qualities or not. We attract people who have the same emotional insecurities or attract people who have similar backgrounds in heartbreak or success. This is why we tend to be friends with people who have similar beliefs, habits, or like the same things as we do, we are attracted to people who are like us. We admire our own positive qualities that others have. Have you ever taken inventory on the kind of men or women you attract in to your life and why? Are you attracting the right people? Are you meeting girls or guys that you are legitimately interested in and would want to build a deeper connection with? I’ve talked more about the why behind this in my last article, “Why You Date Crazy People,” but today I want to focus more on taking a proactive approach in attracting the person you desire.

I have a series of questions or exercises to get you started on discovering what you truly want in a partner and from there I can lead you in the direction of learning how to attract them. Now, before I get started you need to know this: I can ask the questions but you have to do the hard work. You have to be the one to put in the effort of digging deep within yourself and being honest with each question (and actually doing the damn exercise!)

Grab a notebook, pen and get started. What have you got to lose? 😉

What you ARE is what you ATTRACT

First we need to start with YOU, after all we are looking for what you want and the kind of person that would add to your life in a positive way. Who are you? This way we can grasp a better idea of the man or woman that would fit into your life.

Question #1: What are your CORE VALUES?

  • What is important to you?
  • What are the major components that make up who you are and who you want to be?
  • What do you appreciate?
  • What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?
  • Are you family oriented? Independent? Artistic? Passionate? Driven? Quiet? Do you value Education? Politics? The Environment? Balance? Growth? Health? Stability? Conversation? Traveling? Religion? Spirituality? Etc.

I like to think of it as your mission statement. If you were a business and you wanted to explain to a prospective client who you are and what you represent, you would have a list of core values or a manifesto. Make a list in point form of your core values and the things you are passionate about. Write down your hobbies and the things you want to learn or experience before moving on to Question #2.

Question #2: What is your ideal partners CORE VALUES?
(Ie: The Perfect Man or Woman for you)

Be The Person You Would Want To Meet

I want you to paint a little picture for yourself. I want to know the core roots of this woman, not her looks or her cup size. That goes for you too ladies… no chiseled abs or a brawny back that makes the hulk look like a little boy. What does she/he do? What are her/his values? What kind of lifestyle does she/he have? What does she/he like to do in her/his spare time? Does she/he like sports? Is she a girly girl? Is he a guys guy? Does she like fast cars and video games? If you don’t know what kind of woman or man you are looking for, you will never be able to find her/him because you yourself don’t know what you are looking for. How do you look for something you don’t even know you want?

I want you to literally write out a list of qualities you are seeking in a partner. I have a small checklist in a notebook that helps me choose whether or not someone is going to be a match for me or not. Let me clarify: there is a big difference between a list of 10 core values that you would like to have in a partner than a list of 20 things you want your future boyfriend/girlfriend to have. Ie: A six pack, nice hair, he has to be a firefighter, etc. None of that useless crap, we want to know WHO they are. So write out the REAL juicy stuff: What are their core values: Family? Growth? Health/Fitness? Fine Luxuries? Travel? Education? Etc.

Does she/he make up where you lack? Do you have similar strengths and weaknesses or are you opposites?

Be The Person You Want To Meet

Question #3: Are you the person your ideal mate would want to meet?

Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about: I am a huge animal lover, so dating a guy who doesn’t appreciate animals wouldn’t work. The guy I end up with needs to love animals since I value the companionship of a dog or cat. I need a guy who sees the value in animals just as much as I do otherwise it would take away from the life I want to live. Another example is that I’m very active and like to maintain a healthy lifestyle so dating a couch potato who spends 5 hours playing video games every day will just aggravate me. We all want to find someone whom we can share our experiences with. What I’m really asking is: Do your core values match? Does your ideal partner see you as a match to their core values? Would they be actively seeking you out as much as you are of them? This is a very important question and it gives you the opportunity to see if you are able to attract the person you want to attract in to your life.

Attracting the oneFinding the perfect partner means having similar core values. It doesn’t mean that everything has to be perfectly matched but it means that the important things, the ones that you aren’t willing to compromise on, are also important to your partner. I’m not talking simply about passions and hobbies as we can have different passions and hobbies and still have similar core values. If you value growth than you would want someone who is also growth orientated and ambitious. If you value religion than you would probably want someone who has similar values in the religion you practice. If you value affection than you would want someone who is affectionate and emotionally mature to show their affections.

So would your ideal partner be interested in you? Would they want to meet you and get to know you? Would they see you as someone they could potentially be with long-term? I like to break up a page into two separate sections and compare notes of my core values and my ideal partners values to see where I either need to grow or where I need to be more authentic with myself. Sometimes we create an image of the person we want to be with in order to be a certain person, to be seen a certain way or be accepted. Does something need to change on your end or do the expectations or standards you are holding others have to? Be real.

Once you have compared both sides start to brainstorm on where you would meet these type of people? If they are artistic- try an art gallery opening, museum, or pottery painting class. If they are athletic maybe try meeting new people in the rock climbing centre or at a co-ed kick-boxing class. If they love comic books than maybe at a convention or a creative writing workshop. You’re not going there to meet the ONE. You are going there to meet new people with the potential of meeting a desirable partner and who knows maybe one of your new friends has a single friend who may be “perfect for you.”

Stay true to yourself, follow your intuition and be the best YOU that you can be with this exercise and with life in general. The rest will follow if you live an authentic life. If you have any questions feel free to shoot me an email!

In light and love,



  1. I did make a list with what I wanted in a girl. Then I met someone who met all the criteria and I hated her.
    For me, I’m not entirely sure what I want. I have gone entire life without feeling an emotional attraction to someone. At the same time, I don’t know what kind of personality would be attracted to me as girls very, very rarely express interest in me.
    I find I can be very quick to dismiss someone as being incompatible. While perhaps counter productive in the short term, is it worth anything to pursue someone you don’t want? Maybe I’m too picky but I want a soul mate not a passing fling.

  2. My question for you Trung is “Do you feel that you are ‘enough’ for someone else? Do you think you are capable of being attractive to someone else?”

    It’s not about finding a personality that would express interest in you, its about understanding yourself enough and what would make YOU happy in order for you to understand who you want to be with. The only way of really understanding that is really nailing down the first question and that is what are you core values? Who do you want to be? Are you where you want to be in life and if not- what needs to change? I think that really comes down to answering whether or not you think you are a desirable partner or not. If you don’t think so… than you should work on yourself first.

    Finding a partner comes second to truly understanding yourself first and making sure you are where you need to be first before inviting someone else in for the ride.

    Thanks for reading and for commenting!

  3. Jamie;
    I am enough for someone else. I have many positive qualities. They’re just overshadowed because I am a quiet individual that’s just a bit of an oddball. I am confident of who I am and where I am going. Somewhere in the great big world there is someone perfect for me. Often times I wonder who she is, what she’s doing, what she’s like. I am sure of myself, but I am still unsure of who is right for me. My core values are compassion, understanding, empathy and creativity. But any number of people fit those descriptions.

  4. Jamie!

    Great article. I wrote down a list of my core values and the things that I look for in the women in my life. Awesome way to break it down 🙂

  5. Awesome article Jamie,
    You have given me wisdom that I truly needed!

    Thank you!

  6. yes true it’s about balance (@CAM).

    Makes you cautious to not install too many games on the smartphone, but its good to keep occupied saying waiting for the bus…or something…

    I am learning Salsa, and it’s a great way to meet new people. Thanks for the advice. 😀

  7. @Trung, I so understand what you mean as I am in the same situation… I’d like to know how you’re going with it and if you found an answer to your problem. Thanks.

  8. @Trung and @Elias

    I seem to have the same situation. what do you like to do to know abit more about yourself. im finding hobbies and what career to get into helps..

  9. @Elias Wow this was almost a year ago haha. I guess maybe I was a bit bitter then and I didn’t really take to heart Jamie’s advice. There *are* some areas in which I’m not at my best, which holds me back from finding a girlfriend. I still don’t have one now and it can be pretty frustrating at times, but Jamie is right when she says you have to get yourself sorted out first. A pretty enlightening video for me was this:
    It’s pretty tongue in cheek but the principles are sound.

    @Ptt I have two starting points to recommend for you. Try doing a Myers Briggs personality test and reading the book ‘Happier’ by Tal Ben Shahar. Good luck!

  10. @Truang Wow I’d say that video is true for both sex… Thanks for letting me know about how you’re doing. Sometimes I still come to think that Because I have such few things in common with a lot of people (for friendship) to begin with, it’s harder to find someone like me.. Besides I have so many things to sort out that I don’t see the end of it! I am good on my own but it’s sometimes frustrating too… Jamie is right when she says you have to sort things out for yourself first though. Not knowing who you are and dating for the sake of it and not being alone leads to failure.

  11. I have taken the test a while ago and I recall I’m an INFP.

    I will read the book though.

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