304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
You’re sitting home alone on a Friday night, extremely irritated, checking your phone every two minutes with your hair and make up all done with no where to go. No plans except the one you thought you had.“Why hasn’t he called?”, “Why hasn’t he texted?”, “Doesn’t he want to see me?”, “We always hang out.” – You all know that girl, or you are THAT girl. And believe it or not, I was that girl too.
The typical ‘nice girl’ who will bend over-backwards, the one who is constantly available, and always waiting around for him. She has a life of her own but she doesn’t live it and it slowly deteriorates along side her social life and ambition. She loses her sense of self and starts to mold herself into him and his life. His house, his family, his friends, and all on his time… all of the time.
So this all started when a girlfriend of mine and I went for coffee not too long ago and we got on the topic of how we used to be pretty co-dependant on the men in our past relationships and how we love being single because of how much time we get to focus on ourselves. We see who we want, whenever we want. We also get to be selfish, and become more productive and happy than when we were in a relationship. This made me think: “Why was there such a disconnect?” We should still be able to focus on ourselves while finding a healthy balance in our relationships. We came to the conclusion that it was because we were always focused on the other person in the relationship, and not on ourselves. It came from a lack of knowing who we were so we became the permeable membrane and moulded ourselves into the shape our partners to feel safe and secure. It was also a great way to escape our own problems and the things we needed to work on internally. Which kind of gives me the image of those little fishies that swim on the underbelly of a large shark or whale, you know, just going along for the ride. Little did we know then that we were getting further and further away from really figuring out who we were and ending up depleted and depressed.
I can only speak for myself and say that I was insecure, impressionable, and lacked self-esteem. I wasn’t self-approved or really understood why loving myself first was the only way to bring anything to a relationship or to live a great life. I was always focused on being the “best girlfriend” and not being the “best me” and therefore constantly lost myself in the other person.
We all want love, and we are all capable of giving it. But it first needs to start with loving yourself. It was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I actually didn’t love who I was because I didn’t really know who that person was all along. It wasn’t until I started doing different things and was constantly faced with challenges that I grew to understand what I was passionate about and what made up the components of my personality. If you don’t have a hobby, I really suggest you get one!
Let me paint you a picture of what a self-approved girl looks like: A girl who is self-approved doesn’t lose herself in her partner or in people in general (some people lose themselves in friends or family members as well.) She does what she loves to do every day and doesn’t clear her schedule for a guy just because he wants to hang out. She schedules everything on HER time and makes sure she doesn’t lose balance. She doesn’t wait around for a phone call or a text because she is out living her life with friends, family and the things she loves to do. She makes plans and actively participates in her life and takes responsibility in her relationships by making coffee dates, girls nights, etc. She doesn’t tolerate disrespect from anyone and walks away from all unhealthy situations. She sets boundaries and sticks to them. She does all of this because she loves herself and she knows her worth. She is her number one, and rightfully so.
I learned this the hard way. No one wants to be with someone who is codependent. If you are always available and always doing everything your guy wants to do he will lose interest very quickly. What mystery is left in a woman who doesn’t know who she is or a woman who is always there. Yes you love him, but you should love yourself more. If you don’t love who you are, how do you expect him to fall in love with you? Relationships work when two people know who they are, love who they are, and have a lot to bring to the table. They can give freely without feeling drained and don’t lose themselves in the relationship because they can hold their own end. When both partners are living their own lives, they are always growing, and are always bringing value to each other through their experiences.
Being self-approved improves your life exponentially and not just in your partnership. With it comes the feeling of being balanced, fulfilled, and whole. You become confident in who you are and you grow so much more every day. Self-empowerment improves your well-being and makes you a more successful and happy person. It will drastically change all of your relationships, your career, and your health.
Every persons transition will look different and I only know of my own. I started with a list of all the qualities that I admired about myself and built up my self-esteem slowly. I became physically active to help get some seratonin in my blood stream to boost my mood and with that it altered my view on my body (bonus!) Then I did goal-coaching, mirror work and daily mantras/affirmations. Goal-coaching for me started with reading materials like Brian Tracy and writing down all the things I want to accomplish. I started to write out daily, weekly, and monthly goals and it introduced me to new people through different social activities and hobbies that I had as goals. Socializing is a big part of building up self-esteem and confidence plus it keeps you busy and your schedule full! I would also talk to myself in the mirror (sounds goofy but seriously effective) and sometimes I would write with chalk markers on my mirror a mantra that would motivate me. The mantras would remind me how awesome I really am AND it was an amazing way to start my day.
An example of mirror work: “I really like my eyes.”
An example of a mantra or affirmation: “Joy and beauty abounds in my relationships.”
I also used creative outlets like writing. These are all things that worked for me: find what works for you! My girlfriend kept herself busy with volunteering and getting involved with her school since it was her last year before graduating. She met tons of people and found herself in the work she was doing. So find what works for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment or think outside the box.
I would love to hear any similar stories about codependency and finding self-love. Please comment or message me! 🙂
In light and love,