You look down at your hands as they grasp the Starbucks cup in front of up. Across from you is interesting conversation, as you gaze at the girl you’ve been hanging out with for a month now. She’s pretty cool, you guys seem to have really good talks.
I think she gets it.
“I really care about you!” You say to her often, as she reciprocates with more of the same. Nice! You’re in bro, no “friend zone” for you. A month down the road, although no physical contact was present, you decide that you’re going to make your move.
“WOAH! I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
The 4 Most Painful Words..
Getting stuck in the friend zone sucks. I’ve been there, as I’m sure we all have been. Sitting down at Café Medina the other day, I just finished writing up an article and I wanted to get a woman’s opinion on it. “How to Love Anyone” was the title, and I was, honestly, expecting her to be intrigued and impressed. Instead, she had some interesting insight to offer on the article.
Marcela Garcia and I talked about the “friend zone” a bit. In my article, I write that “the difference between friends and lovers is the amount of physical touch that exist within a relationship.” She completely disagreed. Banter back and forth for a bit, I finally asked:
Brian: What is it that gets guys landed in the friend zone, then?
Marcela: The guys that get landed in the friend zone are afraid of getting turned down.
Brian: So you must escalate, then?
Brian: Then I win!!
Marcela: Noo, not true. You don’t need to escalate physically, it can also be stating your interest.
This means that to end up in the friend zone means that you’re not willing to make the first move. The idea that this girl may turn you down and ruin the connection, leads her to do more of the same when you make the first move. You always get back what you give out. The first move doesn’t always have to be through touch, physical contact. It is one element of escalation though, and Marcela opened my eyes to the other element of escalation.
Assertiveness is Attractive
The other element of escalation is simply stating your intentions. If the girl’s dope, and you’ve been hanging out with her for a couple weeks, months, whatever… tell her! Escalating physically is one element of assertiveness, but escalating verbally is equally as powerful. The idea behind “escalation” is that you, as the man, must take the lead and direct the relationship in the way that you would like it to go. Women are smart, they know where you want it to go. If you sit back and be passive with your intentions, but you see her as more than a friend, she’ll know.
“You know what, I think I like you.” Goes far. FOR THE GUYS WHO ARE READING THIS AND HAVE ALREADY LANDED THEMSELVES IN THE FRIEND ZONE, TAKE THIS INFO WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. This information is best used when making the transition from “Friend – Best Friend”. If she’s already your best friend, shoot me an email here and we can talk about that.
Marcela Garcia and I also came to the conclusion that relationships that start physically, usually stay physical. “25% of women today sleep with men before, or within the first week of dating them.” Marcela told me. I’d take a guess and say that number’s a bit higher. That’s good, if the physical connection is what you’re looking for. However if you’re looking for a long – lasting, internal connection, and you’re sleeping with people within the first week of meeting them… that means that your actions aren’t in line with your intentions.
I Speak Truth!
Guys that land themselves in the friend zone are afraid of getting turned down, so they’ll pussyfoot around with their intentions. “I really care about you,” “I like spending time with you,”… TRANSLATION: “Can you please put me in the friend zone?” Most guys wait forever to state their intentions too, so by the time they make the move it has to be a BIG one because they haven’t escalated properly. (Telling a girl you love her, before you tell her you like her!?) Speak up! Be assertive and direct with your intentions when you state them. Sometimes this means putting yourself on the line, which is always good. If she says no, it just means that you’ve got some self – development to work on.
There’s two types of escalation to make sure that you escape the “friend zone” with the girl that you like! You can escalate physically, knowing that a physical connection usually stays a physical connection, or you can escalate verbally by stating your intentions. The worst she can do is say no, and if that’s the case… that’s all good! Shoot us an email if this is a re – occurring scene for you, and we can help you develop yourself into a high value man.