Categories
Mental Performance

3 Step Process to Eliminate Negative Emotion (And Be Happy Without Thinking About It!)

new beginningsWe cannot control the things that happen to us. The only thing which we have full control over is our reaction to any experience.

I’m incredibly happy I moved to Kelowna. I’ve learned about myself. All my fears, insecurities and worries seemed to amplify the more time I spent alone. I was able to discover the cause of my suffering, and by fixing the cause I’m coming into a life of vitality, health and abundance. I got smacked in the face by reality and I’ve never been more thankful. I’ve experienced a wide range of events and the contrast has brought into focus what I actually want to do with my life.

Three days after moving to Kelowna I pinched my C5 and C6 nerves in my shoulder. I made contact with my head and my shouder pads, and the tackle sent a stinging sensation down my left arm. I remember this feeling – I had the same feeling at my Team Alberta tryouts when I separated my shoulder. I could still move my shoulder after the tackle so I continued to play, but I could feel the weakness. It hurt to lift my arm up to catch a ball, or to wrap up and make a solid tackle.

Worst Case Scenario

I finished training camp without saying a word about my injury to anyone. I had done well in training camp and I didn’t want to ruin my chances of playing this year by being injured. I didn’t think anything about getting it checked out – I was frustrated and overwhelmed with thoughts of regret. “Did I make the wrong move coming out here?” I thought to myself. How could I get injured on the third day? Why did this happen to me? I was swimming in a sea of negativity.

On Tuesday of the following week I finally said something to my trainer. The pain was unbearable every time I made physical contact. I couldn’t pretend not to feel it anymore. The trainer recommended that I go and see Roy, the team’s physiotherapist. I had no idea how I was going to afford physiotherapy for my shoulder. “I don’t have the money to see a physiotherapist.” I thought to myself.

I went to see Roy and was delighted and frustrated to find out that he was the best physiotherapist in BC. There was no way I can afford this guy. He has been on trips down to Michagan to help with the Wolverine’s football team, he’s known around Kelowna as “the best” and everyone who goes to Roy swears by his excellence. Roy is a wonderful person, an incredible physiotherapist and he helps out members of the Okanagan Sun team for… free?

… Thanks man!

Running AwayI moved out to Kelowna because I thought I wanted to play Football at the next level. This is still true – I have a passion for Football and it’s something that I enjoy doing, but it wasn’t the real reason I moved out here. The real reason I moved out to Kelowna is that I was convinced Calgary was out to get me. Things weren’t going my way in the city I learned to call home and I figured by moving to Kelowna I’d simply fall into the life of my dreams.

In the first week I was smacked in the face by an experience over which I had no control. My problems didn’t stay in Calgary, because my problems weren’t with Calgary, or it’s people. My problems were with myself; my habits, emotions, perception of the experiences happening to me.

In Calgary I experienced the same phenomena as I experienced when I separated my shoulder. I’d have an experience happen to me at work and I’d start my pity-party. “Why me.” I’d play the “blame game” with every negative situation that I had and I never accepted full responsiblity for the direction of my life. Running away from Calgary didn’t solve this problem, because the problem wasn’t with the people or the events in Calgary, the problem was with me and my emotional reaction to situations which I had no control over.

There are billions of people on this planet. Each person has a unique mind created by their life experience and makes decisions that create experiences for our eyes to see. I have no control over any person or any of their decisions; meaning I have no control over a number experiences that happen to me/around me in my life. I do, however, have full control over my reaction to any and all experiences.

Emotion Drives Us

Human beings are driven by emotion. Tony Robbins states in his “Why we do what we do, and how to do it better” that emotion is the driving force of life. In Tony’s video he talks about the events of September 9, 2011. When a traumatic experience happens the “sad people get sad, the angry people get angry, and the guilty people get guilty.” He asks a question to strengthen his argument: “Do you know someone who, no matter what happens, they find a way to get pissed off?”

I moved out to Kelowna to play football, and the third day I pinched two nerves in my shoulder. This was a situation which I had no control over. My natural tendency is to react negatively to bad situations, and I could have reacted to this situation in a bunch of different ways; be angry at the person I tackled, be frustrated with myself for making a stupid play, regretting playing football.

I reacted to the situation by beginning to feel sorry for myself. “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” I thought. “Why me,” I questioned. “There’s no way I’ll have the money to pay for physiotherapy.” Every thought, every word and nearly every conversation I had I was making me feel more pity for myself, and I was creating a sob-story for anyone who would listen.

Emotions are the driving force of life, and my emotion for the first week of my arrival was pity and sorrow. I was frustrated that I was injured and I would tell anyone I had a conversation with. I was so focused on the negative situation I had created that I was neglecting experiences that would have made me feel better, like having a good conversation with a friend back home or going out with some of my new friends in Kelowna. I spent my time avoiding positive experiences because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.

There’s a lesson here…

When I went into Roy’s office and found out I was covered, I felt happy for the first time all week. In my positive state I began thinking about my emotions and thoughts over the past week and that’s when I realized that it’s not about being right, it’s about feeling good.

I had created all of these stories surrounding my experience. “I just moved out here to play football and I get injured, just my luck.” “I wanted to start but now I’m injured.” I was justified in my arguments. I did have no control over what happened, it was unfortunate, and it wasn’t what I expected. I used each one of these reasons to justify the way I felt. My negative state made it hard for people to have a conversation with me – human beings have state transfer, meaning I was making them feel what I was feeling. Any time something negative happens to me I have the same pattern; I find away to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or feel sorry for myself.

Time for A Change

Ben Martin recently wrote a fantastic article on the 4 Levels of Learning. The article talks about how to get good at anything, and this also applies to changing your emotional state. In order to make long-lasting change you must become aware of your problem, figure out the solution and then consciously apply the solution every time the problem arises until you no longer have to think about it, the solution becomes automatic.

One of the concepts I teach on Kingpin Social Programs is the “Antidote Effect”.

The “Antidote Effect” works off of the premise that your conscious mind uses language and logic to communicate, your subconscious mind uses images and feelings. When I say “don’t think of a tiger” I think of a tiger. When I say “I don’t want to feel sorry for myself” I feel sorry for myself. That means you must take what you do not want, and focus on the opposite, because that is the image and feeling you want to receive.

My default state is to feel sorry for myself; I had to figure out the opposite of that – which is to feel proud of myself. Every time an experience causes me to fall back into my habitual pity-party I repeat this to myself: “I want to feel proud of myself.” But I found this wasn’t enough. I’ve tried affirmations before and I never actually feel them. So I took this to another level by making a list of 10 reasons I can feel proud of myself. (You can keep these in your head, on a piece of paper in your pocket, or in your cellphone.) I can finally feel myself releasing all of the negative stories I held onto and stepping into a world of vitality, love and appreciation. I’m proud to say I’m finally proud of myself.

SmileEach time I feel a negative emotion I repeat this process, and over time I’m noticing my life experience is improving. I’m consciously looking for the brighter side of life in every area of my life. There’s no longer any reason for a pity party, and I have every reason to feel proud of myself. The level of learning I’m currently on is “Conscious Competence”, meaning when I consciously focus on feeling better when I feel bad, it works, every time. I make a list of 10 reasons why I’m proud of myself, 10 reasons why I’m happy to be alive, 10 reasons why I love my life, etc.

I think too many people look for “quick fixes” when, in reality, all long-lasting change happens with persistence and consistency over time. To take out a piece of paper and write out reasons I could be proud of myself seemed like a lot of effort, especially when I was too busy feeling sorry for myself, but the positive emotion I experience consistently as a result is worth any amount of small effort to make a list whenever necessary.

What Emotion Drives You?

What is your default emotional state?

How do you react to experiences you have no control over in your life? You may need to get a trusted friend to give you the honest answer. When bad things happen to you: Are you strong? Do you worry? Do you become overwhelmed? Frustrated? Pitiful? Angry? Emotions are the driving force of life, and my pity-party kept me from enjoying experiences that would have made me feel better. My emotion sucked the life out of the present moment because I was spending too much time thinking about how frustrated I was.

The good news is that once you know your default emotional state, you can change it for the better:

  1. Become consciously aware of your state. Are you a worry-wart? Do you get frustrated easily? Are you an angry person? Do you get overwhelmed easily?
  2. Use the “Antidote Effect” to figure out the solution to your state. The opposite of worrying is being care-free. The opposite of being frustrated is being happy. The opposite of being angry is being calm. The opposite of being overwhelmed is being relaxed.
  3. Every time you feel yourself in your default state, make a list of the reasons you can feel the opposite of that state. The best part about this idea is that these reasons can have nothing to do with the actual situation that made you feel your negative emotion. The idea is to get yourself in a better state so you can approach the situation that made you feel negative with more clarity and vitality.

In the end I injured my shoulder, but I chose to stay in Kelowna. Every part of me wanted to run away back to Calgary, where it’s comfortable and my friends and family could rescue me. I refused to listen to the internal dialogue though, and I let go of any stories I was holding onto that were making me feel negative emotions. I chose to stay in Kelowna, injured or not, first string or not, strengthening both my integrity and my character as I finish what I set out here to do: finish the Okanagan Sun football season.

All long lasting change happens with consistency over time. I’m not here to give you a solution that will take place over night, because there’s no such thing. Your emotional state drives you, and you do have a default emotional state (or a few). Become aware of the force that drives you and you can consciously change it for the better, over time, until you feel happy without thinking about it.

Categories
Relationships

Codependency & The Road To Self-Love

depressed girl

THAT Girl

You’re sitting home alone on a Friday night, extremely irritated, checking your phone every two minutes with your hair and make up all done with no where to go. No plans except the one you thought you had.“Why hasn’t he called?”, “Why hasn’t he texted?”, “Doesn’t he want to see me?”, “We always hang out.” – You all know that girl, or you are THAT girl. And believe it or not, I was that girl too.

The typical ‘nice girl’ who will bend over-backwards, the one who is constantly available,  and always waiting around for him. She has a life of her own but she doesn’t live it and it slowly deteriorates along side her social life and ambition. She loses her sense of self and starts to mold herself into him and his life. His house, his family, his friends, and all on his time… all of the time.

Hello Codependency

So this all started when a girlfriend of mine and I went for coffee not too long ago and we got on the topic of how we used to be pretty co-dependant on the men in our past relationships and how we love being single because of how much time we get to focus on ourselves. We see who we want, whenever we want. We also get to be selfish, and become more productive and happy than when we were in a relationship. This made me think: “Why was there such a disconnect?” We should still be able to focus on ourselves while finding a healthy balance in our relationships. We came to the conclusion that it was because we were always focused on the other person in the relationship, and not on ourselves. It came from a lack of knowing who we were so we became the permeable membrane and moulded ourselves into the shape our partners to feel safe and secure. It was also a great way to escape our own problems and the things we needed to work on internally. Which kind of gives me the image of those little fishies that swim on the underbelly of a large shark or whale, you know, just going along for the ride. Little did we know then that we were getting further and further away from really figuring out who we were and ending up depleted and depressed.
cuddling

I can only speak for myself and say that I was insecure, impressionable, and lacked self-esteem. I wasn’t self-approved or really understood why loving myself first was the only way to bring anything to a relationship or to live a great life. I was always focused on being the “best girlfriend” and not being the “best me” and therefore constantly lost myself in the other person.

Being self-approved

We all want love, and we are all capable of giving it. But it first needs to start with loving yourself. It was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I actually didn’t love who I was because I didn’t really know who that person was all along. It wasn’t until I started doing different things and was constantly faced with challenges that I grew to understand what I was passionate about and what made up the components of my personality. If you don’t have a hobby, I really suggest you get one!

Let me paint you a picture of what a self-approved girl looks like: A girl who is self-approved doesn’t lose herself in her partner or in people in general (some people lose themselves in friends or family members as well.) She does what she loves to do every day and doesn’t clear her schedule for a guy just because he wants to hang out. She schedules everything on HER time and makes sure she doesn’t lose balance. She doesn’t wait around for a phone call or a text because she is out living her life with friends, family and the things she loves to do. She makes plans and actively participates in her life and takes responsibility in her relationships by making coffee dates, girls nights, etc. She doesn’t tolerate disrespect from anyone and walks away from all unhealthy situations. She sets boundaries and sticks to them. She does all of this because she loves herself and she knows her worth. She is her number one, and rightfully so.

Being Self-Approved Improves Your Relationships

I learned this the hard way. No one wants to be with someone who is codependent. If you are always available and always doing everything your guy wants to do he will lose interest very quickly. What mystery is left in a woman who doesn’t know who she is or a woman who is always there. Yes you love him, but you should love yourself more. If you don’t love who you are, how do you expect him to fall in love with you? Relationships work when two people know who they are, love who they are, and have a lot to bring to the table. They can give freely without feeling drained and don’t lose themselves in the relationship because they can hold their own end. When both partners are living their own lives, they are always growing, and are always bringing value to each other through their experiences.

Being self-approved improves your life exponentially and not just in your partnership. With it comes the feeling of being balanced, fulfilled, and whole. You become confident in who you are and you grow so much more every day. Self-empowerment improves your well-being and makes you a more successful and happy person. It will drastically change all of your relationships, your career, and your health.

you sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found

Making The Transition

Every persons transition will look different and I only know of my own. I started with a list of all the qualities that I admired about myself and built up my self-esteem slowly. I became physically active to help get some seratonin in my blood stream to boost my mood and with that it altered my view on my body (bonus!) Then I did goal-coaching, mirror work and daily mantras/affirmations. Goal-coaching for me started with reading materials like Brian Tracy and writing down all the things I want to accomplish. I started to write out daily, weekly, and monthly goals and it introduced me to new people through different social activities and hobbies that I had as goals. Socializing is a big part of building up self-esteem and confidence plus it keeps you busy and your schedule full! I would also talk to myself in the mirror (sounds goofy but seriously effective) and sometimes I would write with chalk markers on my mirror a mantra that would motivate me. The mantras would remind me how awesome I really am AND it was an amazing way to start my day.

An example of mirror work: “I really like my eyes.”

An example of a mantra or affirmation: “Joy and beauty abounds in my relationships.”

I also used creative outlets like writing. These are all things that worked for me: find what works for you! My girlfriend kept herself busy with volunteering and getting involved with her school since it was her last year before graduating. She met tons of people and found herself in the work she was doing. So find what works for you. Don’t be afraid to experiment or think outside the box.

I would love to hear any similar stories about codependency and finding self-love. Please comment or message me! 🙂

In light and love,

J

Categories
Attracting Women Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

Why You Date “Crazy” People

Why you date crazy peoplePart of connecting with new people and creating long-term relationships is getting to know them on an internal level. Meaning we get the opportunity to see the true self or authentic personality of the person we are getting to know. With that comes the opportunity to gain insight into another’s self-esteem and the battles they face or what they haven’t been able to move past. When we embark into new relationships we share these hidden gems which than exposes them with complete vulnerability and open to ridicule. This vulnerability is what makes creating new relationships so scary. We allow someone close enough for them to see our flaws and to possibly pass judgement or leave disinterested.

“My ex was crazy…”

We’ve all heard this before. Whether you were the one saying it or your friend constantly complains about their constant issue with dating the same douche bag or crazy needy girl every time they get into a relationship. At some point we all need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Why do I attract these qualities of a person into my life? Why do I seem to date needy girls with no self-esteem? Why do I date selfish assholes who won’t give me their time?”

We are all flawed, even Gisele Bundchen has the crazy gene. You are delusional if you think you are the exception. It’s like the Dr Seuss quote, “We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love.” We are all weird, we all have our demons, and we tend to date people who have the same issues that we harbor. They may be crazy… but you’re just as insane.

Breaking The Crazy Cycle

First you need to take inventory of all the relationships you have had. What is the common denominator? Start off simple: Do you date people who are athletic? Smart? Artistic? What do all of your past relationships have in common? Personally the common denominator of my past relationships was two qualities: I dated highly ambitious guys who had no drive and they were also very insecure.

The most common problem in a lot of relationships is co-dependency. Someone who is co-dependent relies on their partner for their happiness, social life, hobbies, etc. They are insecure and crave your affections and attention. They are deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in what they are doing so they will usually latch onto their partners looking for support or even take on their partners life as their own. These people vanish into who they are dating and lose all sense of self. I have been in multiple co-dependent relationships: myself being the co-dependent partner and dating someone who was co-dependent on me.

be the type of person you want to meet

Whether you want to accept it or not… part of their problem lies within you as well. We attract both our most positive qualities and negative qualities. If you are charismatic you tend to attract others who are charismatic because that is a strong quality in you that you like, so you desire it in others. Have you ever noticed that if you wrote out a list of what you wanted in someone it’s generally all your best qualities you find in yourself? The same goes for the negative qualities. I attracted insecure men because I was also insecure. I didn’t realize I was attracted to men who were insecure I just naturally fell into those relationships without the awareness of doing so. I dated highly ambitious men who didn’t have integrity because I myself am very ambitious with no integrity to my projects or dreams. This is all connected to self-esteem and the only self-esteem you can really repair is your own.

So knowing this, how do we move forward?

Be The Best You

It starts with building the best relationship with YOU. If you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself than you will not be able to give fully to someone else. You will be filling the void within yourself through the person you are dating and inevitably drain them thus making them run away and resent you.

People who aren’t whole will cling onto their partners- the only source of their happiness. These people act like drug addicts because love and affection is truly addictive to an individual who is deeply unhappy. Everyone gets this lovely chemical called dopamine injected into their brain every time you embrace someone, sending you into a high of happiness and bliss. Once you take away the love and affection -dopamine – someone who is unhappy will react like most drug addicts: lash out and act insane in order to get back what they once had. Once someone has to face the unhappiness that lies deep down inside they realize how dependant they are on other people for their well being. This is a terrifying and long process.

A healthy relationship consists of two wholes not two halves, so you need to be whole before you can truly attract another person who is whole as well. Two healthy people can actively work together to build a strong relationship. Two healthy people have a strong foundation and thus can build a strong frame to house the relationship in. Without a strong foundation you will not have a house that will withstand the test of time. It’s exactly the same with relationships.

happy couple

You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself and work to be a better you. Make yourself whole first. To be whole you need to appreciate who you are and have a life that you love.

What are you passionate about? What brings you the most value? What are components of your life you enjoy? What are things that don’t bring value in your life and how can you actively take steps to eradicate them? You need to take active steps in your life to bring change, to grow, and it starts by having the awareness of where you need to grow and knowing the things that don’t serve you towards your higher purpose.

And lastly when you take recognition of the negative qualities of your past relationships that also make up who you are, how are you actively working towards to reversing it? In order for me to be more driven and follow through with my dreams, I have been working towards my integrity. I have been working towards this with the help of the Kingpin Crew who push me every day to accomplish my goals. When I accomplish something I naturally feel more successful and positive about what I am doing thus building up positive vibes making me into a happier individual. The happier I am the more whole I feel, the more whole I am, the more I can share that with someone else and build positive relationships that foster love and growth.

If you want to date someone who isn’t “crazy” then you need to start with yourself and be the person YOU would want to date, and naturally you will attract those who share the same positive qualities. Build a strong foundation with yourself; be the best you.

J

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance

How Jealousy Destroys You & Your Relationship

This past week I received an e-mail from a reader regarding their unhappiness. Their story really hit home with me as I had actually experienced a similar situation when I was younger. I realized that through this particular persons experience as well as my own we could help others who may be facing it silently. Here is my reply back to the reader on why it’s important to focus on yourself and be aware of how jealousy really affects you and your relationship.

jealousyBy the extent and depth of your e-mail it really sounds like you are serious about making a change in your life and you are aware of the things that are making you are unhappy. By the flow of the e-mail it also seems like you may have discovered a lot by writing it. Typically when we write we allow our true inner self shine by letting what comes to mind flow on the paper or screen. I have a lot of revelations with writing myself and I encourage you to keep writing.

I understand that you’re scared because you probably already have an idea of what needs to change and change is never easy. Understand that you are reaching out because some part of you does have the drive and motivation to make a change. It’s my job as a coach to be as direct as possible based on my own personal experience as well as my clients experience. My information is very direct and I will try to explain this the best way I can. It may be a lot of tough love but this is the advice I wish I had heard when I was in the same position. I had to learn all of this the long-hard-emotional way and I honestly wish someone had given me the insight I have now.

Assertiveness & Awareness 

Firstly- Awareness is key into making changes but you also need to be Assertive. You have probably seen these two concepts come up in a lot of our articles on the blog. You need to be assertive moving forward in order to make the changes necessary to make yourself happy. You’re happiness comes first above all other things, including your significant other. If you are unhappy in some way than you are unable to give 100% to all of your relationships and it will greatly impact those around you. If you are unhappy it will surely affect your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend. So your happiness needs to be on your highest priority in order to have those healthy relationships and to live a life that feels whole.

The missing puzzle piece is very obvious as you stated it with clarity- you really want a a larger Social Circle. But as I understand you are fearful of losing your partner. You wanting to be more social and going out with your friends shouldn’t be an issue and that boils down to your partners insecurities and trust issues. A healthy relationship doesn’t constrict you in any way. Someone who is secure and wants you to have the best life possible will be supportive in you wanting to be with your friends and yes… even going out. He/She shouldn’t be upset that you are going out, they should be happy for you that you are going out to have fun and spend time with your friends and vice versa.

jealousyHeres an excerpt on love and jealousy/possessiveness for more insight:

“Don’t be possessive, because whenever you are possessive you simply show that you are a beggar. Whenever you try to possess, you simply show that you don’t possess it; otherwise there is no effort. You are the master. There is no need to try for it.
For example, if you love a person: if you try to possess the person, then you don’t love him. You are also not certain about his love. That’s why you create all safety measures, surround him by every trick, by cunningness, by cleverness, so that he cannot leave you. But you are killing love. Love is freedom, love gives freedom, love lives in freedom. Love is, in its intrinsic core, freedom. You will destroy the whole thing.

If you really love, there is no need to possess.  – Osho 


Take Full Responsibility For Your Unhappiness 

In Social Dynamics we talk about taking full responsibility for our actions and outcomes in relationships. So you must take full responsibility in the fact that your partner being jealous is equally your fault as theirs. This might be a little confusing. His/Hers insecurities is their own fault but for you to allow those insecurities to dictact your life and affect your other relationships is your own. You have complete control over your life and you allowed him/her to make you feel guilty and you allowed to let yourself feel guilty. Wanting to have friends and to go out isn’t wrong at all. We are social creatures and we want to create those connections. You feel excluded cause you excluded yourself. It’s not your friends responsibility to keep you involved if you aren’t giving back to those relationships or making a conscious effort. As I said I was in a similar circumstance and it took me a long time to realize that the reasons why my friendships kind of came and went was because I didn’t put in the necessary time it took to create long lasting relationships. I spent so much time with my boyfriend and his friends that I totally neglected my own. If you want to rekindle your old relationships then it starts with you.

Be assertive- call them up and schedule a time that you can meet and catch up. Then after that meeting make sure you follow up with them and set another time to hang out. Take full control of your life and your happiness… No one else will do it for you. I know you’re smart and you want the right things so go after them. People who are in relationships tend to lose their friends because when you really care about someone you really want to spend a lot of time with them. But those moments apart are really important as well. You still need to live separate lives and have separate friends. You may have that awareness of that but being assertive means you will follow through with your beliefs and values.

Your partner has a huge impact on your happiness when he/she is being jealous and jealousy comes from one place- Insecurity. I was here before, and I can definitely say there is a way around that obstacle but unfortunately you can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself, and if he/she doesn’t follow lead then you need to recognize that people who aren’t actively trying to get better will only drag you behind. Jealousy can be flattering but ultimately it is a characteristic that will hurt your relationship in the long run if it isn’t dealt with. You can’t ignore your happiness, and your partner can’t ignore the things you need in order to be happy. Your happiness comes first and foremost, and you are 100% deserving of that happiness.

Where to start

friendsCALL your old friends and re-build the friendship you have already started: set up a time to meet and catch up, I would also apologize and tell them how much you care about them.

Schedule Time For Friends: after you catch up, make sure you follow through on your commitments with them and make time for them. Literally schedule it in to your calendar as soon as possible and stay integral. Use Google Calendar. Seriously one of the best thing I have done for myself. Here’s a blog post by Cam on how to use Google Calendar to take your lifestyle to the next level.

Stay In Contact Weekly: Phones calls, text messages, facebook, etc.Work On Self-Love: Work on yourself and your insecurities. You stated that you haven’t really been single, you are always in a relationship (I did the same thing) and that usually stems from a fear of being alone among other things. This will help you with the jealousy and allow for you to grow in to a stronger confident woman. Here’s a blog post I wrote on self love that covers this topic on a more broad scale.

http://devotedshift.com/blog/how-i-use-to-be-that-girl-the-road-to-self-love/

Allow Yourself To Be Happy: Do the things you want in order to be happy, go out with your friends with out guilt and zero apologies cause you deserve to have fun – you’re young! You’re a good person and you care about your boyfriend/girlfriend and he/she worrying about you going out stems from being too insecure. You can’t hold his/her hand to make him/her feel better- he/she needs to work on that himself/herself and build his/her self esteem as well. Just do you and your partner will follow lead if he/she is a quality guy/girl.

Don’t Make The Mistake Twice: Don’t allow yourself to lose contact with your friends again, take responsibility and be assertive. This shows that you care about them and you’re taking yourself seriously in your happiness.Friends and wanting to go out is a part of life and you should never guilt yourself in to thinking you are doing something wrong. You’re young, enjoy it :)Please feel free to email me back with any questions. I am also free to meet up for coffee. I’m here if you need anything so don’t hesitate to message me at any time. Your happiness is important to me and I want to see you grow and be happy. It all starts with you!

In love and light,

Categories
Lifestyle Social Relationships

Social Dynamics: No Girls Allowed!

Woman Haters Club

A Guys Girl

I have always got along with BOYS. My first best friend was my neighbour in Summerland, BC. His name was Alex, a cute blonde boy with a grin as large as mine; we would run around and play in the dirt all day around his family farm. Just up the road were three other boys who lived on an orchard; we would run around the rows of peach trees with water guns, sling shots, and climb into the tree fort to plan attacks against the rival brothers. I didn’t feel very different from them… we liked the same games, same sports, and I didn’t have any concept of gender separation. I knew I was a girl, and they were boys, but I didn’t create a line between the two of us. We were one in the same.

I grew up with a brother who is 5 years older than I whom I always looked up to. He was older, got to do cooler things than I did, got his first car before I did, first cell phone, always the first experiences of being the older child. I desperately wanted to do things that the older kids always got to do, especially with him. I wanted to be part of everything he was doing, I wanted to keep up and not be left behind. When I was 7 he taught me my first karate moves to ward off any boys or bullies, we would play floor hockey in the garage, and throw around a baseball in the back-yard.

It only makes sense that now as I find myself completely surrounded by men in a company that I admire and love being a part of. It’s not always easy being the only woman because I don’t make it easy on myself. I have higher expectations that I have set on my own, I have this desire to keep up and prove that I have a place among “the boys.” These guys are constantly pushing themselves to grow, which pushes me to level up that much quicker. The growth is exponential, the environment is contagious, and it’s hard not to say that these guys who I have known for only 5 months have quickly become some of my closest friends. We call each other on our excuses, the BS, and we carry each other’s struggles and build each other up when another falls. We are more like a family than a business. You can only imagine the questions I get! I get asked all the time- “Why do you work for Kingpin Social?” “How do you explain to women what Kingpin Social is? or my favorite- “You work for Pick-up Artists!?” 

“Queen”pin Social

Connection

Well- these are all great questions, and I understand the struggle when trying to explain to women what Social Dynamics is- especially if you don’t quite have the grasp on what it is, yourself. Maybe you think you know and you just don’t know how to frame it, or maybe you’re a girl and you are having a hard time understanding how all of this relates to you. Maybe you are holding on to the notion that this is “pick-up” with a different name and that infuriates you (which I can understand, but you’re completely off.) I don’t know where you are at, but I can definitely help lift the fog on what Social Dynamics is and how it’s not a boy’s club- it’s for women too! Hello Queenpin Social! 😉

For all my ladies out there, I’m a self-respecting girl and some-what of a feminist. I wouldn’t take part or advertise a company that is involved with pick-up theories. I understand the benefits of pickup but I also understand its downfalls and where PUA’s (pick-up artists) are missing out when it comes to building long-lasting relationships. Neil Strauss in “The Game” even states at the end of the book that being a PUA didn’t equip him with how to create lasting relationships and found it difficult to hold on to a girlfriend. From my experience I see two things with pickup artists and it all depends on their intention.

Intention #1: They are using it to learn how to get girls to build up their self-esteem. They come from a place where they need external validation, but it doesn’t tackle the internal problems of filling that shallow void. Something is missing and they are looking in the wrong place: trying to find it in other people.

Intention #2: They just want help to become more social. These books are great with helping people who are usually more introverted and need some guidelines or “pick-up lines” in order to generate conversation. So in retrospect that is a very good thing! The basis that it’s strictly for getting girls to sleep with a guy is only one way to look at it and yes, some guys use it strictly for that. But not all.

I’m not saying pick-up artistry is good, but it comes down to the intention of the individual. Kingpin Social doesn’t work with clients that share the same intention that most PUA’s do: getting girls. We aren’t about helping dudes sleep with as many girls possible, we are about creating connections with everyone to better our personal relationships, our careers, and our social circles. We want everyone to live the most optimal, happy, and healthy life. This starts with having a healthy relationship with yourself as well with others.

Boys! Ugh!

Connecting the female perspective dots

How do I explain to women what Social Dynamics is? Exactly the same way I explain it to men! Social Dynamics solves the question of “Why can’t we all just get along?” Life = Relationships and Social Dynamics teaches you how to build long lasting relationships with anyone and everyone. This isn’t just about dating but dating is important for everyone as we all desire love. We love companionship, so of course we all want to learn how to create better relationships with the opposite sex, it only makes sense. Men are terrified of women, and a lot of women are afraid of men- we are all afraid of each other. Through Social Dynamics you can learn how to create a great relationship with anyone, and allow it to benefit you as well as the other person. We always want to create a win-win situation for everyone involved.

“But you are going out to bars and talking to girls?” This is only half true. Of course we want guys to talk to girls, but we also want them to make connections with other guys, bartenders, the bouncers, the manager, etc. If a guy can talk to a girl he finds attractive than it will be easier for him to talk to the less daunting people like the management, or another guy at the bar grabbing drinks. If you do the thing you are most uncomfortable with, you will grow and be more comfortable in that situation. You need to learn how to communicate effectively with everyone and come from an authentic place. If men and women can generate momentum in one area of life such as dating that gives them an anchor to build off to generate more momentum in other areas of your life too, like your career. This is what we do at Kingpin Social. We don’t arm you with pick-ups lines to take a girl home; we give you the tools that allow you to talk to anyone so you can become the social butterfly you have always wanted to be and live a life you love with dope people to boot.

Is Social Dynamics for men only? Of course not! I wouldn’t be writing this article if that was the case. Social Dynamics is for everyone under the sun. If you want to explain to the women in your life what Social Dynamics is without coming off the wrong way, then send them this article. It’s sometimes better coming from another woman, as it can be hard to get over the stigma that this all started from a company that derived originally from men wanting to meet and date more women. If you have any questions or would like to sit down with me then email me. I would be more than happy to help or ask any probing questions. ALSO! I will be launching a womans program in the new year and would love to hear your suggestions or feedback. What kind of program would you be interested in?

Making Connections

Social Dynamics is NOT Pick-up

The founders, Cam and Kevin, started out with the same intention of wanting to meet more people. They weren’t in it to meet and sleep with girls. The only methods out there at the time were within the methodology of pick-up, so at first they attempted to use those concepts to meet new people – men and women – but after time they both realized it was a flawed method. It was taking value from the people they were interacting with as well within themselves. It’s hard to hold up a long lasting relationship when you’re not being your authentic self- thus spawned a real pursuit to find the fundamentals of healthy relationships across all social relationships; Social Dynamics!

Social Dynamics isn’t about being someone you aren’t, it’s about building a relationship with yourself so you can ultimately “be yourself” and learning how to make a connection with anyone you want. That could be your neighborhood barista, your mom, your neighbour, the cute guy/girl who lives two floors above you, the chess community, or your boss. If you want to connect with someone for personal reasons or for business opportunities- Social Dynamics can help you. This is why I am part of the Kingpin Social team, because I know that it works for everyone and it has worked for me.

Lastly I need to say that I hate the fact that there is even a parallel between Pick-up and Social Dynamics. It doesn’t give justice to the incredible tools that Kingpin Social has to offer everyone in building a bad ass life. It shouldn’t even be part of the equation or even discussed in my mind, as they are two completely different ideologies and have different intentions overall. From woman to woman- I stand behind Social Dynamics because of choice and was welcomed with open arms into the team because I asked to be there. I wouldn’t be part of something that works against my morals or values, and I sure wouldn’t be writing this article unless I wanted this view to be shifted. Social Dynamics isn’t Pick-Up, so don’t even try to correlate the two. I would love to extend an invitation to any women who wants to be part of the movement of Social Dynamics to message me or any of the team members to get involved and see what this company is all about. It will blow your mind.

In light and love,

J

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Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance

How To Shift From A (-) Mindset To A (+) Mindset

Universe“Complaining continues to create the vibration of what you don’t want. Today, take your focus off of what is wrong and focus on what is right and how you desire things to be. Put all your love, energy, mental power and decision making towards what you want and do not entertain thoughts that are to the contrary. You are MORE responsible for the way you feel than your environment, circumstances or relationships. Step towards Love today, step towards the solution.” – Jackson Kiddard

You know those mornings where you wake up and everything seems to be insanely frustrating? The mornings where you wake up 20 minutes late, you can’t find your keys, you burn your cinnamon raisin bagel, and forget to put the lid on the blender for your morning shake. Your morning is a mess from the very moment you pressed the snooze button multiple times. You then get behind the wheel to drive 45 minutes in traffic to get to work. These compiled emotions can stack like bricks into a wall of pending doom. All of a sudden it seems like you are a giant magnet for the worst drivers, you hit every red light, and yup- zero parking stalls are available. You really thought that was going to be possible? Dream-on.

What you think; You will become.

The basic fundamentals of the law of attraction are: what we put out is what we receive. We all vibrate at different kinds of frequencies, let’s stick to just positive and negative, and that energy is than radiating out from your very core out into the universe. I like to visualize it like radio waves. Whichever vibration you are putting out into the world is that which you attract. The more you vibrate at that frequency the more it attracts the same. You can see how this can be a problem, but this isn’t all bad news because it can also be an incredible way to attract success and happiness. Those who focus on negativity and vibrate at a negative frequency, tend to attract everything they don’t (yet do) want. Negative people tend to focus on the result they don’t want but in doing so results in them getting what they do want by attracting what they don’t want… in order to be right. You following? This is called manifestation. If you don’t want to stub your toe but yet are convinced that you will in-fact stub your toe no matter how badly you don’t want to- you will. It’s a simple equation. You end up stubbing your toe because you wanted to stub your toe to show that you were right about how much your life sucks. It’s a way for you to boost your ego, to allow excuses and breed negativity to allow you to settle. Bring on the self-loathing and bouts of pity-parties. I have been there many times, in fact, I was there for a few days this past week.

The law of attraction and manifestation isn’t something I’ve recently learned but definitely something that has been a challenge to remind myself not to allow negativity to breed into my life as it tends to result in an overload of stress, sadness, apathy, and worst of all- procrastination.

In the past few weeks I managed to burn myself out by pushing myself too hard with all of my obligations. With the drop in my iron levels combined with my incredible ability to spread myself thin until breaking point- I have been a walking vibration of stress and exhaustion. Being so financially focused that my view of “half full” has turned into “half empty.” It’s sad, but true. I would be driving my truck and glance at my gas gage, it could be 3/4 full and I nervously tap my fingers against the steering wheel thinking about how much time I have ’till it’s empty again. I send myself into a nervous break-down worrying about everything. This obsession with lacking resulted into stress, feeling anxious, and procrastinate like a crazy lady, thus creating even more stress! After that comes what I call, Sabotage Mode.

Law of attraction

Be careful what you wish for

After realizing that I was fixating on my gas gage and felt like I was somehow mentally draining my tank by focusing on it so much, I ended up realizing that focusing on the inevitable wouldn’t allow me to focus on being more solution orientated. The stress took away from me working harder on doing the things I needed to get done. I looked in all the places I could to have proof that I was lacking and therefore I found it- cause that’s what I was so focused on. This reminded me how I use to be when I was working in retail. I would say things like “This person doesn’t like me” and every day I would search for reasons to validate my assumptions. Any facial expressions, gestures, and conversations I would dissect for meaning to prove that what I was thinking was correct. But in doing so I wasn’t being fair to the person or allowing myself to create a better foundation in developing a relationship with them. Recently I have been doing this with team members in order to sabotage myself from growing and to keep myself comfortable. I was looking for any proof that I wasn’t welcome or that they genuinely didn’t want me there, in order to say “I don’t think I should do this anymore…” because of how terrified I was in getting what I really want. I would tell myself every excuse I could possibly think of and I would look for every reason and proof to validate my ego and prove myself right.

If you look for it, you will always find it.

Shifting from a (-) to a (+)

After having an in-depth conversation with Mikey B, I was able to allow myself to drop my walls and face my ego for what it really was. I knew I was looking for a way to back out and I knew that if I looked for reasons why I should, I would find it. Negativity is like a snow-ball effect, it all starts with one little ball of snow and it grows larger and larger as it picks up speed and rolls down the hill- later crashing and destroying everything in its path. For me it started with the feeling of lacking and the stress of my financial state, at that moment I was vibrating at a ‘lacking’ or negativity frequency, I then started to attract even more negativity into my life thus creating a giant snow ball that took out everything I had built for myself.  (Insert an emotional break-down here.)

How do you get out of the negative frequency? Its actually very simple- but not always easy. You need to wake up everyday with the intention that everything is going to be awesome and declare for yourself that you won’t tolerate the negativity virus that has been spreading in your life. Also you need to create a process that will help you demolish the things that are keeping you at a negative frequency. You can’t expect change without any action! 😉

Here is my process for Shifting from a Negative State to Positive State:

  1. Declare
  2. Affirmations
  3. Write it down
  4. Take Action
  5. Get Creative
1. Declare- This may seem really goofy, but it works. You declare out loud that you won’t tolerate any more negativity from yourself and from any external factors. Here’s an example: “Ok Universe, I understand I’ve been a giant ball of negativity but it ends here and now. I will no longer accept from myself or from any external factors this negative vibration as it isn’t serving me any purpose, in fact its destroying everything I have worked hard towards. So this is it, I’m going to put out as much love and positivity imaginable. I will only allow things that foster a positive mindset and outcome.” 

Get Creative!

2. Affirmations- This is another declaration but in short form and you can use it through-out the day. For instance this morning I used: “This is going to be an awesome day!”I kept repeating it until it really resonated with in me.3. Write it down– Write down everything that is stressing you out or isn’t serving you. I call it a “mind dump” – I literally write everything down that is stressing me out and need to tackle to feel clear headed. If your job is stressing you out, then write it down and say why so you understand the actions you may need to take later on to fix your situation, etc.

4. Take Action– You know that list you just wrote out? One by one attack each thing and cross it off when its completed. Its like a giant blackboard and that blackboard is your mind. Everything on your mind, or blackboard, is taking up too much space to allow positive vibrations to come in or new experiences and tasks. This results in that feeling of being stuck. By taking one step at a time you will slowly erase parts of the blackboard allowing you to feel less stressed and to allow room for more positivity to breed. All that crowded space isn’t serving you- it’s taking away from you. So get’er done!

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” – Mikey B

5. Get Creative– Find a creative way that works for you to keep you accountable to your ‘Take Action List.’ I’m creative and need visual stimulation to help me get motivated so I created a board with my To DO list. It’s split in to categories, and every thing has a break-down of actions I need to complete. Once I complete a task, I get a sticker!  This isn’t for everyone so make sure you pick a way that works best for you. If you work better with excel sheets then do an excel sheet, and if you work better with reminders on  your phone then make sure you set reminders and alarms for each task. To work optimally is to understand what you need in order to be efficient and feel motivated.
J

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

Strong Women Can Date Too!

I’d Rather Be Wonder Woman Than Cinderella 

Strong Women
Photo Credit: http://www.fournierphotographe.com/
Dating a strong woman is one thing, but to be one in the dating world can sometimes be a challenge. With the strides of equality in woman’s rights, women are now finding positions as CEO’s of major corporations and heck they can even have children without ever finding a man, with invetrofertilization. Not all women want that knight in shining armor to come save them on their white steed of masculinity, flexing their pecks and waving their…er…sword. It’s a tough balance finding a guy who is strong enough to handle the independence of a secure and successful woman without leaving them feel emasculated or worse… deflated.

Society has successfully depicted the ideal woman to be this wafer thin girl who desperately needs a man to save her so she can start her new life as a happy fulfilled woman. Hello glass slipper! Is this what men ACTUALLY desire? Weak and desperate women? Maybe. So how the heck do strong women compete with these girls who are on the verge of tying themselves to train tracks in order to validate a man’s psychological need to protect? It’s a crazy world out there but I honestly think in the end a high quality man wants a high quality woman. Depending on your perspective… I tend to think that a High quality women = a strong woman. 

My definition of a STRONG WOMAN:

  • She’s Independent (insert Destiny Child’s independent woman song here 😉 ) 
  • She’s emotionally secure and doesn’t look for constant validation
  • She’s able to speak her mind and speak up for her beliefs and values
  • She doesn’t tolerate disrespect 
  • She has her own life/friends/obligations/schedule 
  • She is able to be there when he/she needs to lean on her for support 
  • She’s number one in her books always 
  • She knows that showing her emotions isn’t weak and she accepts help when she needs it  

I haven’t always considered myself a strong woman, but in the past couple of years I have worked really hard on myself to become what I call: self-approved, thus on the right path to becoming a strong woman. After a couple of trecherous break-ups I found the strength within myself to find the happiness and fulfillment I was desperately searching for from the men in my life. After this long self-journey, Wam-Bam- the strong woman metamorphism had finally taken its course. It wasn’t always easy on my relationships, in-fact my last relationship I found it difficult making sure the guy I was dating (let’s call him M) feeling like he wasn’t a man. A lot of men view being “a man” with this concept of being a provider, ‘breadwinner,’ or protector. M communicated that he felt like I didn’t need him and thus I would push him away. He had a great desire to provide for me and wanted me to lean on him when I was struggling. Gasp* Me!? He wanted ME to ask for HELP!? But I am a STRONG WOMAN! Who does he think he’s dating… Rapunzel? Being a vegetarian it’s not like I could tell him to shoot a moose and drag it back to our cave as I stand by and clap like the happiest seal at the zoo. “Oh hunny! You’re so strong and mighty!” *Swoon* Uhm, not happening. 

What was I going to do?

Don’t we all want this in some aspect? Relationships aren’t just about wanting to share life experiences with a certain somebody but also to fill this desire we all have within ourselves to be needed and adored by another person. We all want to be desired, and we all want deep loving connections otherwise why does our world revolve around finding a soul mate? Isn’t dating the fundamental grounds to finding someone with the goal of matrimony? Isn’t that what ‘going steady’ was all about? How do we keep our independence in-tact when we need to show the object of our affection that in some way we need them? Or better yet- want them?

Wonder Woman

Hey- Wonder Woman Wants To Get Laid Too

How are we able to balance between being independent and making our men feel wanted? Or feel masculine? How can we keep our independence while still being desirable to a quality man? By being Wonder Woman! Well- not ACTUALLY- but think about this Marvel Character. She’s strong, beautiful and still considered feminine yet desirable no matter how buff she is and how much ass she has kicked. She will put you in a head-lock, and tie you up in her lasso. She stands for justice. She sticks to her values and fights for the greater good. Yeah she’s depicted as this incredible hour glass shape figure but what is REALLY attractive is her strong personality with the balance of how much of a woman she really is.

Success in being a strong woman AND dating comes down to embracing your feminine nature while making sure you allow the guy you are with to express his masculine nature in ways that he needs to. Communication is key! This doesn’t mean you drop your values and what you believe in if he needs something that you don’t agree with. In that circumstance you just don’t [ fit ] as a couple. But by dropping your shield and allowing him to help in some way may be what he needs in order to feel like he is contributing to your relationship as a man.

Here are some examples: If you typically pick the bill up on your dates (who knows maybe  your the ‘breadwinner’) or like to pick up groceries for dinner and he desires to be a provider than you need to allow him to express that by paying every once and awhile. If you go to the theater and you’re cold and he offers you his jacket- accept it. He wants to take care of you in these small gestures and in the end it doesn’t make you seem weak or incapable. You are allowing him to express himself and this creating a stronger connection with him.

I think the biggest struggle for women who fight to be seen as independent and strong is acceptance. You need to accept the small gestures that men like to express by setting aside your need to be seen capable. Accepting help or needing someone to lean on can be hard for a woman who wants to be taken seriously or not seen as weak. Just know that it truly doesn’t make you less of a woman or less of a person to be taken care of. Being a strong woman means letting go of the need to control. The strongest of women know how to balance their partners needs with their own and allow the men in their life to be men when they need to be. It’s a balancing act, and it can be done. In the end if you are seeing a guy who wants to treat you like a damsel in distress to fill his extreme need of masculine validation- dump him. Your happiness comes first, be self-approved and you will find a strong enough guy who can accept you for the great qualities you possess. There will always be those guys who prefer ‘weak’ women and those who prefer strong women. It’s just about getting out there and finding them. 😉

If you have any questions or comments regarding this post- please feel free to comment below! I love the feedback! As for all the strong women out there- what has helped you to find that balance?

J  

 

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

Why Men Should Cry: How Being Emotional Leads To A Better Connection.

Boys CryAfter enjoying an incredible yoga class at my favourite studio, Yoga Santosha, I had the pleasure of sitting down with two amazing ladies who are on the road to self-love and enlightenment. Before I get started talking about embracing the feeling of being vulnerable, I would like to state that I am aware of the audience that I am speaking to. Predominantly Kingpin Social has a lot of single men who have either been in the pick-up, interested in its theories and tactics, or is still a part of the community. This topic is universal, it does not separate men from women, or prejudice in any sense. However, I am talking about accepting emotions- raw, real, and earth shattering emotions that leave us feeling debilitated, scared, and humble. This to many men (even women) is something foreign or maybe even disinteresting. Like c’mon, who wants to feel? Pssh, pansies.  Who wants to talk about their emotions? Most women do, and some men even do as well.

Macho Men versus Emotional Women.

We’ve all heard this idea that men and women are separate in the way we think – men tend to be more logical and women more emotional. This concept shouldn’t be a way for us to separate ourselves because it allows us to lose the idea that we aren’t unified, whole, and one- no one being greater than the other. We are all great, and have the abilities to tap into both logical and emotional state of minds. The difference in our sexual organs and level of hormones shouldn’t allow us to create this division. This disconnection tends to lead to these excuses of why we have difficulties communicating to the opposite sex. “I can’t talk to you, you’re too emotional” or “I can’t talk to you, you’re too logical.” As a world nation we can’t allow ourselves to fall victim to this notion of difference but instead focus on how we connect and are one.

Think about this. We possess the same qualities that we see in others if we choose so- it’s all a choice. If you want to be more athletic you can go out and start running or pick-up a gym membership to work out 5 times a week. If you want to be funny you can study stand-up comedy and surround yourself with funny people. If you want to be more open-minded you can surround yourself with new perspectives or educate yourself in new theories and ideologies to help broaden your mind.

Crying Society has divided us in to two opposing sexes with this general idea that boys shouldn’t cry, and girls are allowed to cry because of their emotional nature. Masculinity versus Femininity. This emotional suffrage that men are exposed to at a young age, in order to have this “masculine” status, has debilitated so many men in finding their inner harmony and connecting with women on a more emotional level. If men allowed themselves to better understand the liberation of emotion, maybe then they would be able to communicate more effectively with women. If women then took the time to assess their emotional state in a logical manner, maybe than they could effectively communicate with men. By tapping in to a place we generally lack in, we allow ourselves the opportunity to grow and evolve. What better way to learn how to communicate with someone by experimenting with learning how they process things.

A lot of men, and yes even women, have no sense of self. They have never allowed themselves to just feel the things they feel. This inner reflection of just feeling and allowing it is a huge move in the right direction to building better connections not just with other people but with the most important relationship of all- with yourself.

In that moment of emotion, whether it be sadness, frustration, or anger- why do we always resort to holding it in? Stifling it? Why do we tell people “Awe, please stop crying?” Why!? Why do we need to bottle up our emotions as if we are saving them up for another day? Why don’t we allow ourselves to embrace the emotions, let them out, and then assess them in order to grow? This time of inner-reflection and release will only aid in creating better and long-lasting relationships. We all have our own crap to work on. If we don’t work on them we can end up projecting them on our partners and sabotaging the relationship. We have all had a hard battle and we all have the scars to prove it. Feelings are like feedback loops about where you are at. If you feel vulnerable and afraid then you know you are probably stuck in a comfort zone and need to push through in order to grow. If you feel sad or don’t like the person you are then you know you need to take the time to delve deeper to find the things you love. You need to assess your greatest qualities and actively do things that make you feel better. If you never learn about yourself, how can you have an authentic relationship with others? If you don’t love yourself, then how can you genuinely love someone else? You would just fill a void that only you can fill, and until you fill it, you will always feel a sense of emptiness and unhappiness.

Tally ho! Moving Forward

To move forward in your growth by learning how to effectively communicate with the opposite sex, we need to take the time to try on the other shoe. Both men and women need to embrace emotion, and need that logical aspect in order to create actions or to better understand why they feel the way they feel. That sense of awareness will help you move forward and not be trapped in that sense of doom that can come along with unhappiness. You can therefore create actions within your new found wisdom of self to help grow past your self set limitations.

This ability to dig within ourselves and find the courage to share our emotions through our individual stories opens us up to the ability to connect with others on a much deeper level. I believe this, living more vulnerable, is the avenue that we must take to make a better tomorrow and to understand one another on a larger scale. If we can understand one another on a deep level, then we can communicate much more effectively.

Here’s a great video on “Living Vulnerable.” The woman who is speaking on TED.com is a research analyst- very logical, and she shares her findings on how we can build better relationships through this idea of living vulnerably. Tell me what you think! Comment below and don’t forget to subscribe and like the fan page.

In light and love,

J

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance Social Dynamics Social Gym

Where Social Dynamics Needs to Start

Starts with YOUToday I sat down at my laptop with the intention of writing another post that explains the difference between men and women in the realm of dating. Specifically on why men love to say they are going on a “date” and women like to say they are going to “hang out.” A very broad topic choice, however, the inspiration wasn’t there. As the only female writer on this site it allows me to have a voice for all the women in my life, it has been a great avenue to express those opinions to a male dominated audience but somewhere on my soap box with my megaphone, I lost my own voice.

Cam wanted me to write for Kingpin Lifestyle after reading my blog posts from my personal blog Devoted Shift. It’s a blog where I delve in to my own mind, goals, motivation and the struggles of writing or being an artist in general. I write about my frustrations and my celebrations while helping others do the same. By sharing my story, I help others to share their own struggles and through that self-journey they find inspiration and guidance. I came to this site wanting to help people, but most of all I really want to heal people of their painful pasts and to bring them in to the light of what is to come in their future. The future holds beautiful things if you choose to let go of the past and create the future you desire. We are all creators, that is our divine gift. Your future starts with yourself and how you communicate with your environment and the people with in it, this is where Social Dynamics ties in so beautifully. This is why I am a contributor and that voice got somewhere lost in the transition from being a writer for a woman dominated audience to a male one.

Since I am a very internalized woman, who has always struggled with executing, teaming up with Kingpin Social was a great way to keep myself accountable to facing the fear of taking ACTION. This is something I have now realized is a strong suit. I have the ability to help readers of Kingpin Lifestyle to be best in both of these specified arenas. If you have internal awareness as well as knowing how to execute effectively through Social Dynamics, you will be set up for success. So this is what you can expect from me moving forward.

Social Dynamics & Meditating

What Social Dynamics teaches us is that Life = Relationships. I think the biggest missing puzzle that it isn’t always communicated is that the relationship with yourself is the most important one for you to be successful in all relationships.

Meditating

Social Dynamics starts with YOU. You need to work internally as much as you need to practice talking to people every day, learning perceptions of value, and to push yourself in all areas of growth by making goals that will take you there. If you don’t like the person that you are then how can you communicate authentically to a desirable man or woman how awesome you are? To your boss? To your family? You start by asking yourself specific questions that will help you find your self-defeating limitations and creating actionable goals to get you to where you want to be.

I see a lot of guys in the Pick-Up Community that have no self-esteem or sense of self-worth, you see it in women too, a lot of us think that by ‘acting’ you will ‘become’. You pretend to be confident and secure, but when it comes down to it if you aren’t confident and secure it will surely come out in your actions and body language. Typically you can end up in relationships that have no meaning since you aren’t capable of trusting or feeling whole. In order to be good at communicating and attracting ‘high quality’ people, you need to have that self-realization that you are a dope person. By being someone you are not than you are being inauthentic. Inauthentic means you aren’t congruent with your true self and it leads to unhappiness. Unhappiness leads to unfulfillment and disappointment within yourself and how do you build relationships with that mind set? You can try and fake it till you make it but until you are able to find the source of why you have self-defeating thoughts and where they originate from, than you will never be able to work past them. You need to balance between your internal awareness and taking action to push your comfort zones. Just because you aren’t confident doesn’t mean you can’t take actions that can lead you to becoming confident. Just remember that you need to delve deep in to your self to find why you think they way you do so you can overcome it and grow. Otherwise you just avoid the issue and never work past it.

All these articles on Kingpin Lifestyle have amazing lessons and great wisdom for you to meditate on, but most importantly they are there for you to take ACTION, to take that information and to challenge yourself with what you have learnt. This is something that we all need to work towards daily, even the guys at Kingpin Social, and yes including myself. The team and I always wake up every day to our ‘Order Of Operations” – the things we need to get done in the day to stay accountable to not only ourselves  but to others to. We all have to practice what we preach, we have to push our social fears, and we have to level ourselves up and the people around us consistently. The reason why we get better every day is because we stretch that muscle every day. This is why we have Social Gym. Just like you would dedicate time to work out, you have to put time aside to work on yourself and to the things you have learnt.

Take Action

Think of it this way. Lets say on Wednesdays you work on your upper body at the gym, this means you have it already mapped out in your mind that you will need to work on your biceps, traps, forearms, lats, chest, back and torso. You know what repetitions, weight, and exercises that will help you pinpoint those specific muscles to make them stronger. By taking that analogy you start to realize that you can take that kind of preparation and dedication in to every aspect of your life in order to build not only your physical self but your social and mental ones as well.

This is where men and women typically differentiate. Women tend to want to internalize things and understand things at its root before acting out on them, where as men typically want to act then to internalize afterwards. How do we find the balance? How do we not allow the excuse for women to never to take action because they always need to meditate on it first? How do we encourage men to meditate on things more to understand things at a deeper sub-conscious level? By having awareness that as a woman we need to focus on learning how to take action to balance both the ability to self-internalize but not allowing it to hinder the ability to follow through. Men can work more on taking time to meditate and asking themselves important questions to learn more about their internal self while they have the strong suit of taking action. It’s all about balance and covering all bases to be the most successful.

Action Quote Buddha{ *Please note that this is a generalized view and doesn’t mean that all women have problems with not taking action, and not all men have problems with self-reflection. It can always work vice-versa. Men have problems taking action but have a great sense of self and women who have troubles with delving deeper in to internal awareness  but are great at taking action. It’s about pin-pointing your area of opportunity and working past it. *  }

Actionable Goals

Today I want you to smile at one person. Anyone! Make eye contact and just smile. Say ‘Good Afternoon’ or ‘Good Evening’ to a passing stranger or start up a conversation with someone in line while you are grabbing your coffee. Make someones day. That is your goal!

After doing that assess how you feel.

Do you feel different? Are you happier? How did you feel before? Were you scared? Are you still fearful? How can uplifting others through small actionable goals like these help you build a stronger internal value for yourself?

This is a great way to balance an action with taking the time to see how it affects you internally.

Other questions you should ask yourself: “Did you talk about yourself the entire time? Were you seeking validation? Were you listening and being present? What kind of questions did you ask? What did that person teach you?” After you do this today I would love for you to post in the comment box below!

Answer the questions I just stated, and allow yourself to internalize your actions. As you build more awareness of your external environment it is important to take time to delve deeper in to your internal awareness to expand your mindsets and to learn more about yourself and others.

J