Categories
Mental Performance

Compare Yourself To Other People? Here’s A Better Solution!

comparison is the thief of joyGrowing up I experienced so much anxiety it stunted my self-confidence.

This caused me to feel so frustrated at my perceived failures I continuously beat myself up about it. I would look around at other people and think, “Why couldn’t I be like them?” Why couldn’t I be smarter? Why wasn’t I better looking? Why did I have no friends? Did I fit in? Will they like me? These are the types of thoughts that lead you to a whole lot of pain and suffering. This type of thinking does not need to happen, and I’m here to show you how to change your perception.

Changing this can help you develop yourself to the point where you have little or no social anxiety, you are able to come up with realistic creative solutions to the problems you face, you can learn to see yourself as a fluid person and not a static being.

The History of Comparing Yourself to Other People

the condensed version

Where did we learn this behavior?

We learned it from our parents, our friends, tv, advertising, the media, seeing other people do things that we can’t do, failure, taking things personally, etc. What we learned is that we are not good enough or that we don’t measure up.

What is so bad about comparing yourself to other people?

There has been research completed which identifies the effect on performance of those who maintain an internal comparison versus those who use external factors to manage themselves. In the research, it showed that in stressful settings, those who were internally managed were found to “perceive less stress, employ more task-centered coping behaviors, and employ fewer emotion-centered coping behaviors than externals.” In high stress situations, those with an internal comparison performed better than those who used external factors for a comparison. (Locus of control, coping behaviors, and performance in a stress setting: A longitudinal study by Anderson, Carl R)

So what does this mean for you?

First off, you aren’t somebody else. You are you. You may wish you were someone else, but you are still you. By comparing yourself to other people, you automatically tell yourself that you aren’t good enough and that you can be compared to other people. This leads to all kinds of anxiety, self-loathing, anger, hatred, and generally all kinds of nasty behavior which is unnecessary.

I’ve lived it. Occasionally, this kind of nonsense will return into my head. Even after all the years I have worked at this, I still face my demons… But, now I’m smarter.

Important note: realize that shaming yourself further cements you in this destructive pattern. Those emotional anchors are there, but you don’t have to feed them.

So, what can we do about this when it happens? How do we ‘fix’ it?

Start comparing yourself to yourself!

What I mean by that is that instead of comparing yourself to other people compare yourself to how you were in the past.

Say for e.g. if you were trying to learn a new song on your guitar. You get really frustrated because you are having trouble learning a specific part of the song, or even the whole song entirely. Your mental process kicks in about how you are not good enough, how you are not as good as your friend Jack who can play this song as well as a hundred more difficult songs, and then you start comparing yourself to Jimi Hendrix who could literally play this song with his teeth. Ah, the misery!

The alternative?

Think about when you never played the guitar. Think about when you learned your first chord. Think about the first time you ever put two chords together and the experience you had. Maybe it was damn easy for you or maybe it was difficult.

download

But the fact is, you have gotten yourself to the point that you can even consider playing a song. That means you have developed your interests, you have motivated yourself to locate/buy a guitar, you have found someone/something to teach you, you have learned your first chord and so on.

Do you see how much you have grown? Do you remember how it was not always easy? Did you somehow think that it was easy for everyone? Other than the rare exception, things don’t come easy to people. It takes hard work, dedication and persistence.

If you don’t play the guitar or have never played the guitar, have no fear! This situation can be applied to literally anything you do. If you think you aren’t as smart as someone else, you start comparing yourself to other people who are way ‘smarter’ leading to the same process. It all comes down to not being good enough.

What if you were good enough? What if there was no such thing as good enough?

What if you decided, instead of comparing yourself to other people, you would accept yourself as you are and go from there?

Let’s say that within your personality lies something that you can do incredibly well, and also even better than someone else.

Impossible!!!! You say…

Consider this:

jimi hendrixJimi Hendrix wasn’t born with a guitar in his hand, and I can guarantee you it wasn’t always easy. His first guitar was actually a one string ukulele which his father gave to him after he saw him running around with a broom pretending to play Elvis Presley songs.

It took him time to figure out what he wanted as he became interested in football in his teens. It wasn’t always easy for Jimi, but he stayed on his path certain that he would find his calling.

After the loss of his mother he was given his first acoustic guitar and Jimi was hooked. He fell in love with playing the guitar… when his “something that [you] can do incredibly well, and also maybe even better than someone else’ showed up. It became a pleasure to learn and play the guitar.

Do you think Jimi Hendrix really gave a #$$% what other people thought of him playing guitar? In his younger years, he was actually very insecure… but when he realized his passion, it didn’t matter so much anymore…

I guarantee you he would never have experience the success that he had if he continued to care so much about what people thought about him. He was focused on expressing his self and his love for HIMSELF. Other people just got to enjoy it as a side bonus.

It was his passion. He felt that he was good enough, and felt secure enough to pursue his love.

Wouldn’t you feel free doing that? If you realized that every person is a sum of all their parts. Each person has strengths and weaknesses. If you consider that some people literally don’t understand math, some are bad at math, some are good at math and some are incredible at math, you can consider that people are made in all shapes and sizes.

Consider that if you feel that you are not strong in one area, you can improve in that area, or work to improve in that area. You can also choose to look for the thing which you love. Every step you take on this path, you can reward yourself because you are moving towards what moves you. Even if you take the time to work on your weaknesses (which I highly suggest), and you are struggling you can still reward yourself for working on your weaknesses even if you have seen no tangible gains yet.

Eventually you will make progress and you can look back on yourself and realize how far you have come. It feels great!

Doesn’t this sound a lot better than comparing yourself to other people? Recognize that while other people may have their gifts, you have yours. There are people who write way better than me, but that doesn’t change how much I love to write!

There are people who are better than me in probably everything that I consider myself to be good at, but I’m not living for them I’m living for me. I know that I own what I have and I can appreciate that. I may or may not be the best at something, but I can follow the path that I love and see where it takes me.

When I start comparing myself to other people, I think… uh, that actually makes no sense. Take 100% responsibility for your life. If you don’t like something, go out and change it about yourself. And if you can’t, accept it and start focusing on what you control instead of what you don’t.

Aim to express instead of aiming to impress.

If you have any questions or parts of the article which you don’t understand please let us know so we can ensure to give you the answers. We love trying to provide value to you and we want to be a part of helping you be a happier, more fulfilled and successful person personally and socially.

– Karim

Categories
Mental Performance Social Relationships

How to Be Great Now & Not Later

tea steepingWhile sitting in the lobby of my favourite downtown Calgary Yoga Studio, I was waiting for my tea to steep as I flipped through a few magazines that were spread out on the bench beside me. I came across this interesting quote in one of the articles: “We often judge our insides which we know intimately, by other people’s outsides, because that is all we can see.” This was an excerpt from The Mindful Way Through Anxiety by Susan M. Orsillo, PhD and Lizabeth Roemer, PhD. I was instantly thrown into an ‘ah-ha’ moment. Someone finally said everything I was thinking!

We are our worst critics and often say the most negative and downright rude things on a subconscious and conscious level. Some of the things we wouldn’t even consider saying to other people yet we are comfortable tossing them around on our own sensitive psyche. We know the very core of our character, the most intimate and lovely attributes that we possess. Yet we disregard the attractive qualities and allow criticism to define who we are as an individual. We are full of love, warmth and compassion yet we call ourselves out like a criminal jerk as if we are a stranger to our own mind and body. We feed ourselves endless toxic self-hate and worse we actually talk ourselves into believing every word of it. This idea of “I want to be better” becomes the daily mantra when it should be “I am great.”

Now I understand if there’s some confusion…

Don’t we always want to improve? In fact doesn’t everyone preach “If you aren’t growing, you’re dying?” Of course, but we shouldn’t get stuck in this negative mindset that we always need to be something more that what we already are. When we do this we allow this idea that we are incomplete, and if we live each day with this idea of being imperfect we become unhappy, ungrateful, depressed, bitter, and out of touch with the present. We look to the future on what we want to be instead of focusing on what we can do in the present moment to improve ourselves to be happy and fulfilled.

It’s about understanding the areas you know you need to improve in your life without disregarding how truly amazing you already are. It’s a balancing act. You’re great right now! You can not be anything greater nor lesser at this present moment, right now is definitive and true. The future isn’t real as it hasn’t come to pass, and the past isn’t your truth anymore as it has already passed. You are who you are right now detached from past and future limitations. You can change your circumstances for the future by acting now, not by fantasizing about being someone you’re not with things you may wish to have or not to have. That is true pain. When we struggle in the present moment over things we can not have right now. Struggle is trying to be more than what you are. This idea of “I want to become better” means you aren’t already whole. You are already whole, perfect and beautiful in every possible way right now. This however doesn’t allow you to not make goals for yourself and to not push yourself and grow past your comfort zones.

judging yourselfIn Social Dynamics we talk about giving value to others freely, it’s important to realize that you are part of that equation too – the relationship with yourself. If you value feedback on your work then ask for feedback from others. Sure, people take value from us in certain circumstances but we are some of our worst offenders. We take away our own happiness and instead insert doubt and misery.

When walking down the street we might look at passerby’s or at billboards with envy. We want the things that others have – be it a physical attribute, a characteristic, or material possessions. We see the new iPhone, the lean physique, the jacket that they paid on credit or the car keys they have twirling around their fingers that we desire to have for ourself. We have no actual idea of who they are on an intimate level like we have of ourselves. So why do we put other people in the spotlight and ourselves in the mud? We build up other people and smack ourselves down in the process. Is this why we are so afraid of connecting with others? Why do we start to shake and go into cold sweats at the idea of walking up to a complete stranger (especially the ones we find desirable) to start a conversation?

Your own self-doubt and judgment is than mirrored and you instantly throw yourself into a panic over what they will think of you. Your inner-demon utters words into your ear only assuming what they are thinking of you to insert fear to hold you back and withdraw.

Who’s to Blame?

We can blame society, social media, the internet, video games, your parents for the impulse of being critical on ourselves but let’s take a minute and point the finger at the real offender: yourself. We create these illusions of other individuals based on the interpretation of their exterior and your own critical self-judgements. They haven’t said anything about you, but you let your mind wander with the assumption they will pick you apart like you do to yourself.

We are completely backwards. We have become so critical on ourselves and other people instead of realizing the simple beauty that we are equal in these positions, that we are all critical of ourselves and fearful of others perceptions and judgments. There’s so much relief in this understanding: I can walk by a stranger and know that they are as equally scared of me as I am of them, and they are fighting their own internal demons as well. With that knowledge – wouldn’t you feel more compelled to open up to someone and share your story? Your passions? Your interests? Are you more apt to tell them that you admire them and in return tell yourself you admire who you are as well? What we project on others is how we view ourselves.

Be kind to yourself and realize your internal battles are similar to those around you. Do not judge as you will be judged, either equally or even in a harsher manner. Meet each person with no expectations or assumptions of their character and hush the voices that say you aren’t good enough or that your less admirable qualities will be seen. Give value freely: to yourself and to everyone around you. If you can celebrate your own successes, you can celebrate in others. This simple, yet not easy, internal regimen will help you grow into a happier individual who has more value to give. If you are full of light and love, you will be able to give that to others. It all starts within. Be gracious, gentle, and understanding with yourself, and that will project into your exterior relationships thus improving your life, the relationship you have with yourself and the people around you.

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Categories
Mental Performance Social Dynamics

Unlock Your Inner Strength by Understanding Yourself

Aziz KapasiThis blog is dedicated to the latest Kingpin Social graduate, Aziz Kapasi. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to work with 1 – 2 people per weekend interested in learning the belief systems we have at Kingpin Social. Each weekend is a new opportunity for growth and experience, and I’m happy to say I learn just as much from each student as they learn from the course. This past weekend was an intense one, one where Aziz and I dug deep to uncover more truth and shed light on living life to your full potential.

“What a crazy weekend,” I exclaimed.

“Super crazy,” Aziz replied. It had been 3 days of meeting new people, developing progressive mindsets and pushing our comfort zones. Aziz and I were at a loss for thoughts and energy, as we walked west on 17th Avenue SW towards the Kingpin Social house. Downtown was buzzing with uplifted spirits. Sunshine has that effect on people. The streets move faster, moods lift higher and everything seems to move a bit faster.

“We dug pretty deep this weekend,” I stated. Up to this moment Aziz and I had been uncovering experiences in our past that caused present moment beliefs. The theory of Social Dynamics is perfect; all relationships are based off of an exchange of value. The flaw is not in the theory, the flaw is in the mind of the person applying the theory. There are people who are fearful of love, people who feel like they’re not good enough, people who feel like no matter what they do they’re bound to fail.

“The craziest part, is that every one of these people have the same blueprint,” Aziz stated as he pointed at the occupants of the Melrose Patio in the 17th avenue sunshine. “Each one of these people has had a sequence of experiences in their life that have caused their behaviour and lead them to this moment, at this time, at this place on 17th avenue.”

You Are A Result of What You Have Seen

For the last year and 6 months I’ve had an obsession with the way that my mind works. My obsession has turned into an internal journey of meditation, reflection and contemplation.

  • Why do I do the things that I do in the way that I do them?
  •  Why do I think about different things than you do?
  •  Why does my body look different than your body does?
  •  Why do my results look different from your results?
  •  What has caused us to evolve as a species and continue evolving?

My body is different than your body because we have different genetics. My parents passed down a DNA code, different and completely unique from yours. The nose I have is similar in shape and structure to the blood line passed down to me from my mother and father, my hair color is a result of genetic coding passed down to me, my body structure is similar in nature and structure to my relatives.

My mind is different than your mind because we had different upbringings. My parents raised me in a way different and completely unique from yours. My parents taught me a way of life. They passed down their beliefs and values to me directly and indirectly, as I learned by listening to their words and watching their actions. The environment I was born into shaped me into being the person I am today.

Learn

Human beings learn by listening, watching and imagining. A Chinese baby born into a traditional Chinese family is going to speak the language of those who raise him. He will have similar traditions, beliefs and values as those who raise him because he must communicate with his environment in order to acquire his wants and needs. Interaction and communication with his environment is essential. The child’s brain will wire itself together intelligently to understand how to acquire what he needs to survive and desires for personal pleasure.

If you take a Chinese baby at birth and give him to an American family, the child’s brain will wire itself intelligently to communicate with the American Family. The baby will learn to speak English, and it will inherit beliefs and values by listening to his elder’s words and watching their actions.

The environment that you are born into shapes the way that your brain thinks. In your developing years your brain is a sponge. Your brain absorbs the environment and wires itself to communicate with those around you. This includes the language that you speak, the behaviors that you have learned, and the level of belief that you have in yourself.

You could be Jaida Smith, lucky enough to be born a son of Will Smith, or you could be born into the poverty-stricken country of Ethiopia. The environment you are born into shapes the way that you behave, your belief systems, thus your level of “believed” potential. Everything you have been and everything that you are in this moment is a result of the experiences that have happened to you up to this moment in your life.

Take A Look Inside

I realized that my parents not only passed on their genetics, but their belief systems, and it affected me in THIS MOMENT by reflecting on the results I was getting. Being an entrepreneur is such a fantastic experience. I can tell where I hold myself back, and where I exceed my expectations. By reflecting on my results, which are only there when I apply effort, I’ve uncovered experiences that cause me to behave in the ways that I do. There are experiences that help my present moment experience and give me the motivation to move through obstacles, and there are experiences that cause me to behave in a reckless way towards myself and others around me.

This is an example of experiences that help my present moment beliefs: I was overweight in Junior High. I ate too much food, played too many video games and kept to myself. In Grade 8 my Auntie Sharon, who I lived with at the time, told me stories of my Uncle Darren. My Uncle began working out in his teen years and by the time he got to High School he was athletic. He took care of his body by going to the gym every day. In Grade 8 I decided I wanted to become just like my Uncle, and I started working out. I imagined myself as big as my Uncle when I went to the gym, and I would constantly compare myself to my Auntie’s memory of my Uncle Darren. It’s been 7 years and the love for athleticism burns stronger than ever.

This is an example of an experience that limit my present moment beliefs: I was the oldest of 4 brothers and sisters. I didn’t have a father figure around when I was younger. I got away with pretty much anything that I wanted as a child. I didn’t receive discipline when I stepped out of line, mostly because I was fairly good at hiding it. I catch myself with those same behaviors in this present moment. I’ll get out of things that I’m responsible for doing and I’ll always have an intelligent excuse for my slick move.

Each experience that you’ve had up to this point in your life, especially the experiences that you remember vividly, has a massive impact on your current perspective of the world.

The Power of Individual Experiences

There are those who choose not to reflect on the experiences that make them who they are. I don’t blame them. To recall an experience is to call back the emotion attached to that experience. Most people ignore the memories of the past because the pain and suffering attached to them. The memories that are the most vivid are the memories that must be analyzed and understood from another perspective so you can understand how it affects your present moment behavior. In order to understand yourself you must understand your experiences from a different perspective.

One of the concepts I talk about on the Kingpin Social Intensive Program is the Mind – Body connection.

Your body can only exist in this moment. The moment you breathe air through your nostrils, the moment your eyes scan the screen, the moment water passes down your throat. Your mind, though, is not attached to this moment like your body is. Your mind has an incredible ability to live in the past, thinking about experiences that have happened. Your mind also has the ability to live in the future, imagining experiences that haven’t happened yet.

Emotional Pain

Your body lives present, but your mind can wander to the past and to the future. This causes a potential mis-alignment in the Mind-Body connection. Thinking too much about things that have happened or thinking too much about things that are going to happen keeps us from looking around and appreciate what is happening.

Let’s say that you had a bad breakup last year, and you haven’t dealt with it yet. You harbour resentment for the person who broke your heart. You haven’t trusted anyone easily since the breakup, and because of this harboured resentment you hold yourself back from moving toward potential connections. Every person you try to develop a relationship with, if you do not deal with this experience, you will project the flaws of your previous relationship onto your current relationship and will cause a dis-connect; all because you haven’t dealt with the past experience yet.

Your Past Experiences Affect Your Present Moment

The latest Kingpin Social graduate, Aziz Kapasi, gets the credit for bringing to life the importance of this moment. Each experience that you create for yourself in this moment has the power to change the course of the rest of your life. You have been given the power of choice, and through choice you create experiences for yourself. Learn the lessons of your past so your mind doesn’t have to live in memory. Create a vision and write it down so your mind doesn’t have to live in the future.

Categories
Mental Performance Social Dynamics

Learning to Understand Yourself: Part 1

Each and every ‘Intensive Program’ that I have the opportunity to teach is a blessing. The reason is simple: I learn just as much from each student learn from the information the Kingpin Social Intensive Program delivers. This weekend was no different, and if anything, I took more away from this one than any other as the weekend elicited emotions I had repressed for many years. Digging into the history of the clients that I taught brought to the surface some of the things my own mind had hidden from my vision for a long time.

Learning to Understand Yourself is a story about the memories and emotions that are so often repressed, yet affect our everyday life. Each moment that you exist your unconscious beliefs trickle into your conscious experience. Enjoy the read, and look forward to Part 2 soon. If this piece speaks to you, help spread the word by sharing it with your friends, posting it on your Facebook or tweeting about it.

Food Court: February 16, 1999

2:38pm

The gray skies illuminate the busy food court. The vibe is clean, organized, efficient. White and silver chairs shimmer with the sky cast light surrounding the two men sitting in the center of focus. The dark skinned man dawns a beige and white plaid shirt. His black cap overrides his curly hair. His student sits across from him looking intently at a middle aged man on the level below.

“What are you thinking about?” Brian speaks up and asks his student. His students eyes remain locked on the man one level below. The fourth floor gives a perfect vantage point for the two men to take a step back from the world and put on their observation goggles.

“I wonder what he’s thinking,” Joe responds.

Step Back

Brian looks at the man on the third floor. His oversized winter jacket adds mediocrity to his look. The black briefcase that hangs off the man’s right shoulder doesn’t match the steel–toe work boots worn by his feet. He stands next to the railing that overlooks the levels below. The man’s wandering eyes lack focus.

“Joe. What’s the difference between being conscious and being un–conscious?” Brian quizzes. Joe takes a few silent moments to ponder the question. In slow motion Joe opens his mouth to respond. Each word leaks with a certain weight that adds concrete knowledge to his teacher’s question.

“Making decisions vs. not making decisions,” Joe states with certainty.

**********

Each bootcamp that I teach adds more depth to my insight. I’m so thankful for each student that I have the opportunity to impact. My name is Brian Mark. I study the art of Social Dynamics. I’ve dedicated my life to this practice because I believe that the things I believe in have the power to change the world.

I’ve always struggled to find my identity. Up to the age of 15 I didn’t have any habits that I could be proud of. I spent Junior High fantasizing about Runescape – an online game that allows you to gain experience points by playing your created character. Runescape ran my life. The more you played, the higher the level your character was able to achieve. Runescape, complex in design, made it difficult to level up. I never found the time to escape it. I always wanted to reach the next level in my gaming. And the level after that. And the level after that. Take a second to imagine how severely that affected my ability to socialize in the real world.

15 years old came with some changes. I was graduating Junior High and heading into High School. I had spent the summer of Grade 9–10 working out and getting in better shape. Overweight and unhappy, I refused to allow my genetics to run my life and was determined to fight the person that people said I was meant to be. I never played any sports when I was younger. I had a natural athleticism that I never took advantage of. 15 years of gaming left me with a low self-esteem. I was afraid to try new sports because I was afraid of failure.

This led me to develop a video game addiction like no other. I wasn’t in control of how much I played because I didn’t know what else to do. Gaming made me feel good, and why wouldn’t you want to feel good, right? I had a microphone that I could talk to people on. I had an online chat that I could participate in. My social life, my emotional life, my everything could be accessed on the computer in front of me. Real life relationships were not something that ever took priority in my life. I would ditch my friends to play Runescape. I would skip school to feed my addiction. I would do anything to be on my computer and away from the risks of the world. I was safe in my home.

It was comfortable.

**********

The Public Library: February 16, 1999

5:41pm

“Much of your sub-conscious mind’s development happens in the younger years of your life,” Brian states. “At the moment of birth your possibilities are unlimited. The family you are born into raised you in “x” way, which gives you “x” beliefs and values about the world which shape the way that you live the rest of your life,” he finishes.

Brian circles the room staring into nothingness. His brain organizes the next words that come out of his mouth as he feels his throat creating words that manifest images into his audience’s mind. Consciousness leaks into Brian’s life and causes an internal fire to burn.

“Every day your unconscious beliefs trickle into your conscious experience,” Brian states. “Your eyes see the world and bring into it images that automatically filter themselves through the conscious and sub-conscious parts of your mind. Your perception of these images determines how you react to them. Some of these things scare you. Some of them excite you. We’re here to talk about the things that limit you.” Brian feels his heart sink as his heart opens up. Immediately his mind races back to the day of his final High School football game, the City Championships.

The man had such a love for the game of Football. It was the one thing that took Brian away from his video games once and for all. Video games were such a major part of his life because there was a void. The void that was missing was emotion. Fear limited Brian from connecting with people and allowing them to be in his life for long periods of time. Brian’s childhood took away the love from him that he experienced. Hopping from elementary to elementary school wasn’t easy. Each time the young version of the lad would begin to love his friends he would have to move away from them. In the moment it seemed like a typical move from house to house. To the young man, though, his brain registered the belief that “if he falls in love with something, it will leave him.”

The Observer

This fear kept Brian from allowing long-term relationships to happen… and he wasn’t even aware of it.

“Football was the first long-term relationship that I had,” Brian speaks of the thoughts that ran through his mind in the library. Emotion wells up and ties knots into his stomach. The students listen with intensity as Brian’s voice begins to emphasize the words that mean so much to him. “I loved Football with all my heart. I was convinced that I was going to play it for the rest of my life at that point. That scared me though. For some reason it was hard for me to fully accept Football as my identity. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be on the field that I loved. Because I didn’t feel like I deserved it, I didn’t play my heart out.” The fear of the emotion: love, kept him from achieving his dreams.

“My heart sunk. I could stand to look at myself in the mirror when I lost that game. My self-esteem needed validation as people told me the story they believed to be true.” Brian recalls the things that the people used to say to him after the game. They used to tell him that “he played his heart out,”… that “at least he made it to the finals!” They didn’t understand.

“I’ve come to realize that I did the best job that I knew how to with the information that I knew at the time. I wanted to succeed. I really did. There was something inside of me that held me back from winning that game. I couldn’t figure it out,” Brian states. His mind didn’t see him winning the game. He never saw the solution to winning the game. In the 4th quarter he had already accepted the loss. “I had no idea that it had to do with the way that my sub-conscious brain perceived the things that were happening around me. I had already accepted the loss in the 4th quarter. I controlled the outcome of that game with my present-moment perception of the images that my mind took in.”

**********

The best part about bootcamp for me is that I learn just as much as my students. I live my life by the fundamental laws of Social Dynamics. I understand them enough to be able to teach them in unlimited different perspectives. Each student I teach is a new perspective that dawns on the theory I live by, which improves it to be even more diverse and applicable for everyone that takes the course.

Talk about a Win–Win.

This weekend focused on limiting beliefs. There were things inside of my students minds that held them back from achieving the level of success they wanted. Everything that you want is outside of your comfort zone otherwise you would have it. Fear is the six foot fence on the outside of your comfort zone. The way that you do something is the way that you do everything. Fear must be overcome before you can get the things that you want out of life.

I’ve always been afraid of loving people. When I was younger my mind never learned how to love fully and selflessly. As a child I chose to limit my love because I moved too much and each time I moved away from a place my young mind would stay attached to the people that were left behind. The people that I left continued to live their lives as if nothing had happened. I was left to sit in my basement with images of them, and these images would never leave my mind.

There came a time in my younger life that I refused to allow myself to love anymore.

This belief has never served me. The truth is that I was never aware of it. It was rooted so deeply at the core of my mind’s development that it never trickled into my conscious awareness. Sigmund Freud described the un-conscious as having “memories and events that have been repressed and under normal circumstances cannot be uncovered.” The truth is that the memories and experiences of our past – especially our younger years – shape the beliefs that we have about the world today. Every day our unconscious beliefs that we often aren’t even aware of are trickling into our conscious experience, and affecting our daily lives.

Some of those beliefs help us. Some of them limit us.

**********

Public Library: February 17, 1999

5:39pm

Tension fills the room as the conversation dives beyond the surface level and into the very core that shapes who we all are.

“Describe to me some of the events of your childhood,” Brian states as he looks his friend in the eye. Thomas fell silent as the unconscious memories he had repressed began to surface themselves. They flood his conscious mind like a tidal wave as he opens his mouth to share the story he had buried deep down for such a long time.

“My caregiver and I never had a good relationship. She had the ability to turn on me so fast. One second she would be loving and compassionate, the next she would scream at me in anger,” Thomas speaks up. Brian looks his student in the eye as his mind floods with memories of his own childhood. Similarities bond the student and teacher. Brian’s thoughts wander back to his childhood and the memories that had been repressed for years until he decided to do some digging. “I ended up separating myself from my mother. I no longer cared when she raged at me. I no longer cared when she loved me. It wasn’t worth the pain.” Thomas finishes.

Self Awareness

Waves of emotion pulse their way throughout the room. The aura of Thomas grew strong as his brain became increasingly aware of the things that had limited him for years.

“Your mother is the first woman that you see as you come into this world,” Brian circles the room as he switches his marker from hand to hand. Thomas, Joe and Mikey B pay attention to the speaker, without knowing the speakers mind isn’t even in the room. His brain reflects on the experiences that have made him into who he is today.

“If you don’t have a positive relationship with the first woman you see when you come into the world, how do you think your other relationships with women will be for the rest of your life?” Brian asks. He looks Thomas in the eyes. The rim of Thomas’ eyes were the color of deep ocean waters. The middle of his eyes flood with sky blue. The centre of his teal eyes engulfed with white clouds, surrounding his pupils flooded an oceanic tinge. Thomas stared into nothingness as he responds.

“I’ve never had a real girlfriend.”

Categories
Attracting Women Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

Why You Date “Crazy” People

Why you date crazy peoplePart of connecting with new people and creating long-term relationships is getting to know them on an internal level. Meaning we get the opportunity to see the true self or authentic personality of the person we are getting to know. With that comes the opportunity to gain insight into another’s self-esteem and the battles they face or what they haven’t been able to move past. When we embark into new relationships we share these hidden gems which than exposes them with complete vulnerability and open to ridicule. This vulnerability is what makes creating new relationships so scary. We allow someone close enough for them to see our flaws and to possibly pass judgement or leave disinterested.

“My ex was crazy…”

We’ve all heard this before. Whether you were the one saying it or your friend constantly complains about their constant issue with dating the same douche bag or crazy needy girl every time they get into a relationship. At some point we all need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Why do I attract these qualities of a person into my life? Why do I seem to date needy girls with no self-esteem? Why do I date selfish assholes who won’t give me their time?”

We are all flawed, even Gisele Bundchen has the crazy gene. You are delusional if you think you are the exception. It’s like the Dr Seuss quote, “We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love.” We are all weird, we all have our demons, and we tend to date people who have the same issues that we harbor. They may be crazy… but you’re just as insane.

Breaking The Crazy Cycle

First you need to take inventory of all the relationships you have had. What is the common denominator? Start off simple: Do you date people who are athletic? Smart? Artistic? What do all of your past relationships have in common? Personally the common denominator of my past relationships was two qualities: I dated highly ambitious guys who had no drive and they were also very insecure.

The most common problem in a lot of relationships is co-dependency. Someone who is co-dependent relies on their partner for their happiness, social life, hobbies, etc. They are insecure and crave your affections and attention. They are deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in what they are doing so they will usually latch onto their partners looking for support or even take on their partners life as their own. These people vanish into who they are dating and lose all sense of self. I have been in multiple co-dependent relationships: myself being the co-dependent partner and dating someone who was co-dependent on me.

be the type of person you want to meet

Whether you want to accept it or not… part of their problem lies within you as well. We attract both our most positive qualities and negative qualities. If you are charismatic you tend to attract others who are charismatic because that is a strong quality in you that you like, so you desire it in others. Have you ever noticed that if you wrote out a list of what you wanted in someone it’s generally all your best qualities you find in yourself? The same goes for the negative qualities. I attracted insecure men because I was also insecure. I didn’t realize I was attracted to men who were insecure I just naturally fell into those relationships without the awareness of doing so. I dated highly ambitious men who didn’t have integrity because I myself am very ambitious with no integrity to my projects or dreams. This is all connected to self-esteem and the only self-esteem you can really repair is your own.

So knowing this, how do we move forward?

Be The Best You

It starts with building the best relationship with YOU. If you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself than you will not be able to give fully to someone else. You will be filling the void within yourself through the person you are dating and inevitably drain them thus making them run away and resent you.

People who aren’t whole will cling onto their partners- the only source of their happiness. These people act like drug addicts because love and affection is truly addictive to an individual who is deeply unhappy. Everyone gets this lovely chemical called dopamine injected into their brain every time you embrace someone, sending you into a high of happiness and bliss. Once you take away the love and affection -dopamine – someone who is unhappy will react like most drug addicts: lash out and act insane in order to get back what they once had. Once someone has to face the unhappiness that lies deep down inside they realize how dependant they are on other people for their well being. This is a terrifying and long process.

A healthy relationship consists of two wholes not two halves, so you need to be whole before you can truly attract another person who is whole as well. Two healthy people can actively work together to build a strong relationship. Two healthy people have a strong foundation and thus can build a strong frame to house the relationship in. Without a strong foundation you will not have a house that will withstand the test of time. It’s exactly the same with relationships.

happy couple

You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself and work to be a better you. Make yourself whole first. To be whole you need to appreciate who you are and have a life that you love.

What are you passionate about? What brings you the most value? What are components of your life you enjoy? What are things that don’t bring value in your life and how can you actively take steps to eradicate them? You need to take active steps in your life to bring change, to grow, and it starts by having the awareness of where you need to grow and knowing the things that don’t serve you towards your higher purpose.

And lastly when you take recognition of the negative qualities of your past relationships that also make up who you are, how are you actively working towards to reversing it? In order for me to be more driven and follow through with my dreams, I have been working towards my integrity. I have been working towards this with the help of the Kingpin Crew who push me every day to accomplish my goals. When I accomplish something I naturally feel more successful and positive about what I am doing thus building up positive vibes making me into a happier individual. The happier I am the more whole I feel, the more whole I am, the more I can share that with someone else and build positive relationships that foster love and growth.

If you want to date someone who isn’t “crazy” then you need to start with yourself and be the person YOU would want to date, and naturally you will attract those who share the same positive qualities. Build a strong foundation with yourself; be the best you.

J

Categories
Mental Performance Social Dynamics Social Relationships

Here’s How to Take Control of Your Life… NOW.

TalkingAre you sick of things happening to you? It’s time for you to start making things happen.

You’ve probably got pretty good social skills. In fact you’ve probably never thought about it until now. You seem to live a life you don’t mind. You make good money at your job. Your friends are pretty cool. School is alright. You do live a good life, and up to this point you’ve learned everything all on your own. But I have a question…

How FAST are you growing?

Perspective is the most valuable asset we possess. My thoughts being typed onto a keyboard has the power to influence you to change your life. My thoughts being typed on a keyboard also has the power to influence you to look away from your computer screen and click another link.

The truth is that my thoughts have power. My thoughts more powerful with the perspective that they gain. If my thoughts have power that means that YOUR thoughts have power. You have the exact same power in your thoughts that I do mine. By having control over your thoughts, you have control over your life.

A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.

– Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve come to realize that my perspective is limited based on my personal experience. The way that my brain thinks is a result of the experiences I’ve had up to this point. Experiences caused me to remember certain things and feel certain ways about certain scenarios.

By becoming aware of the experiences that have happened to me up to this point, and being aware of WHY I feel the way that I feel I can CHOOSE my thoughts and feelings. The thing is that there were things that were blocked out from my perspective. I couldn’t see negative behaviours because I had lived with myself for so long. It was only when I allowed people who understood relationships to help me grow beyond my negative habits that I came into the power that I have.

If I did it, so can you.

I was always good with people. I didn’t have all the girls that I wanted when I was younger but I was always good with people. My perspective in the past year has grown so strong. I realize now that it’s not because of the things that I was thinking about that changed my life. People I surrounded myself with gave me THEIR perspective that changed the way that I thought, which changed my life.

My perspective is limited based on my life experience. Once I found people that had more experience than me, they made me aware of things I thought about that made me feel negative about myself, life, even my worthiness. Any moment that I spend feeling a negative emotion is a moment in time that I will NEVER get back.

Live is about learning to love everything.

You want perspective? Instead of my perspective how about this… ask yourself. Ask yourself what you think about in your daily life. Do you like your job? Do you have healthy family relationships all around? How about the friends that you have. Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you have all of the financial abundance, personal growth, business mindsets, hobbies you enjoy and options you love? … if not… why not? By learning how to gain control over the thoughts that you have you will take control over your life.

Random ThoughtsThe perspective that will help you grow will be perspective that has more experience than you. Experience is necessary for understanding. The constant variable in every area of life is relationships. Experience with relationships — with yourself, with others and with your environment — gives you control over the life you want to live. Perspective grows with experience, and experience grows with perspective.

Every day that we open our eyes we begin interacting with ourselves. Our thoughts begin to roll and the self – dialogue we create influences the events in our day. Negative thoughts? Negative day. Positive thoughts? Positive day. Full of hatred? Become more aware of things that piss you off. Full of love? Become more aware of things that make you feel good.

You are interacting with yourself every day you live. You are also interacting with other people every day that you live. The relationship that you have with yourself and the relationship that you have with other people has the power to give you anything and everything that you could ever have in life.

But wait…

The relationship with yourself and with other people also has the power to take away everything that you could ever want in life. The truth is this:

You Have Power.

You have the power to choose whether you live an extraordinary, fulfilling life or the opposite. A life of negativity is a life of your choosing. You must first understand why you think the way that you think. You cannot do it on your own though; otherwise it would have already been fixed.

Albert Einstien
“A man cannot solve a problem in the same state of mind he created it.”
Albert Einstein

I did it on my own for a long time. I grew by myself. I THOUGHT I was growing a lot more than I actually was. I inflated my self – virtue to cover up the fact that I was hurting on the inside. I spoke louder and more obnoxiously, I smoked more marijuana and I drank more liquor.

There came a day when I woke up and realized that I wasn’t happy with where I was at. It was comfortable, and it was fun… but inside I KNEW I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I invite you now to ask yourself the same question. Are you living up to your potential?

Money comes, money goes. Time is a price that can never be repaid. Time is a debt that only grows larger no matter how much you try to get it back. Don’t waste your time. My thoughts in this present moment have the power to change your life. Are you willing to accept my perspective?

Categories
Entrepreneurship

Is Your Mentality Helping You Always Win?

“Put some heart in it!” My coach yelled at me from the sidelines. I didn’t know what he was talking about. It’s 21 – 44 for the Colts, the Broncos are down by 23 points. I played the left side corner, and was partially responsible for the last touchdown. I watched as the running back turned around the corner that I was supposed to contain. That didn’t feel good.

I left my Grade 10 season with the Broncos with a vengeance. I know we deserved better, I was determined to walk into my next season a better player. I was missing the “heart” element of the game. Playing sports wasn’t something that came easy to me. I picked up my first sport at 15 years old; football.

My competitive nature has always been there. I was the oldest of 5 brothers and sisters, and was raised without a consistent male role model. I always saw myself as the man of the house. I competed against my younger siblings for household dominance at all of the games we played. My independent nature fueled me to be the best, because when I was the best I felt… free.

What is Heart?

I believe that humanity naturally falls into two separate categories. Competitive and cooperative. I believe that a person’s core values are derived from their childhood experiences. A person with a cooperative nature is likely to have grown up in an environment where cooperation and love was the driving force of the environment. A person with a competitive nature is likely to have grown up in an environment where freedom was the motivation.

My belief is that cooperation and competition are equally as important. I believe the only competition that should happen is competition with the self. Cooperation is a universal trait that should happen with everyone at all times, no exceptions.

The Competitive Nature

I believe we are all competitive in nature. There are two separate categories of competitive people. There are the people who compete with themselves, and there are the people who compete with the environment.

“I’m better than you are…”

Competition with the environment in the short term seems like the best option. This mentality drives our capitalist society. Every man for himself, may the best man survive. There’s one thing that competition with the environment forgets; compassion for the fellow man. I believe human nature to have both cooperation and competition in their hearts. Competition with the environment forgets one element of human nature that makes us who we are.

Compassion.

The Heart of Gold

Why do “nice guys finish last”? A cooperative nature without a competitive nature seems like the best one to have. Cooperation with  the fellow man means the world turns into a better place, instead of this “every man for himself” mentality.

Cooperation with the fellow man at all times has one flaw, though. There are those who are competitive in nature that can sense an individual cooperative in nature. The ones who consistently look to cooperate get taken advantage of. Their ability to look at people and only see the good in them leaves them ignorant to the competitive side of our human nature.

Nice guys finish last because they forget that there are competitors who naturally take advantage of cooperation.

Life is Balance

Competition and cooperation are equally as important.

I believe we have a naturally tendency to be either more compassionate, or more competitive. I’ll use myself as an example; I’m extremely competitive. In every scenario I find myself, my brain is figuring out a way for me to end up on top. My competitive nature is extremely good for a lot of areas of my life. When it comes to business I do extremely well, achieving my goals isn’t an issue, meeting anyone that I want to comes with ease.

Human nature is about balance. My competitive nature serves me well in many areas of life, but my lack of cooperation hurts me as much as my competitive nature serves me. My competitive nature finds itself leaking into my friendships where I try to outdo my friends, laughing in triumph as my ego walks and talks through the room. My competitive nature leaks into my relationships, where I won’t allow myself to get hurt and I always find a way to leave first.

This weekend I saw the perfect balance of compassion and competition in my two best friends. This article is inspired by the balance they’ve achieved, which is inspiring me to achieve my own. Mikey B is an individual who has a heart of gold, but he lacked the competitive nature in himself to set boundaries that people would not cross. The balance that he’s striving to achieve allows his heart of gold to shine through with confidence, because he knows that he can bring out the best in people without them walking all over him.

Daniel Fexa is a man who looks to be better than he was yesterday every day. The competitive nature  he keeps with himself keeps from consistently looking to out – do the environment, and allows him to prosper in the skill sets he develops. Daniel Fexa recorded his first Youtube video yesterday; be watching for it.

Social Dynamics says that you are a result of your environment. I cannot express how thankful I am for the environment I have right now. The Kingpin Social crew always pushes me to become better than I was yesterday, every day, in every present moment.

Competition is important. Especially in the world that we’ve been raised in today, it seems everyone’s trying to outdo their fellow man. Competition alone ultimately sets you up for failure; for two reasons. Competition forgets about the second element of human nature that makes us who we are, cooperation, and competition only allows you to be better than the next man.

You can only be the best if you’re only looking to outdo your fellow man. You will never be your best. I believe that in this life the only person you should ever be competing with is yourself, and you should be compassionate to everyone else that walks this earth. I believe that you need to have an element of life where you compete with yourself, developing any skill set with the intent of being better than you were yesterday.

I believe if this competition with the self isn’t satisfied, our competitive nature will leak into our environment and we will neglect to show compassion. Are you better than you were yesterday?

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance

How To Shift From A (-) Mindset To A (+) Mindset

Universe“Complaining continues to create the vibration of what you don’t want. Today, take your focus off of what is wrong and focus on what is right and how you desire things to be. Put all your love, energy, mental power and decision making towards what you want and do not entertain thoughts that are to the contrary. You are MORE responsible for the way you feel than your environment, circumstances or relationships. Step towards Love today, step towards the solution.” – Jackson Kiddard

You know those mornings where you wake up and everything seems to be insanely frustrating? The mornings where you wake up 20 minutes late, you can’t find your keys, you burn your cinnamon raisin bagel, and forget to put the lid on the blender for your morning shake. Your morning is a mess from the very moment you pressed the snooze button multiple times. You then get behind the wheel to drive 45 minutes in traffic to get to work. These compiled emotions can stack like bricks into a wall of pending doom. All of a sudden it seems like you are a giant magnet for the worst drivers, you hit every red light, and yup- zero parking stalls are available. You really thought that was going to be possible? Dream-on.

What you think; You will become.

The basic fundamentals of the law of attraction are: what we put out is what we receive. We all vibrate at different kinds of frequencies, let’s stick to just positive and negative, and that energy is than radiating out from your very core out into the universe. I like to visualize it like radio waves. Whichever vibration you are putting out into the world is that which you attract. The more you vibrate at that frequency the more it attracts the same. You can see how this can be a problem, but this isn’t all bad news because it can also be an incredible way to attract success and happiness. Those who focus on negativity and vibrate at a negative frequency, tend to attract everything they don’t (yet do) want. Negative people tend to focus on the result they don’t want but in doing so results in them getting what they do want by attracting what they don’t want… in order to be right. You following? This is called manifestation. If you don’t want to stub your toe but yet are convinced that you will in-fact stub your toe no matter how badly you don’t want to- you will. It’s a simple equation. You end up stubbing your toe because you wanted to stub your toe to show that you were right about how much your life sucks. It’s a way for you to boost your ego, to allow excuses and breed negativity to allow you to settle. Bring on the self-loathing and bouts of pity-parties. I have been there many times, in fact, I was there for a few days this past week.

The law of attraction and manifestation isn’t something I’ve recently learned but definitely something that has been a challenge to remind myself not to allow negativity to breed into my life as it tends to result in an overload of stress, sadness, apathy, and worst of all- procrastination.

In the past few weeks I managed to burn myself out by pushing myself too hard with all of my obligations. With the drop in my iron levels combined with my incredible ability to spread myself thin until breaking point- I have been a walking vibration of stress and exhaustion. Being so financially focused that my view of “half full” has turned into “half empty.” It’s sad, but true. I would be driving my truck and glance at my gas gage, it could be 3/4 full and I nervously tap my fingers against the steering wheel thinking about how much time I have ’till it’s empty again. I send myself into a nervous break-down worrying about everything. This obsession with lacking resulted into stress, feeling anxious, and procrastinate like a crazy lady, thus creating even more stress! After that comes what I call, Sabotage Mode.

Law of attraction

Be careful what you wish for

After realizing that I was fixating on my gas gage and felt like I was somehow mentally draining my tank by focusing on it so much, I ended up realizing that focusing on the inevitable wouldn’t allow me to focus on being more solution orientated. The stress took away from me working harder on doing the things I needed to get done. I looked in all the places I could to have proof that I was lacking and therefore I found it- cause that’s what I was so focused on. This reminded me how I use to be when I was working in retail. I would say things like “This person doesn’t like me” and every day I would search for reasons to validate my assumptions. Any facial expressions, gestures, and conversations I would dissect for meaning to prove that what I was thinking was correct. But in doing so I wasn’t being fair to the person or allowing myself to create a better foundation in developing a relationship with them. Recently I have been doing this with team members in order to sabotage myself from growing and to keep myself comfortable. I was looking for any proof that I wasn’t welcome or that they genuinely didn’t want me there, in order to say “I don’t think I should do this anymore…” because of how terrified I was in getting what I really want. I would tell myself every excuse I could possibly think of and I would look for every reason and proof to validate my ego and prove myself right.

If you look for it, you will always find it.

Shifting from a (-) to a (+)

After having an in-depth conversation with Mikey B, I was able to allow myself to drop my walls and face my ego for what it really was. I knew I was looking for a way to back out and I knew that if I looked for reasons why I should, I would find it. Negativity is like a snow-ball effect, it all starts with one little ball of snow and it grows larger and larger as it picks up speed and rolls down the hill- later crashing and destroying everything in its path. For me it started with the feeling of lacking and the stress of my financial state, at that moment I was vibrating at a ‘lacking’ or negativity frequency, I then started to attract even more negativity into my life thus creating a giant snow ball that took out everything I had built for myself.  (Insert an emotional break-down here.)

How do you get out of the negative frequency? Its actually very simple- but not always easy. You need to wake up everyday with the intention that everything is going to be awesome and declare for yourself that you won’t tolerate the negativity virus that has been spreading in your life. Also you need to create a process that will help you demolish the things that are keeping you at a negative frequency. You can’t expect change without any action! 😉

Here is my process for Shifting from a Negative State to Positive State:

  1. Declare
  2. Affirmations
  3. Write it down
  4. Take Action
  5. Get Creative
1. Declare- This may seem really goofy, but it works. You declare out loud that you won’t tolerate any more negativity from yourself and from any external factors. Here’s an example: “Ok Universe, I understand I’ve been a giant ball of negativity but it ends here and now. I will no longer accept from myself or from any external factors this negative vibration as it isn’t serving me any purpose, in fact its destroying everything I have worked hard towards. So this is it, I’m going to put out as much love and positivity imaginable. I will only allow things that foster a positive mindset and outcome.” 

Get Creative!

2. Affirmations- This is another declaration but in short form and you can use it through-out the day. For instance this morning I used: “This is going to be an awesome day!”I kept repeating it until it really resonated with in me.3. Write it down– Write down everything that is stressing you out or isn’t serving you. I call it a “mind dump” – I literally write everything down that is stressing me out and need to tackle to feel clear headed. If your job is stressing you out, then write it down and say why so you understand the actions you may need to take later on to fix your situation, etc.

4. Take Action– You know that list you just wrote out? One by one attack each thing and cross it off when its completed. Its like a giant blackboard and that blackboard is your mind. Everything on your mind, or blackboard, is taking up too much space to allow positive vibrations to come in or new experiences and tasks. This results in that feeling of being stuck. By taking one step at a time you will slowly erase parts of the blackboard allowing you to feel less stressed and to allow room for more positivity to breed. All that crowded space isn’t serving you- it’s taking away from you. So get’er done!

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” – Mikey B

5. Get Creative– Find a creative way that works for you to keep you accountable to your ‘Take Action List.’ I’m creative and need visual stimulation to help me get motivated so I created a board with my To DO list. It’s split in to categories, and every thing has a break-down of actions I need to complete. Once I complete a task, I get a sticker!  This isn’t for everyone so make sure you pick a way that works best for you. If you work better with excel sheets then do an excel sheet, and if you work better with reminders on  your phone then make sure you set reminders and alarms for each task. To work optimally is to understand what you need in order to be efficient and feel motivated.
J

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

Why Men Should Cry: How Being Emotional Leads To A Better Connection.

Boys CryAfter enjoying an incredible yoga class at my favourite studio, Yoga Santosha, I had the pleasure of sitting down with two amazing ladies who are on the road to self-love and enlightenment. Before I get started talking about embracing the feeling of being vulnerable, I would like to state that I am aware of the audience that I am speaking to. Predominantly Kingpin Social has a lot of single men who have either been in the pick-up, interested in its theories and tactics, or is still a part of the community. This topic is universal, it does not separate men from women, or prejudice in any sense. However, I am talking about accepting emotions- raw, real, and earth shattering emotions that leave us feeling debilitated, scared, and humble. This to many men (even women) is something foreign or maybe even disinteresting. Like c’mon, who wants to feel? Pssh, pansies.  Who wants to talk about their emotions? Most women do, and some men even do as well.

Macho Men versus Emotional Women.

We’ve all heard this idea that men and women are separate in the way we think – men tend to be more logical and women more emotional. This concept shouldn’t be a way for us to separate ourselves because it allows us to lose the idea that we aren’t unified, whole, and one- no one being greater than the other. We are all great, and have the abilities to tap into both logical and emotional state of minds. The difference in our sexual organs and level of hormones shouldn’t allow us to create this division. This disconnection tends to lead to these excuses of why we have difficulties communicating to the opposite sex. “I can’t talk to you, you’re too emotional” or “I can’t talk to you, you’re too logical.” As a world nation we can’t allow ourselves to fall victim to this notion of difference but instead focus on how we connect and are one.

Think about this. We possess the same qualities that we see in others if we choose so- it’s all a choice. If you want to be more athletic you can go out and start running or pick-up a gym membership to work out 5 times a week. If you want to be funny you can study stand-up comedy and surround yourself with funny people. If you want to be more open-minded you can surround yourself with new perspectives or educate yourself in new theories and ideologies to help broaden your mind.

Crying Society has divided us in to two opposing sexes with this general idea that boys shouldn’t cry, and girls are allowed to cry because of their emotional nature. Masculinity versus Femininity. This emotional suffrage that men are exposed to at a young age, in order to have this “masculine” status, has debilitated so many men in finding their inner harmony and connecting with women on a more emotional level. If men allowed themselves to better understand the liberation of emotion, maybe then they would be able to communicate more effectively with women. If women then took the time to assess their emotional state in a logical manner, maybe than they could effectively communicate with men. By tapping in to a place we generally lack in, we allow ourselves the opportunity to grow and evolve. What better way to learn how to communicate with someone by experimenting with learning how they process things.

A lot of men, and yes even women, have no sense of self. They have never allowed themselves to just feel the things they feel. This inner reflection of just feeling and allowing it is a huge move in the right direction to building better connections not just with other people but with the most important relationship of all- with yourself.

In that moment of emotion, whether it be sadness, frustration, or anger- why do we always resort to holding it in? Stifling it? Why do we tell people “Awe, please stop crying?” Why!? Why do we need to bottle up our emotions as if we are saving them up for another day? Why don’t we allow ourselves to embrace the emotions, let them out, and then assess them in order to grow? This time of inner-reflection and release will only aid in creating better and long-lasting relationships. We all have our own crap to work on. If we don’t work on them we can end up projecting them on our partners and sabotaging the relationship. We have all had a hard battle and we all have the scars to prove it. Feelings are like feedback loops about where you are at. If you feel vulnerable and afraid then you know you are probably stuck in a comfort zone and need to push through in order to grow. If you feel sad or don’t like the person you are then you know you need to take the time to delve deeper to find the things you love. You need to assess your greatest qualities and actively do things that make you feel better. If you never learn about yourself, how can you have an authentic relationship with others? If you don’t love yourself, then how can you genuinely love someone else? You would just fill a void that only you can fill, and until you fill it, you will always feel a sense of emptiness and unhappiness.

Tally ho! Moving Forward

To move forward in your growth by learning how to effectively communicate with the opposite sex, we need to take the time to try on the other shoe. Both men and women need to embrace emotion, and need that logical aspect in order to create actions or to better understand why they feel the way they feel. That sense of awareness will help you move forward and not be trapped in that sense of doom that can come along with unhappiness. You can therefore create actions within your new found wisdom of self to help grow past your self set limitations.

This ability to dig within ourselves and find the courage to share our emotions through our individual stories opens us up to the ability to connect with others on a much deeper level. I believe this, living more vulnerable, is the avenue that we must take to make a better tomorrow and to understand one another on a larger scale. If we can understand one another on a deep level, then we can communicate much more effectively.

Here’s a great video on “Living Vulnerable.” The woman who is speaking on TED.com is a research analyst- very logical, and she shares her findings on how we can build better relationships through this idea of living vulnerably. Tell me what you think! Comment below and don’t forget to subscribe and like the fan page.

In light and love,

J