Categories
Networking

3 Important Qualities of a Great Mentor (Do You Have These?)

lightbulbMy eyes were dragging like dull daggers along the wall as I pulled myself from the comfort of my bed to begin my morning routine.

Within thirty minutes I had eaten my high protein breakfast, slammed a cup of coffee, showered and sharpened my image for the day.

I loaded up Chrome and started watching videos on my favorite YouTube channel “BigThink.” Robert Kaplan of Harvard was speaking about coaching, mentoring, and how the senior business executives’ weakness is that they coach others; yet do not have a coach of their own.

He suggested that every person should have a coach big or small.

I thought to myself that everyone should have a mentor in the same way. If I look back at my own personal growth, the times my growth has accelerated the most, were when I had some type of mentor.

However, not every mentor is the same. Some mentors had a minimal impact on me and some could be considered the Michael Angelo of my life, shaping me into the Statue of David I am today (just a little less naked).

You NEED to be able to tell GREAT MENTORS from poor ones. Here are three of the BEST qualities I have observed in my great mentors:

A Great Mentor Thinks Differently Than You

I am not made like any of those I have seen. I venture to believe that I am not made like any of those who are in existence. If I am not better, at least I am different. -Jean-Jacques Rousseau

The world is huge with over 7 billion people on the planet, most of who have no idea you even exist other than your abstract contribution to your countries population.

Every single person on the planet is unique, but there are objective observations used to categorize people.

For instance there are four different types of communicators (kinesthetic, auditory, visual, and digital) and three types of thought processes (physical, emotional, and mental). Everyone is strongest in one type of communication (I’m dominant in kinesthetic) and dominant in one sequential thought process (naturally I am emotional than physical than mental). Everyone varies how he or she distributes his or her strengths, and no one is 100% one type or sequence.

What kind of communicator are you? What is your sequential thought process?

There is never a “right” way to do something only an arguably appropriate means to a task. Everyone has a different way of approaching problems or communicating them.

The trick to discovering a great mentor is finding one that fits you; someone who has a different thought process but has similar values. The different thought process allows you to contrast your own decision-making or problem-solving ability, while the common ground of values acts as a bridge to connect their perspective to yours.

In simple terms, when you talk to your mentor you should feel that they “get it.”

This will allow you to feel comfortable talking to them and understand their perspective even when you disagree with what they are saying.

A great mentor thinks differently than you so you may leverage their experiences and strengths to improve the things you could not do on your own, independently.

A Great Mentor Never Gives You The Answer

Live to learn and you will really learn to live.
– John C. Maxwell

Two years ago I found myself on a spiritual mission. I was looking for reasons to justify my beliefs in spirituality and in metaphysics, and mainly focused on Eastern Philosophies of oneness and enlightenment. Statements like “we are all connected” or “everything happens for a reason” or “happiness exists only in the present moment” all made so much sense.

I tried repeatedly to fit the literal meaning of these spiritual principles into my life. They were all close but none seemed to fit into my life without disturbing the balance of everything else. It was like trying to put on a pair of shoes you want to buy that doesn’t quite fit, and then trying to run in them.

Consulting my mentors at the time, I came with a bucket load of questions. Over and over I tried to pull the answers out of them but never received a straight answer. I felt like they were avoiding the questions.

Finally after much internal debate I understood the lesson I needed to learn: It was me that had to decide what beliefs serve me and what beliefs don’t – nobody else can decide for me. There is a point when your parents stop helping you find a pair of shoes that fit. You reach a point of maturity that allows you to find and buy your own shoes, independent of your parents. If you buy a pair that hurts, you learn and next time you fit them properly.

If my mentors had just told me the answers, they would be giving me their subjective opinion and I would never develop an opinion of my own. Developing my own opinion has contributed immensely to my confidence.

I truly feel I have a wealth of wisdom and knowledge to offer other people. The things I am strongest in aren’t the morals I’ve been told, but rather the lessons I have learned through my own experiences.

A great mentor never gives you the answer because you get so much more confidence and knowledge by learning it for yourself, BUT, a mentor is invaluable in guiding you towards that answer. A great mentor will cut years off your learning curve.

A Great Mentor Should Challenge Your Beliefs

What we believe is heavily influenced by what we think others believe.
– Thomas Gilovich

A confrontation between two people signifies two separate belief systems not meshing appropriately. Each person feels they have the right perspective and wishes to argue their validity through either a verbal or physical means.

The problem with most people is that they are afraid of being wrong or have an irrational fear of physical confrontation. The real reason is they cannot accept the idea that someone else may have a better perspective or a better understanding then they themselves. People therefore behave in a way that usually avoids conflict and confrontation not because of effectiveness with others but the FEAR of another’s opinion.

Always remember: Champions embrace conflict.

My great mentors have never shied away from challenging my opinion or beliefs. They don’t let me get away with inconsistencies in my arguments or incongruence in my behavior. It takes a more experienced person who is solid in their belief system to not back down when there is a discrepancy between your argument and theirs.

Your beliefs are always in an ever-changing state. You never stop growing as a person just the same as you never stop employing and releasing beliefs. If your mentor does not challenge your beliefs than you will never be able to employee new ones that may serve you better than your current.

Because of the high degree of vulnerability around beliefs your mentor has to have the BALLS to look you in the eyes and ask you WHY you believe what you believe. The only way you can argue your beliefs is by thinking for yourself. People who cannot articulate the reasoning behind their beliefs tend to be more prone to insecurities and ineffectiveness with other people in their life.

By challenging your beliefs your mentor forces you to develop means to communicate what you believe and why. A great mentor will always question your beliefs because like a muscle, your confidence, communication, and effectiveness with others can be exercised and improved.

Conclusion

Your mentor will always be someone who you can connect with. They “get it.”

Great mentors understand how their belief system grew from the lessons they learned from the things they experienced. By NOT giving you the answer, they offer you the same opportunity. The lessons you learn from those experiences should be challenged objectively, to display how appropriate your beliefs are.

That’s why mentors that “get it” AND think differently are such a powerful influence in your life.

  • Look for someone that you connect with that has achieved a higher level of success in an important area of your life.
  • Look for someone who “get’s it,” understands your values, and can relate.
  • Look for someone that is not scared to ask the big questions that need discussing; someone with balls.
  • Look for someone who has or is being successfully mentored. This means that they will know the value of mentorship.

True education does not consist merely in the acquiring of a few facts of science, history literature, or art, but in the development of character. – David O. McKay

Where do you go from here?

Do you currently have a mentor? If you do, what are the biggest things you’ve learned from them so far? Tell me in the comment section below!

If you don’t, consider applying to our mentorship program. Mentors cut YEARS off your learning curve, help you expand your perspective and take away the frustration of having to learn on your own.

Having a mentor is a NO-BRAINER. The best way to get someone to mentor you is to ask. Although applications to our program are closing soon, if you’re really serious about taking your life to the next level, let us know!

social skills coaching

Categories
Lifestyle Relationships Social Dynamics

How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Doing A Bootcamp

How To Tell Your Girlfriend You Are Doing A Bootcamp

So you already met a great girl, but you want to learn how to communicate more effectively to help strengthen your networking skills and expand your social circle. Or maybe you want to learn how to bring more value to the relationships you already have in your life: ie: have a super stellar relationship with your girlfriend, your mom, or your boss. You are in the right place! Learning Social Dynamics will help you learn the necessary tools to help make your relationships stronger and teach you to not only maintain those relationships but to also forge new ties to help you grow in all facets of your life.

There’s only one thing: you’re not sure how she will react when you tell her that you will be doing a Bootcamp all weekend where you go out and socialize with strangers (or friends you haven’t met yet) all over the city. Don’t fret! I’m here to break it down for you so you can effectively communicate it to your girl so she feels comfortable and excited for you during this process.

The 3 Key Ingredients

Be Authentic: Girls are insanely intuitive. We can pretty much mind-read, we are magical creatures who have the gift to see right through bullshit, so be authentic with your conversation. If you are real with her and let her know why you are doing the Bootcamp she will most likely be encouraging; if you are coming from a place of growth and networking. Of course your girlfriend won’t be psyched if you say, “I want to learn how to talk to girls.”

Insecurity

Education:Tell her what Social Dynamics is and give her the low-down on what your weekend will look like. It’s not one program for all, it’s specifically designed around you. So if you are a guy in a relationship who wants to network more than the program will be specifically designed for that purpose. Explain to her the benefits of learning how to properly build long-lasting relationships and the value it will bring to the relationship you already have. Ultimately, educate her on Social Dynamics so that she can better understand what it is and why you want to participate in a program.

You can also encourage her to read my article “Social Dynamics: No Girls Allowed!” so she can get the low-down from a female perspective. This will also give her the opportunity to get involved with Social Dynamics, thus encouraging her to build a better relationship with herself, you and every one else in her life. We are a product of our environment and if your girlfriend is practicing Social Dynamics this is one more person (one who is obviously involved in your daily life) who will keep you accountable to your goals and encourage you to step out of your comfort zone.

Open Communication: The Kingpin Social Crew is super open and considerate with your questions and concerns and that also goes for your spouse or girlfriends concerns. So let her know that she can sit down with any one of us to address those questions or to learn more about Kingpin Social and the people behind it. It’s a great opportunity for her to feel it out and ask questions in person (or Skype if you don’t live here locally). As I said, women are intuitive and are guided by emotion. If she meets with the Team and leaves feeling good than she is more likely to give that support you need and it also may change her life in a positive way as well. It’s a win-win situation!

Insecurity vs. Bad Communication

There are only two outcomes to this conversation; either she supports you or she doesn’t. It’s easy enough to blame her for not being supportive or confused as to why you want to do a program when you haven’t effectively communicated what it is you are doing. So make sure that when you go in the conversation you have fully understood that you are half responsible for the outcome. You will need to fully be prepared that you may be the reason that she isn’t getting it and that it’s not her. If she doesn’t get it; don’t get angry or defensive. You need to ask specific questions to find where the holes are in order to understand what may have been miscommunicated or not fully understood.

However, there is the possibility that your partner won’t support you due to a low sense of self-esteem or insecurities. If you have been dating long enough you would already have a sense of whether or not she is fully secure with herself and if she gets threatened easily. If you are not sure here are a few ‘symptoms’ of low-self esteem:

  • Doesn’t accept compliments well
  • Walks with her head down
  • Apologizes and feels guilty often
  • Gets frustrated, impatient, and angry often
  • Uses negative or hopeless language
  • Takes things very personally
  • Jealousy

How To Tell Your Girlfriend You Are Doing A Bootcamp

Unfortunately when it comes to low-self esteem there isn’t much you can do to help her. This is something she needs to work on herself and it’s up to you whether or not you want to be there to help her through it. You can’t be the crutch but you can be there to encourage her to do more things on her own to help build her sense of power, passion, and self. Girls who are very insecure will often spend a lot of time with their partners to avoid their own life since they are unhappy with it. Once you start living your own life and start to change in a positive way, this can either be very threatening and hard for a girl who is insecure as she depends on you and your life or it can be very encouraging for her to do the same. It all depends on the girl and whether or not she wants to change or grow.

Remember that you are the product of your environment. Act accordingly and remember that no one is worth sacrificing your happiness and growth for. It’s your life and you deserve to live it passionately and to go after the things you want in life regardless of your marital status. After all relationships are about sharing experiences, it’s not about having ONE life and doing everything together. It’s about having your own lives, passions, and coming together to share it with one another. Love does not take away, it is not possessive or fearful, it only encourages, sets you free and full of love.

Lastly, give her the benefit of the doubt. You won’t know the outcome of the conversation until you have had it. So don’t make any assumptions or create a story behind what you think her reaction will be. Don’t procrastinate it or keep it from her; that’s just shady and will make her feel uncomfortable since you were hiding it from her. Have all the information you need so you can properly educate her on Social Dynamics and about your super stellar weekend that will change your life in a positive way. Follow these steps and you will do great! 🙂

In light and love,

Categories
Health Social Dynamics

The Effect of Relationships on Your Energy Levels

make someone smileIt was 8:04pm on Tuesday, March 26. My work day was a bit busier than usual. As an entrepreneur-in-training, the end of the month always seems to catch up with me. My fingers scanned my keyboard in a way that inspired a rhythmic chatter. A sound came from the doorway to my left. I looked over my shoulder to see a familiar face walk through the office doors. His aura radiated positivity as he greeted my co-workers with a smile.

“Chris! How’s it going man?” I asked.

“Best day of my life, Brian,” Chris answered, as he walked towards me with open arms and a genuine smile.

My long day behind me, I was thankful for Chris being here. My mentor’s name is Cam, and Chris is his mentor, so this was an interesting opportunity for me to hang out with someone who has impacted Cam so much. His presence brought a good feeling to a stressful day. The 6’4 man sat down next to me and my trusty laptop. I went from writing to socializing as the stories of his day warmed my ears. Instantly my thoughts melted away and I felt myself immersed in the present moment.

The Power of Relationships

I believe in eating healthy, going to the gym and living an active lifestyle. It makes sense to live like this, because you have more energy to get things done. Even with all of those factors in play I’ve found that one of the biggest things that takes away your energy is negative emotion. Stress consumes us in today’s capitalist society. Depression, obesity and the 6 o’clock news add to the filing cabinet of bad things to think about.

Woman Yelling at Man

The number one consumption of our energy levels is negative emotion. In order to maximize the amount of energy you have you must eat your greens, work out 20 minutes a day and have a life full of healthy relationships.

Relationships are based off of an exchange of value. Value is relative to the emotion that you feel about your relationship. Relationships that give you value are healthy relationships; they make you feel good. Relationships that take value away from you are un-healthy; they make you feel a negative emotion.

Relationships = Life

 

Relationship = Exchange of Value

 

 (+) (- ) Value =(+) (-) Emotion

There are different types of value that you can give, internal and external. I’m going to talk about some internal value that my friend Chris gave me on March 26th that lead to a 3 hour conversation and a week of inspiration. Before you I tell you the solution, let me elaborate a bit on the problem.

Life Is Full of Problems

Life isn’t easy for anybody. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich and famous, working a 9-5 job, living paycheque to paycheque, a middle class entrepreneur, or living without a home in a 3rd world country. Life is hard for each individual in the world. Having the feeling of the world crashing around you is a common mental pattern for anyone alive today. Taking on life’s challenges alone is always difficult, and a full plate in itself.

My mind has always wandered to the answers to life’s big questions. What is my purpose? Why are we here? Is there something greater than us? Being an entrepreneur is the biggest blessing and biggest curse. On one hand I have all the time in the world to do what I want and love. On the other hand there are times when I’m not motivated or inspired to do what I want and I have more time to be lazy and procrastinate.

How Emotion Effects Energy Levels

I started to notice this phenomenon every second week after my company’s get-together “Ideas Developing Ideas”. Every second Sunday we invite 40-50 people to the house to talk about and develop ideas. We talk about passions, dreams, inspiration, goals, ideas, the stories and lessons we’ve learned throughout the week. It’s a judgement-free zone that people come together to figure out how we can help each other grow. Ideas Developing Ideas is a night focused on enhancing the effect of Win-Win relationships.

ClarityI noticed my energy levels on Monday morning after IDI were always high. My body would get out of bed without my mind’s assistance, I’d find myself singing and dancing around my house, my mind floated with ideas of how to make my life better. I started to record how I felt every Monday after a night of IDI and saw nothing but positive records. I began to think to myself:

“Maybe the conversations I was having were allowing my thoughts to get out of my mind so that I could think about the things that I wanted to with clarity.”

I began to study IDI and see what it was about that night that made me feel so good. I noticed that the conversations varied from week to week but one thing remained consistent: every second Sunday when Ideas Developing Ideas came around, everybody in the room was radiating and expressing extremely positive emotion.

“Maybe that means that the emotion you feel has an effect on the energy level that you have.”

Before I accept a theory as true, I apply it to as many areas of life as possible to see whether or not I still come to the same conclusion. Each weekend I teach a new student Social Dynamics. I take my clients out in-field and show them how to meet new people. After coming to the conclusion that the emotion you feel has an effect on the energy level that you have, I applied it to the students that I teach every weekend.

I noticed a consistent pattern.

In-field is an intense part of the Kingpin Social program. The goal is to meet the types of people that my student wants to meet. While meeting strangers I teach each student that people want to be around someone that is able to make them feel good. It’s hard to make someone else feel good when you, yourself don’t feel good.

I experimented with this new idea that emotion has an impact on your energy level. Each weekend for the past two months I have said and done things that make my students feel positive emotions. As my student begins to experience higher levels of positive emotion, his energy levels always raise. As my student’s energy levels raise, he experiences higher levels of positive emotion.

“Sick! How can I use this?”

You re-energize yourself by experiencing positive emotion. This isn’t to say that you should stop dieting and going to the gym. There are proven physical facts that say a healthy eating schedule and workout routine are essential for your well-being. This article proves that there is another factor that’s contributing to your level of energy – your emotion. This is also to say that you can consciously acquire more control over the emotion you feel, and thus, raising your energy levels.

One of the fundamental concepts that we teach at Kingpin Social is that the relationships in your life should always give you value. There are infinite potential possibilities for the value you can be given, but value is only value when it makes you feel good. Value can be internal – someone gives you time and energy and it makes you feel a good emotion. Value can also be external – someone buys you a Starbucks Coffee and you feel good because you enjoy coffee. Internal value lasts a long time, whereas external value is short lived.

Chris came over on March 26th when I was experiencing a negative emotion. The stressful day got to me and I was feeling down on myself. This naturally impacted my energy levels and made me want to procrastinate. Who wants to work when they feel bad? I was tired, groggy and un-motivated. Chris came over and had no gift to give me but his time and his energy. The emotion that he felt was positive. That means he gave me time and energy attached with a positive emotion. His presence made me feel better. His presence gave me value.

Chris coming over not only made me feel better but also gave me more energy.

Build Healthy Relationships

Relationships are one of the biggest contributors to living the happiest lifestyle you can. Even though I always ask myself life’s biggest questions, I have yet to come up with an answer. However, the only thing that remains certain is that we are here. It makes sense that I’m here and I may as well make the most of it. I’m determined to live the happiest life that I possibly can and inspire others along the way to do the same.

The relationships in your life should always give you value. Your relationships should always make you feel good. Not only will you have more energy but you will live a more fulfilled life – a life that will inspire others to feel good. Chris’s presence alone made me feel good because he radiated good emotions. My life’s purpose is to do the same thing. I want to feel the best emotions and allow my presence alone to inspire others to feel better too.

You can do the same. Start building healthier relationships in your life. Build relationships that give you value – make you feel good. The only way to do that is by giving value first without expecting anything in return. Those that give you value back are the ones you build relationships with. You won’t regret it – you’ll experience happier emotions and be consistently vitalized with energy.

Categories
Mental Performance Social Dynamics

Learning to Understand Yourself: Part 1

Each and every ‘Intensive Program’ that I have the opportunity to teach is a blessing. The reason is simple: I learn just as much from each student learn from the information the Kingpin Social Intensive Program delivers. This weekend was no different, and if anything, I took more away from this one than any other as the weekend elicited emotions I had repressed for many years. Digging into the history of the clients that I taught brought to the surface some of the things my own mind had hidden from my vision for a long time.

Learning to Understand Yourself is a story about the memories and emotions that are so often repressed, yet affect our everyday life. Each moment that you exist your unconscious beliefs trickle into your conscious experience. Enjoy the read, and look forward to Part 2 soon. If this piece speaks to you, help spread the word by sharing it with your friends, posting it on your Facebook or tweeting about it.

Food Court: February 16, 1999

2:38pm

The gray skies illuminate the busy food court. The vibe is clean, organized, efficient. White and silver chairs shimmer with the sky cast light surrounding the two men sitting in the center of focus. The dark skinned man dawns a beige and white plaid shirt. His black cap overrides his curly hair. His student sits across from him looking intently at a middle aged man on the level below.

“What are you thinking about?” Brian speaks up and asks his student. His students eyes remain locked on the man one level below. The fourth floor gives a perfect vantage point for the two men to take a step back from the world and put on their observation goggles.

“I wonder what he’s thinking,” Joe responds.

Step Back

Brian looks at the man on the third floor. His oversized winter jacket adds mediocrity to his look. The black briefcase that hangs off the man’s right shoulder doesn’t match the steel–toe work boots worn by his feet. He stands next to the railing that overlooks the levels below. The man’s wandering eyes lack focus.

“Joe. What’s the difference between being conscious and being un–conscious?” Brian quizzes. Joe takes a few silent moments to ponder the question. In slow motion Joe opens his mouth to respond. Each word leaks with a certain weight that adds concrete knowledge to his teacher’s question.

“Making decisions vs. not making decisions,” Joe states with certainty.

**********

Each bootcamp that I teach adds more depth to my insight. I’m so thankful for each student that I have the opportunity to impact. My name is Brian Mark. I study the art of Social Dynamics. I’ve dedicated my life to this practice because I believe that the things I believe in have the power to change the world.

I’ve always struggled to find my identity. Up to the age of 15 I didn’t have any habits that I could be proud of. I spent Junior High fantasizing about Runescape – an online game that allows you to gain experience points by playing your created character. Runescape ran my life. The more you played, the higher the level your character was able to achieve. Runescape, complex in design, made it difficult to level up. I never found the time to escape it. I always wanted to reach the next level in my gaming. And the level after that. And the level after that. Take a second to imagine how severely that affected my ability to socialize in the real world.

15 years old came with some changes. I was graduating Junior High and heading into High School. I had spent the summer of Grade 9–10 working out and getting in better shape. Overweight and unhappy, I refused to allow my genetics to run my life and was determined to fight the person that people said I was meant to be. I never played any sports when I was younger. I had a natural athleticism that I never took advantage of. 15 years of gaming left me with a low self-esteem. I was afraid to try new sports because I was afraid of failure.

This led me to develop a video game addiction like no other. I wasn’t in control of how much I played because I didn’t know what else to do. Gaming made me feel good, and why wouldn’t you want to feel good, right? I had a microphone that I could talk to people on. I had an online chat that I could participate in. My social life, my emotional life, my everything could be accessed on the computer in front of me. Real life relationships were not something that ever took priority in my life. I would ditch my friends to play Runescape. I would skip school to feed my addiction. I would do anything to be on my computer and away from the risks of the world. I was safe in my home.

It was comfortable.

**********

The Public Library: February 16, 1999

5:41pm

“Much of your sub-conscious mind’s development happens in the younger years of your life,” Brian states. “At the moment of birth your possibilities are unlimited. The family you are born into raised you in “x” way, which gives you “x” beliefs and values about the world which shape the way that you live the rest of your life,” he finishes.

Brian circles the room staring into nothingness. His brain organizes the next words that come out of his mouth as he feels his throat creating words that manifest images into his audience’s mind. Consciousness leaks into Brian’s life and causes an internal fire to burn.

“Every day your unconscious beliefs trickle into your conscious experience,” Brian states. “Your eyes see the world and bring into it images that automatically filter themselves through the conscious and sub-conscious parts of your mind. Your perception of these images determines how you react to them. Some of these things scare you. Some of them excite you. We’re here to talk about the things that limit you.” Brian feels his heart sink as his heart opens up. Immediately his mind races back to the day of his final High School football game, the City Championships.

The man had such a love for the game of Football. It was the one thing that took Brian away from his video games once and for all. Video games were such a major part of his life because there was a void. The void that was missing was emotion. Fear limited Brian from connecting with people and allowing them to be in his life for long periods of time. Brian’s childhood took away the love from him that he experienced. Hopping from elementary to elementary school wasn’t easy. Each time the young version of the lad would begin to love his friends he would have to move away from them. In the moment it seemed like a typical move from house to house. To the young man, though, his brain registered the belief that “if he falls in love with something, it will leave him.”

The Observer

This fear kept Brian from allowing long-term relationships to happen… and he wasn’t even aware of it.

“Football was the first long-term relationship that I had,” Brian speaks of the thoughts that ran through his mind in the library. Emotion wells up and ties knots into his stomach. The students listen with intensity as Brian’s voice begins to emphasize the words that mean so much to him. “I loved Football with all my heart. I was convinced that I was going to play it for the rest of my life at that point. That scared me though. For some reason it was hard for me to fully accept Football as my identity. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be on the field that I loved. Because I didn’t feel like I deserved it, I didn’t play my heart out.” The fear of the emotion: love, kept him from achieving his dreams.

“My heart sunk. I could stand to look at myself in the mirror when I lost that game. My self-esteem needed validation as people told me the story they believed to be true.” Brian recalls the things that the people used to say to him after the game. They used to tell him that “he played his heart out,”… that “at least he made it to the finals!” They didn’t understand.

“I’ve come to realize that I did the best job that I knew how to with the information that I knew at the time. I wanted to succeed. I really did. There was something inside of me that held me back from winning that game. I couldn’t figure it out,” Brian states. His mind didn’t see him winning the game. He never saw the solution to winning the game. In the 4th quarter he had already accepted the loss. “I had no idea that it had to do with the way that my sub-conscious brain perceived the things that were happening around me. I had already accepted the loss in the 4th quarter. I controlled the outcome of that game with my present-moment perception of the images that my mind took in.”

**********

The best part about bootcamp for me is that I learn just as much as my students. I live my life by the fundamental laws of Social Dynamics. I understand them enough to be able to teach them in unlimited different perspectives. Each student I teach is a new perspective that dawns on the theory I live by, which improves it to be even more diverse and applicable for everyone that takes the course.

Talk about a Win–Win.

This weekend focused on limiting beliefs. There were things inside of my students minds that held them back from achieving the level of success they wanted. Everything that you want is outside of your comfort zone otherwise you would have it. Fear is the six foot fence on the outside of your comfort zone. The way that you do something is the way that you do everything. Fear must be overcome before you can get the things that you want out of life.

I’ve always been afraid of loving people. When I was younger my mind never learned how to love fully and selflessly. As a child I chose to limit my love because I moved too much and each time I moved away from a place my young mind would stay attached to the people that were left behind. The people that I left continued to live their lives as if nothing had happened. I was left to sit in my basement with images of them, and these images would never leave my mind.

There came a time in my younger life that I refused to allow myself to love anymore.

This belief has never served me. The truth is that I was never aware of it. It was rooted so deeply at the core of my mind’s development that it never trickled into my conscious awareness. Sigmund Freud described the un-conscious as having “memories and events that have been repressed and under normal circumstances cannot be uncovered.” The truth is that the memories and experiences of our past – especially our younger years – shape the beliefs that we have about the world today. Every day our unconscious beliefs that we often aren’t even aware of are trickling into our conscious experience, and affecting our daily lives.

Some of those beliefs help us. Some of them limit us.

**********

Public Library: February 17, 1999

5:39pm

Tension fills the room as the conversation dives beyond the surface level and into the very core that shapes who we all are.

“Describe to me some of the events of your childhood,” Brian states as he looks his friend in the eye. Thomas fell silent as the unconscious memories he had repressed began to surface themselves. They flood his conscious mind like a tidal wave as he opens his mouth to share the story he had buried deep down for such a long time.

“My caregiver and I never had a good relationship. She had the ability to turn on me so fast. One second she would be loving and compassionate, the next she would scream at me in anger,” Thomas speaks up. Brian looks his student in the eye as his mind floods with memories of his own childhood. Similarities bond the student and teacher. Brian’s thoughts wander back to his childhood and the memories that had been repressed for years until he decided to do some digging. “I ended up separating myself from my mother. I no longer cared when she raged at me. I no longer cared when she loved me. It wasn’t worth the pain.” Thomas finishes.

Self Awareness

Waves of emotion pulse their way throughout the room. The aura of Thomas grew strong as his brain became increasingly aware of the things that had limited him for years.

“Your mother is the first woman that you see as you come into this world,” Brian circles the room as he switches his marker from hand to hand. Thomas, Joe and Mikey B pay attention to the speaker, without knowing the speakers mind isn’t even in the room. His brain reflects on the experiences that have made him into who he is today.

“If you don’t have a positive relationship with the first woman you see when you come into the world, how do you think your other relationships with women will be for the rest of your life?” Brian asks. He looks Thomas in the eyes. The rim of Thomas’ eyes were the color of deep ocean waters. The middle of his eyes flood with sky blue. The centre of his teal eyes engulfed with white clouds, surrounding his pupils flooded an oceanic tinge. Thomas stared into nothingness as he responds.

“I’ve never had a real girlfriend.”

Categories
Attracting Women Lifestyle Mental Performance Relationships

Why You Date “Crazy” People

Why you date crazy peoplePart of connecting with new people and creating long-term relationships is getting to know them on an internal level. Meaning we get the opportunity to see the true self or authentic personality of the person we are getting to know. With that comes the opportunity to gain insight into another’s self-esteem and the battles they face or what they haven’t been able to move past. When we embark into new relationships we share these hidden gems which than exposes them with complete vulnerability and open to ridicule. This vulnerability is what makes creating new relationships so scary. We allow someone close enough for them to see our flaws and to possibly pass judgement or leave disinterested.

“My ex was crazy…”

We’ve all heard this before. Whether you were the one saying it or your friend constantly complains about their constant issue with dating the same douche bag or crazy needy girl every time they get into a relationship. At some point we all need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Why do I attract these qualities of a person into my life? Why do I seem to date needy girls with no self-esteem? Why do I date selfish assholes who won’t give me their time?”

We are all flawed, even Gisele Bundchen has the crazy gene. You are delusional if you think you are the exception. It’s like the Dr Seuss quote, “We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love.” We are all weird, we all have our demons, and we tend to date people who have the same issues that we harbor. They may be crazy… but you’re just as insane.

Breaking The Crazy Cycle

First you need to take inventory of all the relationships you have had. What is the common denominator? Start off simple: Do you date people who are athletic? Smart? Artistic? What do all of your past relationships have in common? Personally the common denominator of my past relationships was two qualities: I dated highly ambitious guys who had no drive and they were also very insecure.

The most common problem in a lot of relationships is co-dependency. Someone who is co-dependent relies on their partner for their happiness, social life, hobbies, etc. They are insecure and crave your affections and attention. They are deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in what they are doing so they will usually latch onto their partners looking for support or even take on their partners life as their own. These people vanish into who they are dating and lose all sense of self. I have been in multiple co-dependent relationships: myself being the co-dependent partner and dating someone who was co-dependent on me.

be the type of person you want to meet

Whether you want to accept it or not… part of their problem lies within you as well. We attract both our most positive qualities and negative qualities. If you are charismatic you tend to attract others who are charismatic because that is a strong quality in you that you like, so you desire it in others. Have you ever noticed that if you wrote out a list of what you wanted in someone it’s generally all your best qualities you find in yourself? The same goes for the negative qualities. I attracted insecure men because I was also insecure. I didn’t realize I was attracted to men who were insecure I just naturally fell into those relationships without the awareness of doing so. I dated highly ambitious men who didn’t have integrity because I myself am very ambitious with no integrity to my projects or dreams. This is all connected to self-esteem and the only self-esteem you can really repair is your own.

So knowing this, how do we move forward?

Be The Best You

It starts with building the best relationship with YOU. If you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself than you will not be able to give fully to someone else. You will be filling the void within yourself through the person you are dating and inevitably drain them thus making them run away and resent you.

People who aren’t whole will cling onto their partners- the only source of their happiness. These people act like drug addicts because love and affection is truly addictive to an individual who is deeply unhappy. Everyone gets this lovely chemical called dopamine injected into their brain every time you embrace someone, sending you into a high of happiness and bliss. Once you take away the love and affection -dopamine – someone who is unhappy will react like most drug addicts: lash out and act insane in order to get back what they once had. Once someone has to face the unhappiness that lies deep down inside they realize how dependant they are on other people for their well being. This is a terrifying and long process.

A healthy relationship consists of two wholes not two halves, so you need to be whole before you can truly attract another person who is whole as well. Two healthy people can actively work together to build a strong relationship. Two healthy people have a strong foundation and thus can build a strong frame to house the relationship in. Without a strong foundation you will not have a house that will withstand the test of time. It’s exactly the same with relationships.

happy couple

You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself and work to be a better you. Make yourself whole first. To be whole you need to appreciate who you are and have a life that you love.

What are you passionate about? What brings you the most value? What are components of your life you enjoy? What are things that don’t bring value in your life and how can you actively take steps to eradicate them? You need to take active steps in your life to bring change, to grow, and it starts by having the awareness of where you need to grow and knowing the things that don’t serve you towards your higher purpose.

And lastly when you take recognition of the negative qualities of your past relationships that also make up who you are, how are you actively working towards to reversing it? In order for me to be more driven and follow through with my dreams, I have been working towards my integrity. I have been working towards this with the help of the Kingpin Crew who push me every day to accomplish my goals. When I accomplish something I naturally feel more successful and positive about what I am doing thus building up positive vibes making me into a happier individual. The happier I am the more whole I feel, the more whole I am, the more I can share that with someone else and build positive relationships that foster love and growth.

If you want to date someone who isn’t “crazy” then you need to start with yourself and be the person YOU would want to date, and naturally you will attract those who share the same positive qualities. Build a strong foundation with yourself; be the best you.

J

Categories
Lifestyle

“Today is the LAST day of the rest of your life…”

Joey Spencer

Joey Spencer is a blogger that actively studies Social Dynamics. Joey has recently made the commitment to drop out of school and pursue his dreams. An inspiration at 19 years old Joey plans to take the world by storm and make a difference. Without further ado — check out Joey’s post on the value of time.

Ever heard the saying “Today is the first day of the rest of your life?” I’m here to disagree. I think that statement is flawed. Today is actually the last day of the rest of your life. Well, it could be. You could die today. There is no certainties. Your credit card does not have a lifetime guarantee. The only guarantee that you have is that you’re here in this present moment knowing that today may be the last day of the rest of your life.

What is your most valuable resource? Time. Time is a really disregarded subject in a sense of its value. The best way to get the most accurate answer to its value is to reflect. The last hour of your life, did you spend it with maximum potential? Because that hour, you can never get back, it’s gone. This is so easy to pinpoint in our past but exists in not only our past, but our present and our future. You are deciding where to use your time now and your future. This is the idea that made me develop of “Time Investments.”

Time

I look at time like a currency. Every minute you spend is an investment. If you are going to get a return from your investment, or setting yourself up for a return short-term or long-term, that’s a good investment. If your investment doesn’t fit that criterion, you should reassess what you are investing in and look for alternate routes. The best way to make sure this is accurate throughout your daily life is to evaluate whenever you are changing tasks. I can give you some examples of bad examples and good examples from my own personal experience as we are all different individuals. But I personally have been eliminating time invested in movies/TV and drinking. I watch a lot of educational videos on www.ted.com. My main realization when it came to drinking was that it wasted 2 days, 1st was the night of I would blow money on drinks, cover, taxis, food, and then the next day I would have the motivation to do nothing! I started investing my time in going to the gym and getting healthy, Building and paving bridges (social connections), and working towards my dream.

My main technique for time organization is with a whiteboard calendar. A white-board calendar allows me to plot out a month’s plan. The advantage of having the white-board version is that I can add to it. Like I said above, never get rid of anything, just add. I have a rule that I circle anything missed, cross-out anything accomplished, and box any day that I believe was an amazing day. Every Sunday I go over the prior week. If there is any circled tasks, (which don’t be ashamed if there is at first! this is all learning process) I figure out methods on how I will correct that in the future. Also to end the assessment, I remember the “boxed” days and how successful they were, and plan for more days in the future to be like that. I heard an amazing expression that applies to this, “Make every day better than the last.” You will notice that once you organize this calendar you will have much more free-time, yet be accomplishing a lot more. With some self-discipline, you will also see amazing results on completing tasks, goals, and deadlines. It is also great to have a regular calendar with long-term deadlines. For instance a meeting or appointment a couple months down the road.

impossible

I want to end off with two issues with time I have experienced. I have noticed that whenever I think I have enough time to do something, allow more time. I experienced this mostly during film shoots for my movie, I would always be crunched for time. Allow yourself a dynamic schedule so that you don’t get bored! I for instance have multiple tasks on the go at once. Instinctively I want to tackle each one in full before moving onto the next. I had a great start to projects but never finished. I then compared this to my swimming, where I had strong finishes. What the heck was I doing different. I was pacing myself in swimming and it’s so important you do this with your tasks as well. I learnt to do a bit of each of my tasks throughout the day allowing diversity keeping me excited and motivated all day every day.

The most crucial thing I’ve learned about time investments is that it’s not always going to be a smooth road. I am constantly enduring obstacles which test my willpower of still following through. Examples; being sick, being without a vehicle, etc. Plan for the worst to happen so you’re ready for it and can keep rolling.

Try this out for 30 days, challenge yourself and evaluate the results. I guarantee you will notice significant positive change to your life. There has to be a day when you wake up and realize that you want to do something with your life. You want to live your life in abundance. You want to be happy. You want to be loved. Today can be that today. Today is that day. Take advantage of the precious time that you’ve been given and create something greater than your imagination.

Categories
Lifestyle

Guest Post: 4 Step Guide on How to Find Passion

Alden TanAlden Tan is a blogger that makes his way to Kingpin Lifestyle all the way from Signapore. Alden Tan is a passionate BBoy and he started his own blog with the intention of spreading the word: life can be easy. Life can be enjoyable. Life can be lived with good emotions. Alden Tan’s blog is all about spreading the word of passion with uncensored, real talk on how to make your life better. Check out Alden Tan’s blog here. In the meantime… enjoy his first post on Kingpin Lifestyle.

Today we are going to talk about a simple yet powerful topic called Passion. This is an extremely important aspect of life that is most often swept under the rug by most people, and that of course is really sad because not many know of the art of passion and how it can actually bring you a long way in life.

Strong, powerful words bordering on metaphysical stuff? Indeed. Passion is on a whole new level. Read on to see why passion, when sparked in the individual can make a huge difference in his or her life and why passion isn’t just about doing what you love or dabbling in something you think is fun and cool.

Definition of Passion

“Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate”
                -Dictionary.com

That’s the straight-up meaning of it, should you flip open a book for it. But go ahead and ask anyone who has a real passion in life.

If you ask me, it goes something like this:

“Passion is that very thing in your body and soul that can take over within seconds. It burns with a fire so strong that you know it’s ‘right’”

It ain’t just something you love…

PassionWhen people think of passion they are mostly like, “Oh just something I really love doing”.

Take it a little deeper.

With passion, there is feeling. With feeling, there are your senses being erupted. Passion allows you to actually follow your heart and when you go along with it, everything just feels right.

All the clichés in the world, Follow your Heart, Chase your dreams, Pursue your Passion, Do what you Love, Never Give Up, all stem from one thing, and that of course is passion.

Things will never go wrong.

It’s my personal belief that good things will automatically manifest in your life as long as you stay true to yourself and do what you love.

Maybe you think that’s hard to believe. After all, the world is a tough place where people are constantly competing against each other and also, you got to live up to societal expectations and all that.

Well, call it the law of attraction, having a good aura, creating good positive vibrations, karma or some deity making you feel blessed. Call it whatever you want! But you definitely cannot go wrong with this: It’s a damn good feeling.

When there is passion, it feels good. It gives you that major sense of belonging and ultimately, an identity. Passion is what burns inside of you that makes everything in life feel right. The world may be a crazy place for us to live in, but what makes us unique and special in this constantly-moving world is our feelings. NOTHING, and I mean nothing or anyone else on this planet can dictate that for you and take that away from you.

So, instil some passion inside of you, get some good feelings, have some fun, and just live happily.

The beauty of it all? It doesn’t matter what your passion is. Your favourite thing to do could be sitting at home playing Skyrim non-stop or heading out to do volunteer work. The difference ultimately come together and achieves the same thing in that person, which is feeling right; feeling totally awesome about it.

Because life isn’t that bad.

DJ PassionMore clichés now: Life is unfair, it’s a Dog Eat Dog world out there, You Snooze You Lose, Survival of the Fittest, Good guys finish last. The list can go on!

Passion can trump all of that (I love how this works)

With all that I have written above, you can easily see how passion makes you feel good. Find your passion, go with it, fall in love with it and just feel totally awesome about life.

Passion (to be more dramatic about it) actually gives you hope in life.

Get some passion in you and you indulge in your whole being on a new level that is unique to you. With this special feeling, things will go right. Why?

Because life isn’t that bad.

Hell, if you can tell yourself that, you are pretty much right track in having passion; in life.

Life is Short.

For real.

Life is simply too short to be doing things you don’t even feel like doing. It’s a sad fact in life that people are caught in the “matrix” where they are bounded by rules of society and others’ expectations. Many hence, fail to follow their passion or worse, don’t even get to find theirs’. It’s an even sadder fact in life people don’t get to live their own life, thanks to diseases, bad people and stuff.

It’s all real. So why wait? Get your passion now, and start feeling good.

Having trouble finding your passion?

I wrote a guide here. In short, it goes a little something like this:

Step 1) Ask yourself what do you think you are good at.

Step 2) Ask yourself what makes you excited.

Step 3) Find out what makes you feel like you belong to something else.

Step 4) Try out all sorts of different stuff.

Start now. Don’t delay. It will be worth it.

Alden Tan

Categories
Lifestyle

Learn How to Stop Speculating and Start Acting with One Easy Tip

Weight of the WorldMy whole life I grew up with a low self – esteem. Raised in a family without a father left me asking questions and getting no answers. I spent my elementary life taking out my anger on fellow students as a big bully; I spent my Junior High year overweight and in a negative emotional state. High School brought a bit of joy to my life as I found a passion… but after injury took that passion away from me I returned to my docile emotional state. I spent a year wallowing in my sorrow; smoking weed to get high and numb my negative perspective.

It’s been over a year since I started my self – development journey. At 18 years old my intentions were flawed but my motivation was strong. I wanted to grow bigger than I’d ever imagined. My sights were set on the sky. I was determined to change.

I count myself to be a lucky man. To have found this path of Social Dynamics that I found at such a young age allowed me to grow at an exponential rate. In one year I’ve made more of a life transformation than I could have ever imagined. People looking from the outside could say that I always had it; but they never knew what went on inside. I think the internal side of life is what drives the external side. My confidence was there… my self esteem kept me from pursing my passions.

I felt like I didn’t deserve to.

I believe that the number one cause of failed dreams is a failed belief in the ability to accomplish them. Our minds are the most powerful tool we’ve been given. The ability to calculate potential outcomes based on personal experience and fact is astounding. I believe that our minds naturally tend to calculate more negative outcomes than positive ones.

Imagine if we were able to plan out as much of our dream as we do our failure? How many times have you stepped back from taking a risk because of the fear of failure. How many times have you stepped up to the plate and taken the risk; knowing of the potential failure but stepping up anyways? Imagine if our mind naturally calculated the potential positive outcomes as much as it calculated the potential negative outcomes.

Success and Failure

Ready, Fire, Aim

Cam Adair offered me a place to live in Downtown just over a year ago. I just moved into my new house with 3 roommates and committed to a 12 month lease. Cam was asking me to break that lease and move Downtown. I didn’t have alot of money and I didn’t own alot of things.

The potential negative outcomes? My friends might have hated me for moving out before 12 months. I didn’t have the money to move out, I just moved into this house. I had no relationship with Cam so what if it went bad? Not only that but I was extremely scared that I might fail.

The potential positive outcomes? I’d become a part of a dream that I’d live in for the rest of my life. I had no idea what that dream would be, but I wanted to be a part of it.

Taking ActionI believe self – esteem to be the cause of our perspective. A low – self esteem has the probability of using the mind to calculate potential negative outcomes where as a high self – esteem has a tendency to calculate the potential positive outcomes. The one problem with the time that the mind takes to think is this: the time that you spend speculating is time that someone else is spending acting.

I believe that in life you must do as much preparation as possible in the little amount of time that you have and then you have to take action. Take a risk. I think back to my decision on that day when I sent Cam the “Yes” message and wonder where my life would be if I hadn’t chosen to grow. I told him I’d move in with him a couple of weeks after he had sent me the invite. How would I get the money? What would my friends think? What if I fail? It didn’t matter.

Growth is the only option. Progress is the only option. Where would my student’s lives be if I hadn’t chosen to grow? Every second you spend speculating the potential negative outcomes takes away from not only your growth but everyone else’s around you. Your growth influences everyone you come in contact with.

This life is too short. You can spend your time speculating or your can spend your time participating. I believe that to accomplish any of your goals you need to get as ready as you possibly can in the shortest amount of time and then jump in feet first. You can stand at the top of the cliff all you want; you’ll never know how cold it is until you jump. You can think about how cold it is and spend your time worrying about falling off the cliff, jumping wrong, landing in a wierd position… OR you can go to the bottom of the cliff, make sure the water’s deep enough to jump, and jump. The exhilaration comes from destroying comfort zones not speculating them.

Take A RiskTake a risk. Start with a small cliff and jump off. Build the right momentum and move up to the bigger cliffs. Stop thinking about how to get what you want and start acting to get the things that you want out of reality. Time flies and the moments that you have are precious. Every moment you waste on speculation is a moment that someone else is spending acting towards the things that you want out of reality.

What are you waiting for? Jump.

Categories
Entrepreneurship Lifestyle

One Quick Tip to Overcoming Growing Pains

passion for writingIt’s been about a year since I started sitting on my keyboard writing field reports. I’ve come a long way from my first posts. I can remember the days where my posts were long rants, describing each and every single person that I approached that evening. I wrote with too much detail. My extended efforts allowed me to have a clearer perspective on my journey of self – discovery.

Social Dynamics came into my life unexpectedly. The whirlwind of a year I’ve experienced started with a simple question from one man; “I’m moving downtown into a condo and I’m looking for a roommate.” A question that would cause me to leave my comfort zone would lead to a shift of direction for the rest of my life.

The Importance of Conscious Decisions

The hardest road is always the one will grow the most from. I was living comfortably when I met Cam, paying $300.00 for rent, making enough money to get by and buy all of the marijuana I smoked my time away with. My moderate depression was covered momentarily with the marijuana smoke and the drunken weekend escapades. At $925.00 a month, Cam offered me to move into a Downtown condo; away from the people that I had grown extremely fond of. My social circle – my environment – would have to be left behind for me to go on this path of self development.

Reflecting on this past year has brought to my attention the importance of the present moment decisions that are made in our everyday life. I look back on a year’s time and wonder where my life would be had I chosen to stay in my comfortable house with my old friends. They’re all good people – but we didn’t share the same passion for meeting people. You are a result of your environment. The people you hang out with shape the person you ultimately turn out to be. Leaving my social circle behind at 19 years old was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

broke for passion

Especially knowing that I was going to be nearly broke for the next few months; while learning how to manage money in the more expensive condo I’d be living in.

If it was easy, everyone would grow.

Just a little over a year ago I was faced with a decision. This decision was to grow to levels I didn’t know were possible with my low self – esteem at the time, or to stay right where I was and live comfortably. The thing about living comfortably is that you don’t have to take the risk to see that your sense of reality may not be as right as you think it is. It’s always easier to stay at home in ignorance than it is to put yourself on the line and test how much you really know. It is the people who choose to strive for something more that get what they want out of reality. My decision that day seemed to be “Live in this house, or live in a house with Cam,”… but it was so much more than that.

making decisionsThe question that Cam posed to me was “Do you want to grow, or are you comfortable getting what you’ve always gotten.” The decision to grow has changed the course of my life in a forever positive direction. In a years time I went from a state of slight depression to a consistently passionate emotional state. The people that I surround myself with encourage me to grow even when my days start out dreading the sound of the alarm clock. Growing alone is hard, growing with a group is so much easier.

Every day we’re faced with decisions that seem like basic decisions.

“Cook for myself or eat a McDonalds bacon and egger” = “Take care of myself or treat myself with disrespect”

“Give change to someone less fortunate or walk on by” = “Make a difference in the world or live a life of selfishness”

“Stay home and study or go out to the bar” = “Develop personal integrity or take steps backwards in terms of growth”

These basic in the moment decisions affect the course of your life. The way that you do something is the way that you do everything. The present moment decisions that are made – although seemingly meaningless in the moment – are shaping the outcome of the person you turn out to be. Every decision matters. Conscious control over present moment decisions will cause you to turn into that person you’ve always wanted to become. Be conscious. Make the smart decision. Decide to grow in the moment. The small sacrifices you’ll have to make in the short term of your life will have the greatest positive impact on the vision you’ve created inside of your mind.

Thank you Kingpin Social..

self discovery

My decision to move in with Cam a year ago has shaped the outcome of my life. It’s caused me to live in passion with the people around me. It’s caused me to love every second I’m alive. It’s caused me to develop a relationship with my keyboard; but ultimately it’s caused me to develop a healthy relationship with myself. Cooking for myself, going to Yoga classes, maintaining my physical fitness and developing a sense of integrity are all byproducts of studying Social Dynamics.

Here’s your chance. It’s your turn to grow. It might be hard right now, but every decision that you make in this present moment affects the course of the rest of your life. Consciously choose to be better than you were yesterday.