Part of connecting with new people and creating long-term relationships is getting to know them on an internal level. Meaning we get the opportunity to see the true self or authentic personality of the person we are getting to know. With that comes the opportunity to gain insight into another’s self-esteem and the battles they face or what they haven’t been able to move past. When we embark into new relationships we share these hidden gems which than exposes them with complete vulnerability and open to ridicule. This vulnerability is what makes creating new relationships so scary. We allow someone close enough for them to see our flaws and to possibly pass judgement or leave disinterested.
“My ex was crazy…”
We’ve all heard this before. Whether you were the one saying it or your friend constantly complains about their constant issue with dating the same douche bag or crazy needy girl every time they get into a relationship. At some point we all need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Why do I attract these qualities of a person into my life? Why do I seem to date needy girls with no self-esteem? Why do I date selfish assholes who won’t give me their time?”
We are all flawed, even Gisele Bundchen has the crazy gene. You are delusional if you think you are the exception. It’s like the Dr Seuss quote, “We’re all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love.” We are all weird, we all have our demons, and we tend to date people who have the same issues that we harbor. They may be crazy… but you’re just as insane.
Breaking The Crazy Cycle
First you need to take inventory of all the relationships you have had. What is the common denominator? Start off simple: Do you date people who are athletic? Smart? Artistic? What do all of your past relationships have in common? Personally the common denominator of my past relationships was two qualities: I dated highly ambitious guys who had no drive and they were also very insecure.
The most common problem in a lot of relationships is co-dependency. Someone who is co-dependent relies on their partner for their happiness, social life, hobbies, etc. They are insecure and crave your affections and attention. They are deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in what they are doing so they will usually latch onto their partners looking for support or even take on their partners life as their own. These people vanish into who they are dating and lose all sense of self. I have been in multiple co-dependent relationships: myself being the co-dependent partner and dating someone who was co-dependent on me.
Whether you want to accept it or not… part of their problem lies within you as well. We attract both our most positive qualities and negative qualities. If you are charismatic you tend to attract others who are charismatic because that is a strong quality in you that you like, so you desire it in others. Have you ever noticed that if you wrote out a list of what you wanted in someone it’s generally all your best qualities you find in yourself? The same goes for the negative qualities. I attracted insecure men because I was also insecure. I didn’t realize I was attracted to men who were insecure I just naturally fell into those relationships without the awareness of doing so. I dated highly ambitious men who didn’t have integrity because I myself am very ambitious with no integrity to my projects or dreams. This is all connected to self-esteem and the only self-esteem you can really repair is your own.
So knowing this, how do we move forward?
Be The Best You
It starts with building the best relationship with YOU. If you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself than you will not be able to give fully to someone else. You will be filling the void within yourself through the person you are dating and inevitably drain them thus making them run away and resent you.
People who aren’t whole will cling onto their partners- the only source of their happiness. These people act like drug addicts because love and affection is truly addictive to an individual who is deeply unhappy. Everyone gets this lovely chemical called dopamine injected into their brain every time you embrace someone, sending you into a high of happiness and bliss. Once you take away the love and affection -dopamine – someone who is unhappy will react like most drug addicts: lash out and act insane in order to get back what they once had. Once someone has to face the unhappiness that lies deep down inside they realize how dependant they are on other people for their well being. This is a terrifying and long process.
A healthy relationship consists of two wholes not two halves, so you need to be whole before you can truly attract another person who is whole as well. Two healthy people can actively work together to build a strong relationship. Two healthy people have a strong foundation and thus can build a strong frame to house the relationship in. Without a strong foundation you will not have a house that will withstand the test of time. It’s exactly the same with relationships.
You can’t change other people; you can only change yourself and work to be a better you. Make yourself whole first. To be whole you need to appreciate who you are and have a life that you love.
What are you passionate about? What brings you the most value? What are components of your life you enjoy? What are things that don’t bring value in your life and how can you actively take steps to eradicate them? You need to take active steps in your life to bring change, to grow, and it starts by having the awareness of where you need to grow and knowing the things that don’t serve you towards your higher purpose.
And lastly when you take recognition of the negative qualities of your past relationships that also make up who you are, how are you actively working towards to reversing it? In order for me to be more driven and follow through with my dreams, I have been working towards my integrity. I have been working towards this with the help of the Kingpin Crew who push me every day to accomplish my goals. When I accomplish something I naturally feel more successful and positive about what I am doing thus building up positive vibes making me into a happier individual. The happier I am the more whole I feel, the more whole I am, the more I can share that with someone else and build positive relationships that foster love and growth.
If you want to date someone who isn’t “crazy” then you need to start with yourself and be the person YOU would want to date, and naturally you will attract those who share the same positive qualities. Build a strong foundation with yourself; be the best you.