Last week I received a Facebook message from a guy I met at Cowboys (picture above) 5 years ago and to put it simply- it was a complete train wreck. I was seriously cringing on the other side of my computer screen (while stifling a few laughs) on how clueless this guy was on trying to get me to hang out with him. Lets call him Ripper. Ripper is good-looking, and what I recall from 5 years ago, a pretty fun guy to hang out with and generally this is all good signs pointing green- but his delivery was awful. Not only did he ask me if “I wanna rip” (hence the nickname) when he gets back from his cottage but he delivered an ultimatum within the first 30 minutes of us chatting.
Here’s my thought process: “Dude, I have been talking to you for a whole 30 minutes and you are already giving me an ultimatum? I barely even know you.”
Ultimatums are never a good idea, not only within a 30 minute reconnect but in general. Here’s why:
Ultimatums are stupid and a HUGE turn-off.
First of all no one responds well to being forced in to doing anything. We all love having a choice, that’s why we fight for human rights, the right to vote, etc. We all want options and we all want the right to choose. Ultimatums leave you with only two options but from a place of manipulation and desperation. Ripper automatically came off as insecure and desperate as soon as he gave me the ultimatum of “If we don’t hang out then there isn’t a point of us being Facebook friends.” Why would I want to hang out with a guy who is coming off desperate and even more importantly why do I want to hang out with a guy who is trying to manipulate me in to hanging out with him? No thanks, talk about a huge red flag!
Where he went wrong
Ripper didn’t established any relationship with me, there was no reconnect, no building of a relationship or natural flow that would really want me to “rip” (whatever that means any ways.) I hadn’t seen the guy in 5 years and no where in-between then and now did I ever really talk to him. I know nothing about him. If he had acted calm and cool, built up a connection or rapport, and was less insecure on me blowing him off right from the get-go I may have actually hung out with him.
The right girl will walk away
If the girl respects herself (only the good ones do) and you give her an ultimatum- she will walk away without hesitating to look back. You will automatically be labeled as a psycho and yes that means you will be benched not only on her sidelines but also any girl she knows. No girl needs some guy manipulating her, that just screams “controlling” which goes hand-in-hand with the possibility that the guys is jealous and will watch her every move. CREEPY. No girl wants to be with some dinkus (for lack of a better word) who thinks he can tell her what to do and when she does it. Girls want a guy that will respect her and respect the natural flow of the relationship. It should never be forced. A healthy relationship should naturally develop and have its own flow, and if you start to disrupt that flow it’s just going to backfire and all that hard work will have gone to waste cause you were so damn impatient. 😉
Why you love the Ultimatum
If you are resorting to an ultimatum it’s because you are not getting your way and the relationship isn’t progressing as you would like it to. Needless to say you need to calm down and let the relationship flow the way it’s suppose to. If the relationship has been stagnant then it’s probably not going anywhere and you should move on. Giving an ultimatum WILL speed up the process but only because it will probably be the last time you talk to her and if you really dig her I will assume thats the last thing you want. If you want the relationship to move to the next level then you need to act accordingly to how the relationship is building. Example: If you have been on one date you wouldn’t just jump to asking her to be commited and switch on that Facebook relationship status to “in a relationship with (insert your name here)” because thats a huge leap and it will freak her out.
When Ultimatums are good
I think it should never really have to escalate to the point where you feel like you need to give someone an ultimatum but in some circumstances it may be useful. I think only in more specific situations such as: when you need an answer in order for you to have closure and move on. If the relationship isn’t progressing or you are in an unhealthy set-up (like being the third party in a relationship) then you need to end it and move on regardless. But if someone is wishy-washy with your emotions and you are unclear and they are mistreating you then I think asking the right questions like example: “are we together or are we not together?” can be a useful way for you to know if you should be moving on or not. It gives you what you need to make the best move for yourself and the relationship in general.
Ultimately ultimatums aren’t the way to go unless you are in some serious need of confirmation, but proceed with caution. Know that ultimatums will typically leave you back at square one but in rare circumstances can really help on getting some clarity. Learn from Mr. Ripper and make sure you build your relationship and allow it to progress naturally and please… please never use “wanna rip?”