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Dorchester Center, MA 02124
Recently, I had a talk with a good friend and business partner Kevin Choo. Kevin was talking to me and blowing my mind on his theory on Relationships, and Kevin developed the truth outlined in this article. Kevin’s talk with me made so much sense, so much so that I had to write an article and enlighten my readers with the info!
If you want to get in contact with Kevin, check www.kingpinsocial.com
“So Brian, what is the cause of ALL failed relationships?
You come home from work and dread walking through the door. Your wife stand in the doorway, staring at you with a look of discontent.
Where have you been!
Explaining that the overtime is necessary for promotion, your wife yells at you for being late for the dinner she takes time to cook for you. At first she loved your drive, she told you it was made her attracted to you in the first place. Ever since the Yoga classes, she’s been focused on family life; something which you don’t seem to have time for anymore.
You look through your eyes at your irate wife, and you wonder where the spark went.
It’s not that you didn’t ever love each other. One falls in love with the things that bring them the most value. Value is only value, if the other person sees it as value. At the time, when the relationship started, the perceptions of each others value was high.
At the start of the relationship, the wife loved the fact that the husband was driven. The husband was the kind of guy who would put in whatever hours it took to get the job done, and the wife saw that as valuable.
The wife was growing in a different direction than the husband though, and began on the path to becoming a Yoga instructor. Over time, the two entities grew apart. The husband was driven, putting in the man hours to get the job done. In pursuit of the external, driven by money, the husband lived his life chasing the external value. As a Yoga teacher, the wife began to dive more into the internal side of life.
At first, they loved each other. However over time, the husband and wife weren’t able to see through the eyes of each other, because one chased something external, and one chased something internal. The wife’s perception of value shifted, and if relationships are based on an exchange of value… that means the husband could no longer provide the wife value.
The promotion, the new car, the nice house wouldn’t matter for the wife, because the new path allowed her to be in pursuit of internal value. Even though the husband was offering value, in the form of external, the wife wanted the internal. The family dinners, the appreciation for the love and support.
Failed relationships happen because perception of value shifts. If you’re not growing together, you’re growing apart. This is why it’s important to find one with the same values as you when seriously considering dating, because if the two of you aren’t growing in the same direction, you’re going to grow apart.
Ever wondered why celebrities date celebrities? Why punk rockers date punk rockers? Why High School Quarterbacks date Cheerleaders? Why barstar girls date barstar guys?
Their perception of value is the same, thus a relationship exists. The relationship fails when the perception of value shifts, and one party is unable to shift with the other party.
If one of the celebrities in a relationship decided to become a monk for a buddist church, do you really think that they could still date? Their perception of value shifts, the monk now valuing the internal side of life, and the celebrity would be forced to either shift their perception of value or remain the same, letting the relationship fall to the wayside.
If you want to have a successful relationship, with anyone, the perceptions of value need to align with each other, and be heading in the same direction. Relationships are based on an exchange of value, and we fall in love with the things that give us the most value. Love is a survival mechanism, and we fall in love with the things that bring us the most value. If you want a successful relationship, you must find someone that finds valuable the same things that you do.
If this doesn’t happen, and the two of you aren’t growing in the same direction, you’re destined to grow apart. Either way you’re growing; it’s up to you to find the person who’s going to grow with you.
Excellent article. Thanks.
So it basically means that if her perception of value shifts along the line, and even though mine stays the same, I’m essentially screwed.
@ RR – Thanks for commenting! In relationships it’s important to understand that people’s perceptions of value change over time and sometimes that means it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. But remember, just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing. It can be a major positive in your life too. Keep focused on living your life to the fullest and stay true to yourself. Let the rest of life happen as it does and don’t get too attached to any specific outcome.