You met this really awesome person, and you instantly ‘click’ and become the best of friends. Next thing you know you start hanging out a lot, going out for dinner, coffee, or hitting up yoga classes together. You start offering to pick up their coffee order, and help them out with setting up their email account since they are technologically challenged. You don’t mind, you offered, and you offered because you care and you want to help. You’re friends after all. This is you offering value to that budding new relationship and its creating a deeper connection based on a foundation of exchange. Which is awesome!
Gimme, Gimme, Never Gets
I’m not here to reiterate what Cam and Brian have been writing about, as by now you should grasp the basics of what value is and how to distinguish a persons perception of value. After discussing with Cam over dinner about how setting expectations for other people sets them up for failure, I started to think that an exchange of value is never truly equal. There are people who give value but based on the pretense of reciprocation, and others from a place of simply wanting to give. Some may give more on one day, and the other less on another, its a natural energy exchange. So this brings up the question: Are you only giving to someone to get something back? Are you coming from a place of expectation? I think a lot of people are stuck in this mentality, and it really jeopardizes their relationships.
Personally I’ve never built a relationship off of this mentality of a tally system. The tally system: keeping track of what you owe them, and what they owe you. I’m naturally a very giving individual and I don’t ever go in to a relationship with expectation of receiving the same amount of coffee’s or dinners that I put in to the relationship. I feel a relationship that is based off of material value is only giving in the pretense of getting back, and even coming from a place of lack. Meaning that you are coming from a place that you only have so much to give, that your giving has a threshold you have set within yourself. Which is wack. The only limitation there should be on ‘giving’ is the point where you feel like you are emotionally drained and being taken advantage of.
Coming from a place that you never have enough in itself is completely crazy. This world is so abundant that you should be giving freely in order to allow others to do the same. Once you automatically come from a place that you NEED something in return you are coming from a place that says you don’t have enough. You have more than enough, and you have more than enough to give.
“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” – – Kahlil Gibran
When you are giving value to an individual it should come from a place of being genuine, not from the idea that you will get something out of it. Having an expectation from that individual will build resentment, and more than likely lead to disappointment. How can that person live up to your expectations? They can’t read your mind. By detaching yourself from the outcome you allow that person to give freely and from a place that is actually genuine and based on wanting to build that connection.
Building a relationship on a tally mentality will suffocate the relationship of its natural progression because you totally over-think the relationships progress. If your relationship looks like a tennis match, 1 for 1, 2 for 2, then the relationship will start to feel forced or unnatural. Having zero expectation allows for the relationship to develop as it is and allows the individuals in question to be themselves and create a relationship that’s based on the authentic self.
BUT- keep in mind your boundaries. Where is the balancing act?
‘It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.’ – – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Staying balanced is actually a lot easier than it sounds if you have boundries. If you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, they probably are, and its about creating solid boundaries for yourself to distinguish the kind of people you want to have in your life. You want people who give value without you expecting them to give anything. If someone is taking value from you and not giving value back it will eventually lead to resentment and the relationship will start to end on its own. You will automatically not want to be a part of that persons life because they are taking value from you and the energy exchange isn’t free-flowing. In friendships and in partnerships there will always be days where someone will give more than the other whether that be in material value or emotional. No day looks the same, and I don’t think it really should. That would take WAY too much analyzing and will ultimately jeopardize the relationship since its not natural.
Drop the mentality that people owe you something. If you give value freely, generally the people who are suppose to be in your life will reciprocate naturally. Those who give without expectation, will always receive. And by giving through not only material value but through emotional value as well. You have everything you need in this world so you shouldn’t feel as though people owe you something in return for what you give them. Give because you want to give. Come from that place of abundance and wanting to change someones life and you will be taken care of.