It’s 10:30pm. The radio plays your favorite song as you sing at the top of your lungs in the shower. The date is set for 11pm, as you run through your mind the possible outcomes of the date.
Last night you and Sarah hit it off at the club, you’re feeling good about the evening. The only problem was that you were pretty drunk, and you hope that you can bring the same energy that you brought last night. The date is set! Dinner and a movie, seems casual, right? That’s what they did back in the 60’s, it must work now.
You drive up to Sarah’s house and she jumps into your car. You start talking to her, but your nerves begin to get to you. Your voice is quiet when you speak, your eye contact is weak throughout the date. You speak with uncertainty, and the date rolls by with an awkward aura.
The date seems to crawl by, but Sarah’s hot and you want another shot at her. When dropping Sarah off, you ask for a second date.
Sarah: Thanks! This was fun, but I’m really not feeling it.
“That girl was a bitch, bro..”
I always find it funny when guys ask me what to say to girls. Fumbling for words is never a good thing, but it’s not the words that makes it bad, it’s the fumbling.
If you haven’t read my first book, check it out here. In the book I talk about how 93% of communication is non–verbal, and only 7% is verbal. That’s awesome, but how do you talk to girls and apply this knowledge? I can speak from experience by saying that when I wrote the book, I didn’t fully understand how to apply the concepts.
This week has been extremely good. Social Gym has brought a lot of valuable lessons, and I’ve learned more about the other 93% of communication in these past two weeks than I have in the past 10 months.
Over the course of the past 10 months, I’ve been avid in improving my body language. I have daily posture exercises, and I ensure that my movements are calculated and confident. The external actions have an effect on the internal state. A lot of people feel confident, so they have confident body language as a result. You can feel insecure, and have confident body language, and it will work it’s way outside in.
I’ve never understood the tonality part, though. 93% is non–verbal. Of that 93%, 55% is Body Language, but we’re still left with the dreaded 38% of communication that has the ability to make or break your social interactions.
Tonality can be broken down into four basic categories. These categories have room for development, but these are the basic four as a starting template. Each one of these four categories is circumstantial based on the way we act through our emotions, but you can use these different kinds of pitch ranges to elicit different reactions.
There is “Breaking Rapport” tonality, “Neutral” tonality, “Seeking Rapport” tonality, and “Monotone”.
Dogs don’t understand what you’re saying, but they understand how you’re saying it. If your dog takes a shit on your bed, you’re not going to welcome him in with your voice.
You’re going to scorn him for shitting on your bed.
Think of when your dad “isn’t yelling, but he’s raising his voice”. Breaking Rapport tonality means that you’re communicating with the other person that you don’t want something from them, in a way you want to scorn them. The vocal pitch in your voice curves downwards when you say something. “Hey!! You pooped on my bed!”As the dog runs and hides. Breaking rapport tonality comes out through emotion when one is angry, annoyed, pestered.
I hate talking to people with no vocal fluctuation. Think of the teacher that lectured for hours without raising or lowering his vocal pitch. He says the same thing, as if reading it directly off of a piece of paper. You may recall using this tonality when your parents told you to clean your room.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it.”
Monotone responses convey that you’re not at all interested in what the other person is saying, or in what you’re saying. Monotone tonality naturally comes out when one is disinterested, or distant.
You’re in the store at 5 years old and you see the toy that you want.
“Moooooommm! Cann I please have that??”
Seeking rapport tonality communicates that you want something from the other individual. Think of calling your dog with a warm, welcoming tone. Think of when you were young and you wanted something from the store, think of when your having a fight with your girlfriend.
“Babe, I’m sorry.”
Seeking Rapport tonality naturally comes out in times of nervousness, or when you’re anxious, and tends to be spoken from the throat instead of the chest. Seeking Rapport tonality always communicates that you want something from the other individual. It comes across weak and beta.
Neutral tonality is the best tonality to have. Neutral tonality fluctuates between breaking rapport, and seeking rapport. Neutral tonality is best communicated with a strong voice, speaking from the chest. Neutral is the best of all worlds. Neutral communicates that you’re emotionally stable.
Breaking rapport, seeking rapport, and monotone tonality is all based on emotional responses to situations. Breaking rapport communicates that you are angry, monotone communicates that you are disinterested, seeking rapport communicates that you are nervous and wants something.
Neutral tonality means that you are in control of your emotions, and although we tend to act through them, neutral tonality communicates that one is emotionally stable. You have a wide range of emotions, and being in control of your tonality at all times allows you to communicate the tonality that you want, instead of letting your emotions dictate your tonality.
Tonality in Conversation
Each one of the different types of tonality has situational relevance. I’ll go into other articles on this topic, but some quick examples are this.
Breaking Rapport tonality is best used in the club, when communicating with high value individuals. “Hey. I just had to meet you,” spoken with a bit of sternness communicates neutrality. By saying “hey, I had to meet you,” you’re communicating interest. The way you say it though, communicates that you don’t need something from them. This is best in nightclub scenarios, because high value individuals are usually approached with individuals seeking rapport. The weak vocal pitch mixed with an opener of interest communicates that one is a low value individual.
Neutral Rapport tonality is best used in 90% of social interactions. Staying emotionally stable is an attractive quality. Fluctuate between seeking rapport, and breaking rapport tonality. (Raise your vocal pitch, and lower your vocal pitch in conversation.)
Try it right now. Say “Hey, come here” with a stern voice, then say “Hey, come here” with a warm, welcoming voice. Then meet in the middle with a neutral tonality. “Hey, come here.” Approaching people in the day, neutral tonality is the best kind to use, because no one wants to be scorned (breaking rapport) when awoken from their daze, but nobody wants to talk to somebody who wants something from them (seeking rapport). You need to be making sure you’re calibrating your energy to the environment.
Seeking Rapport tonality always communicates nervousness. This is the tonality that 99% of men fall into when they’re first out meeting new people, or when they’re on a date and the nerves get to them. Their vocal pitch fluctuates upwards; and this communicates one is nervous, or uneasy.
Avoid Seeking Rapport, and Monotone tonality. 99% of men communicate by seeking rapport. Become aware of this flaw, and fix it in your voice right now. Anytime someone rejects you, isn’t listening to you, or turns away from you, this means that your tonality isn’t communicating the right amount of value to them. Tonality and body language is the easiest way to communicate value to another individual, for a man who speaks up with the thoughts on his mind is a man who is always listened to.
It Actually IS How You Say It
The words that come out of your mouth are only worth 7% of communication. This means that as long as you aren’t being crude and vulgar, the words are nearly irrelevant. It’s how you’re communicating those words, that makes or breaks your social interaction. 55% of communication is body language (message me for help here), 38% of communication is tonality, and 7% of communication is words.
These three elements of conversation combine into 100% which creates your vibe. Everyone talks about vibes, but no one’s been able to define them. Your vibe is all three elements of communication combined into one. Get a handle on the 93%, and the 7% will be nearly irrelevant. You want to send those good vibrations, and leave people feeling with positive emotions? It starts with the way you’re saying the things that you are saying to them. Fix your vibe, apply the theory in this article.
There’ll be more articles based around “vibe” in the coming weeks. Until then, “Up to This Point”, a book by Kingpin Social, is going to be sent to your e-mail inbox! Check the book for groundbreaking definitions on Social Dynamics, and how you can use these cheat codes to improve every area of your life.
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