My Thoughts on Hook – Ups

by Brian

busy menWhat do you want with your life?

This week has brought some interesting challenges, to be moderate with description. Moving out on my own, handling all the logistics, decorating my house and getting it set up. All in a matter of 2 days.

Last night at the Backalley I was met with an interesting challenge. The night rolled on, momentum building while meeting new strangers, until 12:30am came around and I started to loose momentum.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing well, it was that I wasn’t interested in talking to anyone that was around me. Since I’ve slowed on drinking completely, being sober and talking to drunk people isn’t the apple to my eye. Nonetheless,”I came here with Michael Casanova and Niko so I’m not going to go home yet,” I told myself.

I grabbed a water with a slice of lime and headed to the side of the dance floor. If I wasn’t going to be socializing, I may as well be people watching. I looked at the individual groups on the floor with interest; it’s funny how much you can see when you step back and open your eyes. I put the straw to my mouth to be greeted with the refreshing taste of water with squirted lime; the perfect throat remedy.

I wandered my gaze back towards the dance floor to be greeted with familiar eyes. One of my friends who I always see out when I’m venturing was looking towards me with her cute friend, I caught their glance and raised my eyebrows in sarcasm. They came towards me and started talking, these would be the girls I would spend the rest of the night with.

Going home alone was the plan, meeting new people was the mission. On the ride home Michael, Niko and I discussed the night when I came upon an interesting realization about time.

What Are YOU Doing With Yours?

I talked to Niko and Michael about one of the girls that I met tonight. She was a cool individual, had her feet on the ground and seemed to be centered. I was talking about going out for coffee with this girl.

Girl: I don’t know. You’re definitely a player.

I thought about the definition of a “player”, and I quickly took my stance against it. I’ve seen a player as an individual who lies and says whatever necessary to get the end game. I’ve seen this first hand, and my moral compass sets me off from this idea.

one night standThen I started thinking about the idea of hook ups, and I started wondering what the point of hook – ups are. Does anybody win? Beyond the short term climax, in the long run the internal individual does not benefit from hook ups. The man who goes around lying to get what he wants is an internally bruised individual, where the woman who gives herself away is simply looking for affection in any way she can find it.

Either way, nobody wins. I had a good friend tell me the other day that he had quit drinking, smoking marijuana, smoking, doing drugs, all for one reason.

Friend: I was sitting at home one day, and I asked myself. Smoking. Is it causing me to grow? No. Is it holding back my growth? Yes. Then I ran through this with every external element in my life, until I came to my conclusions on what I was going to continue, what I was going to start doing, and what I needed to stop.

This life is a journey, and on this journey you have two options. The first option is to do what you’ve always done, and to get what you’ve always gotten. The second option is to change something, and expect different results.

If you’re the man who hooks up with girls sporadically, hoping it’ll fix the internal sense of loneliness, it won’t. I’ve tried, personally. I can tell you that you may find someone to temporarily fill that void of loneliness, but if you insist on finding yourself in somebody else, you’ll forget to find yourself in yourself.

If you’re the woman who’s into short term hook ups, most men (quality or not) desire the mystery. From first hand experience and personal friend’s confidence, I can say that men are not looking for a girl who gives it up right away; physically or emotionally.

Hook – Ups, or Relationships?

What gave us this notion that hook – ups were the right move, anyways? When you’re laying on your death bed, and everything external has fallen away, are you going to remember the random you met on Friday night that you slept with, or are you going to remember that one special individual who’s love exists in your memories (if you let that person fade away), maybe the one who’s love exists in the present.

love winning

Life is short, time flies, and moments fade away. Spend your moments with love, compassion, affection and seek to develop yourself, finding someone else who has chosen to do the same. I believe that if two individuals are not growing together, they’re growing apart, and I believe that love conquers any short term, external connection I could ever foster.

About Brian
Brian is a firm believer in living in the present. Brian lives his life by the philosophy “Act for the future, not because of the past.” He is a passionate writer, a sober socialite and aspires to be a positive influence to everyone he interacts with. Read more about Brian here.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Olya November 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Sadly, people don’t stay attractive forever to maintain that type of life style. Most people grow and develop healthy relationships.

Trouble retaining companionship from the opposite sex outside of the bed is a choice, just as everything in life is a choice.The beauty of life is you get to decide if you want to be a happy, healthy individual or continue feeling lonely by having scattered interactions with meaningless partners.

Brian Mark November 5, 2011 at 7:38 pm

I agree with you Olya, when people don’t stay “attractive,” in the physical sense. However maintaining that type of lifestyle is always a choice, whether or not you grow up physically or not (Hugh Hefner, extreme example). Everything in life is a choice, and I agree with you when you say that it’s a choice between happiness and loneliness when you decide whether or not you want a relationship, or multiple hook ups.

The reason behind the multiple hook ups though, in my personal opinion, is a low self esteem. The guy dressed like he should be on Jersey Shore taking home the drunkest girl in the club, the girls at the bar going home with the first guy that gives them attention. They desire companionship, but they are unable to believe that somebody could like them internally (because they don’t like themselves internally), so they seek the highest form of external value (sex) which leads to short term happiness, long term loneliness.

Thanks for commenting 🙂

Md November 7, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Hi Brian!

As usual, you have a penchant for writing interesting articles. I really appreciate your perspective.

Firstly, why is it that the girl judged you as a player? In that case, it’s not really your fault as you have to have that form of extrovert personality to achieve your goals and connect with others.

Secondly, monogamy has two sides to it. An insecure person could just as easily try to hold on to a relationship and anchor on to it as if their life depended on it, or could substitute that sense of insecurity by having sex with multiple women and honing the craft of pickup simply to boost his ego.

The problem with monogamy is that as humans we don’t like getting bored. The addiction of love (butterfly effect on the stomach) is only temporary. The sooner you become comfortable with each other, the rush dies away. Looks fade. Annoyances show up.

The way I look at it, sex and relationships should not be relative to each other. I have a really good guy friend to the point where I see myself in him. We are even planning on moving in together in the future to share our interests, but his life does not depend on me and mine does not depend on him. Hence, if he has another friend, and I have another one, we won’t feel bad or go AWOL. Just like that, I can also try to have many friends who are women and with whom I share values, but I should not have to choose between them just because one stands out. I simply cannot determine who is that one since that one does not exist, but exists in everybody who have something to value.

In other words, sex is something which is based on attraction. You, yourself prefer hot girls. I just want to keep it till that instead of pretending that there is more than that. There is, but I won’t be lonely as long as I have a social circle and companionship in others. What do you think?

Brian November 7, 2011 at 9:58 pm

MD!

Appreciate the kind words.

The reason she judged me as a player, is because based on her perspective I am a player. Is it right or wrong to stereotype? Who is to decide, to me it is wrong but to her it is right, and we’re both right. Nonetheless, based on my perspective of player, I defended my stance. Because I was interested in a relationship with this girl (physical or non physical) I shared my point of view via article, and to her face.

Now for the most part I do agree with everything you say. “I won’t be lonely as long as I have a social circle and companionship in others” is a true statement, until you develop a passion. Once you develop a passion, you can be happy with or without others; as long as you carry your passion with you. Passion is a way of giving yourself value, because value is based on emotion. Your passion can give you a good emotion, so if you carry it with you, you’ll never be lonely.

I can take my laptop with me everywhere I go, and have my friend be my keyboard for the rest of my life and life a life full of companionship. I believe that one should never be lonely, and if they are they’re missing passion, (relationship with their selves) or relationships with others.

There is one thing though, that I didn’t completely agree on.

“The problem with monogamy is that as humans we don’t like getting bored. The addiction of love (butterfly effect on the stomach) is only temporary. The sooner you become comfortable with each other, the rush dies away. Looks fade. Annoyances show up. ”

I agree that we do not like getting bored, and if you are getting bored than the connection isn’t as solid as you thought it to be. You say addiction to love, but I do not agree that you can define love intellectually, as you did with the butterfly effect on the stomache. That fleeting feeling is temporary, but love never dies. Love can also never be explained intellectually, understood logically or worded efficiently.

I do believe in monogamy, once the feeling of a long – term connection becomes present. Monogamy isn’t for every girl that you date, because some girls aren’t right for you and forcing them to stay with you, and you with them, is never the right move for two individuals who lack compatibility.

Again, thanks for the comment 🙂

Summers November 8, 2011 at 2:20 am

My personal experience with hooking up has been quite unique. In highschool I was short, skinny and awkward. I was unattractive physically and a social outcast. Women never paid attention to me and I didn’t lose my viginity until I was 18 (my first kiss was at 17 and a half) Now things have changed a bit. My looks allow me to grab the attention of women fairly easily, my job certainly helps as well 😛 my sexual background always had me thinking that men were the chasers and women were to be chased. Men always seemed hornier and more vocal about it, and to have sex with a lady means that she deeply trusts you and wants your affection. Fast forward to present day and my thoughts have changed. I have women approach me all the time saying they just want sex with me (sober or drunk) and that they are horny and that is it. Like a release of sexual tension. If I am actively pursuing a girl without the intent to date her (even though I do want a girlfriend) I always make certain that I tell her my intentions so we are both clear and no one gets hurt. My point is, is that hookups don’t have to be bad for either party. Communication is important and in the end we are all just mammals 😛

You mentioned that while laying on your death bed who you would remember, that one girl on friday night or the love of your life. There is a movie quote where the actor is actually on his deathbed, and he says ” I wish I had of banged more chicks when I was younger”

Brian Mark November 8, 2011 at 4:21 pm

It seems to me that that’s the energy that you’re putting out there; a guy who’s into casual hook ups for “horny girls”.

I think our perspectives are a bit different, because although I think the sexual release is important, it’s irrellevant to the potential long – term emotion you feel if you ever do find “love”. What is love? I’m unable to define, intellectualize or understand it I can only feel it. You either feel it or you don’t.

In my personal experience,. I can say that the only reason that I was hooking up with girls was because when I was younger I used to be fat and ridiculed. As soon as I started working out, taking myself seriously and had the attention that I so desired, the tables had turned and I planned to take advantage of it. Hooking up, in the end, is part of the dating process. However if you are just in search of hook ups without any potential follow through, than you’re missing a key element in your relationships. Often times, when you don’t feel that dating is the right move, it’s because you, yourself, do not love yourself fully, or you haven’t gotten over a previous failed dating experience.

I did mention that laying in my death bed I would only remember those that I loved, and to the fake Hollywood actor from a random, unquoted movie I would say the same to him. You were missing a key element in your life; self love, love of others, respect of others. Anyone who is in touch with what makes them human, emotion, understands that “banging chicks” simply for the sake of “banging chicks” is literlally emotionally terrorising them,

These girls that you happen to bang, do you think that they’re emotionally stable? Who gives it up for a guy right away? The women who are emotionally off balance, and think that they need to give themselves physically before a man will accept them emotionally.

I appreciate the comment! I agree and disagree with your point, that hook – up’s don’t have to be bad for either party. I think any time spent hooking up though, is time that you could be spending doing more productive things. You spend what, 5 hours out at the club, 2 hours after the club, 1 hour having sex for a 5 second orgasm? I’d rather masturbate and get some work done. : )

Summers November 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I feel that relationships at a younger age are statistically doomed to fail. With hooking up I have found that it helps me to learn more about myself first, and secondly know what I want in a potential partner. There have been gorgeous girls that I have turned down because there was something about their personality that I was not attracted to. Physical sex has lead me to be more emotionally responsible for who I invest interest in, I don;t papow every single girl that walks up to me. I know exactly what I want in a woman and a relationship, just waiting until I find her instead of wasting time dating people just for the sake of not hooking up.

Love is simply a chemical reaction in the brain, it is a formula the mind makes to create the feeling of love. Scientifically it is easy to explain. To be happy I think you need to love yourself yes, but not in a conceited way obviously. From there you need to know what you want in life such as goals relationships etc. I think your reasoning that if a girl gives up sex right away she has to be emotionally unstable is unfair. It is called a healthy sex drive and a lot of people are finding out that meeting your fairytale prince or princess at a young age is unlikely to happen, although I am sure most of would like to meet the love of our life at an early age. In todays society that is unlikely to happen. Instead girls are starting to be more sexually expressive and do what they WANT, not some elaborate ploy to get affection from a stranger.

Brian November 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

They’re only statistically doomed to fail because, statistically, youthful minds lack experience. You can either get the experience by sleeping around, or by figuring out how to develop relationships by making the same mistake over and over again or you can choose to learn from you mistakes and learn how to develop relationships from a young age.

Statisically speaking, as youth we tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, sleeping with girls that mean nothing to us instead of pushing our comfort zones and going for quality women. Quality women are alot harder to talk to, alot harder to be around because quality girls are more aware of your “game” persay, and you have to be alot more real with them. If you don’t know who you are, it’s alot harder to be real around someone who expects authenticity.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, and scientifically it’s easy to explain but logically it can’t be intellectualized. You do need to know what you want in life, and a girl that doesn’t know what she wants is typically willing to sleep around until she finds it. What girl has a pipe dream of sleeping with random guys? Every girl grows up and wants to have a “prince” and, I personally disagree with your mindset when you say that people think that meeting your right person is unlikely at a wrong age. Because of previous experiences of OTHER PEOPLE, people don’t give themselves a chance to find “love” at a young age, based on societies notion that it takes time to find “love”. Love is a feeling, and you can find it whenever in life. Girls can be sexually expressive and do what they WANT, but I’m saying that’s not conducive to my goals of finding someone that does that with multiple people.

Hook ups in my opinion, are a physical expression instead of an emotional one. If one isn’t in touch with their emotions, and is able to block them out for the hook ups, that’s cool, but in my personal opinion it’s not the right move; because hooking up with someone purely for physical expression isn’t necessarily the idea that both people have in mind.

Some girls do want to find their “prince”, and they think that they can find it by sleeping around, where most guys are just looking to get their dick wet.

Win – Lose situation. Wrong move.

Thanks for commenting!

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