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304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
In the pick-up community, one of the very first mindsets you are taught is to “not give a fuck”. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work to some degree. Unfortunately I find this one mindset is used as massive justification to behave like a complete moron. It’s used as justification to run up to girls and “express yourself”.
Now don’t get me wrong… I completely agree that people in general care wayyyyy too much about what people think about them, so developing a mindset of “not giving a fuck” what people think about you can help a lot.
Unfortunately it has major flaws, some of which I only realized recently.
This epiphany came to light the other day when I was out for sushi with a few friends of mine. While waiting for others to get there, two of my closer friends began to “play drums” with their chopsticks. Using their chopsticks as drumsticks, they began to bang the table and their glasses to make beats. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with this, except we were in a public place and in that environment I believe it’s inappropriate.
Within minutes I was getting irritated, eventually to the point of asking them to stop. The response I got was shocking, and caused this epiphany to happen.
Friend: “Cam… just don’t give a fuck what other people think about you.”
Immediately I knew this was completely wrong. Giving a fuck about what people think about me had absolutely no relevance in why I was getting irritated. It was actually the complete opposite.
It had nothing to do with caring what other people thought, but actually giving a fuck what people thought.
The reason you shouldn’t give a fuck what people think about you is because you need to be internally validated. You need to draw your self-worth from within. This much is obvious and you’ve heard this for years no doubt.
It’s not a matter of other people’s opinions affecting your view of yourself, but your view of yourself affecting yourself.
If you are internally validated, and you aren’t maintaining personal integrity, than your self-worth will hurt because of it. (I actually did a video blog on this topic, find the link below.) This is why when my friends were annoying other people at the sushi restaurant – and in doing so disrespecting my core values of respect, being courteous, etc – I took it personally.
I feel fortunate to have been raised by parents who were able to teach me these basic lessons of courtesy and respect for others. There are too many people out there less fortunate. I don’t hold it against them, but I do my best to help bridge that gap.
Ultimately this all comes down to one question: Are you bringing value or taking value? The world really does come down to that question. You can never go wrong by bringing value at all times. By being obnoxious in a public place, you are making the experience of others worse, thus taking value.
It’s about knowing when to give a fuck and when not to give a fuck. Someone’s view of yourself should have no barring on your self-worth, because you should be internally validated. But everyone’s opinion is feedback, and when it’s negative you should take it seriously. How do other people perceive your behavior? Are you expressing yourself or just being an idiot? Is this an environment where I can get a bit wild and not be taking value from others around me?
The “not giving a fuck” attitude is one of the stupidest concepts the pick-up community teaches you. START giving a fuck. Become internally validated and use people’s opinions as feedback: are you moving in the right or wrong direction? Are you maintaining your personal integrity? Do you have core morals and values to set your personal integrity standard? Are you expressing these core values and being congruent to them? Are you able to be assertive when outside forces are affecting this?
All of this ties into your boundaries, which I’ve talked about here.
What is one area you can be more assertive in maintaining personal integrity? Share it with me by commenting below. I’d love to hear your side of the story. Also share this post with your friends, because doing so makes you a G.
PS. Jamie from A Devoted Shift said she would bake cookies for anybody that shares this post on Facebook. E-mail her for free cookies: firstname.lastname@example.org
This is an excellent point that you have touched on and I’m glad you did Cam. I had the same realization about a year ago. The concept of “not giving a fuck” was plastered in my mind by the community and I ran with it. It was the polar opposite of how I was raised and the values that were instilled in me. To a certain extent, it makes complete sense but it is easy to take it too far and screw up one’s integrity.
I realized the foolishness of “not giving a fuck” when I was hanging out with a friend. I was inebriated at the time so I was running my mouth off being rather obnoxious. He asked me to shut up and told me I was annoying. My immediate response was telling him that I did not give a fuck of what he thought of me. Immediately I regretted saying that as I DO give a fuck of what my friends and family think of me. I got too caught up in pleasing myself by doing whatever I felt like not realizing the pain I was causing others. I knew at that point that “not giving a fuck” is flawed.
I couldn’t imagine what this world would be like if it lacked compassion, empathy and respect towards our fellow brothers and sisters. Apathy has value only when the situation is truly valueless. There are so many things in this world that matter and should be cared about. Family, friends and strangers matter because by not giving value to their opinions is simply saying that you are better than them and that they do not matter. This is a high horse that I came off of because I realized that my favorite people in this world are those that are humble and genuinely care for others.
Manners do have a place in this world. I do honestly enjoy being outgoing and energetic but I hate myself whenever I reach the point of being obnoxious. I like what Cam had to say about using other people’s opinions as feedback. If someone tells me that I’m being a dick and its true, that bothers me because I know I am better than that.
As for a goal for personal integrity… I have a nasty habit of being tardy for things. I’m going to start being punctual or early for things because by showing up late it is saying that their time is less valuable than your time.
Thanks for the post Cam.
I gotta say that I agree with you Cam. Your friends were being stupid in the game. What they were doing was not increasing attraction in their petty little I don’t give a fuck moment.
Uncool behavior does not do well in the game. Not giving a fuck may empower former shy guys and nerds out of their shells but what was in the shell to begin with? Someone who has not worked on their inner game and self esteem. So you get that weird type of behavior at strange and inappropriate times from these pua guys.
this reminds me of something I heard and re-learnt from the Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan
at his show here in NOv 2010 at rexall
“a pack leader demonstrates and has empathy and compassion for his pack”
what? so if you’re trying to give off the most positive vibe possible,
while at the same time letting nothing really affect you too hard, negative or positive…
why care about what other’s think?
if you are vibing positive, it really has meaning and really reaches magic levels,
when it is with other people,
in other words, connect, and move forward,
take everybody forward…
if you have any respect or don’t care for anybody else, or others,
forget pick up, getting strong, doing amazing good, or even grabbing the ladies….
that’s what I say….
I can’t emphasize enough this one point, I now have one year of making videos about this under my belt on this theme, and intend to continue the rest of my life on at least, this one point:
be the leader of men by protecting your loved ones which means expressing yourself, and successfully taking risks, for the pack’s benefit.
These are 4 of Mysteries 5 base points he recommends for DHV’ing.
I thought it was interesting and tried to incorporate this into the things I said after hearing it…
little did I know that it was time for me to actually do this as physically much as possible with my real loved ones.
Conceptually these ideas are important. Practically, they are at the very core of either having a beautiful life or having a painful sad one.
I lost a very close person to me, a VIP loved one, from the physical world July 20th 2010, and decided to stay away from “game” and learning about love for a year.
Now I am cheerfully back, and really really really, as a person with a bit of experience in this life:
=protect your loved ones. Lead, take chances to do it and get it done, when it is not working. Empathize and be compassionate. Express yourself.
So, if you actually do that, and of course there is still one more point on Mystery’s top 5,
however, if you do that you will not only get the amazing woman, you will also have your loved ones in tip top shape and with you, and that is an excellent formula for a beautiful life.
I have many cousins and the ones with the super hot women and amazing lives are doing this.
I have the magical skill of supremely intensely pissing off people without otherwise obviously provoking them…hahaha
I have at other times pissed others off, knowingly on purpose…I now believe that life is way too short for drama and friction with unknown people or even with “enemies”.
Fly by the stupidity, right over it, and away from it.
If you can help out and do good, by all means, if not, don’t even get close to it.
there. My opinion on the matter. Sort of. Congrats Cam on your idea to stop drinking. I’ve been 14 years now with no alcohol, pot, dope, and have learnt how to party like a super happy maniac without it and do many other super cool things without it and better,
That shit was one of the 2 major factors that killed my only brother. Divorced our family when we were tykes, and put my grandma in misery for about 25 years, before she too beat it.
Artists hahahaha. I hope these words might be of help to another human.
Theo – Thanks for the comment. It’s just one (of many) concepts in the community that have a lot of good in them, but when combined with massive egos needing justification, they end up causing a ton of harm.
I’m sure the original idea behind “not giving a fuck” was exactly what it should be used for: not being affected by someone else’s opinion of you, but still using it as feedback. I believe that every day you should be growing into a better person. “Not giving a fuck” is part of that, but only combined with “really giving a fuck”. It’s like how you need to be able to give value, but also receive value. Taking value is never a good move, but receiving value isn’t negative either. You can’t just give give give, but taking is a really bad word.
Something I forgot to mention in the article was (that hopefully still came across by peoples ability to connect dots) is that when you say “i don’t give a fuck” it really is just a front. Like you said, you don’t actually believe that, because you DO give a fuck. You are just trying to protect your ego. Fronting is a big part of being fake. I don’t think anybody who gets into the community for good intentions wants to become fake. And I’m sure you can see (as I believe this to be true for myself AND you as well), that there are so many guys who get into the community for good reasons.
Player Supreme – Thanks for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it. I agree it can be a good way to break out of your shell, but there can be wayyy more effective ways of doing that. Self-esteem is the key. I really like the discussion of confidence vs. self-esteem. “Not giving a fuck” is another example of how confidence is flawed compared to self-esteem. You can be highly confident, but still lack a significant amount of self-esteem. Hope to hear from you again.
Kevin – Long time no talk TKO! Happy to hear from you. Really happy to hear that you are continuing down the right path of giving off positive vibes and taking everybody forward. When you are being a positive influence on the world, women will come into your life, and these women will be on the same core that you are: one of giving value, living with passion, purpose and compassion. Living to live, love, and have fun. 🙂
14 years of sobriety is impressive. I’m proud of you. Hope to see you down south soon. Beers on the beach on me. 🙂
I don’t give a fuck at all guys…
But after that I see my vision, believe in it, push hard everyday because this worlds fucked up so its me against it…
So I don’t give a fuck about anything else but what I set out to do….
Don’t give a fuck, but play it smart.
Hey Mike, good advice. I like what you mentioned about vision! Thanks for checking out the article.
Thanks for every other magnificent post. Where else may just anybody get that type of information in such a perfect method of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I’m on the search for such information.
Fuck all of you why should we give a fuck most of you out there are stupid fucking morons
Il give you guys my honest opinion, of why not giving a F***! is revolutionary. Its not just about other people judging you. Iv had friends who would try to control me, tell me to do things that didnt embarrass them, for example eating fast in public, accidentally dropping food. I got bullied everyday and because I made the mistake to believe that these people are my only friends I got hurt and I was in their control. Not giving a fuck doesnt mean not caring at all. Its just stop caring about people who are dragging you down to the ground. Obviously care for your family and loved ones, but why take the time to care about someone who doesnt even care about you? BY not giving a f**** you can create yourself, so what the public criticizes you. Insecurities are born and nurtured because of giving a f**** about other peoples critics. Let go and create your path, build your road to success. Stop worrying about other people pretty sure your old enough ignore it. If your friends play drums who cares. Your getting irritated cause your giving a f**** about them. Which made you write this article lmao.
“Not giving a fuck” means ignoring or holding to no standard what anyone comments about your life choices that don’t affect their life in any way. This does not mean giving up on manners, common courtesy and respect of your fellow man. Truly “not giving a fuck” means being keenly aware of the difference between these instead of using them to shoddily justify behaving like a child.
Someone laughs at you for dying your hair pink? Don’t give a fuck.
You make noise and act irritatingly in a restaurant – a place where people pay to be allowed to eat good food and enjoy the atmosphere? If you get thrown out, I’ll give a standing ovation and leave a big tip.