Categories
Mental Performance Relationships

Don’t be Her Therapist, Bro.

Every time I travel, I continue to realize one thing: Generally… people are good people. Because of this, some people like to take advantage of it. A common example is the friend who only calls you when they are going through something and need advice. Have you ever had a friend like this? I know I have. Growing up I was naturally very perceptive; I could see through problems and give solid advice. (big surprise hey?)

But what if you actually like the girl? What if you want a better relationship than one where she only calls you to talk about her problems… even if that means you are only looking for a friendship and not necessarily something romantic. This post is for you.

The other night while having sushi with a good friend of mine, he asked me my opinion on this exact situation. He’s interested in a girl but the only time they talk it involves her asking for advice from him. He isn’t even stuck in the friend zone, he’s stuck being her fucking therapist. The lowest of the low if you ask me.

therapist

So my friend asked me how I thought he should approach the situation if he’s looking to hang out with her and not talk about her problems all day. The problem is this: she doesn’t understand what he perceives as valuable… or…. she doesn’t value the relationship.

The solution is simple.

First you need to identify whether or not she is interested in having a real friendship. You do this simply by letting her know you’re interested in hanging out with her outside of a phone call, as friends. You can also let her know you think she’s great and you know she is a lot more fun than what you’ve seen so far. Let her know you want to see that side of her.

Once this is established, you need to take responsibility for the situation and do your part in bringing awareness to her on what you perceive as valuable. If she doesn’t understand what you perceive as value, how can she bring you value? It’s up to you.

Now that she understands what you perceive as value, the value exchange can begin. If you’ve talked to her properly, you can approach this situation just like you would with any friend. Bring value freely and they will as well. If not, let them know what’s up, but remember it’s up to you to take responsibility. There is no sense in putting the blame on anybody else. Do your part.

personal boundariesAlso understand that you need to set your boundaries. You aren’t there to be someone’s therapist; you are there to be a friend. That line can be blurry sometimes. Drama and negativity wastes a ton of mental energy, so don’t forget to live drama free by setting proper boundaries.

At the end of the day, you have to be able to assert your influence and form the type of relationship you want, but it takes two to tango. If she’s just looking for a shoulder to cry on and isn’t going to be a willing participant in a healthy friendship, then have the strength to cut your losses and move on. There are 7 billion people in the world; you don’t have to settle for anybody. You have an unlimited amount of options if you go out there and take advantage of it. You could easily meet a new friend by saying hi to someone new at your local Starbucks, or inviting the cute girl you sit next to in university to grab coffee after class.

At the end of the day, the only thing worse than being in the friend zone is being her therapist… so don’t be her therapist bro.

Hope that helps everybody out. If it did, please share it with your friends. Life is all about the actions that you take. One you can take right now, that will make a serious difference in your life is to subscribe below. We aren’t here to spam you or waste your time. We’re here to help you live the baddest mother fucking life you can, and if you allow yourself to put some faith into what we teach, that will happen for you. Seriously. I only know this because it’s happened for me, and for other people I’ve taught.

Categories
Mental Performance

Why Not Giving a Fuck is Stupid as Fuck

Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

In the pick-up community, one of the very first mindsets you are taught is to “not give a fuck”. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work to some degree. Unfortunately I find this one mindset is used as massive justification to behave like a complete moron. It’s used as justification to run up to girls and “express yourself”.

Now don’t get me wrong… I completely agree that people in general care wayyyyy too much about what people think about them, so developing a mindset of “not giving a fuck” what people think about you can help a lot.

Unfortunately it has major flaws, some of which I only realized recently.

This epiphany came to light the other day when I was out for sushi with a few friends of mine. While waiting for others to get there, two of my closer friends began to “play drums” with their chopsticks. Using their chopsticks as drumsticks, they began to bang the table and their glasses to make beats. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with this, except we were in a public place and in that environment I believe it’s inappropriate.

Within minutes I was getting irritated, eventually to the point of asking them to stop. The response I got was shocking, and caused this epiphany to happen.

The Response:

Friend: “Cam… just don’t give a fuck what other people think about you.”

Immediately I knew this was completely wrong. Giving a fuck about what people think about me had absolutely no relevance in why I was getting irritated. It was actually the complete opposite.

It had nothing to do with caring what other people thought, but actually giving a fuck what people thought.

The reason you shouldn’t give a fuck what people think about you is because you need to be internally validated. You need to draw your self-worth from within. This much is obvious and you’ve heard this for years no doubt.

It’s not a matter of other people’s opinions affecting your view of yourself, but your view of yourself affecting yourself.

Make sense?

If you are internally validated, and you aren’t maintaining personal integrity, than your self-worth will hurt because of it. (I actually did a video blog on this topic, find the link below.) This is why when my friends were annoying other people at the sushi restaurant – and in doing so disrespecting my core values of respect, being courteous, etc – I took it personally.

I feel fortunate to have been raised by parents who were able to teach me these basic lessons of courtesy and respect for others. There are too many people out there less fortunate. I don’t hold it against them, but I do my best to help bridge that gap.

Ultimately this all comes down to one question: Are you bringing value or taking value? The world really does come down to that question. You can never go wrong by bringing value at all times. By being obnoxious in a public place, you are making the experience of others worse, thus taking value.

It’s about knowing when to give a fuck and when not to give a fuck. Someone’s view of yourself should have no barring on your self-worth, because you should be internally validated. But everyone’s opinion is feedback, and when it’s negative you should take it seriously. How do other people perceive your behavior? Are you expressing yourself or just being an idiot? Is this an environment where I can get a bit wild and not be taking value from others around me?

The “not giving a fuck” attitude is one of the stupidest concepts the pick-up community teaches you. START giving a fuck. Become internally validated and use people’s opinions as feedback: are you moving in the right or wrong direction? Are you maintaining your personal integrity? Do you have core morals and values to set your personal integrity standard? Are you expressing these core values and being congruent to them? Are you able to be assertive when outside forces are affecting this?

All of this ties into your boundaries, which I’ve talked about here.

What is one area you can be more assertive in maintaining personal integrity? Share it with me by commenting below. I’d love to hear your side of the story. Also share this post with your friends, because doing so makes you a G.

PS. Jamie from A Devoted Shift said she would bake cookies for anybody that shares this post on Facebook. E-mail her for free cookies: adevotedshift@live.ca

PEEACE.

Categories
Lifestyle

The Secret to Living Drama Free

no dramaAnybody else sick of fucking drama?

I know I am.

It’s like living life in peace is no longer the default. That’s fucked up.

We all know life comes down to the choices you make. And if you didn’t welcome to a new reality.

Since 2008 I have made the choice to cut ALL drama out of my life. Straight up.

And believe me, having drama in your life is absolutely a choice.

I made the choice to live drama-free after I lost five of my best friends to some silly drama. What I found the most ridiculous about that situation was that the problem was only between one friend and myself. Nobody else had to get involved, but naturally, certain types of people will join in the battle, instead of staying off to the side like they could. This made me realize something I still believe today:

Certain people want drama. They chase it.

Why? Because it makes them feel alive. It makes them feel like they matter. (They don’t.)

Need more proof?

How many people do you know that follow celebrity news? How many millions of dollars are made in the gossip magazine industry? Or TV shows like “Entertainment Tonight”? How many people have jobs as paparazzi – their only job to invade peoples privacy for a journalist to use as “evidence” to sell some bullshit story, and with it, more magazines.

I think the point is proven.

So what do we do with these types of people?

There’s only one choice: you have to cut them out of your life entirely. Set the boundary. Make it black or white. No gray area. No debate. This cannot be open for discussion. (More on setting boundaries in a video blog I did, which you can view by clicking here or scrolling down.)

Think about it like this: if you are the average of your five closest friends (as Brian talks about him his book – you can download it for free here), and one of them causes drama, that brings your stock down. Let’s push it further: Just like you are the average of your five closest friends, the concept also applies to your friends. So if they have a friend who causes drama, it brings their stock down, and with it, yours.

Institute a NO DRAMA policy.

No ifs, ands or buts. If someone causes drama, be a man (or woman) and let them know that it is not accepted and will not be tolerated. You value them as a friend which is why you are giving them the heads up. If it happens again, adios!

The friends I eventually cut out were given the heads up, and when drama happened again, I didn’t even contact them. The relationship was ended. I didn’t need to notify them. They called, I didn’t call back. They texted, I didn’t text back. I deleted them off Facebook if I needed to. Of course you could say some of these are drastic measures… but I don’t give a fuck. It’s my life and with a zero tolerance policy for drama, drastic measures need to be taken. Otherwise you end up having to deal with bullshit problems time and time again.

I value my time and my life more than that.

One more thing before I go: Being the middleman still counts. If there is drama between two friends, you can stay out of it. OR you can let them both know that this is affecting your relationships, which means it’s affecting you, and they need to figure out a solution that works, because you have no tolerance for drama in any way in your life! Be assertive; let them know what’s up.

Apply this principle today and enjoy living your life with as little drama as possible. It will never go away fully, but you can have a serious impact on the amount you have to deal with, and every time unavoidable drama comes up, dealing with it is a piece of cake.

Good luck, and hit me up in the comments section below! Let’s talk about this more. If you enjoyed the post, please share it with your friends! Let’s get more people involved in improving their lives!

Here’s a video blog I did on the topic of setting boundaries: