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This past week I received an e-mail from a reader regarding their unhappiness. Their story really hit home with me as I had actually experienced a similar situation when I was younger. I realized that through this particular persons experience as well as my own we could help others who may be facing it silently. Here is my reply back to the reader on why it’s important to focus on yourself and be aware of how jealousy really affects you and your relationship.
By the extent and depth of your e-mail it really sounds like you are serious about making a change in your life and you are aware of the things that are making you are unhappy. By the flow of the e-mail it also seems like you may have discovered a lot by writing it. Typically when we write we allow our true inner self shine by letting what comes to mind flow on the paper or screen. I have a lot of revelations with writing myself and I encourage you to keep writing.
I understand that you’re scared because you probably already have an idea of what needs to change and change is never easy. Understand that you are reaching out because some part of you does have the drive and motivation to make a change. It’s my job as a coach to be as direct as possible based on my own personal experience as well as my clients experience. My information is very direct and I will try to explain this the best way I can. It may be a lot of tough love but this is the advice I wish I had heard when I was in the same position. I had to learn all of this the long-hard-emotional way and I honestly wish someone had given me the insight I have now.
Assertiveness & Awareness
Firstly- Awareness is key into making changes but you also need to be Assertive. You have probably seen these two concepts come up in a lot of our articles on the blog. You need to be assertive moving forward in order to make the changes necessary to make yourself happy. You’re happiness comes first above all other things, including your significant other. If you are unhappy in some way than you are unable to give 100% to all of your relationships and it will greatly impact those around you. If you are unhappy it will surely affect your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend. So your happiness needs to be on your highest priority in order to have those healthy relationships and to live a life that feels whole.
The missing puzzle piece is very obvious as you stated it with clarity- you really want a a larger Social Circle. But as I understand you are fearful of losing your partner. You wanting to be more social and going out with your friends shouldn’t be an issue and that boils down to your partners insecurities and trust issues. A healthy relationship doesn’t constrict you in any way. Someone who is secure and wants you to have the best life possible will be supportive in you wanting to be with your friends and yes… even going out. He/She shouldn’t be upset that you are going out, they should be happy for you that you are going out to have fun and spend time with your friends and vice versa.
Heres an excerpt on love and jealousy/possessiveness for more insight:
“Don’t be possessive, because whenever you are possessive you simply show that you are a beggar. Whenever you try to possess, you simply show that you don’t possess it; otherwise there is no effort. You are the master. There is no need to try for it.
For example, if you love a person: if you try to possess the person, then you don’t love him. You are also not certain about his love. That’s why you create all safety measures, surround him by every trick, by cunningness, by cleverness, so that he cannot leave you. But you are killing love. Love is freedom, love gives freedom, love lives in freedom. Love is, in its intrinsic core, freedom. You will destroy the whole thing.
If you really love, there is no need to possess. – Osho
Take Full Responsibility For Your Unhappiness
In Social Dynamics we talk about taking full responsibility for our actions and outcomes in relationships. So you must take full responsibility in the fact that your partner being jealous is equally your fault as theirs. This might be a little confusing. His/Hers insecurities is their own fault but for you to allow those insecurities to dictact your life and affect your other relationships is your own. You have complete control over your life and you allowed him/her to make you feel guilty and you allowed to let yourself feel guilty. Wanting to have friends and to go out isn’t wrong at all. We are social creatures and we want to create those connections. You feel excluded cause you excluded yourself. It’s not your friends responsibility to keep you involved if you aren’t giving back to those relationships or making a conscious effort. As I said I was in a similar circumstance and it took me a long time to realize that the reasons why my friendships kind of came and went was because I didn’t put in the necessary time it took to create long lasting relationships. I spent so much time with my boyfriend and his friends that I totally neglected my own. If you want to rekindle your old relationships then it starts with you.
Be assertive- call them up and schedule a time that you can meet and catch up. Then after that meeting make sure you follow up with them and set another time to hang out. Take full control of your life and your happiness… No one else will do it for you. I know you’re smart and you want the right things so go after them. People who are in relationships tend to lose their friends because when you really care about someone you really want to spend a lot of time with them. But those moments apart are really important as well. You still need to live separate lives and have separate friends. You may have that awareness of that but being assertive means you will follow through with your beliefs and values.
Your partner has a huge impact on your happiness when he/she is being jealous and jealousy comes from one place- Insecurity. I was here before, and I can definitely say there is a way around that obstacle but unfortunately you can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself, and if he/she doesn’t follow lead then you need to recognize that people who aren’t actively trying to get better will only drag you behind. Jealousy can be flattering but ultimately it is a characteristic that will hurt your relationship in the long run if it isn’t dealt with. You can’t ignore your happiness, and your partner can’t ignore the things you need in order to be happy. Your happiness comes first and foremost, and you are 100% deserving of that happiness.
Where to start
CALL your old friends and re-build the friendship you have already started: set up a time to meet and catch up, I would also apologize and tell them how much you care about them.
Schedule Time For Friends: after you catch up, make sure you follow through on your commitments with them and make time for them. Literally schedule it in to your calendar as soon as possible and stay integral. Use Google Calendar. Seriously one of the best thing I have done for myself. Here’s a blog post by Cam on how to use Google Calendar to take your lifestyle to the next level.
Stay In Contact Weekly: Phones calls, text messages, facebook, etc.Work On Self-Love: Work on yourself and your insecurities. You stated that you haven’t really been single, you are always in a relationship (I did the same thing) and that usually stems from a fear of being alone among other things. This will help you with the jealousy and allow for you to grow in to a stronger confident woman. Here’s a blog post I wrote on self love that covers this topic on a more broad scale.
http://devotedshift.com/blog/
Allow Yourself To Be Happy: Do the things you want in order to be happy, go out with your friends with out guilt and zero apologies cause you deserve to have fun – you’re young! You’re a good person and you care about your boyfriend/girlfriend and he/she worrying about you going out stems from being too insecure. You can’t hold his/her hand to make him/her feel better- he/she needs to work on that himself/herself and build his/her self esteem as well. Just do you and your partner will follow lead if he/she is a quality guy/girl.
Don’t Make The Mistake Twice: Don’t allow yourself to lose contact with your friends again, take responsibility and be assertive. This shows that you care about them and you’re taking yourself seriously in your happiness.Friends and wanting to go out is a part of life and you should never guilt yourself in to thinking you are doing something wrong. You’re young, enjoy it :)Please feel free to email me back with any questions. I am also free to meet up for coffee. I’m here if you need anything so don’t hesitate to message me at any time. Your happiness is important to me and I want to see you grow and be happy. It all starts with you!
In love and light,
J
Well written Jamie!
I recognise certain aspects of the situations you’ve mentioned and that means I need to work on that myself in order to be more happy with myself and being happy in general.
It’s nice to see confirmation about the things I already had in my mind, this only makes me pursue for a more complete acceptance of myself and putting my own happiness first.
Thanks Jamie (:
A study by Amy Muise, Emily Christofides, and Serge Desmariais (2009) at the University of Guelph suggests that more Facebook use leads to more jealousy in close relationships. They found that people in relationships who reported spend- ing more time looking at each other’s Facebook pages also reported experiencing more feelings of jealousy based on what they were seeing on their partner’s Facebook page. In essence, this research suggests that if your partner sees things on your Facebook page (or someone else’s Facebook page) that are somewhat ambiguous, he or she may react with jealousy.
What is your opinion on this Jamie? Although these are trends not rules, I think it warrants some discussion.
🙂
Might be worth noting a potential correlative rather than causative relationship between the jealousy and the time spent on facebook but the study doesn’t discuss which data relationship is prevalent.
Hey Raph.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I couldn’t agree more that this post illustrates well the areas that everyone can relate to around jealousy. Having jealous tendencies doesn’t have to be something to beat yourself up about. I’ve been there too and for a long time I was incredibly jealous in my relationships. But through working on myself and working on this issue I can happily say I’ve made significant progress on that front. 🙂