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“I’m going to lose 10 pounds of fat by the end of the summer!” Your friend exclaims to you in exhilaration. You support her, she sounds like she’s going after this goal. The fact that she’s set a goal too, man. Props. Most people don’t make it that far. Usually, people don’t set goals because they want to avoid the disappointment of a failed goal.
You notice your friend not telling only you, but telling everyone around you about her plan to lose 10 pounds. It seems the conversation never lives in the moment, she always finds a way to bring up her plan of losing 10 pounds in conversation. July rolls by and you don’t see any sign of success in your compadre, The August days pass like hours in a single day. The end of the summer rolls around and you ask your friend how her goal went.
“Man! This summer just got so busy that it was hard to focus on my goals.”
A month ago I wrote an article on “The Reason for ALL of Your Failed Goals”. In this article, I talked about Validation by Language, and Validation by Process.
In the past few days in deep conversation with Kingpin Social Instructor Kevin Choo, we’ve brought more clarity to Validation by Language. In the past couple of days, we’ve discovered the three forms in which Validation by Language exists, and the entity that it fuels.
Validation by Language exists to maintain good emotions. Validation by Language exists to maintain positive emotions when one slacks on the long term process of working towards things that they want to get done. Validation by Language exists in memories, when one tells stories of the past to justify slacking off in the present moment. Validation by Language exists in the present, when one points out the insecurities in others to remove the spotlight of the insecurities of themselves. Validation by Language also exists in the future, preaching stories of vision without any present – moment action.
The failed athlete has stories of his past to validate his identity as an athlete. “I used to be a star, man. You should have seen my tapes.” We all have a vision of what we ought to be, and if that image isn’t being fulfilled in the present moment, through process, we validate our identity through language. This type of identity validation is short term, because there’s only so long that people will listen to your stories of games played before they get sick of hearing them.
The insecure bully points out the flaws in others, to avoid the environment hating on the bully. In social situations there is always a “social ladder” whether we choose to be aware of it or not. This social ladder has the people who are the highest value on the top, and the lowest value at the bottom. Think on a movie set. Brad Pitt walks in to the room. Brad Pitt is on the top of the social ladder, the Janitor in the room is at the bottom of the social ladder.
The insecure bully has a low sense of self worth, so he gets his validation by language through putting others at the bottom of the social ladder with humor. This only lasts so long, if the environment feels bad for the victim than it is the bully that will lose.
The intelligent bully, however, instills positive emotion while pointing out the flaw in others. Think of the funny asshole in high school, the guy who makes fun of other people at work and gets laughs. The external world may react to him, and give him validation by language, but on the inside that is the man that has the lowest sense of self worth. The validation by language this man receives is enough to justify slacking off on the process of the present moment.
This is the third type of Validation by Language, and this is the kind I wrote the previous article for. This type of Validation by Language means that one is telling their plans of future goals, aspirations, long term processes.
As soon as one receives validation for their long term goals, their aspirations, their dreams, that short term validation is enough to slack off on the process of the moment. Achieving your goals is hard, in the moment. Talking about achieving your goals is easy. Talking about becoming that person you want to be is easy, becoming that person is never as easy.
Truth is, validation by language and validation by process both exist in the moment. They’re also both short term. The moment that you start the process is just a moment, you must continue to make those decisions to stick to the process instead of tell your story. As soon as you catch yourself telling your story, it means that you’re slacking off on the process of achieving your goals, your dreams, your aspirations.
You can’t do both, over the long term. Dedicating yourself to growing over the long term isn’t easy, in the moment. It means that you’ve got to make self sacrifices, you’ve got to say “no” to some people, you’ve got to rid yourself of moments of instant pleasure. Instant pleasure is long term pain, because anything that’s worth your time is worth the long term process.
The “long term process” isn’t a long term process, though. It’s two things. It’s long term, and it’s a process. If you want to start the process of achieving your goals, becoming who you want to be, start the process. Understand that it’s only the start. The process never ends, because it is not an outcome. Life is a journey, not a destination.
Starting on your own is never easy, especially if you’re setting goals without a vision in mind. Is your vision what you want it to be? This moment that you’re reading this article, your mind makes a decision. That decision is to read it, go “that was interesting” and go back on Facebook, or message me and ask me how you can get started on a long term process. Ask me how you can become validated by process, instead of by language.
The best part about becoming validated by process, is that you don’t need to be validated by anybody. Why would you care what anybody thought of you, if you were doing what you loved with your life? Doing what you want with your life means that you’re experiencing a deep – rooted emotion called happiness.
Human beings are emotional creatures, it is the universal language that ties us all together. Asian, Korean, Chinese, doesn’t matter. We all understand emotion, and it is the most effective means of communication. An individual with deep – rooted happiness is a High Value individual. A High Value individual benefits in this external world by getting raises, promotions, job opportunities, dating opportunities, and prospers in any part of humanity that involves talking to another person.
The best part? You don’t need the approval of anybody, if you have the approval of yourself. Send me a message today, and start becoming validated by process, and learn how to do it from people who are happy to share their knowledge.
**** Up to This Point, a book by Kingpin Social has been released! This book dives into the cheat codes of the Social World that we live in today. With theory tried and field tested, Up to This Point gives you the step by step process to improving every relationship in your life. Download the book here. ***