What You Are Actually After, And How to Stop Wasting Your Time Doing Stupid Shit

Yo!

For the last three years I have been a full-time instructor for the company I founded with Kevin Choo, Kingpin Social. The program we offer is a 3-day intensive: “The Bootcamp.” It’s called a bootcamp because it is intense. Three days and twenty-four hours of personalized Social Dynamics training. Time and time again, I’ve seen the bootcamp change lives. I have taught over 100 bootcamps, many here in my hometown of Calgary, Canada, and others internationally.

Every bootcamp starts the same. We sit down for a value filled discussion about Social Dynamics and how to apply it to your own life. It’s a discussion because we are talking about you, with you, instead of merely to you. It’s a discussion not a lecture. How could a course be personalized if the teacher wasn’t applying each concept to you, personally, instead of to you as a generalized member of society? For us to personalize it to you, we need you to take part as well!

The discussion lasts between two to four hours. But theory without action is just mental masturbation, and mental masturbation is worthless. I’m not in the business of teaching people how to be worthless. So after this discussion, we go out and apply the concepts in a real-life real-time setting. Talk about intense. “To the lions you go!” Wow, that sounded really gay. Bootcamp isn’t gay at all. It’s fucking badass. And there’s no better way to improve your social skills than having a coach right there beside you, watching you interact, seeing your body language, hearing your tonality, feeling your vibe. It’s no different than working out with a personal trainer, or having a tutor in school.

The world is a social place. If you understand the social side of your life, you have a major advantage. Having that advantage only makes sense. So it only makes that much more sense to learn from someone who understands it better. Just like people already do at school, in the gym, or in sports. Why not in your social life? That is where the bootcamp comes in.

Because every bootcamp involves different people, new students taking the program and a fresh set of people walking about or partying at the popular nightspots, no bootcamp can be the same. Each one is unique. Every day of “work” different than the next. Talk about a sick job. It is.

People take the program for one reason only: they want to improve.

This means every bootcamp I teach, I have an intense focus to push these guys (or girls) as far as they can go. I want them to see results. Not only is this how my business makes money, but there is no feeling better in the world than seeing someone improve. “Nothing inspires me more than inspiring someone else.” as @Chris_Dowsett says.

By showing our students results, not only do their lives improve but they also spread the word, and then their friends lives improve too. Win-win situation if I’ve ever seen one. The ironic part is that the process we teach them to see results is to avoid focusing on their results at all. Instead, focus on the process of growing. Part of the process to see results is to set goals. And we all know how important goal setting is.

Bootcamp also follows a process. At the start of every bootcamp, the student will sign a registration form. At some point during the weekend the student will be doing well, and at some point not so much. Ups and downs along the road. And at the end he will shake my hand to thank me for the program, “I had an awesome weekend and learned a lot, thank you!”… well, hopefully!

Part of the process of bootcamp involves setting goals. We do this every night, just prior to heading out to apply these concepts in person.

Typically goals would be starting conversations with a certain amount of people, getting “5” girls phone numbers, or maybe making out with someone. “But I thought Kingpin Social taught Social Dynamics, why would you base goals around getting a girls phone number?” This is correct, and I agree with your skepticism. It shows you are taking things seriously and holding the people who give you advice to a higher standard.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone at Kingpin Social has always taught Social Dynamics, the Art of Getting Along with Anybody. But for the past few years we taught Social Dynamics by teaching it to you in dating, and your relationships with the opposite sex.

Sometime during this past summer, Kevin and I made the decision to make the full transition to teach the bootcamp, and Social Dynamics, by teaching it in your whole life. This means on the program we aren’t only approaching girls, but also guys. We aren’t only getting numbers to go on dates, but also to create business opportunities and network. The whole nine yards.

This meant the concepts I would teach during the bootcamp needed to be congruent to our new style. The transition was easy to be honest. The bootcamp evolved and is now better than ever. Well, except in one area. Whenever it came time to set goals for the night, I felt weird. Setting goals for numbers or make outs didn’t feel accurate. How is having a goal of making out with a girl helping their Social Dynamics skill level up if the goal doesn’t apply to networking, or for building normal friendships? That goal is one-dimensional at best and thus, useless.

But I didn’t really know what the other goals were I could set other than approaching a certain number of people, getting a girls number or participating in some French kissing. Ugh. Thankfully during a recent bootcamp I was able to solve this puzzle, and with it, simplify Social Dynamics that much more, at least for myself.

The answer began to take shape during the first day’s discussion period. My student was telling a story from earlier in the day. He was at Sunridge Mall shopping, when he saw a girl he found attractive. Naturally he approached her. The conversation went well, and at one point, she even mentioned how she had some free time. This was a perfect opportunity to invite her for coffee, right then and there. The spontaneous date. I love it. This would have extended the interaction and gave them an opportunity to continue getting to know one another. Awesome. But instead, he just grabbed her number and went on with his day. What?

My student went on to describe how this is a common problem of his and the amount of frustration it continues to cause him. You could even hear it in his voice. Right then the answer to not only his problem but also the one I’ve been trying to solve came to mind.

“The reason you are frustrated and have this problem is because you have the wrong goals. If your goal is a number, you will only do the actions that get you that number. If your goal is her number, then it doesn’t make sense to go for coffee with her right away. Even though going for coffee with her then and there would build a connection quicker, increasing your chance of seeing her again and continuing to progress towards any type of relationship.”

To develop a relationship you need to have a connection. Different types of relationships involve different types of connections. This is simple math. So the goal you set shouldn’t be based on numbers, make-outs or getting laid, but simply, connections.

“Your goal tonight isn’t to worry about how many numbers you get, it is only to develop 5 connections.”

With this as a goal, now we have to develop the process to complete it. In its simplest form, and the only one we will use in this blog post, it is this: “Take the path that leads to the level of connection you currently want.” If you want to take the relationship to the level of Acquaintance, you may just grab the persons Facebook, and stay in touch every once in awhile on there. In my students case, he approached this girl because he found her attractive, and after talking with her for five to ten minutes still had an interest in growing the relationship, so the path to the connection he is looking for would be to grab coffee with her without hesitation.

He wouldn’t even need to think about it, or practice the move fifty times. He doesn’t need to put in the reps. The mentality he has would allow him to make the move he needs to, naturally. Who wouldn’t want that?

“But if my goal is to develop connections, how does it apply to getting a girls number? Or make outs?”

Both still apply. The only difference is that getting a girls number only applies when you are genuinely interested in continuing that interaction. If you aren’t than there is no need. You could just grab her Facebook instead. Or when the connection you two feel is strong enough in the moment that you want to make out, then that is exactly what you should do. Making out is just an expression of the connection you two share. Go to town and have some fun!

From here on out, let’s stop focusing on how many numbers we get, or how many times we’ve been laid this year, because none of it matters at all. The only thing that matters is the number of connections we’ve made, be it Acquaintances, Friends, Best Friends or Lovers. At the end of the day each one is important to have, and good Social Dynamics provides them all. My hope for you is that you develop all of them, and take each and every one to the depths it should. It’s time to go out there and make it happen!

On Friday I will be writing a follow-up post to this one, unveiling my secret weapon for taking connections to the next level. Make sure you subscribe below so you don’t miss out. If you haven’t subscribed yet stop being a baby about it and put your e-mail address in. Each and every post I read on this site pushes me to be that much better in my life, and helps me grow. Even though I write for the blog, I’m still its biggest fan, and take each post seriously. It can do the same for you!

BONUS: If you personally e-mail me, I will send you an audio recording of the two hour discussion that inspired this post. Seriously. I’ll say it again. You will get a two-hour audio recording from one of my bootcamps. I’ve never done this before. And I’m not even sure if I should. But fuck it. E-mail me.