Advanced Verbal Skills: Going First Technique


Have you ever heard of the “Going First Technique”? Whether you have or not, I think you’re really going to like this article. The going first technique is one of the basics to better verbal game, but today I want to explore why it works and how to do use it properly, to maximize how effective it can be!

The Basics

What is the going first technique?

It’s basically the technique you use to get someone to put forth more into the conversation, by being a leader.

The best example is when you ask someone a question, like “What type of music do you like?”

Have you ever asked a stranger that question? What was their response? The majority of the time, their answer will be something so generic it makes no difference in getting to know them whatsoever. The most common response would be: “Everything”, which is total bullshit.

The reason they say “everything” is because they are uncomfortable, so they give you the easiest answer possible that will allow them to not have to continue on that topic. This is happening on a subconscious level. When they are uncomfortable, they will give you their autopilot response. Like when you ask for a girls number when she isn’t attracted yet; you get the “boyfriend” autopilot response. IT SUCKS!

To fix this, use the going first technique! How do you use it? If you ask a question, just answer it yourself first!

You: “What type of music do you like?”
You: “because I like ________ (genre of music) and I like it because _________ (reason why you like it).”

By answering the question yourself first, you are putting more into the conversation, which encourages them to do so as well, resulting in you getting an actual answer, and ultimately, you getting to know THEM.

Ok, so that is the basics of it. Now let’s move onto…

The Fun Stuff

When you have two people in a conversation, (logically) you should each contribute 50% right? Early on in the conversation, that isn’t going to work. When you’re trying to meet a stranger, they won’t be comfortable enough yet to give 50%. So you usually start something like 90/10. That sucks but that’s the way it is right?

But I think a lot of people fuck this up.

The reason they fuck it up is because they just end up talking about their own shit the whole time, when what they need to be doing is HELPING the girl with her 50%.

So if the conversation needs to be at 75% Guy 25% Girl, it’s not about the guy just plowing away talking about random gibberish the whole time. Sure this works to an extent, but everything can fucking work. Let’s be real and talk about how we can be effective.

This is an example of what’s BAD:

This is an example of what’s GOOD:

You see how there’s a 25% section on the girls side? That’s the area that the guy needs to HELP her with.

Here’s a verbal example, where the guy asks a question and then uses the going first technique (which is good):

Guy: What type of music do you like?
Guy: Because I like house music, and I like house music because I can never be upset listening to it. It brings me up, and let’s me always be positive. I can’t be angry listening to it.

** So let’s say the girl answers with something weak, and still isn’t giving you much to work with…

BAD: (just plowing)

Girl: I don’t know… I like all kinds.
Guy: I also like hip hop, and I like hip hop because of the drums. My body connects with it, and I really like the culture of hip hop.

Good: (unreactive, then cold read)

Girl: I don’t know… I like all kinds.
Guy: Oh that’s cool, you seem like a country (you could use any type of music here) kind of girl to me.

** By doing this, you are helping her out with that extra 25%. You are giving her options to choose from. If she isn’t into country music, there’s a good chance she will say a type of music that she actually does like, in which case you now have her giving more back to the conversation.

Don’t just plow like a machine. HELP her join the conversation by making it easier on her. You make it easier on her by giving her options, and by challenging her (think push/pull).

Let me know what you guys think. When a girl isn’t giving back to the conversation, what do you typically do? I’d love to hear about it in the comments section below!