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The other day I checked my email inbox and in it was an interesting question. This is a problem I know ALOT of guys deal with when first starting out, so below is my response to his question “How do I increase my confidence internally and stop caring so much about what others may think?” Check it out!
I have a huge fear of getting rejected, and always care what other people think about me, even though I am an attractive man with a lot going for me. What would you suggest I do to increase my confidence internally and stop caring so much about what others may think.
Walking into a venue knowing you want to approach girls is one of THE SCARIEST EXPERIENCES in the world as a beginner. The butterflies begin to flutter as the first beautiful girl passes you. Your mind tells you to “Stop being a pussy,” as a group of 4 cute blondes walk by. You feel like everyone is watching EVERYTHING you do, and when you fuck up, you fuck up BIG.
This feeling sound familiar?
It does for me. This is the EXACT same feeling I experienced when I first started going out. I’ve talked to a lot of guys who have experienced the exact same sinking feeling. It’s almost as if when you get rejected, you feel like EVERYONE in that club knows you got rejected. When you approach, if they reject you, that group is going to laugh and talk about it ALL night. Writing it down right now even makes it sound ridiculous, but THAT is how our mind works.
THE REALIZATION THAT NO ONE CARES
Identifying WHY that fear is there in order to abolish it. I’m going to give YOU a couple steps you can take to abolish this phenomenon which is “caring about what people think about you.”
The biggest epiphany I’ve ever had in game came on a night where I was out with my best wingman, Jordan. Jordan was swallowed by the life of the club and I stood alone in the middle of the venue by the dance floor. People brushed by me without eye contact, people danced around me in their little social circles with their drinks in their hands. Then it hit me.
They were ALL HERE with their group of 2 – 3 people. I looked around and took a second to notice every group in my proximity. The club was PACKED, full of people. It’s SO EASY to get sucked into that energy, to get sucked into the atmosphere. That’s why I was so intimidated, I always looked at EVERYONE. I looked at the club as a whole.
I took two steps back and realized that EVEN THOUGH the club was full of people, each and every single individual in this room came with 2 – 5 people. Each one of those people were JUST as nervous as I was when it came to meeting new people; they were comfortable in their social circle. Every one of those people REALLY didn’t give a fuck about the people they rejected, they just moved on with their night. There are 3 different things that you can take from this to put you two steps ahead of the game:
1. Everyone in the club is nervous about meeting new people. YOU now have this realization. If EVERYONE is nervous about meeting new people and YOU have the tools to make people comfortable; this gives you a social advantage over EVERYONE in the club.
2. These people do not give a fuck about you. Stop caring about what they think of you because even if they DID talk about you all night, it wouldn’t affect YOUR situation whatsoever. What people think about you have NO bearing on your individual world. One month down the road, the girl that rejects you will never remember your face again, nor will you remember hers. Once you realize this, you will realize freedom and come into who you were meant to be in this world.
3. Look at the INDIVIDUALS in the club instead of the CLUB AS A WHOLE. Looking at the individuals will get over your “fear of rejection” pretty quickly once you start taking action and approaching, because you realize that only 2 – 3 people saw you and they were just as nervous as you were when you approached.
WHY do you care what people think of you? What rationalizations go through your head?
“If I approach this girl, and she rejects me, everyone’s going to see and laugh at me!” Why would you care if people laughed at you? I’ll tell you why. You’ve built up this “image” for yourself as “an attractive, cool guy who has a lot of shit going for him.” By approaching women and getting rejected, you’re challenging that image you’ve created for yourself. How do you get rid of this image? You need to be able to LAUGH at yourself. Seriously. When a girl rejects me, I burst out LAUGHING. This does two things for me. 1: Laughing allows for the flow of positive emotions. 2: Approaching is a Win – Win. If she likes me, dope. We can connect. If she doesn’t like me, I can laugh about it and figure out WHY she didn’t like me so I can grow.
BECOME SELF AWARE
Best formula for success: Ignorance – Knowledge – Action
We’re going to name the self image you’ve created for yourself. The self image of a “cool, attractive guy” you’ve created for yourself is going to be your “EGO”. Let’s take a second and laugh at your ego. We’re going to focus on building your SELF – ESTEEM. “EGO” requires constant validation that you are a “cool, attractive guy” and if anything challenges that image you’ve created for yourself, you WILL NOT DO IT. This is why YOU CANNOT APPROACH right now. Each time you approach, you challenge your EGO. Building SELF – ESTEEM is essential because you become happy with who you are and what you’re doing with your life. A healthy self – esteem doesn’t require external validation. Validation comes from within, allowing you to pursue the things you really want (women) and be naturally attractive to every woman in your life.
In general, the gap between ignorance and knowledge is a lot smaller than the gap between knowledge and action. That being said, with this response I’ll outline some steps (knowledge, the easy party) you can take to begin to build your SELF – ESTEEM, and it’s up to you to take action towards them (action, this one’s up to you).
So what is it that makes you fear rejection?
It’s important to understand, for each individual situation, what it is that makes you fear rejection. This understanding will give you a look into the CAUSE of the problem (lets say, you tend not to take action on the little things, so approaching is difficult because approaching IS taking action) rather than trying to fix the PROBLEM itself (rejection).
How can you stop caring what other people think? You have to get out there and talk to people, man. Our minds have a tendency to rehearse negative outcomes; grounding that tendency with our belief in being “realistic”. Realistically speaking, people are nice. Your mind runs through all of the possible negative outcomes from approaching / attracting / going on dates / being successful with gorgeous women. These are the steps to fixing these problems.
1. Actively Reframing Negative Thoughts. “Oh fuck, if she rejects me I’m going to look like an idiot.” “They’re going to laugh at me if I get rejected.” In order to stop caring what people think of you, reframe the way you THINK people see you. You are the image you choose to present. Change “oh fuck, if she rejects me I’m going to look like an idiot.” to “If she rejects me, I’m going to laugh my ass off because she’s missing out.” Same concept, positive spin.
2. Take Action! Reframe your thought process. Than approach. Give yourself the chance to get rejected. Only then will you understand that it’s not so bad. The reason developing SELF ESTEEM is so important is because you begin to realize that, whether or not she rejects you, you’re still happy because you understand that JUST BY APPROACHING you’re taking ACTION to becoming better. This will give you SELF ESTEEM, and over time women will naturally gravitate to your positive being.
Look, I’m going to be straight up with you. This isn’t a quick – fix situation. You’re not going to read over this article and be like “wow, brian! Thank you for making me happy!” This is a long process, and it requires consistent action. You must be able to consistently TAKE ACTION towards your daily opportunities. I PROMISE you, if you at least give yourself the opportunity to be successful by APPROACHING WOMEN, you WILL develop SELF ESTEEM and become NATURALLY ATTRACTIVE.
“Approach Anxiety” exists to protect your CONFIDENCE. Like you said, you’re an attractive guy who’s got a lot going for you. You’re confident with yourself. If you approach, and she rejects you, you’re challenging that image of an “attractive guy who’s got a lot going for you”. This will have a negative impact on both your image of yourself and your outlook of the world.
Begin to focus on developing SELF – ESTEEM. Be a happier person. Try to look for the POSITIVE side of rejection instead of the negative. By exposing yourself to the CHANCE of rejection, you will begin to realize WHAT makes women reject you, and, I can tell you’re smart enough that you will not make the same mistake twice. I still get rejected once in awhile. EVERYONE DOES. It makes me laugh. It makes me laugh, because that girl that just rejected me has no idea that she just made my self – awareness that much better, which will make me more efficient with EVERY GIRL I talk to from there on out.
SO!
How can YOU get over that fear?
Catch the negative thoughts as they run through your head. You choose the amount of success that you have by the actions that you take. You know that little voice in your head that starts going nuts when a gorgeous woman walks by? “Where’s her boyfriend?” “I bet she’s waiting for friends.” “She looks busy.” “She won’t even talk to me.” Use that nagging voice to change your outlook!! Instead of these NEGATIVE thought patterns that tend to trickle into your brain to protect your EGO, start focusing on building your SELF – ESTEEM by TAKING ACTION on the positive thoughts you can choose to have. “I’m going to approach.” “I’ll learn something by talking to her.” “I will NOT leave without approaching her and giving her a compliment.” If you want to start building your self – esteem you have to start giving yourself the opportunity to do so. Only then will you remove your fear of rejection, because you’ll be able to laugh in the face of it. The next time you get rejected, laugh. Seriously. It might seem weird at first, but just laugh. The positive endorphins your smile releases will only be essential building blocks to the growth of your self esteem. If you’re HAPPY with yourself, the product of self – esteem, you won’t give a shit what people think about you because REGARDLESS of what they think, you’ve got that sense of inner peace.
Hope this helps!
ALSO! This week I just had a huge realization for myself in relation to “I don’t give a shit what people think about me”, this is my article, check it out. : )
With the numbers clearly showing that fewer and fewer men are approaching women these days, why is everybody ( mostly pickup artist instructors and women) blaming MEN? Is there something that women are doing, expecting or how they are acting which might account for this? How are women escaping any of the blame?
Thanks to my father who stated to me concerning this weblog, this weblog is truly amazing.
To Dave,
It is true, men ARE blamed. And there is nothing wrong with that. In today’s generation, men are not really MEN. They think a lot before acting. Now I am not asking you to get drunk and ask a woman to hit your ding-dong. What I am really asking you to be is a man, a MAN. Women are hard-wired from their childhood to think of men as the dominant one. And they themselves can’t change that. You see if you approach a woman as a wuss, an excuse is inevitable on their part to get away from you. But if you really don’t care about what they think and act on your game, they will respond positively. This is what happens and it’s not really difficult to set your standards high. There are only two intelligent species in this world, men and women. And it’s not really difficult to get supremacy in one of these (a man, if you are not a woman lol). Every man can do it. And if they do it’s really beneficial to both men and women.
Stay good,
(A man frustrated of single life, once set out on an adventure to study women’s psychology thoroughly who is now a new born and renowned fancy of women:P)
@ Meet – Thanks for commenting. I definitely agree that the concept of masculinity has been thoroughly lost in today’s age. I’m curious: how do you think we should go about fixing it?
Rejection won’t take a dime from your bank account. It won’t take your house or your car and if you have a security clearance your employer is not going to yank your clearance because some girl rejected you. Having said that, rejection gets very old. I would stop chasing women and pursue activities where you will see a tangible return–such as furthering your education, advancing your career, making wise investments. When I lived in California I had a secure, well paying job and my own 3 bedroom home in a nice , secure area. I couldn’t buy a date for a million bucks. Thugs, gang members and ex-cons had so many women they were pushing them away. So I stopped chasing women (basically gave up the chase) and worked on my MBA and my investments. After I gave up on women, they were interested. It was weird. When I cared about them they ran away as fast as they could. . It never hurts to stop chasing women and pursue those activities where you will see a tangible return. I didn’t give up on women because I thought they would change their minds about me. I gave up because it was hopeless. When I stopped caring about them (and it wasn’t an act) they were interested in me. Good luck to you.
@ Bill – Thanks for commenting! I definitely agree with you that focusing on improving yourself and not just on women is a really good way to go. It’s one of the main ways I focus on my own development right now as well.
That said, I don’t believe anybody, including yourself, is hopeless. A book you’d find interesting that touches on why women became interested in you once you stopped chasing them is The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. If you email me I’ll get you a copy.
When I was single I was constanly rejected so I turned to strippers and escorts. Had the time of my life. They were nicer than regular girls and I could have female companionship within an hour.I had a secure, well paying job so paying was not a problem. So a decent guy who cannot get a date does not have to be lonely.
In all the scenarios above, rejection is presented as conditional – that is, “but what if she rejects me.” With this construction, there is an explicit possibility that rejection will not occur – and so it’s worth asking her for her number, a date, sex, etc., For some of us though, rejection is always guaranteed no matter what, who, when and how we ask. In this case, it’s simply not worth it to ask any woman out and so I never do. Were there even a small chance of a positive reply, I’d ask any one of the women out I find attractive right away – but there is no chance whatsoever of getting so much as a date with any of them – so I don’t bother. Some of us are born – irrespective of what we actually desire – to be alone forever.