Categories
Attracting Women Relationships

How to Love Anyone

The pursuit of short term connections can leave one unfulfilled. One can only pursue an external option for so long before they realize that having the ability to transition strangers to lovers is useless, without the fundamental connection. This transition from “Strangers to Lovers” is an external, short term connection. It might feel good for the moment bro, but you’re going to wake up the next day craving more of that short term validation, missing your long term fulfillment.

Pick Up (or short term relationships) leaves one unfulfilled because Pick Up is developing one level of relationship. This is the level of Strangers to Acquaintances. If you get good enough at Pick Up you can work within that level of relationship to manufacture a high exchange of physical value, sex, however when you first meet someone you are simply making the transition from strangers to acquaintances.

The 4 Levels of Relationships

Time + Honest, Effective Communication = Growth

There are 4 levels of relationships that exist as a fundamental base. Within these levels exist room for development, these are the four fundamentals.

The first rule with the 4 levels of relationships is that these relationships are being developed based on positivity. If the relationship isn’t positive, these transitions will not happen. Of course no relationship is perfect, but when analyzing whether the relationships in your life are positive or negative, think of the time you spend enjoying the relationship, and the time you spend resenting it.

Relationships develop over time. There are some who choose to fall in “love” with another right away, being labeled as needy. This is co – dependency, and they are needy because they haven’t developed an internal sense of self worth. If you want to fall in love, be patient. Focus on each individual step of the 4 levels of relationships, and learn how to transition between the different levels.

Be aware of which level you are currently at, and the most effective way to move to the next level.

Level Up, Son!

The first, most important transition of building relationships is the transition from Strangers to Acquaintances. This happens anytime two people don’t know each other, and they begin talking. This can happen at a bar, when you approach. This can happen in the daytime, with the bombshell that you approach. This can also happen online, when you send someone a message and they respond. Anytime there is an exchange of conversation that is positive, the transition is made from Strangers to Acquaintances.

bed lady “But what about when you sleep with the girl? You can’t sleep with an acquaintance”

Think about a hooker, you stop the car, pick her up and she gets in with a quick conversation. There is no internal connection, yet an exchange of physical value exists.

Now the girls that you sleep with from the club aren’t “hookers”, this illustration was put into play to let you know that acquaintances do sleep with each other. As a generality, the reason that sleeping with the girl on the first night is only the first level of relationship, is because most of the time “One Night Stand” is the element that is attached to it.

This, however, is not the only option. You have the option to pursue the one night stand, and develop the next level of relationship.

The next transition that is made is Acquaintances to Friends.

You go to the club, you get the number, and the next day you decide to call the number and talk to her for half an hour. The two of you were acquaintances, but now you’ve developed the connection to a point where friendship exists. If you call her (offer her value) and she answers (receives your value) and there is a conversation (exchange of value), this is friendship.

There can be sexual tension within the friendship, but a certain level of comfort must exist for a friendship to be present. The difference between “friend zone” and “potential lover” is the amount of physical touch that exists in the friendship, so be aware of this, and make sure your actions are in line with your intentions.

Friendships are developed when one goes outside of the avenue that the first level of relationships was developed on; and transitions to a different place.

An example of this would be meeting a girl in the bar, and taking her on a date. Maybe you messaged someone on E Harmony, and the two of you agreed to meet up at “XYX.” You may even have a friend on Facebook that you think is cool, but you haven’t taken the time to develop that relationship. You message him and arrange a meet up outside of the avenue of which you met.

This arrangement of a meet – up is essential in developing the next level of relationship, which is the transition from Friend to Best Friend. This transition happens when a friendship is established, and the relationship develops in a positive direction by increased communication. This communication could be through Facebook, over the phone, or consistent meet ups. Your best friend right now, the reason he / she is your best friend, is because the two of you spent enough time together and exchanged enough value, where you see him / her as an irreplaceable part of your life.

One only becomes irreplaceable by spending time communicating, and exchanging internal value. You’re replaceable if the communication doesn’t exist within the relationship, because if you’re not communicating, on an internal, non – physical level with “X” individual, somebody else will be.

umbrella lady

A healthy connection and a best – friendship later, the next transition that happens is the transition from Best Friend to Love. This could happen when you love your best friend so much, that you consider him your family. This also happens when a happy couple spends so much time together that they become the best friend to their partner, which in exchange turns into love. We fall in love with the things that bring us the MOST value, based on our perception of value. It is only when we are communicating with one another honestly and effectively that we understand the other persons perception of value.

This means that before you can love someone, on a long – lasting, internal level… you must be their best friend.

There’s a difference between “loving someone” and being “in love” with someone…

There you have it! These are the 4 Levels of Positive Relationships. Most choose to spend their time developing the first level, and try to skip to the 4th level without the necessary middle steps. The middle steps are the most important if you’re looking for love, so understand how to communicate on those middle steps.

If you don’t know how to communicate, or make any of the transitions between the four levels of relationships… get in contact with Cam or I. Anyone that messages us and posts a Facebook status with our link gets a free consultation from yours truly at Kingpin Lifestyle <3

Categories
Attracting Women Day Game Mental Performance

Why She’s Not A Bitch.

“Yo man, she looks like a total bitch, I don’t wanna talk to her,” your bro says.

You’re sitting at a patio having quality “bro-time” on a gorgeous summer day. 25 degrees celcius. You and your bro are getting your tan on. Relaxed tank top, rolled up jeans and fresh pair of kicks. You two are laughing about how silly last weekend was. “High fives!”

You take a sip of your drink. Vodka soda, crushed mint leaves with a twist of lime. Delicious.

Sniff. Sniff. Her scent signals her arrival. The intoxicating smell of spring flowers lingers in the air; both of you turn your heads. You’re thinking, “Where is this scent coming from?”

Cutie strutting down at 3 o’ clock. There she is — game time.

So here’s the stats: Blonde hair. Piercing blue eyes. Tanned skin. A body that resembles a Coca-cola bottle draped in a slinky, low-cut, floral summer dress that flows half way down her legs. Your bro’s mouth is left open. Both of you pull down your Ray-Bans to get a better view of the scenery, praying to Mother Nature for a strong wind to blow by.

Kinda like a Marilyn Monroe poster. Naa mean?

Marilyn Monroe

You nudge your bro by the elbow. “Go ahead and bust out your favorite line,” you say. He pouts and shakes his head. He replies,“For sure she’s a bitch. Look at her.” That was the final nail in the coffin. He doesn’t want to get up and talk to her. Oddly enough, she doesn’t look like a bitch. Not even close. She’s smiling and she actually looks really friendly.

“Dude, is she really a bitch? How do you know that?” I ask.

Fellas, does it feel better to hate on a beautiful girl than to challenge your assumptions? Is it easier to say she’s a snob and not approach than to learn the actual skill set to go up to her?  Are you scared that you might be wrong and she’s actually a cool chick? Do you have this fear that, even if you had a chance in hell that she might like you, you don’t think you’re interesting enough to keep her around?

As men, we’ve been biologically selected over millions of years to focus on fertile females. Babes. Our fascination for checking out hot girls is ingrained in our genetics and manly circuit board. It is a fact that the attraction to an hourglass figure – large breasts, small waist, flat stomach and full hips – is prewired in all dudes, across all cultures. This shape tells the mating brain that she’s young, healthy, and probably not pregnant with another man’s child.

So what do you do?

Oddly enough, most of the really hot girls I’ve approached with my favorite line turned out to be really friendly people. They appreciate it more because they don’t get approached that often. Weird, huh? What’s the worst that can happen anyway?

Say you get blown out. Did she actually reject you? Nope. She probably rejected the way you approach. Why? You were weird and you were stuttering, bro. Even though you’re nervous, that’s fine! It’s completely understandable. Rejection is hardwired to feel like death for most people because back in the day, it was. The consequences were more severe when you did stupid shit. Rejection from the tribe meant you were gonna get kicked out to butt-fuck-nowhere. Now you’re left to fend for all your basic needs by yourself. It sounds like a legitimate excuse, right?

Here’s what I suggest: act on your emotions anyway. She’s gonna be really impressed. Why? Because this foreshadows how you’re going to be in the future if she stays with you. By doing this, you explicitly show her that you’re going to pull through a tough decision, regardless of how you feel. You go for what you want, and girls think that’s hot. Your life has a solid direction and she’ll feel more inclined to partake in it.

Okay, so maybe I fucked up. That babe in the summer dress was rude, obnoxious and a total bitch! Ooops! My bad, bro! But who cares, anyway? No one’s laughing at you! Go back and high five your buddy and get another drink. It makes for a funny story at the very least.

Categories
Mental Performance

How to Deal with Negative Emotions and Turn that Frown Upside Down.

cam jamie myke from kingpin socialI recently came back from a trip from beautiful British Columbia where I was running a Kingpin Social Bootcamp in Kelowna. I decided to bring two of Kingpin Social’s interns, Myke and Jamie on the trip with me so they could experience what it’s like to run a program in another city. It’s always nice to get out of Calgary for a weekend, especially with how crazy busy Kingpin Social has been lately; sold out July, August and September.

The trip was awesome and the bootcamp went extremely well. The student ended up e-mailing me saying if I had charged more, he would have paid it without question. Things like this are always nice to hear, and just amplifies my belief that Social Dynamics will change the world.

On the drive home, Jamie and I had a conversation that I thought would make a great topic for todays post in regards to the “in-field” portion of Bootcamp.

During a Bootcamp there are two main components: “in-field” and “discussion”. “In field” is when we literally take students into social situations and watch them interacting with people. No better way to learn where a student needs to improve than literally watching him/her interacting with a ridiculous amount of people. Discussion time is also important, because this gives us the time to sit down, talk about theory, sticking points, and answer any specific questions the student may have. Both components are equally important.

Due to Kelowna being a smaller town, we spent the majority of our time at club Sapphire, and it was here that Jamie became a bit taken back, and bummed out. This became the basis of our conversation on the way home.

Why was Jamie feeling this way?

Over the course of the weekend, She wasn’t approached very much and this made her feel a bit insecure. (Now, let’s not get dramatic here, it wasn’t affecting her a lot, just a little bit.) There could be a million reasons as to why guys weren’t approaching her, and one of the main ones would be that I was standing next to her the majority of the time because she was helping me assist on Bootcamp. Most guys aren’t going to approach a cute girl standing next to another guy.

It’s important to note that it’s a good thing for her to feel what she felt. I’m not saying this to imply that feeling insecure is ever good, but when you are in this situation you have a choice. There are only two paths you can take from here, and thankfully you are the one who gets to make that choice. You can allow these emotions to control how you react OR you can embrace them and feel empowered.

It’s important to embrace these “negative” feelings because it gives you an opportunity to correct your mindset. Whenever I used to feel insecure, anxious, unhappy, and jealous or the like, I would take those emotions on as a belief about myself; even if it couldn’t be further from the truth. Now every time I feel any of those emotions, I embrace it as an opportunity to remind myself what I truly do believe about the situation.

Let’s use an example to explain this better:

So Jamie goes out to the club and doesn’t get approached as frequently as she normally would. She begins to feel insecure, and her mind begins to question herself:

“Am I not good looking? Do I not look approachable? Am I not wanted?”

But deep down in her core, what does Jamie actually believe about herself?

Jamie believes she is beautiful. Deserving. Friendly. Approachable. Compassionate. Jamie knows she is a catch, and the insecurities she felt weren’t her true belief about herself.

smile you are beautiful

So now she can take this opportunity to meditate for a minute and re-set the REAL belief she has about herself. Easy as 1 2 3. Will this automatically stick and be there for good? Fuck no. But that’s ok. Every time these emotions come up, she just needs to do the same thing, and over time this belief will sink in deeper and deeper.

I’ve done this exact same thing when it comes to jealousy. Every time I feel these emotions in my body I take a second, chill the fuck out, and remind myself it’s just a chemical imbalance in my body and the true core belief I have is not that emotion. This technique has helped a lot when it comes to jealousy, which is definitely something that terrorized me for a long time.

clear mind

Try this out and let me know what you think. This will only work if you have made the decision to live drama free, and remember, drama doesn’t just happen with your friends, but within yourself and your mental energy as well.

If you think this post was valuable, share it with your friends. A simple Facebook status or Tweet goes a far way!

BTW – I will be heading out to Kelowna again in a few weeks for another Kingpin Social Bootcamp, so if you or anybody you know lives in the area, let them know. Tell them to e-mail me or hit me up on Facebook and we can talk about it. This is an opportunity you don’t want them to pass by!

Categories
Entrepreneurship Mental Performance

Process is Progress

What do you dream?

Dreams are powerful. Your dreams create your reality, if you let them. Most people are asleep while awake, convincing themselves that reality is what it is, and there’s nothing they can do to change it. These are the people that choose to exist in their memory, instead of in the unlimited present moment right in front of them.

Truth is, reality just is. What you make of reality is your perception. Your perception, your internal mindset perceives reality, and you act based on your perception. If you believe this world to be negative, you will only see negative in the world, and you will act upon that negativity. If you believe this world to be positive, you will see the good in everything, and you will act on that positivity. Truth is there’s a positive and a negative in everything, and it is what you choose to look for that makes it reality. Even the toughest experiences have valuable lessons that you can learn from.

That being said, there are two types of people in this world. There are people who are awake with their eyes open, and there are people who are sleeping with their eyes open. The people who are awake with their eyes open are the 17 year old Millionares, the multi – billion dollar entrepreneurs, the innovators, the creators, the inventors. The people who are awake are the ones who make a difference and choose to shape their reality by changing their perception on it.

Then there are people who are sleeping with their eyes open. These are the people who are living in someone else’s dream, going to work in the warehouse to pack someone else’s goods. That warehouse does not belong to them, and thus, they work for someone else, creating the dream of the owner of the warehouse. The dream of the owner of the warehouse may not be fulfilling, but it is his dream. Anyone that works underneath him creates his dream, shapes his dream, put’s in their man hours to mold the owner’s dream.

This is not our fault, the sleeping wake. This is the way we have been raised to believe is the only way. In reality, we choose what we want to do. It is your choice to get up and go to work every day to the job that you do not like. You make this choice. You’re the one driving to work, you’re the one taping the boxes, you’re the one that works for someone else’s dream. Is this your fault? This is no more your fault than it is mine, for we have been raised to believe that this is the only way.

“Get a job! Support your family.”

A “job” is something that you don’t enjoy the process of doing, or even the process of thinking about your job. A job is only a job when you do not like it. When you love your work, it is not a job, it is a passion. Some people become passionate designing someone else’s dream, if they find an element of that dream that they are allowed to make into their own (promotion to Supervisor, Manager, Owner). All of us want to feel like we create something, we want to have a physical representation of the hard work that we put in. Recognition is something we all seek, and recognition comes in no greater form than designing a dream of your own.

People go to work for a job that they don’t love to do, and they justify it with monetary reasons. “Gotta pay the bills!” Agreed, the bills have to be paid. When you come home, though, what do you do? Does the TV capture your attention, are your thoughts occupied with your progressive video games.

We are the way we are because the world that we’ve been raised in has conditioned us to believe that this is the only way. We are taught that the only way to get by in this world is to get a stable job, that pays good money, so that we can grow up and support a family. Why would you want to bring someone else into the world to repeat the same vicious circle? Even if someone gets a stable, secure job that pays a lot of money, what do they get out of it. If that person gets a big fat paycheque, he’ll still have to go back to work on Monday to put his time and energy into someone else’s dream.

I’ve always wanted to build my own business..

Wake up! Start living your dream, because your dream is happening right now. In this moment that last for infinity. The only moment that you have is this moment, any moment that has happened up to this point is irrelevant, beyond the lessons that you’ve learned from it. The moments that are to come should be pondered upon, having an ultimate vision in mind. However in this moment, the moment that never ends, you should be living your dream. In this moment you should be designing your dream, and working on the process of achieving it. The moment 30 seconds ago, when you started this paragraph? That moment no longer exists, and here you are, reading in this moment. Choose, in this moment, to live the rest of your life the way you want to live it.

Choose to live your dream, the way that you would want to do it. Wake up, designing someone else’s dream will never be fulfilling. Money will never be the answer to buying your dreams, because your dreams don’t happen with money, your dream is happening right now. Are you living your dreams right now? You have the opportunity to, by designing an unlimited vision, living in the present moment and every day, working on the process of obtaining your unlimited vision.

Every day you wake up, you live in a dream. Are you living in your own, or are you designing someone elses?

Categories
Lifestyle

Too Many Fish With The Same One-Liners

*Disclaimer: this is my own personal view on online dating, and what would work for a dime like me.*

“You should try online dating.”

You may have heard your friends try and loop you in to this one, and my friends have been no different. I have been against online dating for what feels like forever, but I do understand the appeal and the successes some people have had. This was enough to intrigue me in the concept as well as seeing it as a possible platform for me to give feedback to help guys through the web as well as a way to distinguish the best approach for women who are interested in online dating.

So I took the plunge as Cam and I set up my very own account on POF to try a social experiment on online dating. Being new to the online dating community I didn’t really know what to expect. We chose a playful yet hilarious headline that says “I don’t put out…evar” to see what kind of responses I would get. I kept my profile congruent to who I am rather than a fake facade as I knew some people I know would probably come across my page and question it.

Dudes vs. Chicks

Online dating is a laid back version of speed dating except you don’t need to be physically presentable; you need to arm yourself with catchy headlines, subject lines, and come up with a successful way to approach and initiate conversation to a complete stranger. Ultimately you are shopping through profiles, looking at the ingredients of the individual to see if it’s something you really want to purchase before putting it back on the shelf or carting it. It’s hard to gauge who is being authentic and who are trying to mold themselves in to the perfect candidate for you.

So here is my experience and what I have noticed in the POF (Plenty of Fish) world. The guys pursue the women a lot more aggressively than the women pursue the men. Girls get swamped with messages, with an average of 17 messages a day, that means if you are a guy who is legitimately interested in a girl you need to have a snazzy subject line in order to not get scanned over and deleted. “Hi” or “Hey” or “How’s it going?” is just not going to cut it in the online dating world, nor would it really go over well via Facebook or Twitter. Also those bathroom pictures of all those guys with washboard abs are an instant turn off (insert 14 year old flashbacks to the good ol’ Nexopia days here.) This picture tells me (and the other girls) nothing more than that the guy is probably insecure and need a body shot in order to gain my attention. That this guy has really nothing more to offer than the external. Women are emotional creatures, yeah we all like something to look at but we rather have someone who we can relate to and feel connected to on emotional level.

Some do’s and dont’s.

If you are interested in a girl then definitely send a message, keep it short and sweet. Don’t overwhelm her with a giant story about yourself, keep it minimal, don’t state your name right away and don’t give away your email or phone number like it’s going out of style. Having pictures of you with friends or doing a hobby is a must! If you only have pictures of yourself from your webcam it looks as if you don’t do anything with your life except sit at home all day messaging girls on POF… which is unattractive. Make sure all your photos are clear, keep sunglasses to a minimum, and I’d stay away from the shirtless pictures. Plus its far more intriguing to not know what’s going on under that shirt, adds a little more mystery.

Don’t apologize, unless you said something really idiotic. It’s amazing how many guys would apologize for complimenting me – “Sorry but I have to tell you that you have an amazing smile.” Apologizing screams insecure and if you are comfortable with who you are you will stick by what you say and not be sorry about it. If a girl doesn’t respond back to you right away, take a chill pill, and don’t keep sending the same message over and over. No better yet, don’t message her again. When it comes to a girl not messaging you back it’s one of two things: One- she isn’t interested or two- she is busy and hasn’t gotten around to responding. Which brings me to my next point- If she isn’t responding then don’t send a message to her saying something like this “What? I’m not good enough?” *face palm* It screams insecure and desperate which are both undesirable qualities in a man, and it’s a great way for you to never get a message. You are a cool guy, you don’t need to seek validation from strangers on the internet, if she is interested than awesome, if she isn’t than move on. It is really that simple.

Do be cheeky, flirtatious, and humorous. When girls are asked what they want in a guy they always say “a guy with a good sense of humour” or “a guy who can make me laugh.” Watch a little stand up comedy! Do your homework. Do pay attention to her profile, read it, and ask questions related to her interests. Don’t use the ‘copy and paste’ tactic, this is when a guy uses the same general message for every girl, most women can see right through it and it gives off the impression that you made no effort to read her profile. If you are lazy enough to not make an effort in making the message that is directly for her, then she will more than likely not reply. Don’t sell yourself like a product, “Are you looking for a fun, spontaneous, nice-guy!? Well look no further!” Gag. I dig the creative approach but you shouldn’t have to sell yourself to get a date.

Now I could write all day about online dating but I’ll leave it at this. Keep your messages short and sweet, do talk about what she is interested in, and always have a creative subject line! This is enough to experiment with.  Now ladies don’t be disappointed, I’ll be following up in a few weeks with a post for you on how to be successful with online dating and how to discern between the guys who are serious and those who aren’t. For now… happy ‘fishing!’

Categories
Attracting Women Dates Mental Performance Text and Phone Game

Just take a Chill Pill, Homie

I love getting e-mails from guys (or girls) letting me know how their life is going and the growth they are seeing from studying Social Dynamics. Unfortunately too often these messages are telling me about an urgent situation that isn’t urgent at all. The typical response I send to the majority of e-mails I get are: “Dude, you just need to relax.”

This was definitely the case on Sunday:

Shortly after finishing the bootcamp I was running, I received a text message from one of my students. The night before he went on a date with a cutie and it went well, but there was a problem: she hadn’t responded to his text yet, and he was beginning to worry. He’s looking for advice, so the first thing I do is check the time: It’s 4pm.

double facepalm

Naturally this makes me facepalm.

If a girl hasn’t texted you back and it’s only 4pm, just take a chill pill. She could be at school, at work, hanging out with a friend, or just sleeping because she’s hung-over from drinking with you the night before; she could just be busy! By getting all worked up, not only are you wasting valuable mental energy over nothing and stressing yourself out (over nothing), but you could easily react poorly and make a bad decision, potentially ending the relationship.

… Sure enough 5 minutes after I told my client to relax and give her time to respond, she sent him a text initiating conversation. Hilarious stuff really.

Another example:

The other day I received a message on Facebook chat from a friend of mine. He had a suggestion for a blog topic for us to write about. Earlier that day he went on a date with a girl, and it went well. That evening they ended up at the same club together, him with his friends, and her with hers. She ended up spending most of the time hanging out with her other guy friends, and this made him feel insecure. “Earlier on the date I was the center of her attention, and now I wasn’t, and that made me behave differently.”

is your man jealousThis is a classic example of needing to take a chill pill. It’s only been one date and he’s getting way too attached way too quickly. He’s going to end up scaring her off. They went on a date together and had a good time. It wasn’t anything more, or anything less. This is a good thing. Honestly… as a guy, if you make her smile and laugh, if she has fun around you, that’s a very good recipe for success. What more do you want really? I know when I hang out with a girl, if we have fun that’s good enough for me.

Instead of allowing the lack of attention he was getting from her at the club to affect him, he should have been focused on spending quality time with his friends. He got to spend quality time with the girl earlier, and hopefully made the most of it, so at the club was a perfect time to chill out, spend time with his friends and show the girl he isn’t going to be that clingy needy boyfriend-type, who doesn’t have his own life, and his own fun without her. If he spent the time hanging out with his friends having a blast, and then when he did get to talk to her he brought a lot of positive vibes and energy, she would have been that much more attracted. I would recommend this guy focus on remaining present on himself next time.

Now to be honest, I’m just as guilty as anybody else in needing to take a chill pill sometimes. There are definitely cases where I need to remind myself to take a step back and focus on myself, instead of being focused on pushing relationships too hard too fast. The key for me is to be conscious about the actual beliefs I have about these situations, which are: If I’m having fun with a girl, that IS enough for me. If this is the case then I really do only want to spend more time with her, and I’m happy when we get that time together.

Anytime I begin to feel a bit crazy and like I want to force the situation, I just take a second, “count to ten” like my Mom would say and re-focus on the actual belief I have, as described above.

One last example:

desperate dude texting girl

I love having female friends. One of the reasons for this is because guys constantly hit on them… and there are few things I find more entertaining than real-time updates of a guy texting a girl trying to pick her up. Fellow blogger extraordinaire Jamie Hyatt is no exception. She constantly has guys texting her, with so many coming across needy by making simple stupid mistakes. One example of a simple mistake is texting her multiple times before she has a chance to respond. Like I said before… just take a chill pill.

BTW. If anybody reading this is looking for a photographer, check out her photography page.

Hopefully these three examples help remind you to chill out a bit. Remember your number one focus should always be yourself, so anytime you begin to feel like a girl is affecting you, or you’re getting worried because she hasn’t responded, re-focus your attention on living your life to the fullest. Re-align back to center. Take ten minutes to meditate, or go for a run. Most importantly, when you are feeling like this, don’t make any silly decisions or do anything stupid. You’ll just end up regretting it, and living life having regrets SUCKS. You may have put in a decent amount of work to meet this girl and have a successful date, so don’t ruin it by making bad decisions when you’re feeling insecure. Feeling like that isn’t the end of the world, it’s ok.

If this post helped you out, share it with your friends. Help us spread the word of Social Dynamics, because this is what this blog is about: spreading the word of Social Dynamics to the rest of the world. We do this one person at a time, so any help from you will make a difference!

Categories
Mental Performance

The Reason for ALL of Your Failed Goals

A candlelit cake sits in front of your face. The anticipation in the room comes to a tipping point, fixated upon your lips are 10 sets of eyes. A breath of air escapes your lips as you forcefully put out the flames in front of your face.

“Make a wish!! But make sure you don’t tell anyone.”

Why Do My Goals Fail?

Those that tell the story of the vision are destined to continue telling the story; for Vision does not come to life through language, it comes to life through process.

It feels good, achieving a goal. This is why we set them. Ultimately, we want to feel good about ourselves. There are two different ways that we can feel good about ourselves. There is the short term route, and there is the long term route. Goals would seem to always be long term. In this article I’m going to talk using the word “validation”. Validation is a sense of approval. Validation is where you derive your sense of self worth, because we must feel a sense of approval to survive. The ego needs to be validated to derive the sense of self worth.

There are two types of validation. There is validation by language, and validation by process. Validation by language is consistently telling people your stories, and having people approve of them. When you tell someone a story, and they approve, you feel validated. You obtain your sense of self worth. The only flaw with validation by language is that it is short term, thus, the feeling of self worth you obtain exists only in the moment. This means that if you are to be validated by language, you must consistently speak of yourself, and be approved by others, to feel validated.

Ever wondered why you can’t be around people that always talk about themselves? The reason is that they need you to approve of them, because they are not approved by themselves.  Always telling the best story, the funniest joke, always have a way to “one up” your story.

Let’s say that you want to travel to Australia at the end of the year. This is your ultimate vision. You decide to start telling people that you’re traveling to Australia. They reply with awe, “That’s cool man! That’d be such an awesome experience.” In the moment, you feel good about your idea of traveling, and the fact that this person likes your idea.

The short term approval you receive from others is enough to slack off on the long term process. Validation by process is not instantaneous, and does not provide the same instant benefits as validation by language.

Validation by language almost gives you the same perceived feeling of achieving your ultimate goal of validation by process. Telling people about traveling to Australia, having your mind experience the moment and receiving their approval in the moment almost seems as if it would be just as good as traveling to Australia. This is because the only thing that exists right now, is this moment. If you want to travel to Australia at the end of the year, in this moment, that means you’ve gotta be saving money and making those self – sacrifices. You can choose to make those self sacrifices, which will ultimately be less enjoyable in the moment, than telling others a story of your travels.

The only flaw with this method is that it lasts short term. You’re not going to have someone in your ear consistently telling you “That’s awesome, man!”

This means that if you are validated by language, you must continue to be validated by language, or you will feel a low sense of self worth. This is why the guy with the “big ego” is always talking about himself. Truth is, we all have big egos. Some choose to be validated by themselves, by the process of achieving something, and some choose to be validated by the language of storytelling. How are you ever to achieve a goal if all you ever do is talk about it, instead of working on the daily process of achieving the goal?

“I’m Gonna Gain 15 Pounds guys… I’m Gonna Do It!”

The second kind of validation that exists is validation by process. In the moment, this isn’t the best feeling. It always feels better to tell someone your plan, and have them approve of it enough in the moment. That sense of “in the moment” approval  allows you to slack off on the long term process of achieving your goals. This is because in the moment, the long term process of saving for Australia means that you have to start making those sacrifices right now.

Not today, not tomorrow, right now.

If you make a wish, to go to Australia, and you start telling everyone, that means the validation by language is where your ego will derive it’s sense of self worth. If you already feel worthy, why would you want to make self – sacrifices. Every time you catch yourself telling people about your plan to go to Australia, it means you slack off on the process of getting there. Every story that you tell is one less dollar you’re saving for your trip.

Now that you understand this, validation by process means that validation by language is a lower form of validation. Validation by process means that instead of having someone in your ear whispering “That’s cool, man!” You have yourself whispering in your ear going “Keep going, man! It’s going to be worth it.”

Make a wish, and don’t tell anyone. As soon as you tell someone your wish, their momentary approval will be enough to slack off on the hard work of obtaining your ultimate vision. Achieving goals is tough, and it lightens the weight when you start talking about it. In fact, it lightens the weight of process so much, that you realize that it’s easier to talk about it than to actually do it.

Avoid the Pitfall

Make a wish, but don’t tell anybody. The only person you should tell about your wish is yourself, and a couple of your extremely close friends, to hold yourself accountable to your wish. When others ask of your wish, tell them that you’re working towards it. If you want to loose 50 pounds, don’t tell everyone that you interact with. People will start to notice when you start loosing serious weight. When they notice, thank them, and talk about it if they’re curious about how you’re doing it. Always remember though, the process is what got you there in the first place. Don’t allow the validation by language (“Wow, you look so good!”) to keep you from slacking off on the validation by process (Feeling a sense of integrity, being at the gym when you don’t want to be).

What’s YOUR Wish?

If you’re planning to travel to Australia, stop storytelling and start saving. The more validation by language you receive, the less self – sacrifices you’ll be able to make in your attempts to “save” for your trip.

Your ego is your sense of self worth. One can derive their sense of self worth from talking about themselves, but the greatest, limitless people are the ones that take more action and speak less for approval. The humble, the meek, are the ones that make it to limitless potential.

It is only when you have the approval of yourself that you will be internally validated, validated by process. This means that you approve of yourself, and the approval of others is irrelevant. Approval of yourself is long – term, this is why setting goals and achieving those goals feels so good. The only way that you have approval of yourself is if you are, every day, working towards your ultimate vision.


Categories
Adventures Lifestyle Mental Performance

A Letter To My Younger Self…

If I could write a letter to my 17 year old self, it’ll be something like this…

Dear Myke,

If you really want something bad enough for your life, but don’t know how to get it, do your best to find someone who’s already doing it. “I don’t know how” is not an excuse. Look in the mirror. Notice you have two ears and one mouth. When you finally find this person, shut the hell up, listen and follow their advice.

Doing what the majority is doing is a one way ticket to mediocrity. Never allow someone’s opinion to crush your dreams. It’s ok to be weird. Who cares? “It’s not gonna work” just means they don’t know how to do it. They’ve never done it before! Ignore people that claim to know what is best for you without living what they are teaching. This is a recipe for disaster. Would you take a financial tip from a bum? If you did, you’ll be spinning your wheels and end up exactly where you started. Hella lost and confused!

Make time and take responsibility to educate yourself. Learning shouldn’t stop after school. Turn off the TV. Do it, especially when you don’t feel like it. Read anything you can get your hands on how to achieve your goals. Your life should be a product of your decisions not your emotions. You can conquer fear with knowledge.

Don’t forget to start implementing the things you’ve learned too, especially from the “been-there-done-that” individuals. Remember that an ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. If not, it’s all mental masturbation. Don’t jerk off your brain!

Just so you know, there is plenty of room at the top. Most people aren’t willing to drive the extra mile to get what they want. They are not committed enough to take the necessary actions day by day to achieve the goals they have set for themselves. Pick your priorities and stop stepping over dimes to pick up pennies.

And NEVER FORGET…

Always make time to nurture the relationships that you have. It’s the only thing that matters at the end of the day, well beyond any material possession you’ll ever accumulate. Putting others needs above yours, showing your compassion and support for them is something that you simply can’t put a price tag on.

Also, be mindful who you share a piece of your heart with. You only have so much to give out. Your body isn’t a rodeo and your heart isn’t a commodity that you pass around like a cake. It’s not an all-you-can-eat buffet but the substance of who you are. When someone asks you for your heart, they’re really asking a chunk of your life. Find someone who’s rowing their boat the same direction as your and never ask them to do anything you wouldn’t do.

Remember all of this Myke, and you will never be hungry, lonely, and without purpose!

Sincerely,
Myke

PS. I like how you spelled your name, it’s pretty cool!

Categories
Attracting Women

Easy to Implement Strategy for Meeting Girls in Class

Leah Dizon Cute School GirlIt’s been a week or two since students have headed back to the classroom for another year of the daily school grind. It’s back to hitting the books and being broke as fcuk.

Being back at school definitely isn’t the most pleasant of endeavors, but if you make the best of the situation there are many benefits as well. (I’m seriously jealous of anybody living in rez!)

With school back in session, I’ve had plenty of people sending me e-mails and hitting me up on Facebook asking how they can approach that cutie in class. What’s the best strategy? If I approach will she think I’m creepy? What if she’s always sitting next to other guys? Oh noesssss?

None of that matters, and actually meeting girls in class is incredibly easy.

Before you approach, understand this:

The key to meeting girls in class is to be relaxed. Remember that you need to calibrate yourself to your environment. The classroom is a low-key friendly place, so it’s important to act accordingly. You don’t need anything over the top, just a nice casual cool guy vibe.

The Approach

Now that you have a good vibe, you need to approach. It’s time to make your own opportunities, create your own options. Mom isn’t here to do it for you anymore. It’s time to be assertive and go after what you want. There is only one thing you need to do to meet her: put yourself in a position to do so. Maybe you can show up early to class, maybe stay a minute later. Ideally you have the opportunity to sit next to her. Whatever the case may be, you just need to talk to her for 2 minutes.

When you approach you want to do it from the frame of meeting your classmates. You’re just being that friendly guy. It’s a great idea to meet everyone in your class, and use that as an excuse to meet her too. It really is as simple as introducing yourself to her. Wam bam thank you mam.

So what about getting her number?

Now this is where you want to switch up your strategy. Think about the dynamics of a classroom for a second. You’re going to be spending the next semester together a couple times a week, so if you ask for her number you’re likely to get it. However I would recommend against this, at least initially. If she isn’t interested in you yet, and the relationship lacks that mutual attraction, then asking for her number will make her feel trapped. She has no choice. This creates a lose-lose situation. She has to give out her number to avoid the awkwardness, but now she will be flaky in return. Come with a different approach and you can have different results.

facebook logoInstead of grabbing her number, I would recommend getting her Facebook. Tell her this way you two can ask each other questions if you have them or share notes. If she misses a class you can email her anything she missed, and vice versa. This approach is much more casual, and will allow her the space to not feel trapped into a relationship she isn’t sure she wants… yet. It makes her comfortable. You also avoid the chance of rejection because pretty much anybody will give out his or her Facebook, especially if it’s a classmate. Now you have an opportunity to continue talking to her – outside of the classroom – and build that connection, just like you want.

This is about working smart not hard.

Once you have them on Facebook, it’s super easy to grab their number. If you see them on Facebook chat, message them something casual but with energy. I like to avoid saying “hey what’s up” and instead elect to ask something I’m curious about. From here simple fluff talk will do for the next few minutes. (Disclaimer: Don’t sit on Facebook all day waiting for her. If you see her you see her, if not you’ll see her in class.)

For iPhone users: Get the app called “Facebook Messenger.” The chat/messenger functions work much better than the big Facebook app. Highly recommended.

After talking for a few minutes I simply say this:

“ahhhh shit, I gotta go, what’s your number I’ll text you sometime.”

It rarely fails. Adding a sense of urgency makes it seem more casual and spontaneous, and is congruent to your desire to simply continue the conversation. The best part is that now instead of being that creepy guy from class that got her number, you are the friend on Facebook who got her number. In my experience she is more likely to respond how she normally would, without the heightened defenses you’d be dealing with if you got her number in class.

Try this out and let me know how it goes. Remember if she’s from your class be super chill and easy-going early on. Take things slower than usual, but when the opportunities are there make sure you escalate. She’s back to school and single, so she’s ready to party.

take it easy tiger

Make sure you share this post with your fellow students. They will love you for it. I use this same strategy to go out with bartenders in the nightclub. Watch the video below: