Categories
Adventures Lifestyle Mental Performance

6 Lessons to Keep in Mind When Shit Happens.

why

Shit happens!

And it usually happens when we least expect it. I’ve had a lot of shit happen to me but I’m not gonna go through much detail about them.

Look, I’m not here to take sympathy cards. I am here to share some lessons I’ve learned to stay on top, not just cope, but even come out better!

  • It’s not Permanent
    When shit happens it’s all good to feel like crap at first, it’s a normal reaction. Just remember, being defeated is a temporary condition, giving up is what makes it permanent.
  • Perspective is Priceless.
    I didn’t buy the first car I test drove. There was nothing wrong with it, it’s just not what I wanted. It would’ve been perfect for somebody else, just not for me.
    It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you frame it. Your outlook is a direct reflection of how you see yourself. When a girl at the bar rejects you, do you say “Fuck, I’m such a piece of shit?” Hell no. “We’re just not compatible” is how I like it.
  • Creativity is a Must
    When shit happens, it breaks your day to day routine. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for yourself, focus on what you “can do” rather than what you can’t. I pinched a nerve in my neck which set me back from training for 6 months. K, fine so I couldn’t train, what did I do? I started writing, I read dozens of great books, blogs and articles in 6 months that planted seeds of ideas, learned how to build a website, found a more efficient way to eat and train and met dozens and dozens fantastic people with great perspective. I guess being injured was a blessing that I needed.
  • Be Relentless
    “I don’t know how” translates to “I don’t want it bad enough.” It is a poor excuse. That tells me you want more but you’re way too comfortable to do anything about it. Remember, the enemy of “great” isn’t “bad” but “good enough.” We live in a world where the information you need is a mouse click away. Google this, YouTube that, Facebook this person and Voila!
  • Don’t make a Plan, sort of.
    It’s all cool to make a plan when shit happens. It looks great on paper, but sometimes it doesn’t translate directly in the real world. Don’t be attached to it. Things change moment to moment, then what? Your 20 page life plan is now useless. That’s like planning to win a chess game and having all your moves written out before you even play. That’s impossible! Define your destination, follow through and make adjustments along the way, kinda like driving with a GPS.
  • Surround Yourself With Good People
    “Oh that sucks man”  The last thing I want to hear when shit happens is how crappy the situation is. I need solutions, not sympathy. I need people to kick my ass and tell me “Hey man, it’s all good, don’t worry about it.” You are the average of your five closest friends. Evaluate yourself. Are you broke? Out of shape? Depressed? In a shitty relationship? Where are you getting your advice from anyway?

What do you think? What do you do when shit happens? Let me know by commenting below.

Categories
Mental Performance Social Gym

The Social Gym: The First Bootcamp

uncomfortableSocial Gym Day 13: The Bootcamp

Today was fucking crazy, holy aids. Social Gym’s been in place for about a month now, and I’m starting to become more confident with it. Facing my fears, getting the feedback necessary to move forward and develop my passions to the level that I’m at.

I was uncomfortable going into today, extremely uncomfortable. I believe it to be because I was unsure of how I was going to handle this bootcamp. If there’s one big thing I’ve realized today, is that asking myself the “how” questions is irrelevant. I feel like I just need to jump in, and see what happens. If I fail, that’s good. That’s feedback telling me that I need to improve something. Failure is simply an external element of your life, that tells you that your process isn’t good enough yet.

Life is all about process, life is all about growth. Anytime somebody fails, it isn’t because they are inadequate. It is because they are not ready yet. The un–intelligent individual fails than gives up, thinking that they aren’t worth it. The smart way to look at any “failure” is feedback, telling you that you need to tighten something up.

I want to talk about value, and perceptions of value. The last 12 days Mikey B and I have been going on the street and approaching random people without purpose. The sole purpose was to improve our social skills and push our comfort zones. Over the course of the past 12 days in field (Been 4 weeks in total, 3 days per week) we’ve learned that we’re on to something more than just pushing your comfort zone.

At first, it was scary to go out. For real, I would feel a certain anxiety whenever I walked onto the streets. As the days pass, it gets less scary to walk out of my house. My anxiety lay in something else now, my anxiety lay in continuing the conversation.

Before this weekend, I realized that it was because I was talking about shit that I didn’t care about at all. This weekend I came to a couple of realizations so far. The first one is this: if you’re training your social skills, and you start becoming selective with who you talk to, you’re looking for reasons not to talk to people. If you start to look for reasons not to talk to some people, you’ll look for reasons not to talk to everyone. Now, when you see that girl that you’re attracted to, instead of looking for a reason to talk to her, you’re looking for a reason to walk away.

Ahh, that was the mindset at first. Now there’s more though. This is the mindset that I’ve began to cultivate over the past couple of days. Instead of looking for reasons not to talk to people, I’m looking for reasons to talk to everyone. “Hey, really quick, I like your jacket. Where’d you get it?” Is the reason to talk to “X” individual. Than I’ll see if that reason lines up with my perception of value. Do I already have a winter jacket? Yes. That means that talking to this person isn’t worth my time when I’m not on Social Gym.

processDuring Social Gym, though, I’m talking to everybody. The reason I’m doing this, is so that I have the ability to talk to anybody. If I’m consistently facing my fears, and overcoming stronger emotions, I’ll be in touch with my core emotions. I believe that the ego is designed to keep you emotionally numb. When fear arises, insecurity arises, lack of self worth comes to the surface… the logical mind plays a part in justifying the reasons behind acting through the emotional mind. I believe we were designed to be emotional creatures, and the logical part of your mind was designed to show you how to BEST convey your emotion, not how to mask it.

The ego is designed to keep you emotionally numb. You feel scared, so you fight somebody. You feel insecure, so you point out a flaw in someone else, so that the environment’s focus is off of yourself. You feel a low sense of self worth, so you validate the identity that you’d love to be through language of vision, and memories. “I’m going to be a football player!” “I want to loose 30 pounds.” “I used to be such a great fighter.” The ego is designed to keep you emotionally numb.

the egoThe only way to overcome your ego is to face your emotions. This means that when you see something that scares the fuck out of you, you should be doing it. There’s always going to be a reason not to do it. “I don’t have time,” “It’s not worth my time,” but understand that these justifications that you’re making, that I’m making, for inaction, is not who I am. This is my ego speaking, my logical mind.

I believe the ego to be communicating with the logical mind, and the emotional being to be communicating through the emotional mind. Men tend to veer from their emotions, thus, have bigger egos than women. Women tend to embrace their emotion, discussing it and venting through it to their friends. Men mask their emotion with external validation, validation by language and denial of the emotion all together.

At the core of our being, we are all emotional creatures. The one who communicates emotionally is the one who prospers in this world. Value is based on emotion, the more value that you give, the more positive the emotion that you instill in somebody else. The more value that you take, the more negative the emotion that you instill in somebody else. Social Dynamics says that you give value freely, this means that you continuously instill positive emotions in other people without expecting anything in return.

This means that you’ve got to be validated by the process, because expecting something in return means that you would want them to validate you back through language. If someone has to validate you back to get your sense of happiness, this means that you’re not validated by the process of anything. You’re validated by language. If you’re validated by language, even if it’s for the right reasons, you’re slacking off on the process of the present moment. What is the process of the present moment? Living up to your ideal version of your identity, by every day, taking steps towards that identity. Living by process means that you know who you want to become, and every day you take a step towards becoming that person. Although we may never be perfect, you keep moving forward.

Failure is only failure for those who give up. For those who dedicate themselves to the process, failure is one step closer to success. Failure just means that you’re not ready yet. Learn the lesson from your failure, and move forward more aware of how to be ready for anything.

Thanks for reading,

Brian Mark

Categories
Attracting Women

My Secret Weapon for Building Connections and Taking Them to the Next Level

A few days ago I wrote about how “the results you are looking for aren’t measured in phone numbers, make-outs or lays, but in connections.” How can you expect to get the results you are looking for if you are looking for the wrong results? At the end of my post I promised to reveal my secret weapon for building connections and taking them to the next level. Without further a due, meet our favorite software application: Skype.

What? Really? Skype?

skype
Absolutely. Let me explain.

Being actively involved in the pick-up and self-improvement communities for many years now, I have had the opportunity to meet thousands of unique people, many of whom I stay in touch with to this day. But there’s a catch: Out of everyone I have met, there’s only a handful that I have developed strong emotional connections with, where we had romantic feelings for one another, and all that other jazz.

When you approach someone you’re attracted to, the end result you hope for is that it turns into something romantic. You hope for the best. As a coach and mentor, I continually strive to take my instructing to the next level and optimize to bring my students relationships to this level. When I meet my business partner, Kevin Choo, something he taught me was to backwards engineer skillsets. When you have a desired outcome or result, you want to create a game plan of how to get there. Taking the time to prepare properly will make a significant difference in the amount of energy it takes to get there.

Instead of developing this game plan based on the beginning, start at the end. Then backwards engineer how you get there. Wam bam thank you mam.

When it comes to the handful of strong connections I’ve developed with girls, I noticed a consistent pattern. Skype was that pattern. This isn’t surprising to me, because back in the day when MSN was popular, I developed strong connections with many girls through the use of webcam and video chat.

couple on beach

Here are 5 reasons why Skype is a great tool to use for building connections and taking them to the next level:

  • After getting a girls number, a lot of guys run into the issue of not being able to get them on the phone. Not getting her on the phone significantly decreases your chances of getting her on a date. One of my suggestions to fix this is to get her Facebook instead. It’s casual and relaxed, which keeps people comfortable. To get her on Skype from Facebook Chat, simply ask if she has Skype. If she does, add her and just say that Facebook Chat is gay and it always fucks up. Most laptops nowadays have webcams so she likely has Skype. If not you can help her install it. No need to make this more complicated.
  • Another reason why Skype is so powerful is because you can now see their facial expressions and body language. The issue with “text based conversations” is that you are only using 7% of communication, and missing out on 93%. This is a serious gap when communicating. Skype brings communication back to where it should be, and now you avoid that risk of having what you say be misinterpreted.
  • I find on Skype you end up dealing with less distractions. When they are on Facebook chat, they have Facebook open, and distractions are plentiful without a doubt. Facebook is like World of Warcraft, you just want to explore it. Ever found yourself looking through someone’s photos on Facebook that you don’t even know? Just some random? Yet you are creeping all of their photos anyways? Exactly, me too. The reason is because people are generally curious, and Facebook does an amazing job of keeping you curious. They make money by keeping you on their website as long as possible.
  • For some reason, I don’t know why, but when you can see someone’s face on webcam while chatting with them, the conversations last so much longer. It’s not uncommon for me to work at home while having a Skype conversation for multiple hours. Not only am I still able to get my work done, but I also have a great conversation at the same time. It’s different than browsing Facebook at work, because you don’t have those distractions to go along with it.
  • The Skype Date. If you are at home and have a conversation on webcam with a girl for a few hours, that is very similar to you two hanging out on a date. It’s crazy actually. Sure you can’t kino, but there’s still a massive connection you can build and don’t forget, that sexual tension. 😉

Try it out and let me know what you think. You don’t always have to talk on video chat; you can even just have the webcam on and turn your mic off. Just being able to see someone’s face will make a big difference in your conversations. I’m not kidding when I say this is a tool I use to build massive connections with people.

Last thing: Brian just released his new book, “Up to This Point – Social Dynamics Revealed”. You can get it for free by subscribing to the newsletter. Check it out and let him know what you think. It’s over 100 pages of the best Social Dynamics theory and practical advice for application out there. Don’t miss out.

Categories
Lifestyle

What Separates Success from Failure?

“I’m going to lose 10 pounds of fat by the end of the summer!” Your friend exclaims to you in exhilaration. You support her, she sounds like she’s going after this goal. The fact that she’s set a goal too, man. Props. Most people don’t make it that far. Usually, people don’t set goals because they want to avoid the disappointment of a failed goal.

You notice your friend not telling only you, but telling everyone around you about her plan to lose 10 pounds. It seems the conversation never lives in the moment, she always finds a way to bring up her plan of losing 10 pounds in conversation. July rolls by and you don’t see any sign of success in your compadre, The August days pass like hours in a single day. The end of the summer rolls around and you ask your friend how her goal went.

“Man! This summer just got so busy that it was hard to focus on my goals.”

A month ago I wrote an article on “The Reason for ALL of Your Failed Goals”. In this article, I talked about Validation by Language, and Validation by Process.

In the past few days in deep conversation with Kingpin Social Instructor Kevin Choo, we’ve brought more clarity to Validation by Language. In the past couple of days, we’ve discovered the three forms in which Validation by Language exists, and the entity that it fuels.

Validation by Language exists to maintain good emotions. Validation by Language exists to maintain positive emotions when one slacks on the long term process of working towards things that they want to get done. Validation by Language exists in memories, when one tells stories of the past to justify slacking off in the present moment. Validation by Language exists in the present, when one points out the insecurities in others to remove the spotlight of the insecurities of themselves. Validation by Language also exists in the future, preaching stories of vision without any present – moment action.

Existing in the Past

The failed athlete has stories of his past to validate his identity as an athlete. “I used to be a star, man. You should have seen my tapes.” We all have a vision  of what we ought to be, and if that image isn’t being fulfilled in the present moment, through process, we validate our identity through language. This type of identity validation is short term, because there’s only so long that people will listen to your stories of games played before they get sick of hearing them.

Existing in the Present

The insecure bully points out the flaws in others, to avoid the environment hating on the bully. In social situations there is always a “social ladder” whether we choose to be aware of it or not. This social ladder has the people who are the highest value on the top, and the lowest value at the bottom. Think on a movie set. Brad Pitt walks in to the room. Brad Pitt is on the top of the social ladder, the Janitor in the room is at the bottom of the social ladder.

The insecure bully has a low sense of self worth, so he gets his validation by language through putting others at the bottom of the social ladder with humor. This only lasts so long, if the environment feels bad for the victim than it is the bully that will lose.

The intelligent bully, however, instills positive emotion while pointing out the flaw in others. Think of the funny asshole in high school, the guy who makes fun of other people at work and gets laughs. The external world may react to him, and give him validation by language, but on the inside that is the man that has the lowest sense of self worth. The validation by language this man receives is enough to justify slacking off on the process of the present moment.

Existing in the Future

This is the third type of Validation by Language, and this is the kind I wrote the previous article for. This type of Validation by Language means that one is telling their plans of future goals, aspirations, long term processes.

As soon as one receives validation for their long term goals, their aspirations, their dreams, that short term validation is enough to slack off on the process of the moment. Achieving your goals is hard, in the moment. Talking about achieving your goals is easy. Talking about becoming that person you want to be is easy, becoming that person is never as easy.

Truth is, validation by language and validation by process both exist in the moment. They’re also both short term. The moment that you start the process is just a moment, you must continue to make those decisions to stick to the process instead of tell your story. As soon as you catch yourself telling your story, it means that you’re slacking off on the process of achieving your goals, your dreams, your aspirations.

Talk About Being Somebody, or Be Somebody

You can’t do both, over the long term. Dedicating yourself to growing over the long term isn’t easy, in the moment. It means that you’ve got to make self sacrifices, you’ve got to say “no” to some people, you’ve got to rid yourself of moments of instant pleasure. Instant pleasure is long term pain, because anything that’s worth your time is worth the long term process.

The “long term process” isn’t a long term process, though. It’s two things. It’s long term, and it’s a process. If you want to start the process of achieving your goals, becoming who you want to be, start the process. Understand that it’s only the start. The process never ends, because it is not an outcome. Life is a journey, not a destination.

Starting on your own is never easy, especially if you’re setting goals without a vision in mind. Is your vision what you want it to be? This moment that you’re reading this article, your mind makes a decision. That decision is to read it, go “that was interesting” and go back on Facebook, or message me and ask me how you can get started on a long term process. Ask me how you can become validated by process, instead of by language.

The best part about becoming validated by process, is that you don’t need to be validated by anybody. Why would you care what anybody thought of you, if you were doing what you loved with your life? Doing what you want with your life means that you’re experiencing a deep – rooted emotion called happiness.

Human beings are emotional creatures, it is the universal language that ties us all together. Asian, Korean, Chinese, doesn’t matter. We all understand emotion, and it is the most effective means of communication. An individual with deep – rooted happiness is a High Value individual. A High Value individual benefits in this external world by getting raises, promotions, job opportunities, dating opportunities, and prospers in any part of humanity that involves talking to another person.

The best part? You don’t need the approval of anybody, if you have the approval of yourself. Send me a message today, and start becoming validated by process, and learn how to do it from people who are happy to share their knowledge.

**** Up to This Point, a book by Kingpin Social has been released! This book dives into the cheat codes of the Social World that we live in today. With theory tried and field tested, Up to This Point gives you the step by step process to improving every relationship in your life. Download the book here. ***

Categories
Attracting Women Dates Lifestyle Relationships

The ‘Squeezed Puppy’ Effect: How You Kill Your Dating Life

I was searching for topic ideas to discuss for Kingpin Social when a friend of mine came up with a great question that I think hits home with a lot of girls- and even guys. This is what she asked me: “Why do guys always want you once your almost completely out of the relationship?”

Let me paint the scenario. You have been interested in this guy, you guys have a great connection and you love spending time with him. You message him everyday, you ask him to hang out, and you start to create a more physical connection. Bow chica bow wow! You’re falling for this guy, and its apparent with how much you talk about him to your friends, to your family, and even to him! “You’re so great” you gush as you hold his hand and picture the perfect scenery of the two of you falling in love. Then- you feel him pull away, he starts to become more busy- he just cant seem to make the time for you to see each other! What a jerk! “Doesn’t he like me? What did I do wrong?”

You squeezed the puppy.

This is when you want something/someone so much that you end up squeezing the life out of it. The guy (or girl) that you like is like a cute little puppy and if you squeeze it too much you will suffocate him and he will run away. You will often hear me say “Don’t squeeze the puppy!” whenever I hear of guys and girls putting too much into the relationship and the other person is no where to be seen or doesn’t really even seem to care. This is a sure sign that you are investing too much, the thrill of the chase is gone and the dude already knows he could play you like a fiddle. Now that’s sexy.

Guys this goes for the same for girls! Yeah we love to be chased but we don’t want you to be drooling all over us and putting us on a pedestal. In my last relationship with a really good guy, he did just that! He was a lot more invested in dating me than I was to him and he made me feel like the end all, be all. It was flattering, but uninteresting and incredibly overwhelming! I really liked him but he came on really strong with his mushy gushy lyrical texts, grabbing my hand, singing me love songs with his guitar or affectionately pushing my hair out of my face. So what did I do? I ran! I told him he needed to see other people, and I was going to do the same. He was crushed- but that’s because he went in with 110% and I was at around 50%.

So what do you do?

You need to calibrate yourself to the relationship and really be aware of where that person is at and know how to move the relationship forward when the timing is right. It sounds really complicated, but it’s not! It’s learning awareness of body language, tonality, and to have a grasp on what they are interested in having from the get-go. If you end up seeing someone who just got out of a relationship, chances are they don’t want to rush into another one. So anything that gives off the ‘relationship’ vibe I would avoid until they are ready again. If they want a relationship and you just want to have fun, then you need to communicate that in a specific way that they won’t give all the have in to that relationship and you end up looking like an asshole for not being honest from the beginning. Communication and constant awareness is crucial.

Keep in mind that you are part of that relationship as much as they are and don’t settle for something you don’t want to be apart of. If you want a serious boyfriend then you should be finding someone who is interested in getting into another relationship rather than hooking up with the dude who parties every weekend and cringes every time you go to hold his hand. Know your worth, and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t make you feel good and doesn’t give back as much as they receive. A relationship is never truly equal, its always a system of giving and receiving, but know when a guy or girl is giving you the run around and wasting your time.

Summary

Moving forward, calibrate your relationships and have total awareness. Don’t squeeze the puppy by overwhelming the object of your affection and not living your own life. Make sure you are staying just as busy and don’t give up any hobbies or interests of your own just to be with a guy or a girl. That is a huge red flag and he or she will know that they are slowly becoming the centre of your world, and sure enough they will run away. Remember that the thrill of the chase is a lot more fun than you just lying on the ground and being like “Hey, if you want me, take me!” Know your self-worth, communicate effectively, and be with someone who knows how awesome you are and wants the same things.

Categories
Social Dynamics

What You Are Actually After, And How to Stop Wasting Your Time Doing Stupid Shit

Yo!

For the last three years I have been a full-time instructor for the company I founded with Kevin Choo, Kingpin Social. The program we offer is a 3-day intensive: “The Bootcamp.” It’s called a bootcamp because it is intense. Three days and twenty-four hours of personalized Social Dynamics training. Time and time again, I’ve seen the bootcamp change lives. I have taught over 100 bootcamps, many here in my hometown of Calgary, Canada, and others internationally.

Every bootcamp starts the same. We sit down for a value filled discussion about Social Dynamics and how to apply it to your own life. It’s a discussion because we are talking about you, with you, instead of merely to you. It’s a discussion not a lecture. How could a course be personalized if the teacher wasn’t applying each concept to you, personally, instead of to you as a generalized member of society? For us to personalize it to you, we need you to take part as well!

The discussion lasts between two to four hours. But theory without action is just mental masturbation, and mental masturbation is worthless. I’m not in the business of teaching people how to be worthless. So after this discussion, we go out and apply the concepts in a real-life real-time setting. Talk about intense. “To the lions you go!” Wow, that sounded really gay. Bootcamp isn’t gay at all. It’s fucking badass. And there’s no better way to improve your social skills than having a coach right there beside you, watching you interact, seeing your body language, hearing your tonality, feeling your vibe. It’s no different than working out with a personal trainer, or having a tutor in school.

it's never too late to be what you might have been

The world is a social place. If you understand the social side of your life, you have a major advantage. Having that advantage only makes sense. So it only makes that much more sense to learn from someone who understands it better. Just like people already do at school, in the gym, or in sports. Why not in your social life? That is where the bootcamp comes in.

Because every bootcamp involves different people, new students taking the program and a fresh set of people walking about or partying at the popular nightspots, no bootcamp can be the same. Each one is unique. Every day of “work” different than the next. Talk about a sick job. It is.

thug life

People take the program for one reason only: they want to improve.

This means every bootcamp I teach, I have an intense focus to push these guys (or girls) as far as they can go. I want them to see results. Not only is this how my business makes money, but there is no feeling better in the world than seeing someone improve. “Nothing inspires me more than inspiring someone else.” as @Chris_Dowsett says.

By showing our students results, not only do their lives improve but they also spread the word, and then their friends lives improve too. Win-win situation if I’ve ever seen one. The ironic part is that the process we teach them to see results is to avoid focusing on their results at all. Instead, focus on the process of growing. Part of the process to see results is to set goals. And we all know how important goal setting is.

Bootcamp also follows a process. At the start of every bootcamp, the student will sign a registration form. At some point during the weekend the student will be doing well, and at some point not so much. Ups and downs along the road. And at the end he will shake my hand to thank me for the program, “I had an awesome weekend and learned a lot, thank you!”… well, hopefully!

Part of the process of bootcamp involves setting goals. We do this every night, just prior to heading out to apply these concepts in person.

Typically goals would be starting conversations with a certain amount of people, getting “5” girls phone numbers, or maybe making out with someone. “But I thought Kingpin Social taught Social Dynamics, why would you base goals around getting a girls phone number?” This is correct, and I agree with your skepticism. It shows you are taking things seriously and holding the people who give you advice to a higher standard.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone at Kingpin Social has always taught Social Dynamics, the Art of Getting Along with Anybody. But for the past few years we taught Social Dynamics by teaching it to you in dating, and your relationships with the opposite sex.

Sometime during this past summer, Kevin and I made the decision to make the full transition to teach the bootcamp, and Social Dynamics, by teaching it in your whole life. This means on the program we aren’t only approaching girls, but also guys. We aren’t only getting numbers to go on dates, but also to create business opportunities and network. The whole nine yards.

This meant the concepts I would teach during the bootcamp needed to be congruent to our new style. The transition was easy to be honest. The bootcamp evolved and is now better than ever. Well, except in one area. Whenever it came time to set goals for the night, I felt weird. Setting goals for numbers or make outs didn’t feel accurate. How is having a goal of making out with a girl helping their Social Dynamics skill level up if the goal doesn’t apply to networking, or for building normal friendships? That goal is one-dimensional at best and thus, useless.

But I didn’t really know what the other goals were I could set other than approaching a certain number of people, getting a girls number or participating in some French kissing. Ugh. Thankfully during a recent bootcamp I was able to solve this puzzle, and with it, simplify Social Dynamics that much more, at least for myself.

keep it simple stupid

The answer began to take shape during the first day’s discussion period. My student was telling a story from earlier in the day. He was at Sunridge Mall shopping, when he saw a girl he found attractive. Naturally he approached her. The conversation went well, and at one point, she even mentioned how she had some free time. This was a perfect opportunity to invite her for coffee, right then and there. The spontaneous date. I love it. This would have extended the interaction and gave them an opportunity to continue getting to know one another. Awesome. But instead, he just grabbed her number and went on with his day. What?

My student went on to describe how this is a common problem of his and the amount of frustration it continues to cause him. You could even hear it in his voice. Right then the answer to not only his problem but also the one I’ve been trying to solve came to mind.

“The reason you are frustrated and have this problem is because you have the wrong goals. If your goal is a number, you will only do the actions that get you that number. If your goal is her number, then it doesn’t make sense to go for coffee with her right away. Even though going for coffee with her then and there would build a connection quicker, increasing your chance of seeing her again and continuing to progress towards any type of relationship.”

To develop a relationship you need to have a connection. Different types of relationships involve different types of connections. This is simple math. So the goal you set shouldn’t be based on numbers, make-outs or getting laid, but simply, connections.

“Your goal tonight isn’t to worry about how many numbers you get, it is only to develop 5 connections.”

With this as a goal, now we have to develop the process to complete it. In its simplest form, and the only one we will use in this blog post, it is this: “Take the path that leads to the level of connection you currently want.” If you want to take the relationship to the level of Acquaintance, you may just grab the persons Facebook, and stay in touch every once in awhile on there. In my students case, he approached this girl because he found her attractive, and after talking with her for five to ten minutes still had an interest in growing the relationship, so the path to the connection he is looking for would be to grab coffee with her without hesitation.

He wouldn’t even need to think about it, or practice the move fifty times. He doesn’t need to put in the reps. The mentality he has would allow him to make the move he needs to, naturally. Who wouldn’t want that?

“But if my goal is to develop connections, how does it apply to getting a girls number? Or make outs?”

Both still apply. The only difference is that getting a girls number only applies when you are genuinely interested in continuing that interaction. If you aren’t than there is no need. You could just grab her Facebook instead. Or when the connection you two feel is strong enough in the moment that you want to make out, then that is exactly what you should do. Making out is just an expression of the connection you two share. Go to town and have some fun!

collect moments not things

From here on out, let’s stop focusing on how many numbers we get, or how many times we’ve been laid this year, because none of it matters at all. The only thing that matters is the number of connections we’ve made, be it Acquaintances, Friends, Best Friends or Lovers. At the end of the day each one is important to have, and good Social Dynamics provides them all. My hope for you is that you develop all of them, and take each and every one to the depths it should. It’s time to go out there and make it happen!

On Friday I will be writing a follow-up post to this one, unveiling my secret weapon for taking connections to the next level. Make sure you subscribe below so you don’t miss out. If you haven’t subscribed yet stop being a baby about it and put your e-mail address in. Each and every post I read on this site pushes me to be that much better in my life, and helps me grow. Even though I write for the blog, I’m still its biggest fan, and take each post seriously. It can do the same for you!

BONUS: If you personally e-mail me, I will send you an audio recording of the two hour discussion that inspired this post. Seriously. I’ll say it again. You will get a two-hour audio recording from one of my bootcamps. I’ve never done this before. And I’m not even sure if I should. But fuck it. E-mail me.

Categories
Attracting Women

Become the Intelligent Conversationalist

blind dateIt’s 10:30pm. The radio plays your favorite song as you sing at the top of your lungs in the shower. The date is set for 11pm, as you run through your mind the possible outcomes of the date.

Last night you and Sarah hit it off at the club, you’re feeling good about the evening. The only problem was that you were pretty drunk, and you hope that you can bring the same energy that you brought last night. The date is set! Dinner and a movie, seems casual, right? That’s what they did back in the 60’s, it must work now.

You drive up to Sarah’s house and she jumps into your car. You start talking to her, but your nerves begin to get to you. Your voice is quiet when you speak, your eye contact is weak throughout the date. You speak with uncertainty, and the date rolls by with an awkward aura.

The date seems to crawl by, but Sarah’s hot and you want another shot at her. When dropping Sarah off, you ask for a second date.

Sarah: Thanks! This was fun, but I’m really not feeling it.

“That girl was a bitch, bro..”

I always find it funny when guys ask me what to say to girls. Fumbling for words is never a good thing, but it’s not the words that makes it bad, it’s the fumbling.

If you haven’t read my first book, check it out here. In the book I talk about how 93% of communication is non–verbal, and only 7% is verbal. That’s awesome, but how do you talk to girls and apply this knowledge? I can speak from experience by saying that when I wrote the book, I didn’t fully understand how to apply the concepts.
This week has been extremely good. Social Gym has brought a lot of valuable lessons, and I’ve learned more about the other 93% of communication in these past two weeks than I have in the past 10 months.

Over the course of the past 10 months, I’ve been avid in improving my body language. I have daily posture exercises, and I ensure that my movements are calculated and confident. The external actions have an effect on the internal state. A lot of people feel confident, so they have confident body language as a result. You can feel insecure, and have confident body language, and it will work it’s way outside in.

I’ve never understood the tonality part, though. 93% is non–verbal. Of that 93%, 55% is Body Language, but we’re still left with the dreaded 38% of communication that has the ability to make or break your social interactions.

Tonality can be broken down into four basic categories. These categories have room for development, but these are the basic four as a starting template. Each one of these four categories is circumstantial based on the way we act through our emotions, but you can use these different kinds of pitch ranges to elicit different reactions.vocal pitch

There is “Breaking Rapport” tonality, “Neutral” tonality, “Seeking Rapport” tonality, and “Monotone”.

Breaking Rapport

Dogs don’t understand what you’re saying, but they understand how you’re saying it. If your dog takes a shit on your bed, you’re not going to welcome him in with your voice.

“Come’ere boy!”

You’re going to scorn him for shitting on your bed.

“HEY!”

Think of when your dad “isn’t yelling, but he’s raising his voice”. Breaking Rapport tonality means that you’re communicating with the other person that you don’t want something from them, in a way you want to scorn them. The vocal pitch in your voice curves downwards when you say something. “Hey!! You pooped on my bed!”As the dog runs and hides. Breaking rapport tonality comes out through emotion when one is angry, annoyed, pestered.

Monotone

boredI hate talking to people with no vocal fluctuation. Think of the teacher that lectured for hours without raising or lowering his vocal pitch. He says the same thing, as if reading it directly off of a piece of paper. You may recall using this tonality when your parents told you to clean your room.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it.”

Monotone responses convey that you’re not at all interested in what the other person is saying, or in what you’re saying. Monotone tonality naturally comes out when one is disinterested, or distant.

Seeking Rapport

You’re in the store at 5 years old and you see the toy that you want.

“Moooooommm! Cann I please have that??”

Seeking rapport tonality communicates that you want something from the other individual. Think of calling your dog with a warm, welcoming tone. Think of when you were young and you wanted something from the store, think of when your having a fight with your girlfriend.

“Babe, I’m sorry.”

Seeking Rapport tonality naturally comes out in times of nervousness, or when you’re anxious, and tends to be spoken from the throat instead of the chest.  Seeking Rapport tonality always communicates that you want something from the other individual. It comes across weak and beta.

Neutral

Neutral tonality is the best tonality to have. Neutral tonality fluctuates between breaking rapport, and seeking rapport. Neutral tonality is best communicated with a strong voice, speaking from the chest. Neutral is the best of all worlds. Neutral communicates that you’re emotionally stable.

clingy womanBreaking rapport, seeking rapport, and monotone tonality is all based on emotional responses to situations. Breaking rapport communicates that you are angry, monotone communicates that you are disinterested, seeking rapport communicates that you are nervous and wants something.

Neutral tonality means that you are in control of your emotions, and although we tend to act through them, neutral tonality communicates that one is emotionally stable. You have a wide range of emotions, and being in control of your tonality at all times allows you to communicate the tonality that you want, instead of letting your emotions dictate your tonality.

Tonality in Conversation

Each one of the different types of tonality has situational relevance. I’ll go into other articles on this topic, but some quick examples are this.

Breaking Rapport tonality is best used in the club, when communicating with high value individuals. “Hey. I just had to meet you,” spoken with a bit of sternness communicates neutrality. By saying “hey, I had to meet you,” you’re communicating interest. The way you say it though, communicates that you don’t need something from them. This is best in nightclub scenarios, because high value individuals are usually approached with individuals seeking rapport. The weak vocal pitch mixed with an opener of interest communicates that one is a low value individual.

Neutral Rapport tonality is best used in 90% of social interactions. Staying emotionally stable is an attractive quality. Fluctuate between seeking rapport, and breaking rapport tonality. (Raise your vocal pitch, and lower your vocal pitch in conversation.)

Try it right now. Say “Hey, come here” with a stern voice, then say “Hey, come here” with a warm, welcoming voice. Then meet in the middle with a neutral tonality. “Hey, come here.” Approaching people in the day, neutral tonality is the best kind to use, because no one wants to be scorned (breaking rapport) when awoken from their daze, but nobody wants to talk to somebody who wants something from them (seeking rapport). You need to be making sure you’re calibrating your energy to the environment.

Seeking Rapport tonality always communicates nervousness. This is the tonality that 99% of men fall into when they’re first out meeting new people, or when they’re on a date and the nerves get to them. Their vocal pitch fluctuates upwards; and this communicates one is nervous, or uneasy.

Avoid Seeking Rapport, and Monotone tonality. 99% of men communicate by seeking rapport. Become aware of this flaw, and fix it in your voice right now. Anytime someone rejects you, isn’t listening to you, or turns away from you, this means that your tonality isn’t communicating the right amount of value to them. Tonality and body language is the easiest way to communicate value to another individual, for a man who speaks up with the thoughts on his mind is a man who is always listened to.

It Actually IS How You Say It

The words that come out of your mouth are only worth 7% of communication. This means that as long as you aren’t being crude and vulgar, the words are nearly irrelevant. It’s how you’re communicating those words, that makes or breaks your social interaction. 55% of communication is body language (message me for help here), 38% of communication is tonality, and 7% of communication is words.

These three elements of conversation combine into 100% which creates your vibe. Everyone talks about vibes, but no one’s been able to define them. Your vibe is all three elements of communication combined into one. Get a handle on the 93%, and the 7% will be nearly irrelevant. You want to send those good vibrations, and leave people feeling with positive emotions? It starts with the way you’re saying the things that you are saying to them. Fix your vibe, apply the theory in this article.

There’ll be more articles based around “vibe” in the coming weeks. Until then, “Up to This Point”, a book by Kingpin Social, is going to be sent to your e-mail inbox! Check the book for groundbreaking definitions on Social Dynamics, and how you can use these cheat codes to improve every area of your life.

OH! And SUBSCRIBE!!!

(Stern Voice)

Categories
Attracting Women Dates Lifestyle

How Astrology Helps You Determine Perception of Value

Value = Connection

Dating

If you have been following along with the posts you have an understanding of the value scale. You now understand that in order to have solid relationships we need to have an exchange of value, this happens from either an internal or external place. To recap, internal value is a great connection or conversation whereas external value is something like grabbing a friend a coffee if they happen to perceive free coffee as valuable. Knowing what a particular person perceives as valuable gives us the necessary information to build a strong foundation for a relationship to blossom whether that is in the form of a friendship or possible love interest.

You have an awesome connection with a great guy/girl and you really want to make sure you come up with a great date idea that. If you take them on a date that brings them value then you not only make their day in a positive way but you are also going to be viewed as an awesome person to hang out with. You want to leave a lasting impression, one that makes you seem fun and understanding of what they enjoy. If you do this- date numero dos! 😉

Astrological Dating?

StarsHow can we improve our ability to determine someone’s perception of value besides asking the necessary questions or studying the 5 love languages? How about studying a person’s astrological sign?

Now I know a few of the guys reading this are thinking “typical chick” to be telling you to try this approach but there is a lot of valuable information in Astrology and you are crazy not to try and educate yourself in multi-faceted ways. (Think: making the best out of all situations. Being open-minded to learning more about what the world has to offer.) The more you know about him/her, the more you are able to bring them value and make an outstanding impression.  Astrology is an easy avenue with how many books and websites are dedicated on explaining the different personalities of each sign, so why wouldn’t you utilize it? This is one more tool under your belt and more than likely gives you an edge in impressing her over other guys.

“What’s your sign baby?”

First of all, you’re going to need to know their birthday. Thankfully Facebook gives us this kind of information a click-away. If you don’t have them on your Facebook or for some reason you can’t search them then you can playfully bring it up in conversation. Easy peasy. Who doesn’t want to give out their birthday? Hello! Presents!  *Please note that I directed these more towards women.

Aries: March 21st- April 19th
Independent, courageous, energetic and always seeking adventure, these Rams love to let loose and indulge in anything that gets their blood pumping. Try stimulating their adventurous side by taking them hiking or get a little competitive and go to laser-tag or go see a football game.

Taurus: April 20th- May 20th
Usually loving, loyal, prosperous and patient. A way to get to a Taurus’s heart is through their stomach so try doing a cooking class together, a spontaneous picnic, or a local wine tasting! Other ideas would be to grab a coffee or tea and take a long walk under the stars or along the river.

Gemini: May 21st- June 20th
Spontaneous, energetic, and entertaining. These chatty cathy’s are great in social situations and will want to be surrounded by interesting people. Take them to the latest event in town or festival where they can be surrounded by interesting people and net-work. Also hit up a local jazz bar and sit in a cozy booth, dance, and share stories.

Cancer: June 21st- July 22nd
These crabs are caring, sensitive and nurturing. They usually love homely comforts so they don’t mind staying in to cuddle and watch an indie film. They are also very attracted to anything water related, try taking them to an aquarium, floating down a river, or check out the wave pool! It will be a splash 😉

Leo: July 23rd- August 22nd
Generous, assertive, faithful and fun. These lions love the lime light and their manes stroked so really pay attention to things they excel in and create a date that allows them to show off those skills. Try taking them to a local salsa class, a lavish 5 course meal, or score tickets to a VIP event. They really love the finer things in life!

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd
Organized, thoughtful, and have a love for nature. A long walk where you can admire the fall tree’s with mittens and a travel mug of your favourite warm drink is ideal or even take them to the farmers market where you can pick out fresh produce to cook a dinner together for later. Now that its fall and almost Halloween- picking out a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch and carving your own designs or spooky faces would be a treat.

Astrology Libra: September 23rd- October 22nd
Artistic, poised, objective and charming. Libras love anything to do with beauty and want to be surrounded with people and things that reflect that desire. Take them to the local museum to check out the latest exhibit, or hit up the mall to dress each other up in fun or sexy outfits.

Scorpio: October 23rd- November 21st
Passionate, dynamic, sensual, and probing. These scorpions love anything mysterious and tend to love puzzles. Try taking them to a corn maze where you can get lost, talk, and work together on getting out- afterwards warm up by going old school and play board games! Who doesn’t like a round of Scrabble or Pictionary?

Sagittarius: November 23rd- December 21st
Intellectual, enthusiastic, philosophical, and optimistic, the Archers seek knowledge and adventure. Teach them something or take them traveling! Even better if you can find a date that does combines the two. Take them to check out historical architecture or site to learn together. This will allow them to move around freely giving that sense of freedom and adventure they desire while probing their intellectual mind.

Capricorn: December 22nd- January 19th
Hard-working, traditional, and careful. The goats like to feel like they are constantly accomplishing things and tend to not know how to take it easy and relax. They like to be on the move so take them along on errands with you (fun ones- no doctor appointments) like raking up leaves then you can jump in them, or hit up a yoga class together.

Aquarius: January 20th- February 18th
Independent, caring, inventive and quirky. The water barriers tend to be very humanitarian and loving, so volunteering at an event together would be a great date idea! You can walk rescue dogs from the closest shelter or volunteer to help at the homeless shelter. You will both feel great, learn lots, and grow closer through the humbling experience.

Pisces: February 19th- March 20th
Loving, imaginative,creative, and spiritual, the fish love anything to do with illusion and make-believe. The artists and poets of the zodiac, they are deep and insightful individuals. Go see Shakespeare in the park, hit up a local slam poetry event or go to a conservatory to go star-gazing.

I hope the above gets the ideas flowing! I’m not an Astrologist so the above descriptions and date ideas are very general. If you would like more information on date ideas for a particular Zodiac sign, just plop it in to google and the results will flow! Do your homework, and get creative! The more you design the date to the person the more likely they will enjoy it! Happy dating!

 

Categories
Adventures Attracting Women Dates Day Game Mental Performance Night Game Relationships Text and Phone Game

How Many Girls Have You Slept With?

“Me too!” She replies when you told her how much you love pugs!

It’s 3:35am. You have to be up in 3 hours for work. Fuck it. You’re on the phone with a cutie you’ve been seeing for a couple weeks now. The chat is going well. You’ve read the same books by Malcolm Gladwell and Dale Carnegie. Both of you love travelling and have been to Africa for a volunteer trip to build houses for the poor. There’s a lot of laughter and she really enjoys talking to you.

You have a lot of “Me too” moments. Awesome! You’re thinking in your head “OMG, this chick is not only hot, but really cool too.”

You’re madly infatuated.

You feel like it’s time to switch gears. You go Lance-Romance on her ass. You start opening up more to talk about intimate things. You start sharing your dreams, your goals and what you want to do in the future. You’re high as a kite, emotionally. Butterflies are flying around in your stomach like it’s the first day of spring, until her next question.

“So, how many girls have you slept with?”

Awkward silence.

You’re stumped. Your feeble attempt to change topic fails miserably. Now she’s on your ass hard, like a cop on a hot pursuit. You got arrested and you’re in a court trial. Anything you say could be and would be used against you. You feel cornered and she won’t talk to you unless she gets an answer. A number. Fuck!

Beware if you pull a number out of your ass. Too low and you’re lying. Too high and you’re a whore. Catch 22.

Fellas, if you get asked this question, fear not. I think it’s a good thing. It means she’s interested in you. She finds you attractive in one way, shape or form. She thinks you’re not a chump. There’s other girls that think you’re cute besides your grandmother. You have the capability of attracting other women so she concludes you won’t be clingy if she ends up going out with you.

So what do you say to this one?

Well, I’ll leave that up to you but I’ll give you my opinion.

Besides her obvious health concerns, there are other reasons why she’s asking you this. Pay attention ok? Not only does she not want to get STD, she’s also testing the waters to see if your past relationships still matter to you. Why? Because she doesn’t want to get hurt. Duh! It’s her way of patting you down emotionally to check if you’re free of emotional baggage and any attachment from your ex-girlfriends.

If you genuinely like her, give her reassurance that you’re focused on her now. Even the most confident of girls would appreciate this. Your past can’t be changed, she’s not stupid, but a few words of affirmation will quiet that little voice of doubt in her head. She wants to feel important, and possibly sees a future with you.

But bro seriously, how many girls have you slept with? I’m curious too.

Text me the number ok?