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Dates Lifestyle

Dating As A Single Mom

A few days ago I received an email from a young single mother that wasn’t too sure on how to navigate through the dating scene now that she has a little one. I thought this would be a great article idea as there a lot of young moms out there that could also benefit from the information I gathered. I got the male perspective as well as did a bunch of research on single mothers who blog about their experiences and what they found to be most effective. There was a lot of things to touch base on so I started with the basics. If you would love to add anything please feel free to comment below!

Single Mom

First Things First

First thing I can tell you – it’s not going to be easy. Before you decide to really get back out in to the dating world you really need to make sure you have worked through the break up or divorce. Take time to work through the heartbreak, the anger, the sadness and possibly the guilt. Once you work through the emotional aspect of becoming a single mom- you then need to ask yourself why you want to start dating to really gage where you are at.

Are you looking for support? Or are you looking for love?

We all want to build relationships and we all want to find love. Single mothers are obviously no different. Before you start dating you need to make sure you are already supported on your own as this will increase your chances of finding a high-quality guy who is in the relationship for the right reasons. This will also reassure any men you come across that you are self-sustainable and not just looking for a baby daddy. Unfortunately in today’s society men often assume that single women with children are only looking for someone to take care of them. By self-sustaining yourself you quickly nip this in the butt. Focus on yourself and your child first before you make the leap in to inviting someone in to both of your lives.

Dating

When you are out meeting new people, I wouldn’t start the conversation off by initially saying you have a kid. They will just assume you are looking for something serious off the bat, and it will make them run or become disinterested. Keep things light and casual initially until things get a little more serious. If you are having a great conversation and you have built a connection then I would let them know with the intention that you are interested in seeing them again. Make sure when you tell them that you sound proud and confident, don’t be shy, or come off like it’s a negative thing because they are not a burden in your life they are a blessing. This confidence not only builds attraction but also sets the tonality of your independence.

If you are doing online-dating– I wouldn’t mention that you have a kid on your profile only because you want to create as many options as possible. Unfortunately by mentioning children you will decrease the number of men messaging you from the pre-misconception that all you want is a dad. It’s unfair but unfortunately thats just how it is. Leave it for a guy who has a connection with you and is genuinely interested, than you can tell him. This isn’t being dishonest; it’s just an added safety measure for both of you.

Let’s Meet

ToysI would hold back on allowing them to meet until you are ready to take the next step: a long-term relationship. I would keep you and your child’s life separate from any of the men you see until you feel that it is progressing in to something serious. Once you have established a really strong emotional and physical connection and want things to be taken to the next level. Keep this boundary firm. This will help with disallowing men to bounce in and out of you and your child’s life (which can be confusing and upsetting) but it will also help weed out the guys who legitimately care about you and won’t take you and your child for granted. This also reassures them that you’re not just looking for anyone, you are looking for the one.

“My conclusion – having a child is as big of deal as you make it. And we can’t expect a man who’s never had a child before to possibly understand on a first date or on a first encounter. That comes later. But there’s no sense in not giving him a chance to understand.” – Miss Single Mama

Depending on the age of your kid, you may need to sit them down to have a conversation on why you are dating and how it doesn’t change the relationship between the two of you but also their father. Also I would also suggest having a conversation with the father (Assuming you are both on good terms, or that he is present) on the boundaries that you want to create together as you both embark in to the dating world. You don’t want strange women wandering in to your child’s life as much as he doesn’t want strange men. Keep your boundaries firm and make sure they are both fair to your circumstance.

In the end, you and your little one are priority. If any man makes it a big deal that you have a kid than they don’t have the maturity level you are looking for and they are simply not worth your time. “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”  The right guy will see you for who you are, respect the boundaries you lay, and will want to be apart of your life regardless of what may come along with it. Love is out there, so don’t give up and surround yourself with other single moms for support. Having a community where you can talk about these things are always a great way to make friends but also get the advice you need from other women who can relate or have gone through the same experiences.

J

Categories
Attracting Women

Reader Question: Can You Ask Someone Out Randomly?

good vibesI’m definitely feeling the vibes of this blog lately. You can tell our audience is building, our community growing. To see evidence of this I don’t need to look any further than my inbox. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, responding to every e-mail I receive takes time, but if someone is being assertive enough to reach out and ask for help, I am more than happy to take the time and give him or her the help they’re looking for.

After all, the only reason I am where I am is because of the help I have received along the way. If not for all the great mentors I have had, and continue to have, I would be unable to grow at any reasonable rate. Credit is not mine to take. I can only say I am thankful that I was able to take advantage of the opportunities I received, talking to them with an open mind and willing ears.

Because of this, I feel it’s my duty to give back everything I have received, and help out all of those who seek it. (Speaking of which, if you want to e-mail me, click here.)

Recently I received this message in my inbox: “Dude… can you just ask someone out randomly?”

Having talked to this guy on Facebook Chat many times before, the vibe I picked up was that he was trying to reacquaint himself with a girl he was interested in previously, but they had lost touch.

I thought this would make a great topic for today’s post.

To answer the question directly: Sure, you can ask out a girl randomly, I guess. I don’t think the right question to ask is: “can you”, but “should you?” Is asking a girl out randomly going to be an efficient way of doing things? Does it increase or decrease your chance of success? If your goal is to go on a date with this girl, it would only make sense to do the things that will give you the highest chance of that happening.

In that case, asking someone out randomly isn’t the best approach.

So what should you do instead?

melanie iglesiasYou should re-initiate the conversation and begin to establish a connection. All you need to do is hit her up and start talking to her again. Remember to keep things light and fun. Playful is powerful. Definitely keep these advanced techniques in mind.

Once you begin to talk with her more and more, that is where you can move things to exchanging phone numbers and working towards getting her on a date. (You could even try out this method using Skype.)

Take things slow. Too many guys jump into asking a girl out wayyy too soon, when she’s going to either say her standard response to let you down easy: “I have a boyfriend”, or she will say yes, and then flake out. Instead, if you take your time to actually establish a connection, she will want to hang out with you, because she enjoys your company.

If you’re the source of good emotions, why wouldn’t she want to be around you?

So next time you’re sitting on Facebook Chat and see a girl you’ve always wanted to go out with, or maybe you run into her at a party, remember to take your time and focus on establishing some type of interaction with her. You don’t need to go in guns blazing begging her to go out with you right away. Just focus on having a good time talking with her, and as your conversations become longer and more frequent, that’s the time to take things to the next level.

Hope that helps and if anyone reading this has a question, you can e-mail me personally here and I will respond to you.

Categories
Lifestyle

A Life of Emotion

emotionI believe emotion to be the core of communication between everything with a beating heart. I was thinking about the ideas of body language, and tonality, even your choice of words. Tonality, body language, your choice of words all communicate one thing: your internal emotional state. If your body language is closed off, reserved, it communicates that you feel fear / insecurity. If your tonality is breaking rapport, it communicates that you feel angry. If your eye contact breaks, it communicates nervousness. Your external actions are a direct result of your internal emotional state.

This is something that people pick up on, but aren’t aware that they’re observing your emotion. Happy people are always good to be around, being around sad people usually brings you down, being around someone feeling angry often affects your emotional state negatively. When two individuals are speaking their words, body language and tonality are all communicating one thing: their emotional state. Happy people love being around happy people, angry people love being around each other to gossip and point out insecurities in others.

There’s two different types of ways that you can attack this situation. This is a cause and effect, you feel sad so your body language closes off and you reserve your tonality and choice of words. You feel insecure so you seek rapport with your tonality, break eye contact and communicate neediness through your body language. The emotion is the cause of the effect, the effect being your tonality, body language and choice of words.

Over the last 11 months until stumbling upon this realization, I spent my energy fixing my tonality, body language, and choice of words. I’m beginning to find that fixing these things is essential at the start of your self – development journey, because fixing the cause of the effect is a much longer process than fixing the effect. Making you internally happy is a lot more difficult than showing you the actions of an internally happy man. How does one develop their core emotion, from the inside out, fixing the cause and effect of the core of communication?

In my opinion, happiness comes in two forms. Long term and short term. Short term happiness comes from the ability to shift your perspective, and act upon it. Start looking for the opportunity in every difficulty, instead of the difficulty in every opportunity. Everybody has the choice to become an optimist; they simply have to shift their perspective. However this is short term, and a perspective can shift to negative just as easily as it can shift to positive. Long term happiness, in my opinion, stems from having a healthy sense of self – worth.

self esteemI believe we all have an ego, and that ego attaches itself to an identity. If you want to develop a long – lasting sense of self worth, in my opinion, you must validate your identity by process, instead of validating it by language. If you think you’re a photographer, don’t talk about photography, what you have done, what you are going to do… start taking photos. A long – lasting sense of self worth comes from believing that you should be somebody, and then working on the process of becoming that somebody that you think that you should be. Validation by language is the reason for big egos, identity crisis, and an unhealthy sense of self – worth from the core. The individual that works towards his ideal self, choosing to grow and become better every day, has no reason to feel insecure for he knows that each day he gets closer and closer to achieving his goals.

Unhealthy esteem causes you to point out the insecurities in others with gossip, drama, and is the cause of negative perspective. An individual with a low sense of self worth will always find the difficulty in every situation, justifying their logic with “realistic” or “truthful”. Healthy self – esteem looks for the opportunity in every situation, choosing only to talk about the solution to problems instead of focusing on the problem itself. Healthy self – esteem stems into long – term happiness, which is the element that fixes the core element of communication. The words that you say, the body language that you possess and the tonality that escapes your mouth all communicate one thing: your internal emotional state.

We live in a world of emotion. Love, hate, despair, happiness, all of these emotions are in the world for the taking. The emotions that you feel are the emotions that you choose to feel, because the emotions that you feel, over the long term, are a direct result of your internal sense of self worth. Fix the internal sense of self worth, your identity, by beginning to validate your identity by process, and work towards becoming that person that you always wanted to be. Stop talking about your goals and start accomplishing them; and the powerful emotion of presence and happiness will gravitate those options that you’ve always been looking for, into your life.

Emotion is contagious, positive or negative. The ego is designed to mask the internal emotional state, telling stories to validate it’s identity when it feels insecure. People are aware of the unhealthy ego, and people are aware of the emotional state that the ego communicates, even if it is to deny the emotional state through it’s choice of words. Body language, tonality and choice of words always create one thing together: your vibe, which gives off your internal emotional state. Become a positive individual from the core, and this emotion will infect everyone that you interact with, with positivity and happiness.

“Become the source of good emotion.”

Categories
Attracting Women

I’m Too Good Already.

Your attitude towards any area of your life, is going to be the same one you’ll have in all areas.

Saying “Life is short,” is a relative term you know? You’re only here for so long. If you’re single and not actively taking actions towards getting the girl you really want, you’ll have a lot of missed and forgotten opportunities.

Guess what? You can’t have those back dude!

Meeting attractive girls that you sincerely want to be part of your life is a skill set. It’s true that some guys develop it naturally and have it easier for them. On the other hand, some guys do have to work for it. Either way, having tight social skills come with a massive learning curve which is well outside your comfort zone. If not, you would already have a smoke show for a girlfriend. There’s no way you should be allowing yourself to be comfortable if you don’t have everything you want. When you desire anything bad enough, you’re going to have to pay your dues. Unreasonable results demand something equally as unreasonable.

Accept the process for what it is, bro. You’re going to have good nights when you’re just kicking ass and every thing you say is smooth as fuck. You’re also going to have nights where you just get blown out every single time. Your learning and journey is your personal responsibility. Take both experiences as feed back. Be diligent and persistent. Even if you’re growing everyday by a small percent, it’s only a matter of time until you get the results you want as long as you’re heading towards your direction with purpose.

Create a vision in your mind of what kind of girl you want.

miranda kerr

Got it?

Now ask yourself what kind of actions do you have to take to be the kind of man you have to be. To be good with girls, you have to be good with people in general. If you do this, it will make sense for you to have her. When you meet the girl that could’ve been the mother of your children, how are you convey to her to be with you if you don’t know who you are at your deepest core to begin with? The mental rules you’ve set for yourself will determine your perception of how the world works. Your mindset is how you filter out information. This generates your response and actions toward others. In my opinion, the most important decision you’re going to make is who to spend the rest of your life with. That said, you can’t leave this one to chance, bro.

Be selective of how you spend your time and energy, then interact with the world with that screening process in mind.

Have that mindset that you’re always going to grow. Let go of the “I’m already good with girls.” ego bro. Take responsibility for all your actions; both positive and negative. By doing this, you’ll expand your reference library. Don’t just settle for the next pretty girl that will have you. A “She’s good enough.” attitude isn’t good enough. No man, that just won’t do. A girl’s attractiveness is not everything.

There has to be more than her external looks if you’re going to put up with her for years and years.

If you’re taking more actions than the average person, then you have to be much less concerned of what the average person thinks of you. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations and trust that you’ll be okay. Nothing awful is going to happen to you nowadays okay? Your worse case scenario isn’t really all that bad. If you behave like everybody else, then you’ll get the same average results.

 

Categories
Lifestyle Mental Performance

The Unexpected Happens in Kelowna; Life Goes On

kelowna sailsThis past weekend I ran another bootcamp for Kingpin Social in beautiful Kelowna, BC. The weekend was awesome and the student leveled up hardcore. Few things in life are more fulfilling to me than helping someone improve their life. It’s truly an amazing experience to be a part of.

The coolest part about the weekend was that not only did the student level up, but I feel like I did too.

Let me share my story:

Saturday night we all roll out to the club. My car is packed with my student, Myke and Jamie who were assisting me on the program and another student who I taught last month when I was in Kelowna. I park the car and we roll up to the club. As we go to enter, Myke realizes he left his passport at home. This is no big deal. I’m running the program so I give my keys to Jamie so she can take Myke back to the condo while I take the student inside to get warmed up. Thankfully Kelowna is a small town so Myke and Jamie were back in no time, and the bootcamp didn’t miss a hump.

Over the course of the next three hours, the student absolutely rocked it. The night before he exchanged phone numbers with nine different girls, so tonight the goals we set were to have longer interactions to form deeper connections. He did exactly that. Countless times he met a girl in the smoke pit and after a few minutes of talking, took her to the dance floor to bump and grind. After time spent building that sexual tension, he took them to sit down and get to know them better. Money in the bank; not only for him but for the girls too. What girl wouldn’t want to meet a quality guy after all? Even if it’s at the nightclub.

As the night is wrapping up, Myke takes the student for one last lap, while I run off to find our past student who came out with us. We all rendezvous at the front of the club, and head out the door. I start walking towards the area I parked originally, and don’t see my car. “Oh ya, Jamie drove it, so she probably parked somewhere else,” I casually think to myself, half panicked thinking my car had gone missing.

As I turn back to Jamie and the rest of the crew, I notice they look slightly dumbfounded.

“Hey Jamie where did you park?”

“Right here!!!**” she says as she points to the spot right in front of her.

Slightly confused, I look and see my car is in fact, missing. What a weird coincidence. Uh oh. As Mike from Jersey Shore would say, “We’ve got ourselves a situation!

It was funny. All five of us looked at the parking stall, then back at each other, then back at the parking stall, confused as mother fuckers.

“Dude, Where’s My Car?”

dude where's my carI take a moment to process what’s happened, and make a decision to get everyone into taxis and back to the condo. We can take things from there, but there’s no sense in standing out front of the nightclub freezing trying to figure it out. “Let’s just get back home and handle the situation as it needs to be handled.

On the way back to the condo I try to process my emotions. I feel like I should be mad, my car is towed and if there’s anything that I hate more: it’s not having access to my car. But internally I wasn’t mad. No matter how hard I tried to feel mad, I couldn’t. It was kind of cool. I think being in a state of shocked helped a bit, but I’m not going to discredit what actually went on.

Last week I wrote a post called “What to Do When Life Throws You Lemons”, and in it I talk about how in your life, things are going to happen, and it’s up to you to react appropriately. The mindset I take into life as much as possible is one where I try to make the best out of every situation. Things are going to be what they are, and there’s no sense in wasting valuable mental energy on things you can’t control.

As we got out of the taxi I had come to the realization that I’m not mad, or even upset. Just slightly annoyed and definitely needing my own space. As we walk into the condo building heading for the elevator, I look over at Jamie and can tell she’s upset. Inside I can only imagine how much she is beating herself up. I know as soon as we get into the condo she’s going to run for her room to get away from everybody to collect her thoughts. Sure enough, this is exactly what happened.

I let Myke know I need him to call the towing company and figure out where my car is, and then head into Jamie’s room. Inside the room, she’s visibly upset. I can understand why. It’s part of what makes her an amazing person – she cares. I give her a hug and let her know that I’m not upset at her at all. This is all a simple innocent mistake that is merely an inconvenience – nothing more nothing less. It is what it is. We can’t go back in time and change the situation; we can only make the best of it. Honestly, I’m just glad my car wasn’t stolen.

Myke finds out where my car is. We can’t pick it up until the morning. So we spent the rest of the night hanging out and doing our thing. In the morning, after paying a ridiculous amount of money, I got my car back. Not only did I get my car back, but I also left with an even better understanding about how to react when shit happens. Sure I lost some money, but to gain a valuable lesson and reference experience, I would pay that money again any day. Money well spent in my mind.

Categories
Attracting Women Dates

Create Better First Dates

guy flirting with girlYou feel your Ipod earphones stroke the side of your cheek. “Love the Way You Lie” plays in your headphones as you walk through the fresh fruit section of Safeway. Past the bananas, towards the oranges, you start to feel your heart beat a bit faster. Anxiety creeps up on you, with each step closer that you take to the citrus fruits. Standing in front of them is a cutie, carrying a unique swagger with her shopping cart. This is what you learned Social Dynamics for, champ!

You start a conversation with the cutie, sparking her interest with positivity and genuine intent. She can tell that you’re not trying to mask any of your emotions, you’re being up front and honest with your intentions. In the moment, enough positive emotion exist in the interaction for the exchange of phone numbers. You leave the grocery store with bananas, Sarah’s number and Fruit Loops.

Understanding the fundamentals of text and phone conversations is important, you send her a text to let her know who it is right away. This sets you up for success when you call her the next day. The conversation goes well, and you two agree to meet up at 8pm tonight. You tell her the place, you tell her the time and she agrees to meet you there.

The Typical Date

The typical first date lands at dinner and a movie. Why is this a terrible idea? You don’t know someone, yet you’re going to sit across from them for an hour and a half over a dinner that’s too expensive, at a restaurant that you wouldn’t usually find yourself. Makes for a potentially awkward meal conversation. Then, you head to a movie for 2 hours, told to “shhh” up, while you sit in the dark next to a stranger who you’re trying to build a connection with.

rejection

After all that awesomeness, you drive her home, prepare for the big move, and go for it as you drop her off. She tells you that she had a good time, but she’s not feeling it.

I wonder why those are bad dates…?

The First Date

On Kingpin Lifestyle, we’ve talked a bit about where to go on first dates, but we’ve never told you how to rock them. Your first date should always be set up so that your actions are in line with your intentions. If you are looking for short term, external connections (hook ups) and you know that she is too, your date should be set up like that.

An external, short term connection would be a date going out for drinks, than bouncing her back to your place. The reason that I outline this, is that a lot of guys who don’t know how to create long – lasting connections, but they try to, use this date formula for all of their dates. As a generality, the aura that this date creates is a sexual one, and relationships that start physical, usually end physical.

The first date with the intention of creating positive emotions is the best kind of date, for short term or long term connections. The first date should always be fun, always be interactive, and always be in multiple venues.

The Ideal Date

The ideal first date should be an experience, and it should be interactive. The first reason that having an interactive first date is so important, is because before she will open up to you, she needs to know that she can have fun with you. Preparation for a fun date is one of those elements that will set you up for success in the Fun department, and if the date is fun and you’re being open and honest about yourself, you can’t lose.

The second reason that having an interactive first date is so important, is because now the stress is alleviated off of the conversation. When two strangers are sitting down across from each other at a dinner table, it can be potentially awkward when the silence comes. You eliminate this chance for potential awkwardness by having something other than conversation that the two of you can focus on. When it goes silent, that’s the time you throw the frisbee.

The last thing you should keep in mind when planning your ideal first date, is to have it in multiple places. The more you walk around, the better. The more of an experience that you create. Escape the mundane; even if the two of you go to Starbucks don’t sit down over coffee. Go for a walk, go window shopping, go people watching. If you’re going to go Laser Tagging, go out for McDonalds Ice Cream Cones afterwards.

good date

Don’t stress about making the “big move”. If she had a blast with you, and you escalated (verbally or physically) than making the move is irrelevant at the end of the date. If you’re a cool guy, and you’ve got a lifestyle worth being a part of, and she had a good time with you, she’ll hang out with you again. You want to focus on making this girl a friend, while maintaining the possibility of a physical connection (if this is your intention).

The date doesn’t have to be expensive. It should be fun, interactive and an experience.

Ideas for Dates

My personal favorite ideas for creating experiences are Frisbee, walks in the park, stand up comedy, bowling, laser tag, billiards. If you’ve got any cool date ideas for being fun and interactive, post them up! Open for ideas. The best way to blow that cutie standing in front of the oranges away, is to bring her on a date that she won’t forget. This means that she has to have the most fun with you. Set yourself up for success by planning a fun, interactive date that creates an experience she can’t forget.

Categories
Attracting Women Dates Lifestyle

Chivalry isn’t Dead and Neither Should Your Manners

strong women

Chivarly isn’t dead, and in my opinion as well as countless other woman it never should be. I got on this topic with a few friends of mine on how the new age of ‘Jersey Shore Wannabee’s’ has come in to full effect and we are surrounded by men who refuse to show manners or be a true-blue gentleman.

This all came apparent to me on while thinking through all my past dates. I found a recurring issue of coming across super cool guys who had no manners or had any sense of what it is like to be strong yet a romantic dude. Why!?

The Strong Woman

On a personal level you would find out that I am a pretty sensitive soul with a tough exterior, hence why I tend to roll with guys successfully. I don’t waver easily or become a doormat, as I have been before in the past, so I can easily hold my own in any relationship. I have a tougher skin than a lot of girls but at the very centre of me lays a soft and sensitive core. I like to think of a lot women are like this, especially with the escalation of women taking lead roles in more authoritative tasks that are usually predominantly done by men. The movement of women’s rights has given us a lot more power, yet we still struggle to be created as equals when it comes to the work force with sexual harassment, wage discrepancies, etc. Its a never ending battle but I’m not here to talk about feminists issues, especially on a website that is geared more towards men.

Im here to address the issue of guys thinking they can get away without being chivalrous and expect to end up with amazing women. In past relationships I have found a recurring pattern concerning my strength and how a guy needs to calibrate in order to make the relationship work when it comes to showing romance.
chivalry
Guys, as you improve your Social Dynamics, you become more socially affluent and attract the right kind of women and so you are bound to meet strong, independent, self-approved women. Which begs the question: “How do you date these kind of women? How do you calibrate? 

I find most guys interested in dating me are a little bit hesitant on being chivalrous as I come off very independent and they don’t want to step on my toes or make me feel incapable. Or they just think that in todays society that chivalry is dead and that by being chivalrous it will come across as them being too interested.

Chivalry isn’t dead; Neither should your manners

All the strong independent women I know still want chivalry and romance. We are still feminine beings who enjoy the door being opened for us. We all watched Disney princess movies when we were young girls and played with Barbie dolls or dreamt of ‘Tuxedo Mask’ whisking us off in to the moon light- or was that just me? (haha) Just because we fight for the same rights we don’t want to be treated like one of your buddies- that doesn’t build attraction. We still want to feel like women, and by being more like a gentleman by being a little more chivalrous you can achieve this. Don’t go over the top though! Opening a door, or giving a girl your jacket when she is cold are nice gestures. Give respect but don’t treat her like she is a fragile piece of glass. It’s about being a good guy without losing your aggressive/manly nature. By going over the top you start to come off as “try-hard” or “too-invested.” I would break it down to doing these three things:

  1. Always Open The Door For Her
  2. Ladies First Rule (If you’re grabbing coffee, then let her order her drink first)
  3. Give Her Your Jacket (If she is cold)

These are chivalrous and simple kind gestures that wont make you come off looking desperate. You will look like a genuine-nice guy.

I have to admit that when I went on a few dates in the past, I was instantly turned off when a guy wouldn’t let me order first, open the door for me, or offer to pick up the coffee tab on the first date. Coffee is like $5- don’t be a cheap ass! I’m all about going dutch but if you are interested in taking things a little further than a friendship than I would encourage you to take it one step further by picking up the tab on the first date. These are small things that count, and can really separate you from the pack helping you get a second date. Just because women are becoming more independent that doesn’t give you an excuse to not have manners and not be a gentlemen. You will surely stand out if you are a strong guy who can show that he can take care of a woman’s romantic side.

chivalryPassive versus Aggressive

I am all for the woman’s movement just like I am all for men staying men. What I mean by that is that they keep their manly attributes like being aggressive or strong-willed. In general, we don’t want men to lay dormant at our feet. We all genuinely want a good guy who is still confident and strong.

When I asked a few of my close girlfriends (the strong women) whether or not they would rather a passive partner or aggressive partner they unanimously chose aggressive. Aggressive in the best of terms of course; attributes like being self-approved, can make decisions on their own, independent, strong, and go after what they want in the end. Strong women need strong men. This isn’t an excuse to act all brusk and smacking every girl’s ass you find attractive, it’s about keeping the balance of being aggressive without losing your manners and being respectful. Show a little of your romantic side, open the door, but be aggressive in your attraction and in your decisions. This comes back to my “Don’t Squeeze the Puppy” post. Relationships are a balancing act and to successfully be with a strong woman you need to calibrate yourself to be strong, respectful, and romantic man. If you got that all down, you surely can not lose.

J

Categories
Mental Performance

Crisis Management: How to Deal with the Chode Relapse

While browsing a pick-up forum the other day I saw this question posted by a user:

Anyone else having problems with consistency? I call it the “Chode Relapse”. As soon as I start getting really really good, I start fearing that I’m going to go back to my old ways. And then this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and I naturally get worse than when I first started out. This has been an issue that I have struggled with for a good 6 months now. Some weeks I’m fucking dynamite but as soon as this happens…I begin to live in my head all over again.

stepsChode” is slang in the pick-up community for “Loser”, someone who “doesn’t get it”, or in other words, a guy who’s acting like a bitch.

Now looking at the issue he posted about, the obvious solution comes to mind: he needs to focus on the process not the outcome. But that’s not the only thing going on here. Back in 2008 I learned a concept called “Resistance is an emotion” while watching the Blueprint, that had a significant impact on my life going forward, so I thought I would share it with you all today.

The issue the reader talks about is definitely one I’ve dealt with a lot. Certain people (such as ones who have dealt with depression or anxiety disorders) are especially vulnerable to this issue. It will never go away, however, you will learn how to deal with it.

How this applies:

First: Be aware you aren’t worried about a “Chode Relapse”.

Sub-consciously you are having resistance about continued growth, which comes from a fear of your potential. I truly believe the vast majority of people nowadays do not have a fear of failure, but a fear of meeting their potential. It would be naive for ANY person to say they do not have massive potential. That can be a scary thought.

What is the concept “Resistance is an emotion”?

To explain it briefly: Whenever you are having an emotion you do not like, you begin resisting. Take for example Approach Anxiety. Thoughts you will be having include:

“Fuck, I have approach anxiety.”
“Fuck, I’m such a pussy.”
“It’s just a girl man, why do I feel like this?”

… and many more similar to these.

Like I said, all of these thoughts are simply resistance.

You are trying to avoid an emotion by resisting it. This only PROLONGS such emotion.

To give another example: You are trying to sleep, but just can’t seem to do it. So what do you do? You begin to think about how shitty it is you can’t sleep, how you just wish you could sleep, etc. When do you finally fall asleep? When you go “Fuck it, fine, whatever, I guess I won’t sleep then!” and BAM, out like a baby. So what happened here? First, you acknowledged it, instead of resisting. Then you were unreactive, “fine whatever, guess that’s how it is then”, and BAM.

relapse

Now what are the three steps to changing any emotion?

  1. Acceptance. Just accept the emotion for what it is (a chemical imbalance in your body), ie: “I have approach anxiety… ok, I guess I will have it then.”
  2. Be unreactive. Just let the emotion be. A verbal phrase is you can use is: “Oh well”. ie: “I have approach anxiety… ok, I guess I will have it then, OH WELL!”
  3. Take positive action towards changing the emotion. Even if it’s something small. ie: “I have approach anxiety… ok, I guess I will have it then, OH WELL… ok, what can I do about it… ok, I can put a smile on my face, or I can go high five someone, or I am going to go open this set, or I can go put water on my face, or I can just take a deep breath, or I can go to the smoke pit, or I can go get a drink of water… etc”

So back to the original issue: being afraid of a Chode Relapse. How does this apply, and how can we deal with it?

Whenever you have the thought “I’m afraid of having a Chode Relapse“, first accept it for what it is; anxiety built up due to a chemical imbalance in your body. Then be unreactive, “OH WELL, I guess I’m going to be a mega chode than”, and lastly, take positive action towards changing it. This could be anything. The main one I seem to use is laughing at myself for how absolutely ridiculous and impossible a “chode relapse” actually is.

So what? You are ACTUALLY going to lose ALL progress you have made? What… You are magically going to lose all this knowledge you have? POOF gone? Hilarious! Sure one could argue some knowledge could fade (become rusty), but it will NEVER go away.

Just laugh it off homies.

Here’s a video blog I did on this topic during the Summer when I was in Denver, Colorado running bootcamps on my 5-week USA tour. Enjoy.

Categories
Mental Performance

Believing in Becoming Fearless

successOctober 15th brought the start of the first bootcamp, taught purely through Social Dynamics, in an environment where the world is our venue. This weekend, we took students to the streets of Calgary to build real connections, based on their external image. After a weekend full of genuine conversations and real connections, this article is inspired by the actions of our students this weekend. The inspiration comes from the students dedicating themselves to growth.

Growing in general though, comes with a price. I’ve paid that price, and I continue to pay it to this day. That price that you pay is your ego, because to grow is to admit that you need help. Coming to this realization over the course of the past couple of days has lead me to discover my life’s greatest truth: the only limiting factor that I have in this life is my own fear.

For the past few months, I’ve been a strong believer that we are unlimited. This started with the movie “Limitless” to be honest. I had been studying the mind, my mind, and how it tended to act under pressure. I had the luxury of insight from the people in my environment, and the continuous exposure I was beginning to experience. Over this past year I’ve come to understand this truth: everyone is knowledgeable. The age of technology that we live in gives anyone access to the thoughts of the greatest men of all time.

The Power of the Interwebs..

The thoughts of the greatest men of all time are quotes from their mouths. These men speak these words, write these words, based on their worldly perspective. They understand their perspective clearly enough to define it in a few simple words, passing along infinite perspective in a single sentence.

“Ghandi: The world around you is a direct reflection of the world within.”<

The thing that the knowledgeable people don’t understand, is that these men of wisdom did not live their prophecies through their words. These men lived their prophecies through their actions. Over this past year, I’ve come to know that the difference between the knowledgeable, and the wise, is application. The gap between knowledge and application brings to the surface the greatest enemy of growth. This gap between the knowledge, and the application of the knowledge, is the ego.

The ego exists in only one form, and that is language. The ego exists in the language of memories, telling stories of past moments to justify slacking off on the process of the present moment. The ego exists in the moment, pointing out the insecurities in others to avoid the attention being drawn to himself. Finally, the ego exists in the language of vision, telling great stories of the plans for the future, to slack off on the process of the present moment.

identityThe ego that exists is to validate the identity of the individual who possesses it. We have all attached ourselves to an identity, based on our individual personality types. This identity that we’ve attached ourselves to is the one that our ego exists upon.

An example is a man who attaches his identity to the art of fighting. The ego who validates the identity of a fighter, exists in memories telling stories of fights that have past. These stories that receive validation from the individuals being told are the band – aids covering the wound of laziness, for the man who tells the stories of fights past actively is the man who slacks, in the moment, in the art of fighting.

The man who attaches his identity to the art of fighting, that lives in the present moment is different. This man points out the insecurities in others, because if the environment sees the insecurities in others it deviates the attention off of the man who tells the story. This man is the man who will ridicule the losers of fights, point out the flaw in everyone’s fighting game, find the fault in the other fighters in his environment. This toxin will cause the environment to dwell upon the negatives of the process, instead of focusing on solution oriented ideas. How Can We Get Better (process) vs. Look At Our Faults (insecurities in lack of process).

The identity of the ego, who validates his identity through language and vision, talks about his plans for the future to everyone and everything. This is the man who tells everyone that he’s going to be a boxer, this is the man who tells people he is thinking of trying out for Kung Fu, this is the man who talks about his plans to everyone, and everything. The validation by language that this man will receive, in the moment, will be enough to slack off on the self – sacrifices that must be made in the moment.

See, the man who’s internal identity is that of a fighter, does not need the validation by language that he receives from the environment. The man who validates his identity by process is openly praised by his environment for his fighting ability, for his identity. The man who’s core identity is a fighter, though, does not let this validation by language keep him from slacking off on the process of becoming a better fighter. The man validated by the process is a man who sets out to be better than yesterday, every day.

persevereIt’s funny though, because both happen in the present moment. Process and language, both happen in the present moment. One is much more difficult than the other, though, and one requires an element that cannot be neglected. Receiving validation by language is easy, and is instant. Telling a story about how you’re going to write a book is a lot easier than writing the book itself, but writing the book is much more fulfilling.

Why?

Writing the book is going to be a lot harder, because I have to face the number one element that holds not only myself, but everyone back. That element is my emotion. My emotion tells me that I’m scared of my own success, my emotion tells me that I’m scared of my own potential, my emotion tells me that the book may fail. My insecurities about the results of my process keep me from working on the process itself. The thoughts of stepping into the ring and getting knocked out, keeps most people who attach their identity to that of a fighter, to actually step into the ring. To avoid stepping in the ring, they avoid going to the gym in the first place. The gym is the process, so they slack off on the process to avoid the potential failures, coming as a result of the process.

“Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

When I first started on this journey of self–development, my fears were that I would fail. I was scared to fail so I’d slack off on the process of approaching people and creating real conversations. As I kept moving forward, meeting new people, I found that my fears changed. I found that as I got better at my skill set, my ego came to the surface to validate my identity through language. I would write journal entries telling the stories of my nights out, I would pick out the flaws in the others around me, and I would speak language of vision about my plans for the coming months, days, whatever. These stories, this validation through language that my ego was bringing me, kept me from grinding out the process of facing my emotions.

perseveranceI found that my emotions began to shift, and instead of being afraid of failure, I was afraid of success. Over the course of the last six months, overcoming my obstacles has not been overcoming my fear of failure. Overcoming my obstacles has been overcoming my fear of success. Everyone is knowledgeable, few are wise. Wisdom isn’t measured in age, wisdom is measured in experience. Wisdom is measured by the amount of reference experience one has to tie the parallels of the knowledge together.  I found that my ego validated my identity through language, to mask the emotion of fear that I felt deep inside of me. I found that my ego, as is everyone’s in this world, was designed to keep me emotionally numb.

The Lessons of One Year

Over the course of the last twelve months, I have learned my life’s greatest lesson so far. The process of my life is never–ending, and as long as I’m alive I’m on the process and must continue to grow. The first step to growth was to admit that I needed to grow, and seeing that the identity that I attached myself to was not validated by process, but it was validated by language. The emotional shelter that my ego had created for me kept me from growing, but kept me from feeling pain. I only felt contentment, and if anyone came into my reality and challenged my ego, thus, exposing the insecurities at my core, I would shun their knowledge and justify my knowledge with logic.

leadershipIf you are to become anyone in this world, do anything, be anybody, you must understand your ego. Your ego exists in language, and it exists in three forms. It validates it’s identity by language of memories, telling stories of past moments. It validates it’s identity by pointing out the insecurities in others in the present moment, possibly with humor, instilling positive emotion in others. The last form of the ego exists validating it’s identity through language of vision; preaching stories of moments to come. The ego, the logical mind, exists to maintain your current emotional state. The ego exists to numb your emotion.

If you are to become the identity that you want, you must overcome your emotion. You must understand that you have room to improve, you have room to grow. The individual who makes a justification, saying that his growth isn’t needed, is the man who’s ego exists in language. If this is you, understand that the only way you will become the best that you can be, unleash the unlimited potential that we all possess, that you must dedicate yourself to the process of the moment. Working towards getting better at your skill set, whatever your skill set is. The process is never easy, and it never should be. The process is a continuous struggle, because within the process lay your deepest negative emotions. If you are to become the identity that you’ve always attached yourself to, through your ego validating yourself by language, than you must face the hardest emotion to admit is yours… Fear.