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Last week I received a Facebook message from a guy I met at Cowboys (picture above) 5 years ago and to put it simply- it was a complete train wreck. I was seriously cringing on the other side of my computer screen (while stifling a few laughs) on how clueless this guy was on trying to get me to hang out with him. Lets call him Ripper. Ripper is good-looking, and what I recall from 5 years ago, a pretty fun guy to hang out with and generally this is all good signs pointing green- but his delivery was awful. Not only did he ask me if “I wanna rip” (hence the nickname) when he gets back from his cottage but he delivered an ultimatum within the first 30 minutes of us chatting.
Here’s my thought process: “Dude, I have been talking to you for a whole 30 minutes and you are already giving me an ultimatum? I barely even know you.”
Ultimatums are never a good idea, not only within a 30 minute reconnect but in general. Here’s why:
Ultimatums are stupid and a HUGE turn-off.
First of all no one responds well to being forced in to doing anything. We all love having a choice, that’s why we fight for human rights, the right to vote, etc. We all want options and we all want the right to choose. Ultimatums leave you with only two options but from a place of manipulation and desperation. Ripper automatically came off as insecure and desperate as soon as he gave me the ultimatum of “If we don’t hang out then there isn’t a point of us being Facebook friends.” Why would I want to hang out with a guy who is coming off desperate and even more importantly why do I want to hang out with a guy who is trying to manipulate me in to hanging out with him? No thanks, talk about a huge red flag!
Where he went wrong
Ripper didn’t established any relationship with me, there was no reconnect, no building of a relationship or natural flow that would really want me to “rip” (whatever that means any ways.) I hadn’t seen the guy in 5 years and no where in-between then and now did I ever really talk to him. I know nothing about him. If he had acted calm and cool, built up a connection or rapport, and was less insecure on me blowing him off right from the get-go I may have actually hung out with him.
The right girl will walk away
If the girl respects herself (only the good ones do) and you give her an ultimatum- she will walk away without hesitating to look back. You will automatically be labeled as a psycho and yes that means you will be benched not only on her sidelines but also any girl she knows. No girl needs some guy manipulating her, that just screams “controlling” which goes hand-in-hand with the possibility that the guys is jealous and will watch her every move. CREEPY. No girl wants to be with some dinkus (for lack of a better word) who thinks he can tell her what to do and when she does it. Girls want a guy that will respect her and respect the natural flow of the relationship. It should never be forced. A healthy relationship should naturally develop and have its own flow, and if you start to disrupt that flow it’s just going to backfire and all that hard work will have gone to waste cause you were so damn impatient. 😉
Why you love the Ultimatum
If you are resorting to an ultimatum it’s because you are not getting your way and the relationship isn’t progressing as you would like it to. Needless to say you need to calm down and let the relationship flow the way it’s suppose to. If the relationship has been stagnant then it’s probably not going anywhere and you should move on. Giving an ultimatum WILL speed up the process but only because it will probably be the last time you talk to her and if you really dig her I will assume thats the last thing you want. If you want the relationship to move to the next level then you need to act accordingly to how the relationship is building. Example: If you have been on one date you wouldn’t just jump to asking her to be commited and switch on that Facebook relationship status to “in a relationship with (insert your name here)” because thats a huge leap and it will freak her out.
When Ultimatums are good
I think it should never really have to escalate to the point where you feel like you need to give someone an ultimatum but in some circumstances it may be useful. I think only in more specific situations such as: when you need an answer in order for you to have closure and move on. If the relationship isn’t progressing or you are in an unhealthy set-up (like being the third party in a relationship) then you need to end it and move on regardless. But if someone is wishy-washy with your emotions and you are unclear and they are mistreating you then I think asking the right questions like example: “are we together or are we not together?” can be a useful way for you to know if you should be moving on or not. It gives you what you need to make the best move for yourself and the relationship in general.
Ultimately ultimatums aren’t the way to go unless you are in some serious need of confirmation, but proceed with caution. Know that ultimatums will typically leave you back at square one but in rare circumstances can really help on getting some clarity. Learn from Mr. Ripper and make sure you build your relationship and allow it to progress naturally and please… please never use “wanna rip?”
J
I agree ultimatums are not the best route in most situations. I believe that a man is supposed to lead relationships. Leading and being in control is something that women find attractive. An attractive man would not put up with a situation he was not okay with, HE would take the steps needed to change it. By giving an ultimatum one is giving away the lead (not implying that women should be powerless) which lowers his value and in this case makes him look insecure.
Women want to make choices on their own or at least think they made the choice on their own… so let them. If you have an issue with certain things do what it takes to stop it or walk away. This will let her know you aren’t okay with her actions or in-actions and she can choose how to act. You have to be congruent and be willing to walk away from something that you are not ok with or eventually she will walk away from you.
Jamie whats your take on this? I think this is still an ultimatum… but it is indirect and the man is not sitting around waiting on the woman to lead, he has already made his choice and she can choose to come along for the ride.
Wanna Skronk?
Hey Scott, thanks for the comment and props on the creative input for ‘skronk.’ I wouldn’t say that’s an ultimatum because its indirect. An ultimatum is very direct and really puts a lot of pressure on the individual who is on the receiving end and generally its from a place of “do this, or were over.” The man doesn’t need to wait around, he can move towards the direction he wants to without really saying anything and she will pick up on it (most cases, anyway) and she can decide if she’s ready for that next level or not. It would be more of an ultimatum if the guy out right asked her “are you ready or are you not ready?”
I believe an attractive man or woman does not put up with a situation he/she is not okay with, and would take the necessary steps to change it. That comes with being a self-approved person and having solid boundaries. Voicing things that aren’t right is a part of having effective communication in a relationship and finding creative solutions in how you work as a team in order to make your relationship that much stronger. I think you can do little suttle things but to me it seems pointless when you can just have a conversation (not an ultimatum) to discuss how you both can work towards a solution or see if you guys are on the same page.
I definitely agree and would say that its attractive for a guy to take control of the relationship as long as its not controlling in a way where he is being manipulative or domineering. I like men who know what they want, and dont let me walk all over them. No self-respecting woman wants to be with a guy who’s a control freak and wont let her have her own voice in the relationship. 🙂
J
i need to show this to my friend… total shit show last night out(amazing night overall) and ended with him doing a psychotic ultimatum(basicly a regular ultimatum, mixed with yelling over the phone with an “ex” , pushing friends, and pretty much saying he was gonna jersey shore her/anyone/anything that night(punch)). the guy has game, bouncing around with 2 chicks alternating everyday of the week, and to see him act so irresponsibly especially over 1 girl is just plain childish/pathetic .Even had to throw him into the rage tank(like a drunk tank but for angry people contained in an SUV.) Don’t even think he can defend/argue any of his actions at all.
Great read all around! to sum it all up the only Ultimatum that i believe should be used is “will you marry me ” 😛 the negative far out weigh the positives(if there are any).
…and for Mr. ripley, he prob could have recovered from the failed ultimatum by just going over the top jokingly with the whole delete me on fb shit test 🙂
Calgaryasianguy,
I totally agree that if ‘Ripper’ was able to take light of the situation and make it more as a joke that he could have salvaged the potential relationship we could have created. He was more interested in seeing me right away and not building that comfort zone that I was looking for before meeting up with a guy who is pretty much a stranger to me. It doesn’t help that Facebook is all monotone and I can’t read his tone or body language, but in the end his reaction showed me his underlying motives.
Thanks for the comment and the love! 🙂 I hope you do pass on this post to your buddy so then maybe he can take something away from it that can help him grow, and realize that kind of behaviour doesn’t fly well with girls, or really anyone for that matter.
J
Good idea or terrible? So me and this girl have been on and off for 7 years we have dated in the past and hangout on a pretty regular basis when we are talking to each other. we do go through our 1 year stints of not talking and saying we never wanna see each other again(usually her). So she had got married about 2 years ago and we hungout when they were married and finally the husband said u either stop talking to him or i divorce you and of course she stopped talking to me. well about 6 months ago she came back into town and said she had got a divorce and had a kid. me of course thinking that she wanted to be with me says yeah ill hangout all the time. so one day i ask her hey can we ever be together and she said just be my friend for now. so ive been her friend for 8 months now since the divorce and she has no indication of her slowing down on her “having fun” time. so i thought it would be a good idea to issue a ultimatum so i can finally stop going insane wondering if the girl i love wants to be with me. I tell her she has til january to decide which is 4 months. i said you either wanna be with me or you don’t plain and simple. the response i got was i hate ultimatums but i think she recieved it well other than possibly losing me in the future. Im sorry for the long post but i needed to write it all. good idea or bad idea?
Ultimatums in personal life is a tricky thing, but in business it is quite a different beast. For example, I have expressed my unhappiness not only in speech but in writing to my boss over the course of the last 3 months, without response. Whether this is through incompetence, obliviousness or something else I don’t know. But at some point it is past time to deliver an ultimatum.
Hey Jack, thanks for commenting. I definitely agree that it’s different in business than in personal. Sounds like it’s time for you to make a stand at work. If things haven’t changed, what are your options?
I mean are there any ocassions where saying something along those lines is acceptable. I mean I was with a girl for ten years and I feel like she has been dancing around us saying she is not sure. So I told her well I can’t keep going the way we are.( she ignores me and if we start to maybe be in an argument she just leaves then calls me the next day) ivtild her last night that I’m not going to keep doing this and I think Im not going to call her anymore. I have a feeling there is someone else involved idk if it is a guy of not bit it has been 8 months of coming around and if there is tension she leaves I asked her “what’s going on” and “what do you want” I care about her a lot but this is messed up