In the pick-up community, one of the very first mindsets you are taught is to “not give a fuck”. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t work to some degree. Unfortunately I find this one mindset is used as massive justification to behave like a complete moron. It’s used as justification to run up to girls and “express yourself”.
Now don’t get me wrong… I completely agree that people in general care wayyyyy too much about what people think about them, so developing a mindset of “not giving a fuck” what people think about you can help a lot.
Unfortunately it has major flaws, some of which I only realized recently.
This epiphany came to light the other day when I was out for sushi with a few friends of mine. While waiting for others to get there, two of my closer friends began to “play drums” with their chopsticks. Using their chopsticks as drumsticks, they began to bang the table and their glasses to make beats. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with this, except we were in a public place and in that environment I believe it’s inappropriate.
Within minutes I was getting irritated, eventually to the point of asking them to stop. The response I got was shocking, and caused this epiphany to happen.
Friend: “Cam… just don’t give a fuck what other people think about you.”
Immediately I knew this was completely wrong. Giving a fuck about what people think about me had absolutely no relevance in why I was getting irritated. It was actually the complete opposite.
It had nothing to do with caring what other people thought, but actually giving a fuck what people thought.
The reason you shouldn’t give a fuck what people think about you is because you need to be internally validated. You need to draw your self-worth from within. This much is obvious and you’ve heard this for years no doubt.
It’s not a matter of other people’s opinions affecting your view of yourself, but your view of yourself affecting yourself.
If you are internally validated, and you aren’t maintaining personal integrity, than your self-worth will hurt because of it. (I actually did a video blog on this topic, find the link below.) This is why when my friends were annoying other people at the sushi restaurant – and in doing so disrespecting my core values of respect, being courteous, etc – I took it personally.
I feel fortunate to have been raised by parents who were able to teach me these basic lessons of courtesy and respect for others. There are too many people out there less fortunate. I don’t hold it against them, but I do my best to help bridge that gap.
Ultimately this all comes down to one question: Are you bringing value or taking value? The world really does come down to that question. You can never go wrong by bringing value at all times. By being obnoxious in a public place, you are making the experience of others worse, thus taking value.
It’s about knowing when to give a fuck and when not to give a fuck. Someone’s view of yourself should have no barring on your self-worth, because you should be internally validated. But everyone’s opinion is feedback, and when it’s negative you should take it seriously. How do other people perceive your behavior? Are you expressing yourself or just being an idiot? Is this an environment where I can get a bit wild and not be taking value from others around me?
The “not giving a fuck” attitude is one of the stupidest concepts the pick-up community teaches you. START giving a fuck. Become internally validated and use people’s opinions as feedback: are you moving in the right or wrong direction? Are you maintaining your personal integrity? Do you have core morals and values to set your personal integrity standard? Are you expressing these core values and being congruent to them? Are you able to be assertive when outside forces are affecting this?
All of this ties into your boundaries, which I’ve talked about here.
What is one area you can be more assertive in maintaining personal integrity? Share it with me by commenting below. I’d love to hear your side of the story. Also share this post with your friends, because doing so makes you a G.