Life is all about the relationships you have. These relationships dictate the path your life goes down, and absolutely affects the quality. Relationships come down to an exchange of value. If the exchange is good (aka a win-win for both people), the relationship will be positive (and will grow). If the exchange is one-sided the relationship will suffer.
If life comes down to relationships, which come down to an exchange of value… understanding someones perception of value is extremely important. The other day I went through a situation related to understanding the exchange of value, so I thought I would share it with you all…
A few days ago I spent the evening on the decks, DJing my heart out in my friends basement. After driving home, I walked into my condo. It was now 1am. A few friends were hanging out in my living room. Of course because they all study Social Dynamics, they were not alone. Someone else was also in my condo: the security guard who watches my building every night. I can’t say I was surprised at all. “Of course the security guard is hanging out in my condo unit with all of my friends.”
Shortly after… my friends announce that the security guard is going to bring us up to the roof of the condo building for a Kingpin Social photoshoot. I can’t say I was surprised about that either – it only makes sense that my life is like this… I study Social Dynamics.
Long story short we did in fact have a photoshoot on the top of the building. Here are a few pictures:
Anyways, although I had a great time during the photoshoot, there was still something I wasn’t too happy about: the security guard hanging out in my condo unit.
While hanging out with my friend Kyle today, I told him the story and expressed my concerns. He was curious why I would be upset about this, so I thought this would be a perfect topic to write about.
My concern is simple: I don’t want him to be hanging out in my condo unit.
It’s nothing personal, I think the guy is fine, but the amount of value he can bring me vs. the value he can take by being a distraction is out of wack, which doesn’t create the “win-win”.
Taking us to the top of our condo building is the current value he can offer. In order to make this happen and create that win-win, the amount of value I (or someone else) would need to bring him in return could be as simple as talking to him for a few minutes every time you see him downstairs. Take the time; build a friendship and that will do the job. This is a win-win. He’s at work and bored, so now he has somebody to talk to, and you get to see the Calgary skyline from 40 stories up. Everybody wins, everybody is happy.
Think about love and hate for a second. If you hate somebody, what has to happen to bring you to that point? They have to take value. This is why when someone is taking value from you, you cannot avoid feeling resentment. Resentment leads to hate. So I know if this security guard begins to hang out in my unit every time he works, he will be taking value from me, in which case I begin to feel resentment. This will force me to take action and solve the problem. Am I able to? Of course! But I shouldn’t have to, because this is only a problem due to poor Social Dynamics.
Especially when I didn’t create this situation in the first place, someone else did, in which case, that also affects my relationship with them. Is it that big of a deal? Not really, but I think that’s a shitty way to justify your life. It’s not like I’m going to be freaking out or ending relationships over this situation, but I’m talking more about the concepts at play here, and there is no doubt this happens throughout every single persons life.
If I believe you should be optimizing at all times in every area of your life, why shouldn’t the value you bring be any different? The value you bring should be the least amount possible in order to be equal to the value someone else is bringing, depending on where you want that relationship to go. It should be the least amount possible to create that win-win. In this instance, I only need to bring a certain amount of value for it to be a win-win. Bringing any more is simply inefficient.
What if I wanted to encourage growth in our relationship? Well then I could bring more value (such as bringing him to my condo unit to chill). That is now off the table. You see what I mean? This is just poor Social Dynamics.
Again it’s nothing personal, nor in this specific case… a big deal at all, but in many others it is a big deal, and with better Social Dynamics, you could avoid having this situation all together.
The relationship has to be win-win. If I’m constantly bringing more and more value without being able to receive the same in return (possibly because the person is unable to, even if they would be willing), that will create resentment, and eventually lead to the ending of a relationship. It’s not about giving value or taking value; it’s about giving and receiving.
You should never take value, but you need to be open and willing to receive it. If I’m offering someone value and they refuse to take it that will have a negative effect on our relationship. You should always give value freely, because that encourages others to do the same. Now there can be an exchange of value and thus, a relationship. Now the value exchange is relative to where each of you wants that relationship to go. No more, no less. An equal exchange is always optimal.
So that’s a little story for today. What do you guys think? Lemmme know.
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