The “One” Syndrome: A Caution for Relationships.

by Jamie

HoneymoonHello Honeymooners

So you ended up falling for this really great guy or girl. You have an incredible connection and you feel butterflies every time they look your way, hold your hand, or lean in to kiss you. You can’t get enough of them, you see fireworks whenever they smile, and you can’t seem to rub off that stupid grin off your face. You have officially become one of those couples you used to see everywhere and wanted to yell “Get a room.” You turned in to a hopeless romantic over night and you both decide to take that leap and change your relationship status on Facebook to “in a relationship.” All of your friends ‘like’ it, and the romance starts to blossom. You text each other all day every day, and you go from seeing each other a few times a week to practically every day. Congratulations, you are now a honeymooner!

The honeymoon stage is a killer for two reasons. Once you get in the honeymoon stage a lot of men and woman have a hard time getting out of it resulting in what I like to call “The One Syndrome.”  Don’t get me wrong, a little love and adoration for the person you are with is great but there is definitely a line you need to be aware of. I had a reader email me the other day worrying that he/she was afraid that they would come off clingy and was starting to lose contact with their friends.

I can definitely relate in so many ways to the “fear of becoming too clingy.” I have lost myself in so many relationships, and it took me a few years to come to terms with the fact that I was allowing myself to do so. I definitely came off too clingy (insert facepalm here.) I didn’t have too much on the go so I ultimately ended up living the same lives as some of my ex-boyfriends and lost friends in the process. My friends and family never saw me, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to see them; I just really wanted to see him.

Symptoms

ClingyA lot of men and women aren’t aware of them “losing themselves” but its super common. If you have that awareness than you just need to implement things in your life that are congruent with you are to get back to leading your own life. The reason we lose ourselves is generally because of three things:

  • We really care about our partner and want to spend as much time with them as possible
  • Low Self-Esteem: you fear losing them, you don’t want to be alone
  • We don’t have enough going on (hobbies, meeting friends, leisure activities, etc)

It really comes down to balance. Relationships last longer if you aren’t seeing each other constantly because it gives that other person the time to miss you and appreciate the time that they do have with you. Think of when you start seeing someone. You don’t see them that often and that builds attraction because you can’t wait to see them again. If you always see that other person eventually you lose that edge and you grow comfortable and this can lead to him/her or yourself wanting more time apart and losing that ‘spark.’

Having hobbies and scheduling time to see your friends is not only crucial for you to have a healthy balanced life but it also makes your relationship that much stronger and you more desirable.

Time Management

Sit down on Sundays and schedule out your time for the week. Scheduling allows you to set yourself up for success, so if you want to be successful in your social relationships as well as romantic relationship than you need to make sure you make time for both. Also make time for yourself. This includes down-time, when you need to get to sleep, a yoga class, or when you want to hit the gym, etc. This helps fight off two of the symptoms. It will help build self-esteem as well allow you to live your own life and have things going on that make you happy and involved.

Also schedule  work, girls/boys night, meetings with friends for tea/coffee, meetings with clients, team meetings, time to write a blog, yoga, a night for yourself to just read or watch a movie, any events, then time with your man/woman.

ScheduleThe trick is to keep your-self busy but be available to him/her through having set aside time. If you already have an idea of what their schedule is like, it will be that much easier to build yours so you can make time to spend together. Always stay accountable and remember that having time for you, the things you like to do, and time with your friends is an actual benefit to the relationship and you will grow that much closer.

What about the fear of dating someone clingy? Or maybe you are afraid of getting in to a relationship cause you fear of becoming “that person.” When you have a lot going for you, and you really value the life you are living and wake up with that excitement to start your day, it can be a bit terrifying adding another person in to the mix. Especially because you don’t want it to distract you from the life you worked so hard to build. Don’t allow this fear, or excuse, from keeping you moving forward with your life and finding someone to share it with. In the end it’s really your decision whether or not you allow ‘clinginess’ to happen, whether that be from your partner or from you.

I don’t mean flat out saying “Stop being clingy” – what a buzz kill. To effectively do this you need to have your own set schedule so that your partner has no choice but to live their own life. Also encourage them to take up leisure activities that allows them to meet new people and to be more proactive socially.

Nothing is more attractive to a man/woman than someone who has a life of their own but still wants to be a part of theirs.

J

About Jamie
Jamie is an enthusiastic goal-getter and photographer. Aspiring life-coach and author. Yogi extraordinaire and an honest voice to those who seek it. She blogs over at Devoted Shift.

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Ray November 2, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Jamie,

Cam and I have had discussions on this topic multiple times over the years, and the “older” get, and the more experiences I have, the more I find this is absolutely true, and true in all cases. Balance is a super important part of keeping a relationship healthy rather than destructive, ensuring both parties maintain a distinct identity that includes OTHER relationships, and I think you put it elegantly.

While not relevant to most of your target audience, myself included, I think this applies to married couples as well. How many marriages fall apart because of problems related to what you mentioned above?

I would encourage you to explore this topic on a deeper level, because I think there is a great deal of interesting topics that can come up surrounding this.

props.

Cam November 2, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I don’t see how this isn’t within the realm of topics relevant to our audience. I think it’s incredibly relevant – for both those currently in relationships and those that are not.

Within minutes of this post going out, I received a message on Facebook from a guy who is single: “Great post by Jamie! basically reinforces what I’ve been telling myself; couldn’t have come at a better time”

Definitely agree with all of your other points. Great post on how important it is to have a healthy relationship, and that this should be explored deeper. I would love to see this written about again.

Jamie November 2, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Hey Ray,

Thanks for taking the time to comment! 🙂

I think its highly relevant to Kingpins audience, not only because the ratio between men and women readers is slowly starting to balance out, even though it still is predominantly men (for now.) Also because a lot of our readers were “nice guys” and weren’t self-approved thus coming off as clingy in their relationships because of the symptoms I listed above. They end up thinking being a nice guy isn’t something that works and resort to pick-up tactics that are fundamentally flawed and some even morally unbalanced. This builds up fear of ever wanting to create a meaningful relationship as there is a disconnect in trusting other people because pick-up is based upon being someone your not. How can you trust people when you yourself are being dishonest? (not you per say but the person in question)

I agree that it definitely opens up to many other topics, including marriage, and I plan on delving in to that a bit deeper.There will be a part two in the future and I look forward to getting your feedback then as well! 🙂

J

ray November 3, 2011 at 1:42 am

To clarify, the part of non-relevence I was referring too would be a second article relating to how this applies to marriage – this article applies really well. Most of the readers are single though, if I had to guess, with some exceptions. It would still be an interesting read though.

Cam November 3, 2011 at 2:07 am

Ohhhh. Hahahaha. That would definitely make more sense. Although, I’m not opposed to it, cause I’m sure it would get read either way.

Max November 6, 2011 at 2:04 am

Good one, Jamie! Something to scratch my head about 😉

Jamie November 6, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Ray – Thanks for clarifying! 🙂 Now I understand! I am definitely curious to hear married peoples perspective on losing yourself within the other person and how to find that balance.

Max – Thanks! Glad I am getting those wheels turning 😛

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