The electronic music pumps at a high level from the speakers in the room. You and your date stand by the bar having a conversation about stories of past relationships. It’s the second date you’ve been on with Sarah and she seems to be into you. Your dating life hasn’t been the best up to this point. Your friends advice before you left the house was to “find a way to get this girl back to your house man! You’ve gotta sleep with her tonight, it’s the second date.”
Sarah opens up and tells you about her past and you sit there listening with flawed intention. Your ears are open but your mind wanders to an efficient route to get this girl back to your house. You nod your head and smile in agreement as you plot the rest of your date.
From strong to broken, the connection seems to fade throughout your date. Your intentions shine through with a few more drinks as Sarah finally opens her mouth to speak.
“Look, I’m not going to sleep with you tonight.”
These past few months there’s been a shift in the way that people see dating. In today’s society it seems to be the norm to have one night stands, short term connections and relationships without a hint of longevity. In my personal opinion I’ve come to have a strong stance against one night stands and short term physical connections.
I’m going to start by saying I’m a culprit to my own advice. For a long time my low self esteem was in consistent search for validation. My desire for the chase kept me going on first dates with flawed intention. This did two things for me: destroyed any potential chance for a long term connection and kept me looking for the next best thing. Talk about the ultimate form of Taking Value.
This past year Cam’s opened my eyes alot. A few months back I met a girl named Marcela and she told me about how escalating physically ruins alot of relationships. Marcela believed that the reason alot of relationships fail is because people go too physical too fast without developing a friendship first. Cam completely agrees with Marcela, and takes her stance a bit further.
“If you become lovers before friends, than the “lover” role will always take hold over the “friend” role.”
Let’s talk about an extreme example. A couple months back a friend told me about a relationship issue that he was having.
“My girlfriend’s going through a rough time man. Her mom was just diagnosed with Cancer and she’s telling me how she doesn’t really want a boyfriend right now. It’s rough, I really like her and I feel like I’ve done nothing wrong.”
My friend and I talked about the start of the relationship until we found the root of the issue. My friend met his girlfriend 3 weeks before he started dating her. They had been dating for 5 months now and they had a fairly intimate relationship. They slept together on their 3rd date, the second week into the relationship.
Sex is the highest form of physical value that you can give to one another. The only thing after giving the highest form of physical value (sex) is having more sex. Relationships based on sex are bound to fail.
The truth of the matter was this: my friend didn’t develop a friendship with his girlfriend before he started dating her. His girlfriend was going through a rough time and in that time she just needed her friends. My friend had not made his girlfriend his friend before they dated: meaning that his role in his girlfriend’s life was only a “lover”. The girl was going through an extremely emotional time with her mother and she didn’t have time for a lover anymore.
She needed a friend.
I used to think that physical intimacy was an essential step to the start of the dating process. I’ve come to take my stance against it. In fact, I believe that the key to a long – lasting, successful relationship is to develop a real friendship first. You never really know someone until you’ve spent enough time with them to see all sides of their character. They may present themselves in an intriguing fashion on the first date, but how do they cope with stress? How do they react in times of pressure, negativity, adversity?
Understanding all sides of someone’s character is essential for a long – lasting relationship to happen. Knowing all sides of someone’s character before developing an intimate relationship with them is the best way to give yourself value: the worst thing is seeing someone’s demons (jealousy, envy, neediness) when it’s too late (you’re already dating them!)
I’m not saying that it’s impossible to develop a long lasting relationship by being physically intimate right away. I believe that the most efficient way to developing long lasting relationships is to develop a real connection first. In the words of Cam Adair:
“Eventually the emotional connection will be strong enough where physical intimacy is simply the next step.”