I love getting e-mails from guys (or girls) letting me know how their life is going and the growth they are seeing from studying Social Dynamics. Unfortunately too often these messages are telling me about an urgent situation that isn’t urgent at all. The typical response I send to the majority of e-mails I get are: “Dude, you just need to relax.”
This was definitely the case on Sunday:
Shortly after finishing the bootcamp I was running, I received a text message from one of my students. The night before he went on a date with a cutie and it went well, but there was a problem: she hadn’t responded to his text yet, and he was beginning to worry. He’s looking for advice, so the first thing I do is check the time: It’s 4pm.
Naturally this makes me facepalm.
If a girl hasn’t texted you back and it’s only 4pm, just take a chill pill. She could be at school, at work, hanging out with a friend, or just sleeping because she’s hung-over from drinking with you the night before; she could just be busy! By getting all worked up, not only are you wasting valuable mental energy over nothing and stressing yourself out (over nothing), but you could easily react poorly and make a bad decision, potentially ending the relationship.
… Sure enough 5 minutes after I told my client to relax and give her time to respond, she sent him a text initiating conversation. Hilarious stuff really.
The other day I received a message on Facebook chat from a friend of mine. He had a suggestion for a blog topic for us to write about. Earlier that day he went on a date with a girl, and it went well. That evening they ended up at the same club together, him with his friends, and her with hers. She ended up spending most of the time hanging out with her other guy friends, and this made him feel insecure. “Earlier on the date I was the center of her attention, and now I wasn’t, and that made me behave differently.”
This is a classic example of needing to take a chill pill. It’s only been one date and he’s getting way too attached way too quickly. He’s going to end up scaring her off. They went on a date together and had a good time. It wasn’t anything more, or anything less. This is a good thing. Honestly… as a guy, if you make her smile and laugh, if she has fun around you, that’s a very good recipe for success. What more do you want really? I know when I hang out with a girl, if we have fun that’s good enough for me.
Instead of allowing the lack of attention he was getting from her at the club to affect him, he should have been focused on spending quality time with his friends. He got to spend quality time with the girl earlier, and hopefully made the most of it, so at the club was a perfect time to chill out, spend time with his friends and show the girl he isn’t going to be that clingy needy boyfriend-type, who doesn’t have his own life, and his own fun without her. If he spent the time hanging out with his friends having a blast, and then when he did get to talk to her he brought a lot of positive vibes and energy, she would have been that much more attracted. I would recommend this guy focus on remaining present on himself next time.
Now to be honest, I’m just as guilty as anybody else in needing to take a chill pill sometimes. There are definitely cases where I need to remind myself to take a step back and focus on myself, instead of being focused on pushing relationships too hard too fast. The key for me is to be conscious about the actual beliefs I have about these situations, which are: If I’m having fun with a girl, that IS enough for me. If this is the case then I really do only want to spend more time with her, and I’m happy when we get that time together.
One last example:
I love having female friends. One of the reasons for this is because guys constantly hit on them… and there are few things I find more entertaining than real-time updates of a guy texting a girl trying to pick her up. Fellow blogger extraordinaire Jamie Hyatt is no exception. She constantly has guys texting her, with so many coming across needy by making simple stupid mistakes. One example of a simple mistake is texting her multiple times before she has a chance to respond. Like I said before… just take a chill pill.
BTW. If anybody reading this is looking for a photographer, check out her photography page.
Hopefully these three examples help remind you to chill out a bit. Remember your number one focus should always be yourself, so anytime you begin to feel like a girl is affecting you, or you’re getting worried because she hasn’t responded, re-focus your attention on living your life to the fullest. Re-align back to center. Take ten minutes to meditate, or go for a run. Most importantly, when you are feeling like this, don’t make any silly decisions or do anything stupid. You’ll just end up regretting it, and living life having regrets SUCKS. You may have put in a decent amount of work to meet this girl and have a successful date, so don’t ruin it by making bad decisions when you’re feeling insecure. Feeling like that isn’t the end of the world, it’s ok.
If this post helped you out, share it with your friends. Help us spread the word of Social Dynamics, because this is what this blog is about: spreading the word of Social Dynamics to the rest of the world. We do this one person at a time, so any help from you will make a difference!