I was going to start off this article by captivating your attention with the amazing power of creating habits. Then I remembered that the biggest source of motivation to create habits was to just start doing them. Starting small, building, and keeping the momentum rolling will give you more motivation than anything I could say here. The process feeds the fire.

Today’s post is the first in a series on forming powerful habits using the easiest way I know. I want to help you build a foundation to effectively create new habits on your own. You do not need a 300 page book before you effectively establish a life-changing habit. It comes from within you.

Let’s Get Started

Humans are creatures of habit. That sounds cliché but it is 100% the truth. We look for patterns in order to understand the world around us, and we also act through patterns. These behavioural patterns are called habits. We usually develop habits without any conscious awareness of them, which results in both positive and negative habits. These habits are created when we consistently react to the same situations with the same responses. Overtime, these consistent responses program us to respond the same way in the future.

Why are we programmed to create habits? They are a huge advantage to us because they free our mental capacity to focus on higher-order problems. If we had to think about proper grammar every time we tried to communicate something, then it would take hours to read or write anything. If you have ever learned a second language, you can appreciate how much easier it is to express ideas in your native language. Speaking your native language is a subconscious habit. It just happens.

We sometimes learn habits that feel right in the moment, but have negative long term effects. This is seen with people who drink alcohol to relieve stress, or gamble because of the thrill. Eventually, these also become habits and are hard to break.

Habits are difficult to break because following them makes us feel good, and not following them makes us feel bad. There is resistance when we try to go against our habits. It just doesn’t feel right. However, humans have an amazing ability; we can consciously decide to overcome this resistance and establish a routine that brings us closer to our goals on auto-pilot.

Successful people consciously decide to build positive habits, taking over initial control until their new actions happen unconsciously. When someone starts going to the gym, it isn’t easy, but after going for a month straight, it becomes easier to go to the gym than it is to stay at home. Any new adventure is a challenge at first, but eventually our innate human abilities take over and we just do it.

Are you ready to create habits and free up your mind for more important things? Do you want to stop procrastinating? Do you want to start working out consistently 5 times per week? Whatever habit you want to initiate, it’s time to identify it – and I am going to do this with you.

Exercise #1:
I want you to create a habit list. Separate your habit list into three columns. In the first column, write any negative habits you want to get rid of. In the second column, write out the positive habits you’ve already established that fuel your success. The third column is the fun part. Here, I want you to brainstorm a minimum of five habits that you are going to change with the help of this article series.
Reflect on column 3 and start to feel what your life would be like if these were already your habits. Don’t think about whether or not you’ll be successful (because you will be). I just want you to imagine your life with these habits firmly established. What would it feel like?

Here is my list of 5:

1. Spend 1 hour each morning, Monday to Friday, improving my writing
2. Only socialize on facebook for 5 minutes per day, after I’ve already completed my night-time routine
3. Run a 600m race every day around my block. (I want to compete in in-door track and field next year)
4. Quit television, except for playoff sports of my favourite teams. (I’m still leaving room for the most important television I watch)
5. Spend two hours each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, writing a new blog post for impossiblewin.com.

I have heard from many people that the easiest way to create habits is to do it every single day. I agree, however it doesn’t make or break a habit if you choose specific days to do it. Sometimes, scheduling constraints will only allow you to start a new habit once per week – and that’s perfectly fine.

In the next article on habits, we are going prepare ourselves to succeed by making one of your habits easy to stick with long term. This part will reduce any friction while you’re implementing the new habit and streamline your success when you’re ready to implement it. I’m ready to create a new habit, are you?

Many of you have noticed it’s been a bit quiet on the Kingpin Social front lately. A lot of people have been asking me what we’ve been up to and what we’ve been working on.

Enter Kevin

If you recall back in October, we released a blog post called Who Is Kingpin Social? where we discussed what Kingpin Social stood for and what we wanted to accomplish.

In the post we mention an exciting new project – teaching our Social Dynamics curriculum in an actual school – beginning in the Spring of 2013.

So the answer is simple: I have been in the lab creating different platforms for self-development and methods of communicating our Social Dynamics curriculum. I have been taking the last few months to develop a platform to learn Social Dynamics for the Autism Aspergers Friendship Society in Calgary (AAFS).

(Click here to check out some of the great work that they are doing for the autism community.)

AAFS asked me to develop and run a 12-week program that would be a fun and engaging way of learning the foundations of Social Dynamics, which to us are: building healthy relationships, creating a positive environment and developing purpose. What better way then through games? I have observed that youth among many others in this current day and age really connect with and are motivated to play video games. I was also part of this demographic as I used to love playing video games. The problem is this isn’t the most productive or positive way to invest so many hours of our time and energy. The Autism community is really no different.

Our program is designed with the concept of “gamifying self-development” in mind. This means developing ourselves through different game mechanics we create and connect with. The perspective we are trying to develop is to start seeing our lives as an open source video game that we are responsible for creating – whether it’s character development, discovering your final quest or even exploring the world map. These are all game mechanics that can be applied to real life and your real life character to create real value while still having fun and being motivated. Obviously all elements of life don’t need to be viewed as a game, and some areas of life are better not. This is another part the awareness that we are attempting to pass along.

Working with Dean, the AAFS’ executive director, and the rest of the team at AAFS has been an amazing experience. What I am coming to realize is the greatest value to me personally is the experience I gain from the unique challenges in communicating such a valuable concept to a diverse group of individuals. I love trying to find new and engaging ways to teach without it feeling like teaching. This opportunity allows me to direct my creative energy to thinking outside the box in the ways we can teach, develop, and learn Social Dynamics, and I hope to share more of these methods and techniques with you as we develop them further.

Thus far we have just completed week 5 of the program. This week was directed towards the communication of value where we focused on communicating emotions and needs.

It has been an incredible learning experience thus far and I am looking forward to what is on the horizon. One of the days I’m most excited about is one where I will be bringing in local b-boy (breakdance) crews in to showcase and present their relationships with each other and with the dance itself is definitely something I’m looking forward to!

Keep an eye out for future posts as I will be updating the status of the program and experiences as I feel like there is much to be learned from this opportunity.

I would also love your feedback, comments, and questions. Feel free to leave them below!

This past weekend Kevin and I participated in “Startup Weekend” here in Calgary. The event is a culmination of putting 80 entrepreneurs in a room, pitching ideas, selecting the best ones, forming teams, and then speaking 56 hours building these new businesses as much as possible to compete in a final presentation in front of a panel of judges… with various prizes going to the winners.

11 different teams were formed of various sizes. Kevin participated on team “Outrank”, and I joined “Mood2Food”. My team was fortunate to win 2nd place!

There were many lessons learned throughout the weekend, which Kevin’s team leader wrote about here.

“Startup Weekends” run across the globe so if this sounds like a fun idea to you, check out their website and sign up for one in your area… both Kevin and I highly recommend it!

“The doctor of the future will no longer treat the human frame with drugs and medicine, but rather, will cure and prevent disease with nutrition.” – Thomas Edison

Eating healthier foods has substantially increased my energy levels, my gains in the gym, and has made my overall outlook on life more positive.

I’ve been working out since I was 14 years old. Going to the gym and maintaining a strong, healthy figure has always been important to me. It started out being just for aesthetics, then I started playing football and had something to train for. As I studied various resources training I noticed that they all referred to diet being about 40% of the equation when it came to gaining weight and lifting heavier.

I figured if I could go to the gym 4–5 times per week and consistently increase the amount of weight that I was lifting that I would be able to eat whatever I wanted. This proved true for the years I did work out, I did get stronger and I did get bigger.

I’ve been paying attention to my diet since I got back from my Kelowna trip in October. I’ve seen more gains in my aesthetics, my strength and my weight in the last 4 months than I saw all of last year combined.

There are thousands upon thousands of external resources that people can use to improve their gains in the gym, lose the 50 pounds they’ve always wanted to, or increase their overall health and well being so they have the energy to live a happier life. The truth is – “how–to” is completely useless without reasons to stay motivated and stick out a healthy lifestyle throughout all the good times and the bad.

Reasons We Fail

As rational creatures often times we use our ability to rationalize to justify behaving irrationally.

Hypothetically speaking, let’s say our goal is to lose 10 pounds. We decide that in order to lose 10 pounds, we’re going to have to eat cleaner, drink more water, and go to the gym 3 times a week.

In a valiant effort to set ourselves up for success we decide that we’re going to go to the gym at 6pm after we’re done work on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Our goal is to cook healthy food for ourselves every night and stop going to the store to pick up quick munchies that trick us with their delicious, sugary taste.

Monday rolls around and we succeed. We go to the gym, eat good food and feel great about our progress. Tuesday more of the same story, we eat good food and drink a healthy amount of water.

On Wednesday our boss dumps a bunch of extra work on us. With all of the extra work we forget about drinking water all day. 5pm rolls around and we’re tired, and we just had extra work dumped on us, so we decide that we’re going to skip out on the gym today.

“I’ll go tomorrow. I worked hard today… I’m too tired.”

We stop at 7-11 on the way home to pick up junk food.

“It was a long day, I need some food now. I’ll eat good tomorrow.”

We get home, munch on our bag of Doritos, and feel as good as we possibly can about our lack of integrity, inability to take action and lack of self-discipline. Our brains rationalize 4, 5, 6, 7, different reasons why we didn’t go to the gym, but underneath all the B.S. we know the truth.

We set a goal to go to the gym, eat healthy and drink lots of water, and we failed. This type of behavior can lead us down a self-destructive path and often because we don’t have a reason to stay continuously motivated we fall short of our initial goal.

There’s always going to be a reason not to do the things we need to do to accomplish the goals we set out for ourselves. The truth is, we need to find reasons TO do the things we need to do, otherwise we will engage ourselves in situations that will side-track us from our ideal, and we’ll justify our impulsive behaviors with countless valid excuses.

Why – To

I believe we all have a duty to be responsible for our health and well being.

Our current habits and behaviors have been and are continually being shaped by our environment. The choices the people in our life make day to day have an impact on our decision making process, and vice versa. The choices, habits and behaviors we carry with us have an impact on each and every person that we come in contact with, and each person they come in contact with, and so our choices, habits and behaviors ripple through society.

When we form the habit of living an unhealthy lifestyle, we are not only making that choice for ourselves, we are impacting everyone around us negatively.

When I moved into my first house at 18 years old I decided I only had one life to live, and I was going to spend my life high 90% of the time. I smoked marijuana 3 times a day for 6 months straight.

My choice to smoke marijuana impacted my roommates, because each time I would get high they would see it and their brain would register that behavior as not only mine, but their own. Our brains have empathetic mirror neurons inside of them, when we watch someone else performing an action, the same neurons fire as if we were performing the action ourselves. And so the cycle of destructive behavior re-ran its course as I would watch them smoke weed, eat unhealthy and make decisions that harmed their quality of life.

When we make the decision to live a healthy lifestyle and we form the habit of consciously improving our health and well-being, we are not only making that choice for ourselves, we are positively impacting every person we come in contact with, and each person they come in contact with, thus, creating a cycle of constructive behavior witin our environment.

Since monitoring my health and well-being I’ve noticed an overall improvement in the quality of the health of everyone in my environment. More and more of my friends are cooking in bulk for themselves, going to the gym more, and breaking through long-time plateaus with their fitness goals.

The choices that I’ve made over the last 4 months to get healthier and healthier day by day have formed healthy habits, and these habits have impacted my environment around me. As I watch measurable improvements in the quality of health in the people I love, I am inspired to reach for more health, vitality and wellness.

What’s Your Goal?

Nutrition is one of the most important areas of our life. The healthier we eat, the more energy we have, the better we feel, and the better our body responds to the goals our mind sets for it. Each one of us lives a unique lifestyle, and each one of us will have a unique goal based on our individual circumstance.

I play football so my goal is to get stronger, lift heavier and move faster. My diet regime and workout routine reflect my goal.

Perhaps your goal is to lose 50 pounds so you have the energy to play with your children. Maybe you want to gain 10 pounds and have a leaner, more aesthetic look. Perhaps you just want to have more energy and you don’t care about how much weight you lift.

No matter what your goal is, get specific about your goal. Set a realistic, obtainable goal and this will be your first step in giving yourself a reason “why–to”.

Instead of just stating “I want to lose 10 pounds”, set a realistic time frame for you to lose that weight. Dieticians typically recommend healthy weight loss to be 0.5–2 pounds per week, so realistically, losing 10 pounds would take you about 10 weeks. Your goal would look something like this.

“I want to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. I will be 170 pounds by April 12th 2013.”

Let’s say your goal is to gain weight. Bodybuilders recommend you aim to gain about 0.5 pounds of lean muscle mass per week. If you want to gain 10 pounds of lean muscle mass, your goal would be 20 weeks. Your goal would look something like this.

“I want to gain 10 pounds of lean muscle in 20 weeks. I will be 190 pounds by June 21st 2013.”

Get Serious

Life doesn’t give you the things you want on a silver platter, unless you actually believe you can wish yourself into achieving your goals.

Any goal that has ever been accomplished has come with time, energy, patience, consistent effort, discipline, integrity and willpower. There is always going to be a reason for you not to do the things you must do to realize your goals, no matter what they may be. Get serious. Your decisions to be lazy and procrastinate on one of the most important areas of your life – your health – impact your environment, and create habits that ripple through society and negatively impact everyone around you. Your decisions to be healthy over time create habits that positively impact the people you love, the people they love, etc. No matter what you decide to do, you will be influencing those around you.

Get serious. Stop making excuses and start making it happen.

What’s your “why-to?” Leave a comment and let us know.

By the way… applications for our Mentorship Coaching program will be closing soon. There are a limited number of spots left, so if you want to accelerate your success in implementing the strategies of Social Dynamics to live a more badass life, apply today.

Think of the first time you heard “don’t judge” from one of your friends or family members. It probably felt a bit odd and unfounded, as you were not even aware what you were doing was wrong. We are creatures of habit and it’s easy to fall into the bad habit of judging people. This is a short story on how I was able to fix my negative judgment of other people and myself.

At the end of 2012 I started reading Human Dynamics by Dr. Sandra Seagal and David Horne. Human Dynamics focuses on the different thought processes people have and how to create synergistic teams with the understanding that no one’s process is better, just different. Naturally I am the more subjective type and have a great difficulty viewing things from an objective view. However, being overly subjective allows for an increased empathy and relate-ability with people because I can literally feel what they feel.

When you make a decision you always use “reference points” to ground your perspective. For sales’ associates it could be “monthly sales,” for blood donors it could be “lives saved,” for a charities it could be “dollars raised.”

My emotions are my reference points. This means I have trouble separating my emotions from situations that are strategically disadvantaged to use emotional reference points because of their ungrounded nature. One second I may feel one way, the next moment I may feel another. Making professional decisions from emotional reference points is like trying to strategize for a board game with only the Spanish directions.

It’s more natural for me to make my decisions from emotional reference points. I often end up passing covert judgment on the people I speak with, and the way I feel is dependent on the subject matter we are discussing. In turn, I will involuntarily pass judgment on that person based on the emotions I feel in that moment. If I were to talk to a friend in distress I may judge them as a helpless person who needs nurturing, when in reality they could be one of the strongest people I know. This shows how emotional judgments can contain errors.

This pattern of judgment has repeated itself over my life but I’ve never had a tool to help myself overcome this issue. I was never able to understand how some people avoid passing negative judgment on others and themselves.

Don’t Judge, Just Observe

I assumed people either judged you or they didn’t. People could either turn their judgment on or off like a light switch. Until a trip in late 2012 to my Aunt’s place I could see no reconciliation to this problem.

My Aunt is a very objective person. I jokingly called her a robot with moral values because she has this amazing mental capacity to process information in an objective way, even in very emotional situations where I’d go whacko! For months she had told me “don’t judge, just observe” but it didn’t sink in until I saw how different she is compared to her husband.

She thinks, plans, does the accounting, finances, and even strategizes for the family. He focuses on his day-by-day experience, works as a longshoreman when he feels like it, and nurtures his family. She wants to build a financial support system, and he would rather go fishing with the kids. If she were to judge him, their relationship would tarnish and break after a critical amount of compounded-resentment bursts from a series of unmet expectations. Because she observes him, she can see him for his strengths and appreciate his “way of living,” giving contrast to her own.

Observing and not judging also has benefits for their kids (my cousins) who grow up in an environment where regardless of their differences; each individual has the support and freedom to be who they are. To watch this was very inspiring for me and forced my common assumptions about things like Nazi-level-cleanliness and what that says about a person.

All this is because they observe and don’t judge.

Present Day

I am now able to separate my subjective judgment from my objective observations. Every conversation I have with someone, I remind myself to observe their actions and not judge them. Previously this was difficult for me, (as I would imagine it is with most people) because I wanted to project my values and motivations onto them instead of trying to understand their perspective.

I also apply this, a tremendous amount, to my internal dialog. After any conversation I have, I always reflect on what I’ve felt. The more I’ve felt, the more reflecting I do. I will often pass judgment on myself based on the emotions I feel. I am very critical of myself, so when I reflect on my feelings, most often, they will be interpreted negatively and my self-judgment follows suit. Once this cycle continues to repeat itself, I find it hard to break.

During my phase of reflection, I now focus on observing my actions and feelings that occur, rather than judging them. The two things this does for me; first, it clearly separates my emotional bias from anything I can learn from the experience and second, it allows me to extract objective lessons I can communicate to other people. As a coach this is extremely valuable.

As I increase the number of observations and lessen my judgments I am more positive and less emotionally unstable.

My aunt is truly an amazing person and taught me how to separate my emotions from my thoughts. Emotions are a subjective experience. Every time you meditate, what you feel belongs to you, just the same, as every emotional outburst you have, is yours. You are the only person who feels exactly like you do. By focusing on your observations instead of focusing on your judgment of others or self-judgment, you can be a happier, more effective, and motivated person.

By the way… applications for our Mentorship Coaching program will be closing soon. There are a limited number of spots left, so if you want to accelerate your success in implementing the strategies of Social Dynamics to live a more badass life, apply today.

This is a guest post by Max Nachamkin from Inner Gladiator.

Enter Max

The world is getting smaller and smaller every day. With Facebook hitting 1 billion users, it’s now even easier to ‘connect’ with people.

But with this sense of connectedness, we tend to escape what’s in front of us every day. Here in Philadelphia, I can’t even count the number of people I see who are texting on the way to class, instead of looking around and talking to people they know.

Technology was invented to help solve the problem of being so far apart, but now that we’ve incorporated it so much in our lives, it’s gotten to the point of a social addiction, where personal communication is left to a minimum.

What does this mean?

Social networking is an illusion for most people — they think that they are talking to many people, when they are in fact talking very few, and on a superficial level.

Conversations become meaningless and small-talk becomes the daily routine. Personal relationships suffer as a consequence.

It feels depressing even writing this…

… But it’s not all bad, and there’s amazing news too:

Personal communication and connection is valued even MORE today than it has ever been. And when you do it right, the value you give to the world is fucking strong. Look back to a time when you met someone at a party and instantly connected with them.

It felt awesome, right? When this happens to me, I feel like the party was great – even if it sucked – just because I met one person that I liked, and that liked me in return.

Or think about when you’re out in public and have a positive conversation with a stranger. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something strong when you connect with people you don’t know, especially when you do it quickly.

When it comes down to it, rapidly connecting with a fellow human being is the ultimate value.
They leave the interaction feeling great about themselves, about what they do, and about who they are. You’re giving them love. You’re giving them your full attention, and every time you do this, your value increases as a person.

People are distracted by so many other things that when you give them your focus, they realize what they’ve been missing.

And the best part: you begin to love to make people feel good, and the cycle repeats.

The Mindset

A huge part of social dynamics is to influence people to help you achieve your goals (and help them with theirs to create that win-win relationship). By leading your interactions with people and by using these techniques I’m about to show you, you’ll not only help people feel better about themselves, but you’ll also make it easier to ask for help when you need it.

When people like you, they’re more likely to help you. It’s common sense, but yet so easy to forget about.

And you know what? They will feel even better for helping you.

When you don’t ask someone for help when you need it, you’re denying them the chance to be helpful. And why would you want that? I always say the best feeling in the world is to feel important, and over time, I still haven’t found anything better.

Regardless, these simple techniques will work for friends of friends that you’re meeting or not-so-random strangers on the street. Once you get practice in with these techniques, you’ll both feel good about having come out of the interaction of meeting each other, and you’ll start to build those win-win relationships you’re looking for.

The Techniques

Body Language

Body language is crucial. When you communicate the right message in your interactions on a physical level, people will start to ‘get it’ on a subconscious level. By doing the right things, you’ll make people feel comfortable. Without comfort, you’ll weird them out or give them the wrong impression.

First: Smile.

Second: Tilt your head down and a little to the side. You’ll seem more intrigued and non-threatening. Ever seen someone walk around with their head held up a little too high? It makes you feel like they seem better than you, and it’s annoying. Remember to keep your head slightly down and tilted to the side.

Third: Mirror body language.

For example, if you’re at a library, and a cute girl is looking for a book, you better be looking like you’re looking for a book too. If you just go straight up to her while she’s looking in a different direction, you’ll seem extremely threatening. Yes, you could still meet her, but when you’re body language mirrors hers, her subconscious will tell her that you’re not threatening her environment and it will be easier to connect with her.

Same thing goes with meeting an important person at a business meeting or a stranger on the street.

Creating a time constraint

Give the other person a clue that this conversation isn’t going to last forever. A simple, “Hey.. I gotta run in a second to catch a train, but…”

People like to feel secure. By doing this, you’ll make them feel even more comfortable when you’re meeting them. If you’re already at a meeting or a party, it’s already assumed, so you don’t have to worry about this one. But if you’re talking to someone in a public place and your interaction doesn’t have an end date, this technique is extremely helpful.

Again, without comfort, it’s much harder to connect.

Focusing all on them

Since your goal when going into an interaction is to make the other person feel good about themselves, you have to switch the focus to them whenever you can. You want to get them talking about themselves. When someone talks about themselves, they feel comfortable and important. They feel perfect in that moment.

You’ll know when you get it right because they will want to keep talking and talking and talking (and talking) about something they’re passionate about.

Now, don’t go approaching someone random on the street and asking everything about them.

That’s creepy.

But if you want to meet someone, then go say what’s up. You don’t need any canned lines or an excuse.

In the case of meeting a stranger, though, it’s efficient to focus on some third-party item. If you’re at a bookstore…first, make sure your body language is correct, then make a comment about how crowded it is or that you can’t seem to find the book you’re looking for. You’ll get a small reaction, but then you can ask for help on finding a new book, and then start asking questions about them.

Make them feel comfortable, then focus on getting to know them.

By doing this, you’re making them feel good about themselves. Too many people go throughout the day feeling like shit or that they aren’t good enough…and by giving your full attention to someone, you are giving them the most important gift in the world. You’ll make their day.

Once they start to open up, listen. This isn’t unconventional wisdom here.

Listen to what they have to say and step inside their head for a minute. If they are saying stuff that you don’t like, that’s okay. Your goal isn’t to prove that you are right and that they are wrong — you are simply just trying to figure out what this person is like.

Fill in the conversation gaps with “how? why? when? with? who?”. Give a non-verbal agreement by nodding your head and being legitimately interested. Better yet, actually get interested in what they have to say.

This is the best part: it’s not uncommon for someone to come out of an interaction feeling awesome. They’ll love you for just having listened. They won’t straight up tell you this, but you can tell in the way they’re acting that you know it’s true. They are smiling, happy, and feeling accepted.

But sometimes, they will feel guilty because they realized you haven’t said a word. You kept putting the focus on them, and they only realized it after the fact because they were having such an awesome time talking about what they love.

Wait a second…you wanted to go meet someone and now they feel guilty that they don’t know you? Fuck yeah!

In those cases, share some things about yourself to put them at ease. As long as you don’t go on to some long tangent or rant, it’s all good. Just share some things about your life and put the focus back on them.

Takeaways

When you build rapid rapport with someone, your goal is to understand them quickly. You want to learn everything you can about this person, and by doing so; you’ll make the person feel amazing. They’ll love you for it, and you’ll begin to appreciate your ability to brighten up other people’s days.

By connecting with more people, you’ll find more people that you enjoy being around. You’ll start to find the people you want in your life, and you’ll find people that you care for, and will care for you in return.

If you think about it, chances are that you know someone who uses these techniques to give value to other people. These people understand how social dynamics works. They “get it”.

If there’s one thing to take away from this article, it’s to start focusing on understanding other people. Get to know what they want from life, and figure out how you can help them get it. By helping other people get what they want, you add value to their life significantly. And when you add value to their lives, they’ll be more inclined to help you with your goals when you really need their help.

By learning about someone quickly and efficiently, you will begin to form more win-win relationships and develop the kingpin lifestyle you want.

Special Bonus for Kingpin Lifestyle readers:

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All you have to do is sign up here, and I’ll send it to you for free!

• Put on 10lbs of muscle and gain CONFIDENCE
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This action guide is free for Kingpin Lifestyle readers — so get on it, get to work, and keep becoming the man you want to be.

By the way… applications for our Mentorship Coaching program will be closing soon. There are a limited number of spots left, so if you want to accelerate your success in implementing the strategies of Social Dynamics to live a more badass life, apply today.

You know what upsets me the most?

What gets to me the most is when friends disrespect me. It irritates me when friends don’t act the way I expect them to and I end up having to appease them just so they can have their way.

That really angers me and it can bother me for days as the negative thoughts just dwell in my head.

I’ve always wondered why this bothers me so much. I even justify it. I mean, it’s normal right? Who likes it when friends don’t live up to your expectations?

I have every right to be upset…

… Until I kept meeting other people who seemed invincible to this aspect of life.

Yep I’ve met them.

This is not to say this is just about other friends telling me to simply “chill out” or “relax and let it go”. I have actual friends who are completely immune to being affected by friends. It really amazed me because deep down, this thing seriously bothered me to a point I was seeking help for it!

Have you ever felt like this before?

Have you encountered a group of people who were wildly affected by something or someone when it seemed totally normal and no big deal to you at all?

I have.

See, I get annoyed by friends. But I’m NEVER affected by comments from the internet. I never take part in trolling or flaming, and it makes me wonder why some people keep taking part in that nonsense online all the time.

So then I thought, “If I can feel this major sense of ease when it comes to online hate, I’m sure others feel the same when it comes to being annoyed by friends in person”.

And since then, I always used the idea of projecting my emotions and thoughts for a more positive life.

How to use projection to feel more positive

1. Think of what deeply affects others, but not you.

Think about it. This is where you put yourself in others’ shoes about what hurts them. Think up all sorts of different examples from different people. Write them down.

Personally, I think it’s ridiculous to be affected by comments online. What’s yours? Getting pissed off on the road by lousy drivers? Getting hurt by girls who brush you aside?

2. Focus on the feeling of ease.

Now, as ridiculous as you think it is, think of the feeling of bliss you have over this. Then, go back to what bothers you. Do you now know then that there’re many people actually wonder why you get so upset over it? They have that ease over you and the situation, that ease you feel yourself too… just in other areas. What’s the difference? Why does one affect you and not the other?

This is where you get to know that it’s actually not that big a deal. If others can have a good control over it, so can you.

3. Project that feeling of ease of others onto yourself.

Now, project yourself outwards. Every time you feel a sense of negativity or have a negative thought, think of how others are never affected by it. Think of the possibility of feeling happy EASILY. Think of how, despite being unique individuals, we all have the same ability to be happy.

Keep going outwards. Don’t dwell on it and go inwards and try to analyze why you’re unhappy. Doing so would only serve to make you more unhappy, as if it’s an ironic, self-fulfilling prophecy.

Move out, and move on.

4. Finally, project this in every situation.

For whatever situation that makes you upset, angry or unhappy, realize that at the end of the day, it’s only a feeling. Others definitely cannot empathize with you completely, but why not put a twist on it and aim to be happy, since others already are?

Again, it’s only a feeling.

Keep projecting outwards and think of how for whatever situation you’re in, someone out there doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Let go, it’s OK. Then, you can truly relax and be happy.

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My eyes were dragging like dull daggers along the wall as I pulled myself from the comfort of my bed to begin my morning routine.

Within thirty minutes I had eaten my high protein breakfast, slammed a cup of coffee, showered and sharpened my image for the day.

I loaded up Chrome and started watching videos on my favorite YouTube channel “BigThink.” Robert Kaplan of Harvard was speaking about coaching, mentoring, and how the senior business executives’ weakness is that they coach others; yet do not have a coach of their own.

He suggested that every person should have a coach big or small.

I thought to myself that everyone should have a mentor in the same way. If I look back at my own personal growth, the times my growth has accelerated the most, were when I had some type of mentor.

However, not every mentor is the same. Some mentors had a minimal impact on me and some could be considered the Michael Angelo of my life, shaping me into the Statue of David I am today (just a little less naked).

You NEED to be able to tell GREAT MENTORS from poor ones. Here are three of the BEST qualities I have observed in my great mentors:

A Great Mentor Thinks Differently Than You

I am not made like any of those I have seen. I venture to believe that I am not made like any of those who are in existence. If I am not better, at least I am different. -Jean-Jacques Rousseau

The world is huge with over 7 billion people on the planet, most of who have no idea you even exist other than your abstract contribution to your countries population.

Every single person on the planet is unique, but there are objective observations used to categorize people.

For instance there are four different types of communicators (kinesthetic, auditory, visual, and digital) and three types of thought processes (physical, emotional, and mental). Everyone is strongest in one type of communication (I’m dominant in kinesthetic) and dominant in one sequential thought process (naturally I am emotional than physical than mental). Everyone varies how he or she distributes his or her strengths, and no one is 100% one type or sequence.

What kind of communicator are you? What is your sequential thought process?

There is never a “right” way to do something only an arguably appropriate means to a task. Everyone has a different way of approaching problems or communicating them.

The trick to discovering a great mentor is finding one that fits you; someone who has a different thought process but has similar values. The different thought process allows you to contrast your own decision-making or problem-solving ability, while the common ground of values acts as a bridge to connect their perspective to yours.

In simple terms, when you talk to your mentor you should feel that they “get it.”

This will allow you to feel comfortable talking to them and understand their perspective even when you disagree with what they are saying.

A great mentor thinks differently than you so you may leverage their experiences and strengths to improve the things you could not do on your own, independently.

A Great Mentor Never Gives You The Answer

Live to learn and you will really learn to live.
- John C. Maxwell

Two years ago I found myself on a spiritual mission. I was looking for reasons to justify my beliefs in spirituality and in metaphysics, and mainly focused on Eastern Philosophies of oneness and enlightenment. Statements like “we are all connected” or “everything happens for a reason” or “happiness exists only in the present moment” all made so much sense.

I tried repeatedly to fit the literal meaning of these spiritual principles into my life. They were all close but none seemed to fit into my life without disturbing the balance of everything else. It was like trying to put on a pair of shoes you want to buy that doesn’t quite fit, and then trying to run in them.

Consulting my mentors at the time, I came with a bucket load of questions. Over and over I tried to pull the answers out of them but never received a straight answer. I felt like they were avoiding the questions.

Finally after much internal debate I understood the lesson I needed to learn: It was me that had to decide what beliefs serve me and what beliefs don’t – nobody else can decide for me. There is a point when your parents stop helping you find a pair of shoes that fit. You reach a point of maturity that allows you to find and buy your own shoes, independent of your parents. If you buy a pair that hurts, you learn and next time you fit them properly.

If my mentors had just told me the answers, they would be giving me their subjective opinion and I would never develop an opinion of my own. Developing my own opinion has contributed immensely to my confidence.

I truly feel I have a wealth of wisdom and knowledge to offer other people. The things I am strongest in aren’t the morals I’ve been told, but rather the lessons I have learned through my own experiences.

A great mentor never gives you the answer because you get so much more confidence and knowledge by learning it for yourself, BUT, a mentor is invaluable in guiding you towards that answer. A great mentor will cut years off your learning curve.

A Great Mentor Should Challenge Your Beliefs

What we believe is heavily influenced by what we think others believe.
- Thomas Gilovich

A confrontation between two people signifies two separate belief systems not meshing appropriately. Each person feels they have the right perspective and wishes to argue their validity through either a verbal or physical means.

The problem with most people is that they are afraid of being wrong or have an irrational fear of physical confrontation. The real reason is they cannot accept the idea that someone else may have a better perspective or a better understanding then they themselves. People therefore behave in a way that usually avoids conflict and confrontation not because of effectiveness with others but the FEAR of another’s opinion.

Always remember: Champions embrace conflict. Tweet

My great mentors have never shied away from challenging my opinion or beliefs. They don’t let me get away with inconsistencies in my arguments or incongruence in my behavior. It takes a more experienced person who is solid in their belief system to not back down when there is a discrepancy between your argument and theirs.

Your beliefs are always in an ever-changing state. You never stop growing as a person just the same as you never stop employing and releasing beliefs. If your mentor does not challenge your beliefs than you will never be able to employee new ones that may serve you better than your current.

Because of the high degree of vulnerability around beliefs your mentor has to have the BALLS to look you in the eyes and ask you WHY you believe what you believe. The only way you can argue your beliefs is by thinking for yourself. People who cannot articulate the reasoning behind their beliefs tend to be more prone to insecurities and ineffectiveness with other people in their life.

By challenging your beliefs your mentor forces you to develop means to communicate what you believe and why. A great mentor will always question your beliefs because like a muscle, your confidence, communication, and effectiveness with others can be exercised and improved.

Conclusion

Your mentor will always be someone who you can connect with. They “get it.”

Great mentors understand how their belief system grew from the lessons they learned from the things they experienced. By NOT giving you the answer, they offer you the same opportunity. The lessons you learn from those experiences should be challenged objectively, to display how appropriate your beliefs are.

That’s why mentors that “get it” AND think differently are such a powerful influence in your life.

• Look for someone that you connect with that has achieved a higher level of success in an important area of your life.
• Look for someone who “get’s it,” understands your values, and can relate.
• Look for someone that is not scared to ask the big questions that need discussing; someone with balls.
• Look for someone who has or is being successfully mentored. This means that they will know the value of mentorship.

True education does not consist merely in the acquiring of a few facts of science, history literature, or art, but in the development of character. – David O. McKay

Where do you go from here?

Do you currently have a mentor? If you do, what are the biggest things you’ve learned from them so far? Tell me in the comment section below!

If you don’t, consider applying to our mentorship program. Mentors cut YEARS off your learning curve, help you expand your perspective and take away the frustration of having to learn on your own.

Having a mentor is a NO-BRAINER. The best way to get someone to mentor you is to ask. Although applications to our program are closing soon, if you’re really serious about taking your life to the next level, let us know!

I was in the lineup for attendance call a few days into the first week of grade 5. My bag was with me, messy but all things were accounted for. In between the first few last names starting with “A” I caught myself looking at the back of my peer’s abnormally dark head through the tinted lenses of my new sunglasses. They were gifted to me from the gent that my mother was dating at the time. They followed the contours of my head perfectly and reflected enough light that no one could see my eyes. I felt like the epitome of grade 5 cool.

A few seconds later I looked behind me to find the one guy in class that I hated the most who also happened to be the most popular. “Why are you wearing those?” he asked with a half grin implying the obviousness that they were unnecessary. “That’s stupid to wear sunglasses if the sun is not out.” My self-esteem was already low and in an instant I went from “LL Cool J” to “LL Cool not” as the crushing blow was delivered. I slipped my shades off and quietly placed them in my backpack. Upon telling the story to my mom’s gent, I told him that I had continued to wear them regardless of the guy had said.

The reality was that I was too scared to tell him I had conformed to someone else’s opinion and was embarrassed to share the truth with him from fear of losing his approval. “That’s good,” he told me with a smile on his face. “Be yourself, that’s all you ever need to do,” he said with his hand on my shoulder. Those words sealed the casket of any positive emotions now passed away.

Looking back now I know it was wrong to let the guy tell me what to wear and what to not. Of course it is silly to wear sunglasses during a day without sunlight, but what the hell! Sometimes you just need to do the things that make you feel a little bit better about yourself. If that means wearing sunglasses during an inappropriate time, then wear them!

Be Effective With The Advice You Give

Studying Stephen Covey taught me one thing beyond all the rest: be effective at whatever you do.

This is especially critical with so much advice being thrown around in the self-development community.

Coaching guys & girls in our Mentorship Program has allowed me to see certain patterns of behavior in people’s development and how well they take the advice of others. Of course when you’re going over a topic like the “relationship with oneself” I often hear frustrated symptoms of the “be yourself” advice.

So what’s the problem?

The problem is that no matter how many times you hear or say it, it does not become anymore effective at teaching yourself to come into your own or how to be more confident… if you have the wrong frame of mind.

“Be yourself” is one of the most powerful realizations that you can have as a growing individual.Tweet

“Be yourself” ranks 10/10 on the importance scale and 1/10 on the effective advice scale.

Question: Why is this not an effective way of helping someone you care about?

Answer: Because if one does not know themselves, how are they supposed to “be themselves?”

Know That Being Yourself Is The Answer

The only reason I was able to overcome my insecurities and lack of confidence was the burning desire to improve and fix what had been broken internally. On my search I have heard “be yourself” more times then you can shake a stick at. Each time I knew it was true; I just couldn’t connect myself to the statement and internalize it.

Even thought I have heard “be yourself” in its many forms, I know that the only reason I am able to learn from it is because I know it to be true. Each time I hear it instead of letting it frustrate me I let it nudge me one step closer to internalizing it. One of my favorite writers Earl Nightingale said; “Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.” Instead of allowing that advice to rot my mind, I allow it to power my personal growth.

“Be yourself” is a piece of advice you’ll never stop hearing about, so we need to learn how to utilize it properly.

Here are 3 ways to learn more about yourself:

1. Learn the power of vulnerability. Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the key to true self-esteem. By being vulnerable and embracing who we are, we avoid destructive behaviors found within shame. Vulnerability is key if we are going to “be ourselves”. Watch this amazing video on the concept.
2. Understand your values and priorities. Take 5 minutes to write down the 5-10 most important things to you right now at this point in your life. Once you have your list, rate each one to establish a priority.
3. Create a vision for yourself. A vision will help your sense of identity and give your life direction.

If you can learn that being yourself is the answer you are searching for, and you can slowly get closer to that reality, you will be able to take those once frustrating comments and use them to fuel your success.

By the way… applications for our Mentorship Coaching program will be closing soon. There are a limited number of spots left, so if you want to accelerate your success in implementing the strategies of Social Dynamics to live a more badass life, apply today.

Question: If you were in a state of continuous travel, what would you bring?

This question of what I would bring on a never-ending journey popped into my head recently as both of my roommates will no longer living in our condo as they both want to pursue travels and other experiences.

When you’re faced with moving, relocating, or even travelling, many of us feel a certain anxiety around our stuff. The stress of hauling it all over the place, finding out where everything goes, damaging it or wondering what to bring on a trip… if we’ve brought enough, or what if we’ve forgotten anything!? All these things can become overwhelming.

If you are one of those people with a particularly large amount of “stuff” this feeling can be intensified. In fact there are television shows that are based around the people that take this concept the furthest. They are called hoarders. There are many other names for hoarders too, such as: Collectors, Fanatics, Enthusiasts, Fanboys, etc. In many ways hoarding makes sense. You are creating a stockpile of something that you feel is valuable.

However a question we rarely ask ourselves is how and why is this valuable and to what degree?

People can also hoard or stockpile skills, hobbies, or memories. In fact human beings in general have this tendency to hang onto things. I am personally guilty of starting too many things without finishing them, or learning too many things without getting good at them – “jack of all trades, master of nothing.”

The interesting thing about this idea of hoarding is that it is not as valuable as people think, and it can actually be a very limiting and destructive force because there is really no end to it.

Someone could spend his or her whole life collecting “stuff”. Finding that right balance, especially in a consumer driven society, can be very difficult. The more we hang onto, the less free we are to move around. We develop attachments to our stuff, which makes it hard to get rid of or move on even when it makes sense to.

The stuff that we own ends up owning us.

This way of thinking also spreads us thin. All of the things we own and acquire all require our time and energy to function. Each skill, hobby, car, house, or pair of shoes will ultimately require some type of maintenance or else it will slowly degrade or be forgotten.

Even having so many things to do can ultimately end up in procrastination – having a full plate is the bane of a procrastinator.

So here’s a mission for you. Try it out and see what results you get. (Are you IN? If you are, comment below and say I’M IN to commit to the challenge.)

Mission: Pack Your Bags

Why:
To achieve the feeling and awareness of knowing exactly what you need and what to focus on.

How:
Imagine you’re about to travel forever. This means that everything you own you have to bring with you. This means that you still want to have a job, you want to have hobbies, passions and interests BUT you have to find a way make them mobile. What are the key things that make the most important areas of your life work? What is the purpose and function of each and everything “thing” in your life?

1. Start packing.
2. Start from zero.
3. Select a bag, piece of luggage, etc.
4. Start to fill it with the things that you absolutely NEED and cannot live without (Remember, what do you need to bring to work, or for your hobbies and interests?)
5. The things that aren’t serving your ultimate purpose, organize into 2 piles: Donate or Trash.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. – Antoine de Saint-Exupe

The interesting thing that I experienced when I did this for myself was a strange feeling of being free. I was free from something that I didn’t even know limited me. Being able to physically see all the things that I actually need, and realizing that everything else I have are things I have acquired but don’t truly have any purpose or function, I got the feeling that I could go anywhere and I could already feel my focus increasing. I could feel more options open as I had more resources open up to me as well. Time, energy and even money was a mentality that shifted for me.

Regardless of if you’re going on a trip, this mission is a great way to see the things that are the most important to you. It also forces you to be creative in the items you are going to pack to still maintain all of the things you actually want.

If you want to hear what’s packed in my bags let me know! I’d love to hear what you’re going to bring on this never-ending journey called life in the comments below!

By the way… applications for our Mentorship Coaching program will be closing soon. There are a limited number of spots left, so if you want to accelerate your success in implementing the strategies of Social Dynamics to live a more badass life, apply today.