Chivalry isn’t Dead and Neither Should Your Manners

by Jamie

strong women

Chivarly isn’t dead, and in my opinion as well as countless other woman it never should be. I got on this topic with a few friends of mine on how the new age of ‘Jersey Shore Wannabee’s’ has come in to full effect and we are surrounded by men who refuse to show manners or be a true-blue gentleman.

This all came apparent to me on while thinking through all my past dates. I found a recurring issue of coming across super cool guys who had no manners or had any sense of what it is like to be strong yet a romantic dude. Why!?

The Strong Woman

On a personal level you would find out that I am a pretty sensitive soul with a tough exterior, hence why I tend to roll with guys successfully. I don’t waver easily or become a doormat, as I have been before in the past, so I can easily hold my own in any relationship. I have a tougher skin than a lot of girls but at the very centre of me lays a soft and sensitive core. I like to think of a lot women are like this, especially with the escalation of women taking lead roles in more authoritative tasks that are usually predominantly done by men. The movement of women’s rights has given us a lot more power, yet we still struggle to be created as equals when it comes to the work force with sexual harassment, wage discrepancies, etc. Its a never ending battle but I’m not here to talk about feminists issues, especially on a website that is geared more towards men.

Im here to address the issue of guys thinking they can get away without being chivalrous and expect to end up with amazing women. In past relationships I have found a recurring pattern concerning my strength and how a guy needs to calibrate in order to make the relationship work when it comes to showing romance.
chivalry
Guys, as you improve your Social Dynamics, you become more socially affluent and attract the right kind of women and so you are bound to meet strong, independent, self-approved women. Which begs the question: “How do you date these kind of women? How do you calibrate? 

I find most guys interested in dating me are a little bit hesitant on being chivalrous as I come off very independent and they don’t want to step on my toes or make me feel incapable. Or they just think that in todays society that chivalry is dead and that by being chivalrous it will come across as them being too interested.

Chivalry isn’t dead; Neither should your manners

All the strong independent women I know still want chivalry and romance. We are still feminine beings who enjoy the door being opened for us. We all watched Disney princess movies when we were young girls and played with Barbie dolls or dreamt of ‘Tuxedo Mask’ whisking us off in to the moon light- or was that just me? (haha) Just because we fight for the same rights we don’t want to be treated like one of your buddies- that doesn’t build attraction. We still want to feel like women, and by being more like a gentleman by being a little more chivalrous you can achieve this. Don’t go over the top though! Opening a door, or giving a girl your jacket when she is cold are nice gestures. Give respect but don’t treat her like she is a fragile piece of glass. It’s about being a good guy without losing your aggressive/manly nature. By going over the top you start to come off as “try-hard” or “too-invested.” I would break it down to doing these three things:

  1. Always Open The Door For Her
  2. Ladies First Rule (If you’re grabbing coffee, then let her order her drink first)
  3. Give Her Your Jacket (If she is cold)

These are chivalrous and simple kind gestures that wont make you come off looking desperate. You will look like a genuine-nice guy.

I have to admit that when I went on a few dates in the past, I was instantly turned off when a guy wouldn’t let me order first, open the door for me, or offer to pick up the coffee tab on the first date. Coffee is like $5- don’t be a cheap ass! I’m all about going dutch but if you are interested in taking things a little further than a friendship than I would encourage you to take it one step further by picking up the tab on the first date. These are small things that count, and can really separate you from the pack helping you get a second date. Just because women are becoming more independent that doesn’t give you an excuse to not have manners and not be a gentlemen. You will surely stand out if you are a strong guy who can show that he can take care of a woman’s romantic side.

chivalryPassive versus Aggressive

I am all for the woman’s movement just like I am all for men staying men. What I mean by that is that they keep their manly attributes like being aggressive or strong-willed. In general, we don’t want men to lay dormant at our feet. We all genuinely want a good guy who is still confident and strong.

When I asked a few of my close girlfriends (the strong women) whether or not they would rather a passive partner or aggressive partner they unanimously chose aggressive. Aggressive in the best of terms of course; attributes like being self-approved, can make decisions on their own, independent, strong, and go after what they want in the end. Strong women need strong men. This isn’t an excuse to act all brusk and smacking every girl’s ass you find attractive, it’s about keeping the balance of being aggressive without losing your manners and being respectful. Show a little of your romantic side, open the door, but be aggressive in your attraction and in your decisions. This comes back to my “Don’t Squeeze the Puppy” post. Relationships are a balancing act and to successfully be with a strong woman you need to calibrate yourself to be strong, respectful, and romantic man. If you got that all down, you surely can not lose.

J

About Jamie
Jamie is an enthusiastic goal-getter and photographer. Aspiring life-coach and author. Yogi extraordinaire and an honest voice to those who seek it. She blogs over at Devoted Shift.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Bor October 20, 2011 at 12:17 am

very good post, but I think you hit the nail on the head with this: “…Or [guys] just think that in todays society…it will come across as them being too interested.”

The problem stems from the fact that somehow some of us (guys) are too nice and we entwine chivalry with supplementing actions. When I just found out about the pick up community, the major trend was to cut chivalry and some other “nice gestures” out of our approaches because they were:
a) watered down by all other nice guys doing it (so they’re not really doing that much good)
b) seeming as “too interested” (so not only that, they were also doing bad)
In essence, I think a lot of guys buy that because they make the connection between overly nice gestures (which are really to supplement) with failure with women.

In general, opening the door for a girl is always a plus I think, but picking up the coffee bill, even if it’s $5, can be bad in my opinion. Or better put, it should be done only if the guy can get away with not doing it, because then it will be done out of genuine good intention or manners rather than a form of supplement for lack of confidence.

So I’d say the advice of always being chivalrous could break a deal if used incorrectly (much like the famous “just be yourself”).

Jamila October 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I agree with everything you said. The men I have dated call themselves the “Modern” man. So I found that I prefer the old fashioned ones. You articulated exactly how I feel about the situation. You can see my story and views on the subject on my blog http://bringoldfashionback.blogspot.com/. I just started it, and it is refreshing to know that I am not the only one. Thanks!

Jamie October 24, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Thanks for commenting Bor and Jamila 🙂

Bor- I don’t agree that being chivalrous could break a deal. I think manners should never be neglected. I would definitely agree if it was done to the extremes. I think it needs to be calibrated appropriately. If a guy is coming off like he is bending over backwards just to impress me then it would come off that he is making up for his lack of confidence and that he has nothing more to bring to the table but his ability to be chivalrous. However if you are a pretty cool dude who is confident and has a strong frame then being chivalrous can’t hurt your chances at all, if anything it would signal to the woman that not only are you attractive (confident, self-approved, etc) but your also a good guy and treat a woman like a lady. Women love to feel feminine, it amplifies your masculinity. Guys who can open the door for me, pick up my coffee order, or give me their jacket while giving off that sexual tension and exchange of value is money.

Jamila- “Modern Men” hahah I love it… way to spin it to sound progressive when really it’s an excuse to be lazy or a cheap ass 😉 I think it comes down to women asserting what they want. Men love to please, so we may as well articulate what that means. Its cool for a chick to pick up the bill every once and while but I think if you are paying for two dates (Tony from your blog) in a row the dude is clueless and needs to be re-directed to Kingpin Social haha. I have a theory that when men articulate that they expect a woman to pick up the bill that they are testing the waters on whether or not she will over-compensate to win his affections WHILE getting the added bonus of her paying for the dates. What do you think?

J

Max October 24, 2011 at 8:43 pm

I agree with Jamie, on what she had to say about guys ‘trying to hard’.

Cam October 24, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Completely agree with what Jamie said, Bor. “Guys who can open the door for me, pick up my coffee order, or give me their jacket while giving off that sexual tension and exchange of value is money.” This is $$$$$.

Thanks for commenting Jamila. Will be following your blog!

Alyssa S. November 4, 2011 at 12:51 am

After dealing with a boyfriend who would put up such a stink when I didn’t always want to go dutch, expected to be taken/asked out on dates, would constantly remind me that I had more money than him, and said he didn’t believe in buying cards because they were stupid, it’s really refreshing to see something like this. What is the deal with guys today!?! I, like you, also can come off as a strong/assertive woman. However, this in turn does not make me abhor being treated like a lady. And for real, if you think you shouldn’t buy me a coffee/drink because it won’t guarantee my panties will drop, then you’re shallow AND lazy! It’s hard to articulate this without sounding like chivalry is an act I expect/take for granted, but knowing that many other women feel the similar makes me think I’m not so alone in this pathetic quest to find a great guy. -A

Jamie November 6, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Thanks Alyssa for taking the time to comment! 🙂

I dated a guy somewhat similar to the dude you described except he never took me out on dates at all or celebrated anything with me haha he would work 24/7 to buy the nicest things. The nicest car, the nicest snowboard equipment, watch, hair product etc. He wasn’t internally validated so he needed validation through his external purchases and image to make him feel worthy and like a hot shot.

I hope you found a new guy who’s more chivalrous and makes you feel like a woman 🙂 cause that’s what you deserve! Only the best.

J

Cam November 6, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Thanks for commenting Alyssa. 🙂

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